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Q

quickshadow

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On the drive home you spend most of it wondering what the mysterious message meant that I left on your voicemail. All it said was to go to the store and buy your favorite bottle of wine on your way home.

As you get home, unlock the door and walk in you are assaulted by candles, soft music, and rose petals on the floor. You close the door and walk in noticing the rose petals are laid out in a pattern. They lead into the living room to a box, and when you open it you find a candlestick holder. A bit amused you notice that there's a card in the bottom of the box that says, "The room of cascading water." You assume it's the bathroom, and as you get there you notice that there's a note on the mirror. It says "You're overdressed, look behind the door for something else." Closing the door you see this sexy lingerie and a green silk robe hanging on the door hook. You strip down and put the lingerie on, and then cover up with the robe. You notice another box hanging on the door, and inside is a candle with a note that says, "Stairway to heaven." So you walk out, and up the stairs. At the top you notice there's more rose petals leading towards the bedroom. Upon entering the room is lit by candles, the music is playing and there's rose petals scattered all over the bed with another box on it. Opening the box you find a match and a note that says, "Hark what light through yonder window breaks..." You notice the door to the balcony is open and you walk out on it. Sitting there is a table, already set with plates, wine glasses and silverware. You notice a bucket of ice next to the table and you plop the wine into it, and then you set the candleholder and candle in the center of the table, striek the match and light it. Suddenly you feel gentle, strong arms wrap you from behind and place a kiss on your neck. "Hello beautiful," I say. And before you can turn around I slide my hands up and blindfold you with a soft silk handkerchief. Guiding you into a chair I set you down.

You can sense me moving around, and finally I remove the blindfold, and before you is a quaint dinner for two. You notice that I'm also wearing a robe and sitting across from you. I smile at you and pour two glasses of wine, and say hello beautiful again. We sit there and eat exchanging small talk about our days. Once we are finished I stand up, and blindfold you once again, giving you a gentle but passionate kiss on your lips whispering, be right back. You feel me moving around again, and then I'm back, gentley urging you out of the chair. You can feel me guiding you into the bedroom again.

You feel me untie the robe, and feel it fall from your shoulders. You also feel another gentle breeze and assume my robe has been removed. I wrap my arms around you, kissing you on the lips, then then neck, gently nibbling your ear and your neck. You feel yourself being lowered onto the bed and the blindfold removed. I start kissing you again, and work my way down your body. Finally I start removing the lingerie revealing your hot, sensuous body. I continue kissing you all the way down your stomach past your belly button and down between your legs. You feel me kiss the inside of one thigh, work my way down your leg, then start on the other leg and start working back up. Once I get back between your thighs I slide my tongue up and down your slit before finally settling on your clit. I gently lick and suck on it feeling your body react extremely well as I continue to slide my tongue up and down and inside of you. I slide one finger inside as I continue licking you. gently I rub around inside gently brushing your G-spot causing you to moan in pleasure. I increase my pressure with my tongue and feel your body start to shudder and convulse as you have your first orgasm, then I suck on you one more time before I work my way back up, stopping only to gently suck each nipple and plant kisses inbetween your lovely breasts. As I get up to your lips again, you feel me slide my cock inside of you. You immediatley contract on it causing a slight moan from me, and I start sliding it in and out of you, slowly building the thrusts in intensity and frequency. I whisper in your ear, "I knew you'd like it like this" to which all you could do was moan in pleasure.

I continue to thrust inside of you, gently pinching each nipple with my hands as our mouths and tongues intertwine. I feel you start bucking harder as you build up for another orgasm and I feel myself close as well. I increase the speed and pressure a bit more and you start moaning louder and bucking harder before finally you experience another awesome orgasm. Shortly there after you feel my the spasms of my cock, filling you up with my cum.

We lay there for a few moments, regaining our breath. I slowly climb off of you, and reach off the side of the bed, and you here something being poured. You lean up on your elbow as I hand you a plate of strawberries and cream, and a glass of champaigne. I reach down and guide a strawberry into the cream and then to your mouth. I tease you as I move it towards your mouth, and then away, dart in for a kiss, and then as you start to protest I let you bite down on the strawberry. I lick the juice of your lips and kiss you passionately. As I prepare another strawberry you sip your champaigne and look at me and say, "So what do you have planned after dessert?" I look you in the eyes with a mischievious glint in my eye, and smile, " Dessert? We already had dessert. Consider this intermission."
 
my bad

Couldn't read whole story because very jealous Filipino wife on line. Assault as your story goes on might be right; I will look at all of it; this is what I changed, and I plea ignorance, please understand:

On the drive home you spend most of it wondering what the mysterious message meant that I left on your voicemail. All it said was to go to the store and buy your favorite bottle of wine on your way home.

As you get home, unlock the door and walk in you are the aroma of scented candles, the aroma of soft music, and the aroma of rose petals on the floor. You close the door and walk in noticing the rose petals are laid out in a pattern.
 
I'm going to start out with comments that are really dry and technical, before giving an overall opinion on the story, so don't panic too much at first ;)

Writing in the 2nd person is something that is difficult to pull off, unless you're writing to one person, aiming the story at them through what you know about them. Otherwise, it will be hit and miss the people that will identify as being "you", which is really critical to enjoying the story.

You'll certainly want to break it down into smaller paragraphs, especially when there is dialouge. Always start a new paragraph when you switch from descriptive to dialouge, and when you switch between speakers. Viewing large blocks of text online is hard on the eyes, unlike when reading the printed word. Breaking down the paragraphs keeps people from losing their place.

Typo: striek instead of strike

immediatley instead of immediately

I've spent too much time online, and my brain tends to translate a lot of spelling errors and such into their proper form before they get to my brain from my eyes, so I may have missed a few things. Those just jumped out at me.

First, I would consider switching to first or third person if you plan to post this for the public. Tell the story from one of the two character's perspectives, or as an invisible narrator watching what is going on.

If you're sending it to one person, and you've wrote it to their personality, then you'll probably do fine with the perspective you have. It is just a really difficult perspective to pass muster with a wider audiance.

There are a few places where the sentances feel a little long. It feels as if there are too many different things going on in some of the sentances, separated only by commas. It interrupts the flow of the story a little.

As a 2nd person story, it's not bad, and I think it has a lot of potential with a few edits and a little rewording. The story could work even better as a 1st or 3rd person story, adding a lot of dialouge.

You have a good little scene here, romantic and sensual. It's a good foundation to tweak and expand upon.

Hope this doesn't come across as too critical or harsh, it isn't meant to be :)
 
not at all, if I didn't want constructive criticism I wouldn't have posted it :) But thanks for the advice, I'll definately have to keep that in mind if I decide to edit this and on my future attempts. This was only my second story and yeah I was writing it to someone specific, but in my writing I've always been able to focus on one perspective well. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it :)
 
some more-nice plot and story line

Describe-not the best but some ideas
He feels. talk to a man how he feels in a situation. The mystery, the wonderment, are we going to do something sexually new. I see his eyes pierce my breast, revealed in a low cut bra, meant for such occasions. I lean over, and I see him get hard, but I am going to tease; I blow one of the candles out, leaning over, I feel his eyes consuming my nice beautiful butt, and I know, he is going to take me from behind. Even in the shallow light, I see his beautiful blue eyes, and glance on that well developed butt; So firm; I can't wait to grab it to force him inside me hard. I look at his face; I love the lust; I am feeling, I am hot and warm and my pussy is ready to be taken hard. G-spot hard; clit hard; I am waiting to squirt through ultimate ejaculation as this wonderful cock; thrust himself into me.

But he is going to wait; until he can't stand it. Under him; my glorius breasts are moving. My waist is bucking; he is going to have to go down on me. lick my clit soft, then hard, stick his finger in my wonderful cunt, warm wet and nice, and then feel my the g-spot rough and firm, do the g-spot while licking my clit, until I ship wreck; then he can have me. Seeing my breast jangle and my abbs contort. And I can see the look in his eyes. Total pleasure, We have come the way for lovers, together.
 
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