Girls: Is my friend's advice good? Your thoughts?

[Phil333]

I'm a junior in college. The first week of school I met this freshman. She's .. amazing. I'm totally crazy about her and this is a girl I can completly see myself beign with many years down the line. We always do those things where you are thinking the same thing at the same moment.

We talked online for a couple weeks, saw each other around school a bit. Great conversations that would go on for hours and hours. Lots of flirting. I asked her out in a casual way, as a friend, to see how it would go. Went so well. I had a great time and I could tell she did too. Laughing a lot, smiling, invited me upstairs to watch a movie.

That was a friday, maybe two weeks ago. A couple days after the date, I wrote her this cute little note telling her my feelings and asking her out. (from experience, girls like notes ) Anyway. She said that knowing herself that she would become too focused on a bf and with her being new to the school she wanted to focus on her work and making newf friends now. She did say part of her wanted to be friends and part of her wanted to be something more, but she just wants to be friends for now. And that we should take things as they come.

That for now, that part of her felt something more has given me hope. And considering how crazy I am about her I'm not going to give up just like that. However, since then she has gradually been acting different. She is very busy as she is involved in a play which takes a lot of comittment. But besides that, she talks differently around me. Right after she told me that though we talked and she said we should get it all out in the open. During that conversation she said that she really really wanted to stay friends with me, talk, hang out still etc etc.

Anyway, I'm telling my friend Justin all this last night and here is what he said.

"I think, that, shes a little afraid to start getting closer to you cause she thinks something might happen, and she obviously is not ready for that to happen, yet, and thats why she seems to be moving away from you."

Legit advice? What do you guys think about the whole situation?

 

[penguindance]

 

[peachykeen]

You are seeing and hearing everything through the "I want her to want to be with me" filter. Therefore you are going about collecting evidence, taking that with fits through the filter and ignoring that which does not.

Your friend probably means well but he is full of crap. Pardon my bluntness. He is not a mindreader or a qualified psychoanalyst (is he?) so who is he to say what she is thinking, and what her motivations are?

Concentrate on your studies, see her socially but do not seek out her company (yes than means dismantling the shrine to her you have set up in your dorm room) and if she want you, she'll find you. If it never happens for the two of you, guess what: it is not a tragedy of epic proportions (although it will not doubt seem like it for a little while).

 

[CoolidgEffect]

It doesn't sound like she is afraid of you at all. It sounds like your friend is trying to belittle her emotions.

She just started college. She is a freshman and it is a new and exciting experience. She said, "And that we should take things as they come." So don't press it or you will smoother her.

 

[Guest]

 

[Chuckus]

Sounds like she tried to let you down easy
I could be wrong, Maybe she doesnt have time in her life for a boyfriend.

I would back off, and try to remain friends, maybe someday...........

Ditto to what she said.

 

[Chuckwrox]

Don't crowd her. Back off for a while, and I do mean a long while, and see where things stand after a year. Yes, a year.

Once she started talking differently around you she started backing off. If you press her with questions about 'what happened to us?' it's going to kill any future you had with her, IMO. What's she going to say to questions like that? "I was delusional for a couple of weeks, but I'm feeling much better now, and now I remember how madly in love with you I am." If her heart's not in it now, pressing her won't bring her closer. Give her space. Many fishes in sea, go fish.

 

[Aquila]

. FUCK didn't see the big capital letters that said GIRLS in the post.. im an idiot.. post deleted

 

[Phil333]

Aquila it's okay. Say what you think please.

 

[Aquila]

All I said was once you get the lets be friends, its time to give up on her walk away and remember whatever good times you had.

You can not have a relationship with a female that you have feelings for, that does not return them. because when she inevitably finds someone besides yourself to be her love, you will feel jealousy and hurt. and its not fair to her because she should not feel that she has to choose between you and finding someone she can love.

Its harsh and its cruel, but its the way things work.

 

[Phil333]

I don't want her to choose me if she doesn't have feelings for me, I just want to know how two weeks ago we would talk for hours a day, amazing conversations, lots of flirting. Went on an amazing date. After I asked her out she said lets get it out in the open, i want to talk to you and see you and I did have some feelings for you even though in the end I wanted to remain friends because I'm new here. I wanted to know after 2 weeks, while I acted the same basically, all that went right out the window.

 

[MaggieH]

I know it's tempting to want to know why her feelings have changed...and from what you've described, they've probably changed. While it doesn't seem fair, because you thought things were going so well, fairness doesn't really enter into it. She feels what she feels, and she doesn't feel the same for you as you feel for her. Demanding an explanation, or hanging around like a puppy dog, hoping that her feelings will change back, aren't going to make her want you.

I've gone through saying we'll just be friends, but knowing I wanted more, counting on him being ready someday. You know what, that doesn't work and it just makes you miserable in the meantime. Besides, it's not a very attractive thing. You hanging around waiting, hoping she'll fall in love with you, gives her all the power. Even if you got her to date you, it wouldn't be an equal relationship.

Trust me, you need to move on. If she wants more, she'll let you know.

 

[weed]

Take her words as she said them: she doesn't want to focus on a boyfriend now. You don't know when she will so keep it platonic and casual or she may not want to be around you at all. And it keep your eyes open or you may miss another friend who does want to focus on more.

That's taking it as it comes.

Meanwhile, you can always come here and play.

 

[Chuckus]

Dunno. Doubt you'll ever find out. Move on. Bait your hook and go find another fish, there are plenty out there. Don't waste your time worrying about this one who doesn't want a serious relationship. Go out and find another who does, she is out there.

Don't spin your wheels in the mud with this one, live your life and if the two of you are meant to be, it'll come back to you. Sorry that is the long and the short of it. She feels what she feels and she doesn't have to(and probably won't) ever tell you anymore than she already has. Take her words on face value, this is not "No means yes, Yes means no" thing either............move on and blow her off, be friendly if you run into her.......but don't let her have the power of having you squirm. Move on, plenty of other women out there.

 

[Soblue]

Take her words as she said them: she doesn't want to focus on a boyfriend now. You don't know when she will so keep it platonic and casual or she may not want to be around you at all. And it keep your eyes open or you may miss another friend who does want to focus on more.

That's taking it as it comes.

Meanwhile, you can always come here and play.

Good advice. Why not believe that she meant what she said? She sounds like a sensible girl who has a full plate right now and wants to stay focused on her priorities.

Just be casual, be her friend, ask her to hang out once in awhile, but don't be pushy. We really don't like pushy or guilt trips over "what happened to us?"

That said, have fun, and relax about it, she sounds like a cool chick

 

[KillerMuffin]

I'm something like a freshman in college.

She's young, just from Mom & Dad's house and High school no doubt. Probably on her own for the first time ever. She's under enormous pressure from Mom & Dad & and her own expectations for herself to perform academically. Plus there's all sorts of other things to get involved in that are fun and extra-curricular.

If she knows anyone who has been to college she's gotten this piece of sage advice:

"Don't get a boyfriend your first semester. Get into college first and have some fun. Look around and get to know people."

It sounds like she likes you a lot and that you two have some kind of connection. It also sounds like someone with her head screwed on pretty squarely if she's choosing to make sure that all her ducks are in a row before she takes on a new committment. This is one of those girls you hang on to because she's capable of rational thought when the hormones are running.

Either that or she doesn't really like you.

One thing you should think about. Unless you're going after a masters or intend to stick around campus until she's finished with college, you're going to have a nice two the four year separation until she finishes her degree. She may be thinking about that, as well. Not only that, there's no guarantee that once she gets to industry she'll be located in the same part of the country you are.

If you're looking at this relationship from just having it while you're at school, then it's probably fair enough to tell her that and just be friendly. If you're looking at something along the lines of a life-long relationship, that she could be The One, then your going to have to think about the inevitable separation because she might be doing that. How many high school girls sent their boyfriends off to college and lost them when he got there? She could be one of them.

I think your friend gave you a sage piece of wisdom. Here's my advice to along with it. Respect her wishes, be friends with her, and try again next semester. If it doesn't work out then, think about moving on.

 

[Phil333]

Thanks for the advice guys. It is very good, I must say.

I don't want to be a puppy dog, or hang around her like that. I just want to have the kind of friendship we had before I asked her out. Without the flirting but still the same kind of friendship. In two weeks she went from calling me, iming me a lot, hanging out to barely talking at all and I really don't know what I did. When I asked her out and she said she wanted to be friends and hang out and stuff still, I don't flirt with her but if shes online or if I see her I say hi, try to have a conversation. So basically all I want is the platonic friendship back for now to the way it was. I'm not asking for a relationship, not yet at least.

 

[peachykeen]

A friendship IS a relationship.

I believe what you mean is you don't want a ROMANTIC relationship.

One question: If you are very, very honest with yourself, 100% - is that actually true?

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Thanks for the advice guys. It is very good, I must say.

I don't want to be a puppy dog, or hang around her like that. I just want to have the kind of friendship we had before I asked her out. Without the flirting but still the same kind of friendship. In two weeks she went from calling me, iming me a lot, hanging out to barely talking at all and I really don't know what I did. When I asked her out and she said she wanted to be friends and hang out and stuff still, I don't flirt with her but if shes online or if I see her I say hi, try to have a conversation. So basically all I want is the platonic friendship back for now to the way it was. I'm not asking for a relationship, not yet at least.

Hon, I hate to be harsh, but to her, you could seem like a puppy. You moved a little fast. I certainly will pull back faster than a 747 taking off when guy confesses to having feelings for me after only a short period of time. You've known her for what, a month now? That's lust, my friend.

She's a freshman...I was there in fall 97. The last thing most girls want (contrary to pop opinion) is the stress of a bf esp right off. Whenever I had a b/f, or for that matter when I have a b/f I do get more wrapped up in him than I should be. It takes my focus away from school which is where it should be.

Maybe she likes you and needs the space. But the lets be friends talk is more often a blow off than it is anything else. I have often meant it, but it has rarely worked out.

My advice...go find another girl...if and when she decides she wants you she'll make a move.

 

[Chuckus]

Thanks for the advice guys. It is very good, I must say.

I don't want to be a puppy dog, or hang around her like that. I just want to have the kind of friendship we had before I asked her out. Without the flirting but still the same kind of friendship. In two weeks she went from calling me, iming me a lot, hanging out to barely talking at all and I really don't know what I did. When I asked her out and she said she wanted to be friends and hang out and stuff still, I don't flirt with her but if shes online or if I see her I say hi, try to have a conversation. So basically all I want is the platonic friendship back for now to the way it was. I'm not asking for a relationship, not yet at least.

Move on, leave her alone and go about your business. If you run into her........be cordial but don't treat it like a big deal, you are acting and sounding like a lost puppy. She sees it, knows it and is using it ~ because your letting her (she told you how she feels and what she wants and was "nice" in blowing you off and trying to let you down easy). She has told you her intent and what she desires/feels..............now go and find another one out there......don't look for it, it will happen when it is supposed to. In the meantime, enjoy college and hanging out with friends.