God's Quality Management Questionnaire

[Pyper]

Okay, the BB seems a little slow today, so I thought I'd stir some shit. Please don't kill me, it's just in fun.

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


1. How did you find out about God?


__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Koran
__ Other Book
__ Television
__ Newspaper
__ Tabloid
__ Word of mouth
__ Near Death Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Other (specify): _______











2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Yahweh
__ Jehovah
__ Allah
__ Jesus
__ Three Pack
(Father
Son &
Holy Ghost)
__ None of the above
(False Gods
Satan
Wicca)





3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered
here:_________________________________________
_____________________________________________




4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire God? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Fear of death
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Like Organ Music
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in on who to despise
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
__ A day away from work





5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Bacchus
__ Ra
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ Atheism
__ Satan
__ Satin
__ Bill Clinton
__ Bill Gates
__ The Bomb
__ Slim Pickins
__ The great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ A burning Busch Lite
__ Barney
__ Other: __________







6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Biorhythms
__ Crystals
__ Tea Leaves
__ Television
__ Self-help books
__ Pyramids
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Kama Sutra
__ Bill Clinton
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Mantras
__ Satanic Cult
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney
__ Barney Fife
__ None
__ Other: _________






7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?



8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

Disasters

Flood.......................1 2 3 4 5
Famine.....................1 2 3 4 5
Earthquake...............1 2 3 4 5
War.........................1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence.................1 2 3 4 5
Plague......................1 2 3 4 5
Moral Majority.........1 2 3 4 5
SPAM.....................1 2 3 4 5
Bill Gates.................1 2 3 4 5
Bob Saget................1 2 3 4 5


Miracles

Rescues..............................................1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous remissions......................1 2 3 4 5
Stars hovering over towns...................1 2 3 4 5
Crying statues.....................................1 2 3 4 5
Water changing to wine.......................1 2 3 4 5
Walking on water...............................1 2 3 4 5
(Hudson River excluded)
Talking flaming shrubbery....................1 2 3 4 5
VCR's that set their own clocks..........1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive...................1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series......................1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election............................1 2 3 4 5



9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

Thank you for your Patronage!





[Edited by Pyper on 04-07-2001 at 02:05 PM]

 

[Earthgoddess]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!
I soooo needed that today it is bleary and rainy and boy oh boy did I need that!

 

[WoodyViagra]

Way too funny--Very creative--A great 'read'--

 

[Pyper]

I think I'm going to change my sig line to, "My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it."

Lemme see if I can edit this questionnaire and make it look better.

 

[MinkSoul]

have a bit of time on our hands there Pyper?

 

[Pyper]

Who...ME? ::whistles innocently::

 

[MinkSoul]

hey....i just noticed something....

Kokopelli must like the music i'm listening to.... he's playing in perfect time to it...

 

[Xander]

ROTFLMAO

That's priceless Pyper

 

[Blackbich]

LMFAO!!! That is too cute, Pyper.

 

[Todd]

Seeing as this was aimed at me

Okay, the BB seems a little slow today, so I thought I'd stir some shit. Please don't kill me, it's just in fun.

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

x Bible
x Torah
x Koran
x Other Book
__ Television
__ Newspaper
__ Tabloid
__ Word of mouth
x Near Death Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Divine Inspiration
x Other (specify): Astronomomy, Astrologoy, biology, anthropology

2. Which model God did you acquire?

x Yahweh
x Jehovah
__ Allah
x Jesus
x Three Pack (Father, Son & Holy Ghost)
__ None of the above (False Gods, Satan, Wicca)

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

x Yes __ No

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire God? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Fear of death
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Like Organ Music
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in on who to despise
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
__ A day away from work
x Other: Born, Breed and taught Athiest

5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Bacchus
__ Ra
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ Atheism
__ Satan
__ Satin
__ Bill Clinton
__ Bill Gates
__ The Bomb
__ Slim Pickins
__ The great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ A burning Busch Lite
__ Barney
x Other: Man

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
x Astrology: Gospel in the Stars
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Biorhythms
__ Crystals
__ Tea Leaves
__ Television
__ Self-help books
X Pyramids: Great pyramids is a representation of the old testament laws recorded in a physical structure.
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Kama Sutra
__ Bill Clinton
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Mantras
__ Satanic Cult
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney
__ Barney Fife
__ None
__ Other: _________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

Disasters

Flood................. 5
Famine................ 4
Earthquake............ 3
War.................. 2
Pestilence........... 2
Plague................ 2
Moral Majority........ 1
SPAM.................. 1
Bill Gates............ 1
Bob Saget............. 1

Miracles

Rescues................................. 4
Spontaneous remissions.................. 4
Stars hovering over towns............... 5
Crying statues.......................... 1
Water changing to wine.................. 5
Walking on water........................ 5
(Hudson River excluded)
Talking flaming shrubbery............... 4
VCR's that set their own clocks......... 5
Saddam Hussein still alive.............. 1
Cubs winning the Series................. 1
Clinton's re-election................... Hitlary or Bill?

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

Been doing fine so far with out my advice why should i bother God with my ideas now?

Thank you for your Patronage!

 

[Pyper]

Todd, honey, it wasn't aimed at you. I just thought it was funny. And, uh, you weren't actually supposed to answer the questions.

 

[Todd]

Oh come on Sexy Girl Pyper we all know you think my religion is a bunch of bull pucky piled 5 foot 7. So I thought I would humour you by answering your survey.

 

[Pyper]

Like I said...the shrubbery made me do it.

 

[Todd]

Come on where's your fighting spirit? I am trying to help you make fun of me.

I know, your not feeling well are you? I hope you get better soon.

 

[Pyper]

Thanks, but I don't want this to turn into another "Pyper and Todd Duke it Out Over Evolution" thread.

I won't say anything about the anatomy of Neandertals and you won't quote the Bible. Deal?

 

[Todd]

I don't recall quoting from the Bible last time, but sure what the hey if it helps bring that fighting athiest spirit back I'll do it to you, I mean for you.

 

[Pyper]

Okay, here's my example of fighting spirit for the day.

It's spelled: "atheist". With the "e" first.

 

[Todd]

I purposely places 23 spelling and grammatical errors in that last post and you only point out Atheist?

 

[Pyper]

Sorry, it's just that you do it every time. And I can never figure out if it's on purpose. You confuse me that way.

And lots of other people make the same exact spelling error. So all of you reading this: Spell atheist correctly! If you don't, I'll uh...be, uh, very upset!

 

[Todd]

If you want to know the whole hoary truth. No I cannot not spell very well, nor does my grammer come close to queen's english.

The spelling well that is partly my fault. I type much to fast then fail to take the time to proof read, also I like to spell things the way they sound in my head, phonetics i think, not sure though.

The grammar partly my fault, more my middle school Grade 6 and up english teachers fault. She had my mother and her brother and sister for students and she also had my grandfather for a student. She was about 10 years older than god when I got her as a teacher. It didn't matter how hard I tried for her, she gave me straight F's. I was in the Spelling Bee for the school, I won the district finals and she gave me an F. She was that type of woman. I later found my uncle had done something to make her bitter toward the family. After That winning spelling Bee F I gave up even trying.