GF won't commit to embracing her bi side

[ninjumanji]

Hi Lit Forums. Been a while since I've posted but I had an issue that I knew only my pervy friends could help me with.

I have a GF and we're doing well. Sex life is realistic with the pressure of life. She has confessed several bi tendencies which of course makes my male mind go crazy. She has said things like:

1. "I'd totally make out with her"
2. "I used to get off to lesbian porn"
3. "I had a dream last night that I had sex with woman X and it was super hot."

Thing is she won't commit to any sort of action and gets testy when I tell her I fantasize about her and I in a threeway. I feel kind of stuck now. I want to encourage this side of her for the obvious selfish reasons but also because it would suck for her to fake/hide something from me.

Help?

 

[quimsical]

But but wait! You've equated your girlfriend "embracing her bi side" with you and her being in a "threeway." That's not starting off exactly on the right foot.

If she were to truly explore her bisexuality, she would be exploring fantasies about having sex with a woman, *with or without you.* If this were to transition into real life, this may raise some issues:

1. She would have to agree to be in an open relationship (it's worth looking up polyamory), at least for a while. This could raise all the usual (but important) questions about monogamy.

2. She would have to seriously consider taking what's a fantasy, and figuring out who she wants to have sex with. It's not a slam dunk -- people are complicated

In general, you might want to make this *not about you at all.* In other words, you should transition from being a dude that just wants a "threeway" (and believe me, we all kind of do) to a dude that's a bit more empathetic with his partner's fantasies. Once you do that, who knows? Things could work out for you It's not about you. It's about your lovely girlfriend. In the meantime, enjoy a rich fantasy life.

 

[ninjumanji]

thanks Quimsical. I'll try to keep a more "mediated" approach. To explain things better, let me storytell.

Yes a threeway would be awesome. But if she were to simply pick up a girl or guy at a bar and make out with them. I'd be happy. My GF is super sensual, so seeing her be sexy makes me happy and turns me on. She said she is turned on at the thought of a MFM threesome. While I'm not really into the idea I offered to set it up for her. If she had a lady playmate on the side I'd be happy.

Most of the time when I encourage or bring it up, it makes her feel self-conscious. That's what I'm trying to help her with.

 

[Eilan]

In general, you might want to make this *not about you at all.

QFFT.

If she has bi fantasies, she should fulfill them, if she wants to, because it's something she wants to do, not as another way for you to get your rocks off. Stop hounding her.

 

[fallenhera]

Ok, I will wput in my 2 cents if it is worth anything. I am a bi-curious girl, have touched but never really done much with another girl. But I would love too. That being said we are picky, very picky when it comes to girls, WE have to be the one to choose them and usually its just going to me our on thing at first, then once we are comfortable we can bring them into the actual relationship we are in..

She is most likely insecure about herself, and possibily even in your commitment to our relationship with her. Never make it about the other girl, never mention that you;d like to fuck the other girl, etc. She will not go for it, you cant say ooo what about that girl? She has to know and FEEL that your relationship is sound and bound. that you are not going to leave her, or make her feel like she is less attractive, etc. let her find her way give her every ounce of security she will need let her know its important to you that she is happy, she gets what she wants and once she realizes you are not going to treat her badly or put her down then you are comfortable with going further and maybe watching, and eventually joining but only when she is comfortable. give her time let her explore and let her know you wont see it as cheating, but always know the risk you take if she is attracted to women she might fall in love with them.

 

[MasterandSir]

My 2 cents.... Have you considered the possibility that she isn't actually bi? Perhaps she is telling you these things to tease and titillate. Or maybe she used to get off on the taboo of it but not on the women. Maybe she doesn't feel it would be right to bring another party into the relationship, which has been the case with several bi women I know.

 

[itismeinnz]

If she's "testy", step carefully friend. I have had an experience of... partner got hot on the thought of a threesome with certain friend, I got hot on the idea, we arranged it, my partner started getting cold feet, I was the one to push to go ahead for us to do it... the threesome wasn't worth the aftermath.

If it ain't one hundred percent mutally desired, don't do it. Reality is a hell of a lot different from fantasy. Let her arrive at the decision (if she ever does) in her time. An unequivocal decision based on her needs, not just yours.

 

[RAddams]

Is your motivation purely selfish? Would you be cool with her having sex with other women when ever she wants without you there?

Its probably obvious to her that you are only interested in your own pleasure from a three way. Sounds to me like her interest in other women is for her own satisfaction not yours. Consider that all the things you listed involve her and another woman not a three way.

Would you be into another man joining you and her?

 

[gemaussieslut]

hell... I love looking at lesbian porn, it's more often than not what I look at when I get off....
and plenty of times i've thought to myself - yeah i'd totally make out with her..

I am not bi (have fooled around and had a few threesomes... but in that scenario i was the extra woman and didnt have the pressure of relationship issues and security of one)

but i love a cock way more than anything.

just because she says those three things, doesn't make her bi or even bi curious - she just finds it a turn on.
get her to actually tell you she is interested in exploring that side (not you pressuring her into it, or you bringing it up... she has to bring it up) then.. yeah thats a different thing

 

[subwannabe]

Here's my two cents:

first penny - I have some hot fantasies that really turn me on but ultimately I probably don't really want them to happen in real life. She may be the same.

second penny - be careful what you wish for.

 

[ninjumanji]

Let me ask you this.
How would you feel if she wanted to have sex with you and another male at the same time?

First of all thanks for all the feedback! I'm very thankful for it.

I'm pretty sure I answered this most burning question in my second post:

She said she is turned on at the thought of a MFM threesome. While I'm not really into the idea I offered to set it up for her.

I don't think I"m being pushy but I'll take a step back and evaluate.

If it's any help. I've gone down on her while she has watched her lez porn, she loved it.

 

[fire_breeze]

I don't normally respond to these types of thread, but there are several points that you have brought up that I'd like to address...

I hope you don't mind, but there are some things I'd like to bring out which sort of contradicts what you are saying. You say you do not think that you are being pushy.

I don't think I"m being pushy but I'll take a step back and evaluate.

I have a GF and we're doing well. Sex life is realistic with the pressure of life. She has confessed several bi tendencies which of course makes my male mind go crazy. She has said things like:

1. "I'd totally make out with her"
2. "I used to get off to lesbian porn"
3. "I had a dream last night that I had sex with woman X and it was super hot."

Thing is she won't commit to any sort of action and gets testy when I tell her I fantasize about her and I in a threeway. I feel kind of stuck now. I want to encourage this side of her for the obvious selfish reasons but also because it would suck for her to fake/hide something from me.

But if she were to simply pick up a girl or guy at a bar and make out with them. I'd be happy. My GF is super sensual, so seeing her be sexy makes me happy and turns me on. She said she is turned on at the thought of a MFM threesome. While I'm not really into the idea I offered to set it up for her. If she had a lady playmate on the side I'd be happy.

Most of the time when I encourage or bring it up, it makes her feel self-conscious. That's what I'm trying to help her with.

According to the previous posts, well... yeah. You are being pushy. Just because your girlfriend gets off of lesbian porn and has bi-fantasies (which are a completely different story than being bi-curious) does not necessarily mean that she wants to a) fuck another woman and b) have a threesome. It just means that she enjoys the images. A lot of people enjoy images but do not want the reality - the importance is to know the difference.

Also, I'd like to add, just because someone is bi-curious does not mean s/he would be willing to do a threesome. The two activities are mutually exclusive. She may very well be reacting negatively to your push for a threesome. Actually, from what you have written, she is.

Furthermore, your posts (especially the highlighted part) seems to be indicate that this is primarily your fantasy and her desires comes second. I may be misinterpreting, but how you present something is crucial. You repeatedly say that if she was to have a lady on the side, you'd be happy... what about her?

If it's any help. I've gone down on her while she has watched her lez porn, she loved it.

So? That means nothing, nor is it indicative that she wants to have some chick go down on her. It means that she got off of lesbian porn (and please remember, porn is not reflective of reality. Porn is a fantasy) while you provided the oral entertainment. Nothing more, nothing less.


We all have fantasies and some of those fantasies we prefer not to enact them. I have some fantasies which I have share with my all that I do not want to ever experience. He knows this (and yes, also that I don't want to try it), and has never brought it up. This may be very well be the case with your girl-friend: it's something that is strictly in the realm in fantasy but she has no desire to experience it. Why push it?

Let me put it this way: she may very well be bi-curious, but at this moment she is plainly not ready. Pushing someone to something sexual - even if it's his/her deepest desires - before s/he is ready is the fastest, surest way to turn him/her off of that sexual act. Trust me, I am speaking from experience. Furthermore, while your girl-friend might actually enjoy herself, the potential that she will resent you is huge. Again, trust me on this. However, when you are in a loving and caring relationship, where the individual feels safe, secure and comfortable and not pushed, such exploration can be literally mind-blowing

My opinion? Drop it. You say that she won't 'commit'. This is not something you commit to. It's something you explore if you want and are ready for it, and not a moment before. Let her know that IF and WHEN she is ready, she can discuss it, and then do not bring it up again. Communication is key, and for now, the ball is in her court.

The question that you want to be that awesome boyfriend, who is understanding and fun or do you want to be that creepy, douche-bag of a boyfriend? Keep pushing and I guarantee that you will fall in the latter category.

Again, these are just my thoughts - you did ask for our opinions... I guess I'll just fluff it up at the Playground now

Good luck.

 

[celticbtrfly]

Speaking as a woman who's bicurious and married, while I've appreciated the support and encouragement that my husband has given to me to meet, find, make out with other women, it raises a lot of concerns and questions for me. (And no, it wouldn't be a threesome situation. It would probably be more of a poly situation.)

I worry that it would damage my marriage or maybe I'd realize that I'd really rather be with women then men and the marriage would end. There's a multitude of reasons that she could be hesitant. The other thing is what you're viewing as encouragement, she could be viewing as pushing, and that's not going to help anyone.

Be there to listen. Be there if she there's a woman she enjoys. By all means, enjoy lesbian porn together. But I would suggest stepping back and letting her come to her own conclusion about what she wants to do or is willing to do with another woman. And, honestly, be prepared for the potential that if she fulfills this fantasy, you might be out of the picture. I've seen it happen with a number of friends of mine.

 

[SkAoUt]

You need some finesse. You plant the seed and let it germinate. Now I know how this works in theory but I'll admit to being poor at the practice part however hear me out.

So in the back of your mind you've got this desire to help along your gfs bisexual nature. Ok fine. What red blooded male wouldn't want that? Sure they're out there but they're a minority. What you don't want to do is go in all ham fisted and fuck this up by spooking her. Ideally you're going to want to know a couple that are bisexual. Not for the hook up but for introducing the idea. It would be insanely ideal for your gf to be (at least) cool with the female half of the bisexual couple.

Somehow invite them over. "I ran into such and such at the petrol station..." Now is not the time to put the rubber sheets on the bed covered with the red satin/silk bedding. Now is the time to have a normal dinner party with another couple. With enough wine/beer/saki/rotgut the conversation will inevitably lead to sex. Possibly not the first time y'all get together but maybe the second time. And all of a sudden your gf is listening to some of the adventurous things this couple is doing between the sheet and she feels left out/boring/uncool/behind the times. Still hold your tongue and don't let your imagination run away from you. All in good time.

Now this is only one type of situation. There are many. All you have to do is set them up. Then you sit back and with some luck and encouraging words on your part things might just happen. I'm not going to guarantee this approach however not being pushy and setting up situations that lead your gfs thinking in certain directions increases your chances. And that is all you can do. Try to increase your gfs chances of "following through". It may never happen as she decides its not for her but then again...

 

[SweetErika]

You have received great advice so far.

I think a lot of women are particularly sensitive to ulterior motives and pushing, and even if you think you're being super sneaky or subtle about it, she's probably seeing right through you.

I'll add that most of the attached bi women I come across are of the 'I'm open to my significant other watching or participating down the road if it's something you and I decide we want, but I'm really only seeking a gf/lover for myself, not some kind of group situation' variety.

The best thing my husband did when I told him I felt the strong desire to explore with other women was tell me his honest feelings (e.g. that he would love to at least watch at some point and his fears) and then encourage me to explore on my own since he was satisfied with my reassurance that I would not leave him for another woman. And I needed to explore on my own to figure out how I truly felt about my sexuality. Many years later, I still prefer to pursue relationships with other women on my own because bringing male energy into the equation totally changes things and does not satisfy the woman-loving part of me. F/F encounters and MFF or MFFM encounters are totally different things.

Mild and fake female bisexuality are very popular in our culture right now. In addition, sexuality is a spectrum, meaning your gf may very well be much closer to the straight end than in the bisexual zone. If I were you, I'd let her know I'd support her wherever she falls on the spectrum and welcome her to come to me IF she'd ever like to explore in reality, with or without me. Then drop anything beyond what she's obviously comfortable with at this time, and ask her to let you know if something you say or do makes her feel uncomfortable because you value honesty and openness in your relationship. IF she ever truly wants to take it further, she'll almost certainly let you know.

 

[rbone04]

Well said SweetErika...

You may be feeling a bit "beat up" by some of the comments here ninjumanji, but if this something that is truly important to you, then you've received some of the best advice I've seen so far on lit for questions like this. I'd take it all in and run with it.

Speaking as a man who is bisexual myself I have been in many open relationships with bisexual women. A few of whom had their first experiences with women while we were together. Because I am always open about my bisexuality early on in a relationship, it may make my ability to allow women to to become comfortable with these ideas a bit easier (that is, if they don't run for the hills when they find out I date men and women!).

The key is empathizing with her, because trust me... you will never understand her. Take everything she says about her fantasy at face value right now, because as far as you know it's just that - fantasy. By forcing the assumption that she even wants to actually explore her bisexual side, you may be hindering her ability to embrace it. She could be confused as to whether her thoughts are pleasing to her because she truly feels the need to be with women; or if they are pleasing to her because she knows the idea turns you on. If she's confused, she'll likely suppress the issue altogether.

I'd stay away from passive, cute comments about how much it turns you on, etc. Keep it grown up. This could be a life-changing decision for her, and one that she may guard as extremely personal and intimate. Always make it about her. This is her fantasy. She knows damn well you would love to have a threesome, so don't bring it up again. Ask her how she feels when she thinks about being with women and how it turns her on (not necessarily how much--but, in what ways). If you leave yourself out of the equation while talking about the subject, she will work you in if and when she is ready.

Also, don't factor out the possibility that she may truly want to be with women without being with you at the same time. Not saying she may want to leave you for a woman (though it's happened), but maybe her fantasy is all about women and has nothing to do with you. Are you prepared for the conversation heading in that direction? You should be. After all, as much as you may think you like the thought of your girlfriend with another woman... things may change once it happens. She will have given herself physically to another person. Can you handle that? I'd think very hard about that before discussing this ever again, as emotions that result as a reaction to reality are always more powerful than those that result as a reaction to fantasy. Good luck!!

 

[Kojote]

Thing is she won't commit to any sort of action and gets testy when I tell her I fantasize about her and I in a threeway.

Think about that.
Just... think about that...

Help?

Look.
You are one of those guys who have a gf that doesn't freak out about you looking at some nice ass. In fact she is looking to and getting kinky about it later every once in a while.

Do you really wan't to go down the line of destroying what you have and ending up with another - most likely not that open minded - gf in a couple of months?

 

[mostlyintact]

The advice in this thread is really spot on!

I do want to comment on the topic of bisexuality though.

As a number of people have pointed out, bisexuality is not a binary descriptor. In fact, for most sex research done today a sliding scale with 7 zones is used. This scale ranges from what is basically, "Hererosexual and actively turned off by the thought of intimacy with the same" to "Homosexual and actively turned off by the thought of intimacy with the other sex," with bisexuality being somewhere in the middle.

A lot of research suggests that the majority of the male population (>0.5) does not fall into one of the two extremes.

Quick disclaimer though: sexuality research is usually performed via self reports. There is not a level of confidence here anywhere near what you'd see in a physics experiment.

On a personal note, your girlfriend may be a lot like me. I am attracted to other women, and would almost defiantly enjoy a sexually intimate encounter with one. But at this stage in my life I'm simply not willing to complicate my life by being openly bisexual, and I don't like the idea of loving or fucking someone in secret.

 

[Leon_k]

Let's try a reverse case-study.

you're bi.
you bring second man.
but your wife ends up enjoying his cock more than yours and then dumps you for him.

Now will you dare commit to embracing your bi-side??
Some difference in real life vis-a-vis lit stories and porn movies.
If you're destined for MFF may be you'll get it without effort.
I don't think you should push this matter too much.

 

[brunette1989]

From someone who says the same things as you said your girlfriend does; a few things to mention.

1. The difference between fantasy and reality is huge!!

2. Alot of girls have a fear of actually engaging in a threesome with another girl because if you really love (like/want) someone then you don't really want to see them with someone else and there's the possibility that the guy will enjoy the other girl more.

3. The slight possibility of actually really enjoying being with girl and the dilema that comes with that.

 

[ninjumanji]

thanks for all the great feedback! Lots to think about!

 

[His_pet_slut]

as a bi-female I just have to state that I get so damn tired of it being automatically assumed that I'll be so ecstatic over being with so-and-so's girlfriend that I'll just be all over the idea of being in a threesome with you. Yes I am bi. Yes I sometimes do the threesome thing. Yes I sometimes do the let bf watch thing, but I'll tell you what. My years of experience have led to my belief that the biggest part of the time if it is a girls first girl on girl experience and she will only do it with him along, she likely isn't bi. She is trying to please him. I have a better time with my hand than those nights. I am very unlikely to agree to doing this. Well....unless my Master tells me I must...but he finds these scenarios off putting too.

My cynical take is you need to just stfu about it and if you truly support her exploring that side of her fantasies, let her take the lead and go with it where she will. If you get invited into things later on, lucky boy.

 

[Reba67]

Just because she has made comments about making out with a woman, doesn't mean she has a bi side. And a 3 way is NOT the same as being bi curious.