Giving up

[fenghuang]

After 18 months, when the only sex you're had with your life partner has been entirely unfulfilling and left you stressed, is it time to give up hope?

 

[KarennaC]

The old saying is, "Where there's life, there's hope."

Have you talked to your partner about this issue? Communication is always the best place to start.

 

[kaycee217]

Give up on what? The desire to have a satisfying sex life? Being with your life partner?

 

[RedheadedHaze]

I wish I could give you a cut and dried answer, but sadly, it's just not possible.

Why is sex unfulfilling? What makes it stressful? Have you talked to your life partner about what isn't working? Have you explored all the reasons why it's not working and what you can both do to remedy the situation?

Without more information to go on, I doubt anyone here can give you any better advice on the situation...

Communication is the first step, however.

Best,

~Red

 

[fenghuang]

Fair point.
I was reffering to giving up hope of a satisfying sex life. For either of us.
Communicating? Yes, we've tried talking about it, and whilst it's all very equitable and we both feel better for it, in reality nothing changes.
Why is it unsatisfying? Realistically, it's down to abject sexual incompatability. In terms of sexual desires, history, philosophy etc etc etc we are poles apart. Both of us find that what the other wants is either a turn off or just doesn't get the blood flowing.
It used to be a mediocre but bearable sex life, now making the effort is more usually worse than going without.

 

[redstick2]

opening up?

Have you thought about opening up your relationship such that either, or both, could find more compatible sexual partners outside the relationship? I was in a situation very similar to yours, and our solution was an "open marriage." Now, my sex life is the best it has ever been...

 

[SweetErika]

Fair point.
I was reffering to giving up hope of a satisfying sex life. For either of us.
Communicating? Yes, we've tried talking about it, and whilst it's all very equitable and we both feel better for it, in reality nothing changes.
Why is it unsatisfying? Realistically, it's down to abject sexual incompatability. In terms of sexual desires, history, philosophy etc etc etc we are poles apart. Both of us find that what the other wants is either a turn off or just doesn't get the blood flowing.
It used to be a mediocre but bearable sex life, now making the effort is more usually worse than going without.

Do you have anything in common sexually? Putting your differences aside, do you think it's possible to find some common ground?

How is your relationship otherwise? If you both were more satisfied sexually, would you be happy staying together?

Have you thought about opening up your relationship such that either, or both, could find more compatible sexual partners outside the relationship? I was in a situation very similar to yours, and our solution was an "open marriage." Now, my sex life is the best it has ever been...

This is my thought, too, although I'm not sure how well it'd work if there's no common ground, and it's very unlikely to help if the relationship isn't perfectly solid in general. But if differing sexual desires is the main issue, it might be something to consider and even try on a limited basis.

 

[Adakgirl]

If it is as you describe here then I'd say yes. I have a question for you though, why would you chose a person to be your life partner if you are completely sexually incompatible? Oh yeah...perhaps you were both virgins before your marriage and you are just now realizing this. Would that be correct?

 

[RedheadedHaze]

I don't know if I necessarily think you had to marry as virgins to come to a resting place of being incompatible. I've seen this happen to a very good friend of mine and yet another is currently struggling in a similar situation. It is totally possible to end up incompatible sexually over time. Urges, desires, sex drives all change and wax and wane. Some that start off being very adventurous can sow all their seeds early as it were and want something less risque over time, whereas others that never got much of an opportunity to experience a multitude of sexual practices find they are more and more curious and want to expand their horizons. Women's hormonal changes, pregnancies, birth control issues are also considerations when taking sex drives into account.

In any event, if she isn't accepting of an open marriage of some sort, then I'm not really sure what your options are, other than cheating (don't throw tomatoes at me, I'm not saying yay or nay on that) or calling the whole thing quits.

Whichever the case may be, the only thing to do is be as open and honest as you possibly can, outline your ideas for remedies and see what she has to say on the topic.

Good luck hon!

 

[fgarvb1]

After 18 months, when the only sex you're had with your life partner has been entirely unfulfilling and left you stressed, is it time to give up hope?

That's up to you.

I've gone eighteen months and had NO sex at all with my wife or anybody else.

Not fun.

Yeah... I may be a little grouchy sometimes.

 

[fenghuang]

Fgarvb1 – I feel your pain – we’ve had bad sex about 6 or 7 times in 18 months.

Open relationship
From numerous reasons, I don't think that would help me and I have no doubt she would be hurt even at the suggestion.

Anything in common sexually?
The only things I can think of are that we’re the same species, and we’re both frustrated. That may sound flippant, but I genuinely can’t think of anything else.

How's the relationship otherwise?
Good enough I think. Not perfect, but good enough to get us through 8 years, with the usual degree of peaks and troughs.

Why choose a partner with whom you're not sexually compatible?
I’m not sure it’s possible to answer a question like that, but I guess because we liked enough things about each other to think that it was a good idea?

Some start adventurous & end up wanting less - others never have opportunities & want to expand their horizons.
Quite the opposite with us.
I wouldn’t claim to have a bedpost riddled with notches, but I’ve had a few partners and experienced a few things. I have a few fantasies, a moderate level of desire, an imagination and need for some passion in my life.
I am the only partner she has ever had and in the past she has described herself (and I don’t think it was particularly in jest) as sexually repressed. Without going into specifics, think “vanilla” without the interesting bits.
We are limited by what I want to do and what she isn't comfortable with. And it becomes a problem at a point which I am confident every single member of this forum, without exception, would think is entirely normal and the overwhelming majority would regard as prohibitively boring.

Cheating or calling it quits
Calling it quits on the relationship would be neither desirable, simple, nor realistic.
Cheating in its simplest sense, I couldn’t do – I’ve witnessed relationships destroyed as a result.
I have considered an escort service, but even that would be fraught with issues emotionally and even logistically. And realistically it’s something I’d rather not resort to.
Calling it quits on trying to have any kind of sex life – this is the very real consideration.

 

[silverwhisper]

feng quoth:
we are limited by what i want to do and what she isn't comfortable with. and it becomes a problem at a point which i am confident every single member of this forum, without exception, would think is entirely normal and the overwhelming majority would regard as prohibitively boring.

i'm not at all clear that she understands the depths to which this is taking a toll on your relationship overall. does she understand just how big of a deal this really is?

you seem like a pretty reasonable fellow from your posts, but i can't help but wonder if perhaps you're being too accommodating here.

feng, have you two considered couples counseling? if she's sexually repressed, perhaps exploring why that is would be a really good idea?

ed

 

[RedheadedHaze]

Further, while I admire your moral compass at staying in the relationship, how successful and ultimately satisfying is it to lead a completely sexless life?

Unless of course, you're taken a vow of celibacy to your chosen god, and then by all means, carry on.

What is your alternative if none of ours are appealing?

:/

I feel for you, my dear....I really do.

 

[Shadowann2]

I can understand your pain. The problem with giving up is that your sex life together doesn't only have ramifications inside the bedroom. Frustration, resentment, and depression over a lack of sexual satisfaction will bleed into other elements of your relationship. Not to mention the lack of closeness and intimacy, and not just in the physical sense, that will become pervasive in your relationship. Even the rigid, ultra-sexually-conservative Catholic Church finally came out and admitted that sex, inside a marriage, is necessary for a healthy relationship; not just for the purpose of procreation.

I would strongly suggest that the two of you seek counseling about this and not just give up and try to forget about it. I sincerely doubt that will work in the long run. I don't know how old either of you are, but I doubt you are old enough that your sex drive will fall off the map soon, so this will be a constantly repressed urge that isn't being fulfilled (even a little bit), and that will inevitably lead to major issues for each of you as an individual, and as a couple. You two need to talk about things with a professional and try to find SOME sort of middle ground. If she is self-proclaimed "sexually repressed", one-on-one counseling very well could help her to open her mind to at least some of the things you like. Just make sure you don't put the onus all on her. She is the way she is, through no fault of her own, and as someone who loves her, it is your job to stand by her side and work TOGETHER on this issue.

I wish you both the best of luck. Try to stay positive and look for solutions. One rule I live my life by is: Never give up, and never give in!

 

[Adakgirl]

Ok so you have been together 8 years but sex has only been unsatisfying and sporadic for the past 18 months. That sounds kinda normal as far as the only 6/7 times goes, because some relationships do go through periods of having much less sex. I think something else is going on here, that this is not a physical problem of what turns who on and how often but an emotional problem that I suggest you seek professional help from someone who specializes in sexual problems, not marital problems.

 

[SweetErika]

Open relationship
From numerous reasons, I don't think that would help me and I have no doubt she would be hurt even at the suggestion.

Have you asked her what she'd suggest? Does she think there's a problem, and if so, is she very unhappy too?

Anything in common sexually?
The only things I can think of are that we’re the same species, and we’re both frustrated. That may sound flippant, but I genuinely can’t think of anything else.

Really? You don't both enjoy the emotional connection from sex, orgasms, or anything else? If you think of what and why you enjoy sex on the most basic levels, are you still stumped for commonalities?

I am the only partner she has ever had and in the past she has described herself (and I don’t think it was particularly in jest) as sexually repressed. Without going into specifics, think “vanilla” without the interesting bits.
We are limited by what I want to do and what she isn't comfortable with. And it becomes a problem at a point which I am confident every single member of this forum, without exception, would think is entirely normal and the overwhelming majority would regard as prohibitively boring.

What do you mean by the bold bit? Are there things she wants to do that you're unwilling or unable to do?

Are you both uncomfortable with, say, making love in missionary or spooning? How about erotic massage and things like making out or just touching each other?

Has she changed sexually? Have you? What do you think is making the sexual divide seem so vast or insurmountable now (vs. the first 5 or so years of your relationship)?

What is your alternative if none of ours are appealing?

Very good question!

 

[Eilan]

Frustration, resentment, and depression over a lack of sexual satisfaction will bleed into other elements of your relationship.

Yup, and frustration, resentment, and depression over other relationship issues can manifest themselves in the bedroom. Makes you wonder which came first in this relationship.

 

[Shadowann2]

Yup, and frustration, resentment, and depression over other relationship issues can manifest themselves in the bedroom. Makes you wonder which came first in this relationship.

Quite true!

Who knows? They may not even know at this point!

 

[Cathleen]

Do you have children? (Sorry if I missed it above.) Would she be willing to see her doctor for a thorough check up? When you've talked together about your situation does she have suggestions, comments, what are her feelings about it?

 

[KarennaC]

Feng, thank you for elaborating on what the problem is.

I'd still say not to give up hope, but that's possibly because I'm a sappy optimist when it comes to relationships in general and I want to believe there's hope everywhere. Others here have given much more useful suggestions than I can think of at this point. I do wish you luck with whatever option you and your partner choose, and I hope that you and she can find a middle ground to help things work.

 

[fenghuang]

... does she understand just how big of a deal this really is?
...feng, have you two considered couples counseling? if she's sexually repressed, perhaps exploring why that is would be a really good idea?

I think it's an equally big deal for both of us, if in slightly different ways.
Counseling is an option. Being typically resevrved Brits, we don't usually do that sort of thing on this side of the pond That's not to say it isn't the best option.

...... Frustration, resentment, and depression over a lack of sexual satisfaction will bleed into other elements of your relationship. Not to mention the lack of closeness and intimacy, and not just in the physical sense, that will become pervasive in your relationship....
...I don't know how old either of you are...
...If she is self-proclaimed "sexually repressed", one-on-one counseling very well could help her to open her mind to at least some of the things you like....

My thinking on giving up was that a lack of expectation could aleviate the strain. Accepting absence of sex as our norm could help move the focus away from the lack of it. I don't know. I'm just clutching at straws.
We're both 40.
One on one counceling might be a solution to her "issues" but a) how do you say to someone "you need to get fixed" and b) who am I to say she needs fixing. ("Fix" is the wrong word, but I hope it illustrtates a point.)

...I think something else is going on here, that this is not a physical problem of what turns who on and how often but an emotional problem...

I'm not suggesting that's wrong, and I have no experience at all of psychotherapy so I'm kind of at the limit of my own understanding, but if you're not turned on by something, surely that's pretty much a base state, not a result of concurrent issues.

...Does she think there's a problem ...
...You don't both enjoy the emotional connection from sex, orgasms, or anything else? If you think of what and why you enjoy sex on the most basic levels, are you still stumped for commonalities...
... What do you mean by [We are limited by what I want to do] Are there things she wants to do that you're unwilling or unable to do?...
...Has she changed sexually? Have you? What do you think is making the sexual divide seem so vast or insurmountable now (vs. the first 5 or so years of your relationship)?

Yes she thinks there's a problem.
These day's we rarely get either of us to orgasm and she's not comfortable with being touched. What I'd like to do is be alowed to touch her anywhere other than on her back or the outside of her legs and arms, but that's a turn off for her. As for positions, she's not comforrtable with different positions - we only really have one.
Is there something I'm unable to do for her? There's precious little she's comfortable wit so there's little oportunity to find out.
Have we changed sexually? I'm not sure I understand the question.
What makes it worse now? Having gone from infrequent, but adiquate sex to thoroughly unsatisfying and stress inducing sex once in a blu moon.

Yup, and frustration, resentment, and depression over other relationship issues can manifest themselves in the bedroom. Makes you wonder which came first in this relationship.

In all honesty, the sex has never been what you'd call great sex - adiquate, yes, but not great - it's just got worse. And emotionally, although we have differences, we've managed to deal with them most of the time. I know my stress levels have increased as a result and for me that does lead to stress in other areas of the relationship. So I'd say genuinly say the sex is the cause not the result.

Do you have children?
... When you've talked together about your situation does she have suggestions, comments, what are her feelings about it?

We have one young child.
When we've talked we both seem to feel better, but with no discernable resolutions.

I don't mean to sound unduely pesamistic about this, nor dismisive of other people's suggestions, so please don't think the suggestions are wasted or unapreciated.

 

[silverwhisper]

so what's your next step?

ed

 

[razorsedge]

Cheating or calling it quits
Calling it quits on the relationship would be neither desirable, simple, nor realistic.
Cheating in its simplest sense, I couldn’t do – I’ve witnessed relationships destroyed as a result.
I have considered an escort service, but even that would be fraught with issues emotionally and even logistically. And realistically it’s something I’d rather not resort to.
Calling it quits on trying to have any kind of sex life – this is the very real consideration.

I absolutely adore you for not giving up. I am tickled pink that you refuse to cheat. It sounds like the two of you are committed and in love. Sex is not necessarily the most important part of a relationship, but is important and I hope you can find a solution. If you stop having sex all together, your unhappiness and tension will build.

You said that you are greatly limited by the things that she is uncomfortable doing, I know the feeling, but honey, vanilla does not have to be dull. For instance, when's the last time you tried an old fashioned romantic seduction? Get a sitter. Make her dinner. Take a bath together, maybe, if she'll go for that. Tell her that you love her and that she is absolutely the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.

Try setting the mood with the lighting and the music. Have aphrodisiacs ready. Hopefully you aren't teetotalers, because I highly recommend the old strawberry/champagne standby.

My boyfriend and I went through a similar rough patch, two years, and it culminated in him cheating. It was pretty horrible, but he is trying very hard to make it up to me. He's never been so nice, loving and supportive. And our sex went from blah to mind blowing. If we can bounce back, I think anyone can.

Try to get her to relax a little. Maybe you can get her to open up. If she does not like to be touched, there might be a reason behind it, something she doesn't want to share with you because it's too personal. If that is the case, counseling might really be able to save your relationship.

I'm sorry I rambled so long, but I just really feel for you. I hope things work out.