Girls and romanticism

[Little_Kitten]

So I've been wondering and wondering and wondering. I can sometimes do or say stuff to hint to my bf that I want something specific. But I've found that the male's hint-radar, is old, broken and... basically non-existent. So I always end up having to actually say what it is that I want (oh the horror). But I do tell it eventually. I know how important communication is. I've found that out by reading some posts here, observing my sister's breakup with her fucked-up whimpy boyfriend, who never had the fucking guts to tell her that his feelings for her were basically stalling and falling.... and falling....
.... till they hit the bottom, and he threw her out of their apartment. Well He said that they shouldn't live together anymore, and my sister got the hint and she left. Now she's crying most of the time cos she misses him. But I keep telling her that she doesn't miss HIM.... She misses the good times, and she misses all her "what if"-scenarios. Her fantasies of how perfect it would be if he changed. But... Guy DON'T change! Every damn woman's fault... Guys don't change unless it's something they already have in them.

Anyway I'm kind of getting a bit off topic of what I would say. Well firstly... I think I solved the mystery about girls and romantic films, that they so love to torture their partners with. And I think it's because they want to teach their boyfriend to be more romantic. Or in some cases it is. So guys beware. If your girl makes you watch a romantic movie with her, LEARN from it... I've seen how they go "awww.... Why don't you ever do that?" and then they continue watching the movie. But that sentence could very well be translated to "Please be more romantic!!! I need it! You haven't done anything romantic in months so i'm basically handing your assignment out to you! Take it! Learn it! Please take the hint!!"...

So this made me think about relationship needs, communication, hints... Do you ever hint stuff to your partner or do you flat out tell him "I want this" or "i need this"...
Communication is so important in relationships, and relationships where someone holds back his/her feelings(usually the guy), don't end well very often. The other part will feel drained of energy and decreased sexdrive. Also they might start looking for other people to be with.

So... How do you communicate in your relationship? Do you ever hint out, instead of telling flat out what you want, and how does your partner take this?

I'm just interested in knowing, cos well... I'm finding myself in a dilemma here... Sometimes I want my partner to do something for me, but I want it to come from HIM, not cos I tell him to. Don't get me wrong, we're both fine and really in love with each other still. I love him and he loves me. But I find it difficult to tell him some things because in my perfect little fantasy HE would do it... And do it because it makes him happy.
So I sometimes try to hint it out... but damn. His radar is broken too.. Guess I'll have to fix it somehow.


Anyway I'll stop here before I get too messy... I'll probably continue letting out my thoughts, once I see some responses to this post

Now discuss!

 

[Betticus]

You hint at better communication but after reading that I don't know what you want either.

At the end it says you want to change your boyfriend but at the start you state that men can't be changed.

 

[Netzach]

Give up on it coming from him. He's him. If he's not like that, then forget it, you have to ask.
So which is worse, going without whatever or asking for it directly and in a kind manner?

Only you know.

 

[myinnerslut]

im a hopeless romantic. A is the most practical person i know. i do things that i think are sweet and romantic that go right over his head. he never thinks romanticly. but somehow it works.

 

[h_i_s]

... Do you ever hint stuff to your partner or do you flat out tell him "I want this" or "i need this"...
Communication is so important in relationships, and relationships where someone holds back his/her feelings(usually the guy), don't end well very often. The other part will feel drained of energy and decreased sexdrive. Also they might start looking for other people to be with.

So... How do you communicate in your relationship? Do you ever hint out, instead of telling flat out what you want, and how does your partner take this?

No. I don't.

First things first: I seperate wants from needs. I don't want for much. I'm definitely not one to whine about what I want anyway. That aside... I've been lucky. He is very good at knowing what I want. Maybe that is because I don't want much. I don't always get what I want. But I do have just about everything that I need.

I don't 'tell' Him to do anything. Our relationship doesn't support that type of behavior. If I were to feel that I have to hint to get what I need or give voice to my desires and/or wants .... that would kill a lot of the joy of receiving, for me. It is very important to me to know that whatever He does is based on His wants [to]...... not because *I* want Him to. If it were any other way, it would really put us off balance in our relationship. I serve His wants not the other way around (He cares for my needs.. whichis a different can of worms... apples/oranges).

I love that i don't have to tell Him what I want or need. He's that good. He knows already, for the most part.

We didn't exist this way from day one. Unlimited trust and a ton of quality, open communication at all times has resulting in us growing to this point of understanding in our relationship.

 

[Betticus]

I'm easy, I'm a total whore for belly rubs!

 

[intothewoods]

Do you ever hint stuff to your partner or do you flat out tell him "I want this" or "i need this"...

I've never done the hinting. It's annoying. I have no patience for it. I also don't like to play the dating games either. I just can't deal. I'd rather lay it out on the table. But I digress...

As far as romantic gestures go, no, I don't hint. Frankly, if I want flowers badly, I'll just buy them. But I look at it a different way, and although I'm not owned property (sinn, it just cracks me up that your post more or less describes me!), I pretty much agree with sinn0cent here! My PYL doesn't bring me flowers, but ohmygod it rocks my world when he brings home his laptop for me to use at his house while watching tv , or comes up with a plan for tying me up and doing all sorts of wicked things, or buys exactly what I want for breakfast.

Oooh la la swooooon....

 

[h_i_s]

I'm easy, I'm a total whore for belly rubs!

Haha! Same for my 2 year old Lab.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm easy, I'm a total whore for belly rubs!

Omg, my cat is actually Betticus!

 

[Betticus]

Haha! Same for my 2 year old Lab.

We would probably get along then. Does he like frisbees?

 

[Betticus]

Omg, my cat is actually Betticus!

That's right, I'm a master of disguise!

 

[h_i_s]

We would probably get along then. Does he like frisbees?

He prefers Hoola Hoops.. jumps through them with ease...... over and over..

 

[h_i_s]

Omg, my cat is actually Betticus!

WOW.
That must be some kitty box you have there!

 

[Little_Kitten]

I don't Hint alot... But I do it sometimes when I don't feel its too important.

But If there's something I need, I wont hesitate to voice it out.
Also, I'm not trying to change anyone, just see if I can push things in the right direction... Every relationship has it's quirks and all that We both have things we need to work on.

Like... I might come out as too clingy sometimes. But it's something that I can and will change. Because It's not really me anyway... I didn't use to be that clingy. It just started.
But yea. I I communicate with him if there's something I miss... Or if there's something he misses. And then we usually sort it out.

But it would be so much easier if men were mind-readers Except when I dont want him to read my mind

 

[DeservingBitch]

I say quit watching those 'chick' movies. All of them reinforce this bullshit myth that people who are reeeeeeeeally in luuuuuuuuuve can read each other's mind and do the right thing just when it's needed. That's crap.

Once you give up on that idea, it doesn't feel that much against the purpose to have to voice your needs and desires.

 

[h_i_s]

I say quit watching those 'chick' movies. All of them reinforce this bullshit myth that people who are reeeeeeeeally in luuuuuuuuuve can read each other's mind and do the right thing just when it's needed. That's crap.

Once you give up on that idea, it doesn't feel that much against the purpose to have to voice your needs and desires.

Ay! Speak for yourself please.

Some of us can and do sometimes. Some of us have it that way sometimes.
It's those other times when the communication crap turns out to be useful.

The purpose will differ from one relationship to another. In this one, I don't direct. I don't push. Doing so goes against the primary grain of what works for us.

He leads. I follow. He directs. I like it that way. So does He.

All relationships are different. What works for might not work for another. Relationships are not one size fits all deals.
It's great when we can look at each others differences with an open mind and share what works for each other though. Of course.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Ay! Speak for yourself please.

Some of us can and do sometimes. Some of us have it that way sometimes.
It's those other times when the communication crap turns out to be useful.

But is it that you and your partner can actually read each other's mind, or is it that you've developed strong communication (which includes more than speaking) and have had time to learn each others' needs, desires, wants, etc.?

Serious question here.

 

[h_i_s]

And then we usually sort it out.

That's all that matters. This is key.

 

[h_i_s]

But is it that you and your partner can actually read each other's mind, or is it that you've developed strong communication (which includes more than speaking) and have had time to learn each others' needs, desires, wants, etc.?

Serious question here.

I already stated that in this thread. You read it, no? Scroll back please.
ETA: He and I decide what is against 'our' purpose or not. Just as you should decide for yourself.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I already stated that in this thread. You read it, no? Scroll back please.

Yes i did read it. And just did it again. Which is actually why i asked the question: because i didn't understand your comment. I didn't see how what i was saying was much different than what you had said before, ie, that time, quality communication and trust had more to do with your and his needs/desires/wants being satisfied than 'mind reading'.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I already stated that in this thread. You read it, no? Scroll back please.
ETA: He and I decide what is against 'our' purpose or not. Just as you should decide for yourself.

Oh - i get now what you were responding to!

See, my comment was more in response to what I understood the OP as saying (which I could be wrong about mind you), that is, that she sometimes feels like voicing her needs/desires somehow defies the purpose of having those needs/desires satisfied. Like, if I want him to make me feel special by giving me some flowers, it kind of defies the purpose if I have to ask for said flowers.

I didn't mean that comment to say anything about your relationship or anyone else's for that matter. Obviously, when D/s is involved, the whole 'voicing your needs/wants/desires' will often be negociated differently.

ETA: but I still think that D/s or not, the main point of my comment stands: nobody is mind reader, and love doesn't suddenly provide anyone with that ability.

 

[h_i_s]

Yes i did read it. And just did it again. Which is actually why i asked the question: because i didn't understand your comment. I didn't see how what i was saying was much different than what you had said before, ie, that time, quality communication and trust had more to do with your and his needs/desires/wants being satisfied than 'mind reading'.

For the sake of better understanding, our relationship and it's dynamic doesn't fit the following portion of what you are saying: "Once you give up on that idea, it doesn't feel that much against the purpose to have to voice your needs and desires.". He and I decide what is against 'our' purpose or not. Just as you should decide for yourself.

In this relationship, it's not my place to push or direct Him in any way shape or form. In many cases, it would be topping from the bottom. He decides what wants of mine are forfilled. We 're more extreme than some in this sense. It works both ways in that it doesn't mean as much to me if he does something for me if i have to ask him to do it. It's a greater satisfaction that he often just does.

And all that silly "bullshit myth that people who are reeeeeeeeally in luuuuuuuuuve can read each other's mind and do the right thing just when it's needed being crap" is REAL for a small handful of us. We started there. We started as that example. Communcation is simply what has *kept* us together.

If you have never experienced this type of love, I understand that you could think we are full of crap. It's often hard to imagine that which we can't or haven't experienced for ourselves. When we first met we were only half joking when we promised not to tell anyone how well we clicked and how strong our love was so very early on because we understood too clearly that so many would point the finger at us and cry 'bull shit'.

It's not crap. It's all here in the monster thread. You may want to read it sometime. I'd warn you that it's bound to be a long read though.

We are not the norm.. not the average.. and far from typical. But we exist.

Part of the reason I post to these boards is because I know that there are others out there who haven't found thier 'happily ever after'. Sometimes the success and happiness of others, provides hope for those who are still searching.

 

[DeservingBitch]

For the sake of better understanding, our relationship and it's dynamic doesn't fit the following portion of what you are saying: "Once you give up on that idea, it doesn't feel that much against the purpose to have to voice your needs and desires.". He and I decide what is against 'our' purpose or not. Just as you should decide for yourself.

In this relationship, it's not my place to push or direct Him in any way shape or form. In many cases, it would be topping from the bottom. He decides what wants of mine are forfilled. We 're more extreme than some in this sense. It works both ways in that it doesn't mean as much to me if he does something for me if i have to ask him to do it. It's a greater satisfaction that he often just does.

And all that silly "bullshit myth that people who are reeeeeeeeally in luuuuuuuuuve can read each other's mind and do the right thing just when it's needed being crap" is REAL for a small handful of us. We started there. We started as that example. Communcation is simply what has *kept* us together.

If you have never experienced this type of love, I understand that you could think we are full of crap. It's often hard to imagine that which we can't or haven't experienced for ourselves. When we first met we were only half joking when we promised not to tell anyone how well we clicked and how strong our love was so very early on because we understood too clearly that so many would point the finger at us and cry 'bull shit'.

It's not crap. It's all here in the monster thread. You may want to read it sometime. I'd warn you that it's bound to be a long read though.

We are not the norm.. not the average.. and far from typical. But we exist.

Part of the reason I post to these boards is because I know that there are others out there who haven't found thier 'happily ever after'. Sometimes the success and happiness of others, provides hope for those who are still searching.

OK - so just to clarify: I understand what you say about your relationship and its particular dynamic, especially the D/s (or M/s -- not sure how you define it) part.

And my comment about the whole 'mind reading' thing wasn't addressing any relationship in particular (such as yours), but rather disputing the common idea that love SHOULD make all of us mind reader, and that if someone can't read your mind, then it must mean that they don't really love you or don't love you enough.

I'm not disputing your claim that in your relationship, there is some 'mind reading' happening. You're in a much better position than I am to say anything about your relationship, so it would be quite ridiculous of me to argue with you on that.

ETA: and for the record, I too indulge in 'chicks movies' once in a while.

 

[Mazuri]

I find this topic slightly amusing as it is the exact thing my therapy session was about today lol I am quite guilty of the passive-aggressive cycle the OP describes and have been for years. I will say that it is more successful at sabotaging a relationship than it is at getting your wants/needs addressed.

Find out what is his "language" of love...how he expresses how he feels about you. I'm a card buyer...I love greeting cards. I could spend 5 hours in the Hallmark aisle of any given department store and leave with over $20 worth and be very happy. I send cards for birthdays, holidays, Tuesdays, and for no reason at all. However, I also WANT TO RECEIVE cards and would send them in the hopes my hubby would get the hint and send some back. But more than that, I wanted him to WANT to send me cards with the same fervour that I had for sending them to him. It doesn't work that way LOL That simply isn't his way of expressing how he feels and it will never have the meaning behind it for him that it has for me.

If you want flowers for special occasions, let him know that. Yes, it takes some of the spontaneity away, but it's better to let him know than to continually set him up to fail by simply hinting (and letting resentment build because he didn't meet your idea of what a boyfriend should do).

 

[Little_Kitten]

OK - so just to clarify: I understand what you say about your relationship and its particular dynamic, especially the D/s (or M/s -- not sure how you define it) part.

And my comment about the whole 'mind reading' thing wasn't addressing any relationship in particular (such as yours), but rather disputing the common idea that love SHOULD make all of us mind reader, and that if someone can't read your mind, then it must mean that they don't really love you or don't love you enough.

I'm not disputing your claim that in your relationship, there is some 'mind reading' happening. You're in a much better position than I am to say anything about your relationship, so it would be quite ridiculous of me to argue with you on that.

ETA: and for the record, I too indulge in 'chicks movies' once in a while.

I'm saying that I WISH men were mind-readers...

I'm not a very romantic person in the sugar-sweet sense. When I say romanticism, I think of stuff that makes me feel loved and good when my partner does something. I don't like flowers and certainly not filled chocolates. But we all have things that we think is romantic. Also

But if there is something that I feel I miss, it's better to voice it than to keep it to myself. Things bottle up if I don't and I get drained of energy.

I actually don't know what I'm trying to say here, just airing my though and observations. I just know from my observations with my friends' and specially my sister's relationship... That communicating the thing you need that you feel are missing, is much more helpful than hinting. But hinting might occur because the girls thinks her partner should know what she wants just because they are in love.
But maybe all it takes is voicing it out.
I'm also trying to get out of my hinting-habit, as I realize it doesn't do any difference .
It's much better to talk about it, and see if he can do anything about or not.
We usually end up with answer to the problem.

But yea... We have that D/s dynamic too. But it's difficult to implement when it's an online relationship.

Anyway. I'm just asking these random question to get a wide view of other people's methods. Who knows, maybe I find something I can use
We're still new in this relationship stuff(my first serious relationship to be honest).... So I'm just curious to see what you more experienced people have to say