good so far?

[she_is_my_addiction]

I have ways of finding people who steal my work.

So I need a little input here...........................


It didn’t matter that the sun was still as bright as it had been just two months ago. The wind had already changed. The mutation was brief, an hour of leaves swirling at my flip-flop adorned feet made to seem like a simple moment in passing. I smoked without abandon, one after another, sitting next to the loading ramp, watching little bumps form on my pale arms as the wind picked up. I’d tried all summer to develop at least a halfhearted tan, but the result was nothing more than a faded line where my tank top ended and bare flesh began.

I lit another cigarette, my eyes squinting into the late afternoon sunlight before I allowed Maya’s image to appear in my mind. She was older than me only by a year and a half, but she’d had the ability to make me feel thirteen again. I suppose she was a summer love, though it started long before bikinis and beach picnics were the season staple. She moved from South Carolina, a place I had never seen, but associated with palm trees and five dollar manicures you could from little shops scattered here and there.

I’d finished high school in December, just days after my seventeenth birthday. Beginning with the summer after eighth grade, I took rigorous courses at the high school and college level, intent on constantly pleasing my parents. I never intended to graduate early, but my work paid off and before I knew it, I was through with high school. To put it mildly, I had nothing to do.


~~~~ Okay thats all I have so far.....is it worth continuing? Anything I need to change? Something I should add?

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

pretty pretty please......

 

[English Lady]

I'm not exactly sure what you're asking for..but that looks good to me

 

[BlackShanglan]

It's difficult to know how to respond to such a small and disconnected fragment. I was a little confused by this phrase:

The mutation was brief

and had difficulty understanding what you meant. Other than that, the tone and style seem fine to me, but there's not enough here to really sense where the structure, plot, and pacing are going.

Shanglan

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

It's difficult to know how to respond to such a small and disconnected fragment. I was a little confused by this phrase:



and had difficulty understanding what you meant. Other than that, the tone and style seem fine to me, but there's not enough here to really sense where the structure, plot, and pacing are going.

Shanglan

I suppose some might see it as disconnected. It all comes together though, believe me. And it's not as if what I have there is the end of the story. I just want to know if it sounds good and whatnot. If more people are confused about how I word things, then I'll take into consideration changing something. But until then, it remains as is. Thanks

 

[theperversifier]

Hey there.

You've got some poetic imagery going-very promising.

To answer your specific questions:

is it worth continuing?

The usual pablam seems appropos here: it's worth continuing if you feel it is. You shouldn't let other people say whether a story is worth writing or not-especially based solely on three introductory paragraphs.

As a reader, does it strike me, personally, as worth reading? Hard to say, based on what little there is to go on here. For me, ultimately it's about the plot and the characters. If I don't enjoy them, I won't like the story. It's a matter of personal preference, not worthiness.

That said, I like your prose and suspect you've got a knack for writing, so my guess is you're capable of crafting a story I'd want to read. You've got some fresh language and a certain instensity is coming across already. I love your opening line.

Anything I need to change?

You do have some typos and some mis-used words.

The mutation was brief...

If you're referring to the weather, "mutate" doesn't seem right.

I smoked without abandon

I'm guessing you mean with abandon.

five dollar manicures you could [ ? ] from little shops scattered here and there.

This is confusing:

...an hour of leaves swirling at my flip-flop adorned feet made to seem like a simple moment in passing..

I did manage to figure out that you meant an hour seemed like a moment, but it took some work.

As for what you should add...just the rest of the story.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Hey there.

You've got some poetic imagery going-very promising.

To answer your specific questions:



The usual pablam seems appropos here: it's worth continuing if you feel it is. You shouldn't let other people say whether a story is worth writing or not-especilly based solely on three introductory paragraphs.

As a reader, does it strike me, personally, as worth reading? Hard to say, based on what little there is to go on here. For me, ultimately it's about the plot and the characters. If I don't enjoy them, I won't like the story. It's a matter of personal preference, not worthiness.

That said, I like your prose and suspect you've got a knack for writing, so my guess is you're capable of crafting a story I'd want to read. You've got some fresh language and a certain instensity is coming across already. I love your opening line.



You do have some typos and some mis-used words.

Wow...I'm truly flattered

Fresh language and intensity is exactly my focus (or part of my focus anyway)....and as for my knack? Well, I learned from the very best ...*you know who you are*

 

[cloudy]

You have a very nice writing style - I like it. Right off the top of my head, though, it was sort of more telling us things than showing us, but sometimes that's necessary.

The mutation was brief, an hour of leaves swirling at my flip-flop adorned feet made to seem like a simple moment in passing.

"Mutation" is confusing to me as well. I'm guessing you're talking about the change of seasons, but can't be sure. I love the phrasing, but not that particular word.

I lit another cigarette, my eyes squinting into the late afternoon sunlight before I allowed Maya’s image to appear in my mind. She was older than me only by a year and a half, but she’d had the ability to make me feel thirteen again. I suppose she was a summer love, though it started long before bikinis and beach picnics were the season staple.

This is an example of "telling" vs. "showing". Could you maybe show in the characters' dialogue, or actions in relation to each other, that Maya makes the speaker feel thirteen again?

She moved from South Carolina, a place I had never seen, but associated with palm trees and five dollar manicures you could from little shops scattered here and there.

This was sort of jarring to me. I lived in the Carolinas for several years, and wouldn't associate them with palm trees or manicures. Maybe with the low country, tides, people speaking the gullah dialect, crabbing at low tide......that kind of thing.

I really do enjoy your writing style. Not sure where you plan to go with this, but it looks like you have promise.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

You have a very nice writing style - I like it. Right off the top of my head, though, it was sort of more telling us things than showing us, but sometimes that's necessary.



"Mutation" is confusing to me as well. I'm guessing you're talking about the change of seasons, but can't be sure. I love the phrasing, but not that particular word.



This is an example of "telling" vs. "showing". Could you maybe show in the characters' dialogue, or actions in relation to each other, that Maya makes the speaker feel thirteen again?



This was sort of jarring to me. I lived in the Carolinas for several years, and wouldn't associate them with palm trees or manicures. Maybe with the low country, tides, people speaking the gullah dialect, crabbing at low tide......that kind of thing.

I really do enjoy your writing style. Not sure where you plan to go with this, but it looks like you have promise.

Lol my sister used to live in South Carolina herself, and I know quite well that I don't associate SC with any kind of five dollar manicures or palm trees either. The point is, the narrator has never been to South Carolina.

I know I was telling in that one little part, but sometimes it is necessary in a story, you're right. Sometimes I find that when I read stories, there's entirely too much showing. To tell a little here and there is okay I think.

Thanks for the note on "mutation". Any suggestions on how I can rework that word or phrase?

 

[vargas111]

I could not tell if the narrator was male or female. Whichever, does he or seh have to smoke cigarettes? Is the intention to make him or her disabreeable?

Personally, I do not wnat to know more about this character

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

I could not tell if the narrator was male or female. Whichever, does he or seh have to smoke cigarettes? Is the intention to make him or her disabreeable?

Personally, I do not wnat to know more about this character

Why don't you tell me why instead of just saying that you don't want to hear more. The point here is to be constructive and give suggestions, not just saying things without explanation.

 

[hiddenself]

This ain't the GB.

 

[hunterwren]

So far, so good.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

So far, so good.

Thanks

 

[Hotcappucino]

I like the overall feel. Fairly good imagery. I would say that those few paragraphs that you've written are intriguing enough to make me want to read more, but on the other hand, there's not enough there for me to tell you if I'd read the whole thing once you've written it. A lot of it depends on how you develop the characters, how believeable the dialog is, how the plot line develops, etc. But I like the style.

That being said, I'll just mention a few other minor things:

I will echo the sentiment by others that using the word "mutation" seems out of place, and the rest of the sentence is confusing to me. In fact, the feel of the first paragraph appears to be quite different than the subsequent ones, and I wonder if you should rework it.

In the second paragraph, "She was older than me... " should be "She was older than I..."

The last paragraph mentions that the main character graduated from high school the past December right after her 17th birthday (I'm assuming that the main character is female, only by the way the story reads). I'm sure that you already know this, but I'd just caution you not to write about any sexual situations where the main character is 17, since there are certain Literotica rules regarding minors in sexual situations (although you can easily fix it by changing her 17 birthday to her 18th).

Also in the last paragraph, you use "intent" and "intended" in consecutive sentences. I would probably try to avoid using them so close together.

Very last line, I would probably say "To put it simply..." or "Putting it simply..." instead of using the word "mildly." Saying "mildly" seems to imply that you would have stated it violently or strongly instead.

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

I like the overall feel. Fairly good imagery. I would say that those few paragraphs that you've written are intriguing enough to make me want to read more, but on the other hand, there's not enough there for me to tell you if I'd read the whole thing once you've written it. A lot of it depends on how you develop the characters, how believeable the dialog is, how the plot line develops, etc. But I like the style.

That being said, I'll just mention a few other minor things:

I will echo the sentiment by others that using the word "mutation" seems out of place, and the rest of the sentence is confusing to me. In fact, the feel of the first paragraph appears to be quite different than the subsequent ones, and I wonder if you should rework it.

In the second paragraph, "She was older than me... " should be "She was older than I..."

The last paragraph mentions that the main character graduated from high school the past December right after her 17th birthday (I'm assuming that the main character is female, only by the way the story reads). I'm sure that you already know this, but I'd just caution you not to write about any sexual situations where the main character is 17, since there are certain Literotica rules regarding minors in sexual situations (although you can easily fix it by changing her 17 birthday to her 18th).

Also in the last paragraph, you use "intent" and "intended" in consecutive sentences. I would probably try to avoid using them so close together.

Very last line, I would probably say "To put it simply..." or "Putting it simply..." instead of using the word "mildly." Saying "mildly" seems to imply that you would have stated it violently or strongly instead.

"She was older than me..." doesn't work with the way the sentence is structured, but I thank you for pointing out everything to me. I'm aware of the 18 y/o rule on Lit, however the story progresses for quite some time before any sexual activity is involved, and my main character gets a chance to turn 18 as well, before anything happens.

I was re-reading my paragraphs, and mutation has seemed a little sketchy to me since I first wrote it, and I'll take the opportunity to ask now: if anyone has any suggestions for how I can rework this paragraph or sentence, please feel free to let me know.

thanks!

 

[hunterwren]

I wouldn't worry about grammar just yet. It can hinder creativity.