Girlfriend can't orgasm!

[hurtme]

I love vocal guys...those almost primal noises...they send shivers down my spine, its how i know a guy is truely enjoying himself, when, despite how hard he tries, he just can't keep silent...wish they'd do it more...

 

[N8Dreams]

guess she needs professional help by a sex therapist

 

[CharleyH]

I wasn't able to orally orgasm for . . . hmmm . . . 4 months because I was so used to my last lover - what finally brought me back to life?

Someone not giving up! Someone who was willing to put my fantasies before I delivered theirs . . . PATIENCE.

Know what the person wants . . . that's paramount, and it could range from romance to the absolutely dirty . . .

She may be exceptionally embarrassed by an orgasm, self delivered or not. I don't know the situation, and so it's hard to comment, but my theory . . . ALWAYS . . .

Talk.

Communication is key to pleasure in both sex and life.

 

[instmsngrlady]

wow...this thread hit a little too close to home.

i have never been able to orgasm..EVER..with anyone.

and if i have by myself..i don't know it.

My current boyfriend has been trying for over a year to get me to come...but he told me recently (right after we took a 2 week break from each other) that he kinda just gave up trying and stopped caring whether or not i orgasmed.

I like having sex with him..but i don't really enjoy it the way i SHOULD be enjoying it. And knowing that he's doing it purely for his own pleasure doesn't help much either. Oh well...what would you expect from a heartless asshole?

 

[hurtme]

AH! Thank you! That is the perfect point i have been trying to come to and I couldn't figure out how to give an example...this is why i don't make a big deal out of not cumming, to the point where I have faked for years at a time...because of that exact senario...he tries and tries and tries, and finally gives up and sex is no longer an amazing bonding experience, or even all that much fun...all becuase you couldn't get off despite all his good intentions...

 

[huggs]

My girlfriend and I have been trying to get her to orgasm. We've tried everything from missionary to kama sutra. I eat her out, I finger her. We've tried everything but a vibrator. She's had sex with other guys and no one else has been able to bring her to orgasm. She can't get to orgasm through masturbation either.

Anyone have any ideas? We're willing to try just about anything!

RedGasm, there can be a variety of causes and also a variety of solutions, some of which have been discussed on this thread, but there is a fundamental element that, once I learned about it, made me orgasmic. Indeed, while before I was not orgasmic, now I am multi-orgasmic and I *ejaculate* regularly.

When my husband Hugger and I got together, I was non-orgasmic. He pledged that I would not go through our lives without my regularly experiencing the ecstacy of orgasm. We literally made a study of the matter. We learned what we think to be "the secret", which we're happy to share as it has changed my/our life/lives so profoundly.

Before "the secret" can do anything, however, it's important to acknowledge that there are psyhchological as well as physical factors. The necessary psychological ingredients (for me, anyway)include love and trust and enough self-respect and love to know that I/you are not only capable of but also entitled to complete physical pleasure. It is essential to be with a partner with whom you feel safe enough to release - to lose control. Assuming that, there is a physical factor of enormous consequence: vaginal tone.

We learned that if a woman does a certain type of vaginal exercise, she can dramatically increase her sensitivity, control and pleasure. Most women know about "kegel" exercises, as did I. I did them for years, while driving, working, cooking, etc. However, just squeezing proves to be pretty ineffective. The key is to do kegel exercises *under load*, and to isolate the key muscles, which are the floor and ceiling pelvic muscles. If those muscles are isolated and exercised regularly, with progressively increasing resistance, they bulk up (of course), which means that there's a significant increase in blood flow, which means more oxygen, which means more sensitivity. It's a very big difference.

We looked at and researched all the devices that are available to provide resistance for kegel exercises, and found that there is one that seems considerably better. It's pictured in the accompanying photo. The device has multiple springs in the handle which can be rearranged to provide a whole bunch of different levels of resistance. I insert it into my vagina, release the locking screw, the springs push me open and I squeeze it closed. It is amazing how fast I got so much stronger. And, within a very short period of time, I had my first orgasm - and it was a deep, rumbling vaginal orgasm.

The pace increased quickly so that it became normal for me to orgasm many times per lovemaking session. In not too much time, I started having multiple orgasms. Consistently, I was having the deep, rich, vaginal orgasms. Then, one morning, I ejaculated!! I gushed all over myself and my husband. It was, quite literally, the most amazing experience of my life!!! I fell into my husband's arms sobbing, for almost 2 hours. I never knew...! I certainly had no idea I could do that. Now, it's my norm. Sometimes, when we're making love, I orgasm and ejaculate 8-10 times.

So, assuming that you're in a healthy relationship/situation, I would **strongly** recommend that you get a device that provides progressive resistance for kegel exercises, and *do the exercises*. The results will be rapid, profound, and enduring. There are a bunch of extra bonuses, too. One is that the exercises feel really good to do, as you're pumping up the muscles, increasing the blood flow and therefore, hypersensitizing the area. It also helps that the nubbie tip of the device is rubbing the g-spot during the exercises. And, it is the best, best, best addition to foreplay. I do the exercises, while Hugger "coaches" me. He plays with my body, with my tits, with my clit, getting me excited and trying to distract me. This actually makes the exercises more effective, as I must concentrate that much harder. Also, it helps me to focus on myself "down there", which many non-orgasmic women don't know how to do. And then, ask Hugger what he thinks about all of this!! I quickly became so strong, and so in control, that I can make him cum just by sitting on top of him and squeezing - no body movement. I just look in his eyes and... It's sublime! Ask him...

There's also a spiritual dimension to all of this. It's about the woman gaining great strength at her core. It's about the balance that occurs when the woman can have equal expectation of complete release, just as does the man - which is what female ejaculation allows. When doing the exercises as part of foreplay, which is standard for us now, it also means that we are commencing our lovemaking with a focus on my health. I believe that I'm not alone as a woman in saying that it hasn't always been that way...

So, that's our dissertation on the topic. We welcome questions as we've become sort of zealots about this. We grounded ourselves in our love, learned a lot about the critical factors in realizing our greatest sexual potential, researched the alternatives and achieved enormous, life-changing success for ourselves. We've participated in threads about this before and have loved hearing back from women, most of whom are somewhat breathless. This makes us feel really good. Item last, it gave us an excuse to post intimate pictures of me, which we both learned we like to do.

huggs
hugger1011@hotmail.com
_____________________

huggs' nipple adornment thread

 

[hurtme]

I wonder if tantric meditation might do anything for increasing the chances of orgasming. I was tlaking to someone who told me that there is a tantric medidtation so that you can bring yourself to orgasm, without so much as moving a muscle, it all happens in your mind. I would imagine that learning to be able to do that during foreplay or sex may increase ones chances...I will have to add it to my never ending things I need to do some reaserch on...

 

[Bobmi357]

wow...this thread hit a little too close to home.

i have never been able to orgasm..EVER..with anyone.

and if i have by myself..i don't know it.

My current boyfriend has been trying for over a year to get me to come...but he told me recently (right after we took a 2 week break from each other) that he kinda just gave up trying and stopped caring whether or not i orgasmed.

I like having sex with him..but i don't really enjoy it the way i SHOULD be enjoying it. And knowing that he's doing it purely for his own pleasure doesn't help much either. Oh well...what would you expect from a heartless asshole?

Excuse me? He may be a heartless asshole, but he's spent a year trying to bring you pleasure and has given up, most likely out of complete frustration. Personally I can't say I blame him either. People can try only so long to help someone before they quit trying. Not to mention, but you say nothing about what you did to help him try to help you.

What do you intend to do, blame your problem on every lover you have? What help have you sought over this? Writing to a sex oriented BBS isn't seeking help, talking to your doctor, perhaps trying a therapist or two is seeking help. But putting the ball entirely in your partner's court is stupid. And blaming him for your failure is just petty.

And what about the message you're sending your boyfriend? You continue to have sex with him despite feeling little pleasure from the act. Of course he's going to start using it for his pleasure only. He's tried to help you, he spent a year trying to help you with no results and still you offer your body up to him, so now he's given up and simply uses you for his own pleasure.

You know there is a problem, you say you've never even achieved an orgasm by masturbating, so instead of putting the blame on your boyfriend, why aren't you concerned enough to seek professional help?

My advice to you is to dump the "heartless asshole", it will be a favor to him. Then seek professional help and keep trying until you learn how to please yourself first. In the meantime avoid any relationships of any sort. Its not fair to you, or to anyone you partner with. And while you're at it, grow up and lose the whiney attitude. Its your problem, fix it, don't turn the blame onto someone else.

ps. I know and fully expect to get flamed by this, but before you spend hours composing and recomposing your flames for maximum insulting content. I should warn you I ignore any insulting flames. If you want to engage in a conversation then do so as an adult without resorting to name calling.

 

[hurtme]

wow, nice...talk about jumping the gun...if you know your posts are going to insult, then what is the point of posting them? I love the way that it is the womans fault if she can't orgasm, she obviously isnt seeking the "proper" help, or trying hard enough. Maybe she should just go have some electro shock treatment, or a lobotomy...she might not remember her own name, or whatever mental blocks may be in place preventing her orgasm... but she might also be able to respond to base nerve stimulation and inflate her guys ego, and make him less dissapointed...
Not everyone wants to spend the time or the money to go to a shrink and have them tell you "its all in your head, you need to relax" Some of us have been there done that. Face it, even if a woman followed all of your sage advice, went and got probed by countless docs and shrinks, and STILL couldn't orgasm, it would be ok for the guy to make her feel like shit, because she obviously wasn't trying. And any woman who can't orgasm after all that, well, they obviously are doing it just to make their SO feel like shit...

 

[Bobmi357]

wow, nice...talk about jumping the gun...if you know your posts are going to insult, then what is the point of posting them? I love the way that it is the womans fault if she can't orgasm, she obviously isnt seeking the "proper" help, or trying hard enough. Maybe she should just go have some electro shock treatment, or a lobotomy...she might not remember her own name, or whatever mental blocks may be in place preventing her orgasm... but she might also be able to respond to base nerve stimulation and inflate her guys ego, and make him less dissapointed...
Not everyone wants to spend the time or the money to go to a shrink and have them tell you "its all in your head, you need to relax" Some of us have been there done that. Face it, even if a woman followed all of your sage advice, went and got probed by countless docs and shrinks, and STILL couldn't orgasm, it would be ok for the guy to make her feel like shit, because she obviously wasn't trying. And any woman who can't orgasm after all that, well, they obviously are doing it just to make their SO feel like shit...

Go back and reread her post. She says if she's ever orgasmed via masturbation, she doesn't know it. Then she goes on to call her boyfriend a heartless asshole because he gave up after a year of trying to help her? Lots of guys wouldn't have stuck around for that long.

And I'm not telling her to dump him because she can't orgasm, I'm telling her to dump him because her attitude is immature, its not fair to blame him when she can't even do it to herself.

She knows something is wrong, and unlike you hurtme, she wants to fix it. Her problem isn't so much with the fact she can't orgasm as she's putting more of the blame on the boyfriend for giving up than she is on herself. The old "It can't be me" syndrome.

Fact: She doesn't even know if she's ever orgasmed from masterbation.

HOW IS THAT THE GUYS FAULT?

I'll buy into the argument that women need to learn how to orgasm, I'll even buy into the idea that some women can enjoy sex without any orgasm. But it seems immature to me to get pissed at a boyfriend that gives up trying to pleasure her after a year when she doesn't even know how to pleasure herself. How can he do it, if she doesn't know how to do it?

 

[Ylvie]

Couples should be able to have a satisfying sexlife despite the fact that she can't orgasm. It's when it becomes an endless test for him that something goes wrong, because sooner or later he gives up and no longer cares. Communication is the keyword, but so many men are overwhelmed by their male ego and just won't listen to us when it comes to this. I can have very good sex without the orgasm! I get turned on just from slight touches from him... If he was to stop turning me on just because it doesn't lead me to the orgasm - despite tries - I would indeed be upset with him! Of course this becomes a different thing when she gets no pleasure at all, but I for one do get turned on. A lot. I love sex, and I want lots of sex, I just don't want him to focus all that much on the freaking orgasm, as that's the hard part. I only managed few days ago to really make my boyfriend understand the whole issue. Before that, he preferred to simply cut me off and tell me that I would orgasm, and I would orgasm from normal sex and vaginal intercourse, all I needed was to get mental blocks out of the way. I doubt I have any mental blocks, I don't see where they would come from. I orgasm just fine when I masturbate (though it sometimes takes long time), but only from stimulating clitoris. This he refused to take to heart, he really got into the male ego thing and wanted me to orgasm simply because it would be his triumph, and not because it would matter to me - which it doesn't, as I have wonderful sex even without it. Well, on to the point: In the end I got to tell him that communication is what matters, and that he has to listen to me if we'll get anywhere at all. Now apparently we will try everything we didn't until now; different positions, stimulating clitoris, he'll talk to me (as suggested earlier in this thread) and he'll try not to make a big deal out of it if I can't orgasm. All of this is very appealing, as all of it simply will turn me on a lot. Now all I have to say is: PHEW!!!
I thought he'd never understand!

 

[instmsngrlady]

I never thought i'd be flamed for writing what I did.

I guess I should've explained better.

He's a heartless asshole as a whole..as a person. And this aspect of our relationship is just another part of his heartlessness.

and I have tried helping him..I've told him that i wanted it slower...I want it to be sweet and gentle..i want to feel like we're making love, not just fucking to get it over with.

He's NEVER gone slow, he's never taken the time to tell me how beautiful I am, how amazing I feel. He's never even called my name. Even whenI've asked him to. It's gets a little disheartening when all he ever calls you is "baby". You can call anyone "baby"...but when you use their name..it makes it 10 times more special..10 times more intimate.

I HAVE tried. I have tried to see if I could pleasure myself. And i feel 10 times more pleasure with myself than I do with him. But I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S AN ORGASM THAT I'M FEELING...that's what I meant by "if i've ever had one by myself, I don't know".

I NEVER blamed him for anything. And I did appreciate his determination to try to get me to come. And I do understand that at some point after countless failures, you become desensitized and you give up. But he's never done for me what I've asked....b/c he's a heartless asshole. He does not have the emotional capacity it takes to HELP ME.

And for someone to tell you..."since i could never get you to come, I gave up...and I used you like a doll from then on"..

how would you feel?? I've never bamed him for my inability to orgasm...in fact ever since we started dating I've told him time and time again...it's me. I just need to learn to let go and not be so tense. But when I finally did let go...it still didn't help..b/c by then he didn't feel like trying anymore.

Argh..this is getting too long. Maybe I should dump him and save him the trouble of sleeping with a "doll".....and I don't just lay there waiting for it to end. I get into it...b/c I know that at least I can try to turn myself on to make myself feel something. Sex with him is pleasurable..but it's not life altering. That's all I was saying.

eeh..whatever.

 

[snazzy54]

Re: Re: Girlfriend can't orgasm!

We learned that if a woman does a certain type of vaginal exercise, she can dramatically increase her sensitivity, control and pleasure. Most women know about "kegel" exercises, as did I. I did them for years, while driving, working, cooking, etc. However, just squeezing proves to be pretty ineffective. The key is to do kegel exercises *under load*, and to isolate the key muscles, which are the floor and ceiling pelvic muscles. If those muscles are isolated and exercised regularly, with progressively increasing resistance, they bulk up (of course), which means that there's a significant increase in blood flow, which means more oxygen, which means more sensitivity. It's a very big difference.

...And, within a very short period of time, I had my first orgasm - and it was a deep, rumbling vaginal orgasm....

The pace increased quickly so that it became normal for me to orgasm many times per lovemaking session. In not too much time, I started having multiple orgasms. Consistently, I was having the deep, rich, vaginal orgasms. Then, one morning, I ejaculated!! I gushed all over myself and my husband. It was, quite literally, the most amazing experience of my life!!! I fell into my husband's arms sobbing, for almost 2 hours. I never knew...! I certainly had no idea I could do that. Now, it's my norm. Sometimes, when we're making love, I orgasm and ejaculate 8-10 times."


huggs, I hope you don't feel like I'm following you but I wanted to see if you had posted anywhere other than the nipple adornment thread and I found you here...it appears that you are just as supple in thoughfulness as in form...not sure about the wording there but I hope you get the idea...

I would love to know more about the exercises you're talking about. My beloved and I are on a journey toward her ejaculating right now. It's fun trying but sometimes a bit frustrating as she tends to stop our momentum, shall we say, when she's overcome by the need to pee...will the strengthening you refer to help with that issue? Also, what is the device you're talking about? We tried with the barbell type thing for awhile but she said it was awkward and uncomfortable, so we didn't make much progress there.

Anyway, we're really looking forward to learing more...

snazzy

 

[hurtme]

whats up with all the armchair shrinks lately, and what in the world makes you think I don't WANT to have an orgasm with my SO...I must be a cruel bitch who gets off on detroying his ego right? Wanting and needing are two different things though... You just seem to think it is so easy for a woman...to get over it, for it to be better. But its not, and if you don't think it can be just as devestating to a womans sense of ego as, say, impotence is to a mans then you are sadly mistaken. Sometimes all the shrinks and docs in the world aren't going to make a difference, especially if you aren't comfortable with them.
I didn't say that I didn't want to have an orgasm, I did however, say that sex can be enjoyable and even satisfying without orgasm...and that in the past i have found it easier to just not say anything, becuase once this bucket of worms is opened, it is hard to close.

 

[herecomestherain]

This too might seem like "armchair shrink/new age" advice but it is based on my personal experience and I offer it up as such for instmsgrlady[/B] .
1. Lose the loser, don't stay in relationships that are crap.

2. Get over it, don't stay hurt forever, learn something from it.

3. Learn to love and know yourself, deeply and intimately.

4. Become a sexpert, study up and educate yourself, make sex
your hobby. Know about the depth and breadth of human sexual response. Read, read, read. Try anniesprinkle.org for fun. Clitical.com and doctorg.com are good for info.

5. Practice, experiment, be playful. Masturbate daily, heck make that twice daily! Be happy.

6. Find a generous lover to be with, be a generous lover. Be good at giving and receiving pleasure.

7. Forget the trying to achieve simultaneous orgasm with a partner, take turns.

8. Men please focus on your partners pleasure for as long as it takes to get them to maximum pleasure. This sounds a little silly but sometimes women feel guilty/greedy if they feel like they are taking too long,we are scared that our lovers are going to stop or get tired of focussing on us. It is one of lifes great joys when you find a lover who is generous and turned on by giving you pleasure.

9. Turn yourself on, treat yourself nice...seek pleasure everywhere,make everything you do for yourself daily a little more sensual. Enjoy you body in the shower when you wash. Eat luscious fruit, wear soft fabrics. Read erotica, watch porn,play sexy music.
10. Creative people know about the concept of "filling the well". If the well is empty there is nothing to give. Give yourself sexy experiences whenever possible.

Finally, I do love Readyones's advice about sexy talk, I have been talked to orgasm before. It's very hot!
Mr.G's thread in How To re Try This and Report Back is highly recommended reading. Sorry I haven't got the hang of the creating links thing yet. Will work on this.

 

[Mr.G]

JUST A THOUGHT

There seems to be a lot of you who have wives-gf's-S.O.'s who are unable to cum from any of the more traditional moves. I'm just wondering if any of you have tried the GSpot technique described in TRY THIS AND REPORT BACK?

I'm NOT saying this will fix the "condition" for ALL of you but it may help some. It may allow the girl to relax and just let things build. Some women will NOT respond because there are other things going on but a few will find themselves being ovewhelmed with the sensation of the build-up of their orgasms. If they can allow themselves to cum this way then they should be able to follow the feeling to clitoral orgasms later. Usually it is the other way around. After clitoral orgasms a few couples discover the G&ASpot orgasms but you guys have the advantage of reading stuff like this in here so try this TECHNIQUE if nothing else works. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Let us know if this alternate approach works for any of you and GOOD LUCK!