Give it a chance

[kromen]

Hey everybody,

Two of my latest stories have been approved and I'm looking for feedback on both. I've noticed that many people on the site are getting drawn towards the Incest and LW, but I'm sure that they are still a bunch of you are looking for a good story as well as hot sex scenes. I stick mostly to the EC, with a little interracial and horror thrown in, and I know that not too many are pulled toward the tamer categories.

The newest tales are at the bottom of the list in my signature, "The walls Will Talk" and "Dom vs. Thundercat".

The first one deals with an affair that isn't really technically one and the second is about people and labels. Looking for feedback on either, here or on the story page. Thanks in advance.

 

[kromen]

Thoughts? Anyone?

 

[Tyro999]

Thoughts? Anyone?

You expected how many people to read and work up a critique on your two stories in the 7 hours and 49 minutes since your first post? I'd give it a day or two if I were you.

 

[kromen]

Okay, it's been a couple of days and I've gotten a few looks and votes, but no comments. Anyone care to enlighten me about what they liked or did not like about the stories?

 

[Tseeteli]

Okay, it's been a couple of days and I've gotten a few looks and votes, but no comments. Anyone care to enlighten me about what they liked or did not like about the stories?

I'm working on 'The Walls Will Talk'.

For your initial hook, the first line is very good. The second paragraph feels awkward to me. (I thought confection meant a cooked sweet thing, rather than an ingredient that would be measured in cups?)

I would also like to see some a dialog tag or description around the third paragraph. At this point, I don't have quite enough info to get a good idea of how the character is saying this.

From the fourth paragraph, I feel like I'm in the story. I really like having a strong conflict from the outset.

In the middle, you have some really clever lines. The "He was right..." paragraph was a great; I wanted to read on to see more of what was meant. And, "another future president buried at sea." made me smile.

You have a definite voice in what you're writing. The word choice is consistent, though the register feels like it gets a bit over-formal sometimes.

I really like the pacing of the story through the end of the first page. I might expand the sounds and dialogue a bit. I think I understand what he was hearing, but I’m not quite sure what she would have been listening to on the other side of the wall.

I’m unsure how I felt about the ending. It seemed like you wanted this to be a short term thing between two partners. And you hit that really well. The scene where they parted felt right, as did the last paragraph.

But, I think I might have liked the climax to be placed a bit differently. As it’s written now, I feel like the highest emotional state was the main character talking to the husband. That’s good, but the piece might be stronger as erotica if the strongest emotional moment were between the two main characters.

And, something about the end feels a bit harsh to me. The woman’s husband is set up as a dick with no particular positive qualities. That’s good as far as it goes. But, then dick-husband gets into a conflict with our protagonist, and the protagonist sort of backs down. And the story ends with the husband moving out with his wife. It kind of feels like the asshole wins.

 

[kromen]

Tseeteli,

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I'm taking your suggestions to heart and will apply them to future stories. Thanks again.