Getting rid of "as"

[gordo12]

I continually find myself using sentences with the word as

AS they......
as he......

etc etc etc

Just checked a story and the first 900 words contained 21 "as" usages. At that rate the 9000 words will have around 200 instances. That seems like wayyy tooo much.

Trouble is it seems that as you get rid of "as" it changes the sentence and requires a rewrite.

Any tricks or tips as I tear my hair out in frustration

 

[SimonDoom]

I continually find myself using sentences with the word as

AS they......
as he......

etc etc etc

Just checked a story and the first 900 words contained 21 "as" usages. At that rate the 9000 words will have around 200 instances. That seems like wayyy tooo much.

Trouble is it seems that as you get rid of "as" it changes the sentence and requires a rewrite.

Any tricks or tips as I tear my hair out in frustration

You might be able to use "while" as a substitute for "as" in some cases.

Or connect the two clauses with "and" instead of "as."

In other cases, you might be able to get rid of any connecting word and just split the sentence into two sentences.

Example: "I

 

[gordo12]

I've found "while" a worthwhile substitute but seriously I don't need 200 repetitions of it. I've also split the sentence and ended the previous thought with a comma and gone into the next part directly but it changes the context

He was long stroking her as her lust grew higher.

He was long stroking her while her lust grew higher.

He was long stroking her, her lust growing higher.

I think I need an "as" lobotomy!

I'm amazed at how often that word shows up.

 

[NotWise]

I've found "while" a worthwhile substitute but seriously I don't need 200 repetitions of it. I've also split the sentence and ended the previous thought with a comma and gone into the next part directly but it changes the context

He was long stroking her as her lust grew higher.

He was long stroking her while her lust grew higher.

He was long stroking her, her lust growing higher.

I think I need an "as" lobotomy!

I'm amazed at how often that word shows up.

If you recognize that as a problem in your writing then you should be able to find solutions that work for you. Simple substitutions might not be the answer. Getting rid of "as" may require that you restructure your sentences to avoid it or any of its simple substitutions.

 

[latecomer91364]

There are a few ways to limit the 'as' population. I don't like seeing the same word pop up too often. 'While', AS mentioned before, is most worthy. Phrases help dilute the repetition: 'during the tongue lashing I gave Beatrice, Connie crept up and swallowed my cock' (I'm not going for perfect prose here, just examples). or 'in the same moment, I felt a hand on my ass', or 'at the same time, blahblahblah', or 'simultaneously'..., or 'during her furious cocksucking, Tom began licking her asshole', or the ever dangerous 'meanwhile' (as in 'back at the ranch').

You can combine actions this way: 'Together the two girls attacked my body: Jane with her mouth on my dick; Sue with her tongue in my asshole'.

Don't forget the simple comma: 'Barbara sat on my cock, Ted slipped into her from behind, and Stella planted her pussy on my face' - all indicating simultaneous motions. You can make a decent case for using semi-colons here instead of commas. Personally, I find that semi-colons tend to stand out (they feel a little ostentatious to me), so I use them sparingly.

There is another discussion somewhere around here about the semi-colon you should check out. They do work to separate a series of motions, whereas a colon typically indicates a list, or an outcome of events, among other things.

Play around with all the possibilities, read how other writers do it, and lift their methods freely.

Hope that helps.

 

[gordo12]

If you recognize that as a problem in your writing then you should be able to find solutions that work for you. Simple substitutions might not be the answer. Getting rid of "as" may require that you restructure your sentences to avoid it or any of its simple substitutions.

It seems to be one of the default ways my mind constructs sentences. I was editing a 48k story this am so you can imagine the frustration level by the time I finished.

 

[gordo12]

There are a few ways to limit the 'as' population. I don't like seeing the same word pop up too often. 'While', AS mentioned before, is most worthy. Phrases help dilute the repetition: 'during the tongue lashing I gave Beatrice, Connie crept up and swallowed my cock' (I'm not going for perfect prose here, just examples). or 'in the same moment, I felt a hand on my ass', or 'at the same time, blahblahblah', or 'simultaneously'..., or 'during her furious cocksucking, Tom began licking her asshole', or the ever dangerous 'meanwhile' (as in 'back at the ranch').

You can combine actions this way: 'Together the two girls attacked my body: Jane with her mouth on my dick; Sue with her tongue in my asshole'.

Don't forget the simple comma: 'Barbara sat on my cock, Ted slipped into her from behind, and Stella planted her pussy on my face' - all indicating simultaneous motions. You can make a decent case for using semi-colons here instead of commas. Personally, I find that semi-colons tend to stand out (they feel a little ostentatious to me), so I use them sparingly.

There is another discussion somewhere around here about the semi-colon you should check out. They do work to separate a series of motions, whereas a colon typically indicates a list, or an outcome of events, among other things.

Play around with all the possibilities, read how other writers do it, and lift their methods freely.

Hope that helps.

Thanks, some very workable suggestions there.

 

[gordo12]

Ok edited the first 1,255 words with some of those ideas and managed to get it down to 6 occurrences.

I think my mistake is focusing too much on "action happening as other action happens" mentality rather than describing the resultant scene.

Instead of "he pulled his gun as she pulled her sword"

"Faced with her naked sword he reluctantly pulled his gun" describes the scene while still describing the same action. Words like "as" naturally disappear in that context.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

l try not to use 'as,' 'while,' and limit the ways I use 'and.'

 

[sr71plt]

An overuse problem with "as" is that it can be used both as a preposition and a conjunction. You can cut down use by not using it as a conjunction where you've frequently used it as a preposition, even though that would be grammatically correct.

"He was sent to the end of the line, because he hadn't filled out the paperwork properly"

rather than:

"He was sent to the end of the line, as he hadn't filled out the paperwork properly."

 

[Weird Harold]

I think my mistake is focusing too much on "action happening as other action happens" mentality rather than describing the resultant scene.

One of my mentors called your problem "over-controlling the action." Another accused me of "insulting your readers' intelligence."

Ask yourself whether your readers will be able to intuit the simultaneous action, or if the actions need to be linked at all. The same principle applies to While, Meanwhile, As, and any other similar words.

For me, correcting the "problem" meant changing the way I think about telling a story and refining a sparser, more concise style. You need to consider how eliminating "as" is going to affect your style or the "look and feel" of that particular story. Is the change going to make your storytelling better?

 

[oggbashan]

Knowing your problem leads to the solution.

I have a different bugbear - "then".

I am aware I overuse it so I try to avoid it.

If you know you have a specific overused word or construction you are more than halfway to solving your problem.

One of my friends, writing in English as a second language, used to overuse "turned to speak". His characters were spinning like tops. But as soon as I, asked to edit his work, pointed it out - he could stop himself. He hadn't recognised the frequent use. Once he did? He looked for it and "turned to speak" disappeared except rarely when appropriate.

 

[sbrooks103x]

Ok edited the first 1,255 words with some of those ideas and managed to get it down to 6 occurrences.

I think my mistake is focusing too much on "action happening as other action happens" mentality rather than describing the resultant scene.

Instead of "he pulled his gun as she pulled her sword"

"Faced with her naked sword he reluctantly pulled his gun" describes the scene while still describing the same action. Words like "as" naturally disappear in that context.

Frankly, I simply like the second wording better anyway!

 

[NotWise]

Instead of "he pulled his gun as she pulled her sword"

"Faced with her naked sword he reluctantly pulled his gun" describes the scene while still describing the same action.

A shorter alternative that doesn't add to the description might be:

"He pulled his gun; she pulled her sword."

 

[rjordan]

A shorter alternative that doesn't add to the description might be:

"He pulled his gun; she pulled her sword."

She pulled her sword.
He pulled his gun.

There's a reason why the writer of the original Indiana Jones had the swordsman pull first. It's probably one of the most memorable movie scenes ever.

rj

 

[sr71plt]

I have a different bugbear - "then".

I am aware I overuse it so I try to avoid it.

Mine is "now." I do a lot of weeding of that out in review--now.

 

[sr71plt]

She pulled her sword.
He pulled his gun.

There's a reason why the writer of the original Indiana Jones had the swordsman pull first. It's probably one of the most memorable movie scenes ever.

rj

At Literotica, I'd have the sword pulling done by him--for double entendre purposes. Yes, I know a gun meets the criterion too, but swords usually are longer and being put to the sword sounds sexier to me than being put to the gun.

 

[oggbashan]

She pulled her sword.
He pulled his gun.

There's a reason why the writer of the original Indiana Jones had the swordsman pull first. It's probably one of the most memorable movie scenes ever.

rj

Apparently there's another reason:

Harrison Ford was suffering with Cleopatra's Revenge - upset stomach and the runs. He suggested shooting the swordsman instead of the planned swordfight so he could get back to the toilet quicker.

Once the scene had been shot, the producer/director saw it was much better.

 

[oggbashan]

At Literotica, I'd have the sword pulling done by him--for double entendre purposes. Yes, I know a gun meets the criterion too, but swords usually are longer and being put to the sword sounds sexier to me than being put to the gun.

Sheathing his sword? More sexual imagery.

 

[gordo12]

Frankly, I simply like the second wording better anyway!

Yeah me too. Describing the scene generated by the actions seems to work better than sketching out one action resulting in another.

I like the paragraphs and the flow of the story better.

 

[gordo12]

One of my mentors called your problem "over-controlling the action." Another accused me of "insulting your readers' intelligence."

Ask yourself whether your readers will be able to intuit the simultaneous action, or if the actions need to be linked at all. The same principle applies to While, Meanwhile, As, and any other similar words.

For me, correcting the "problem" meant changing the way I think about telling a story and refining a sparser, more concise style. You need to consider how eliminating "as" is going to affect your style or the "look and feel" of that particular story. Is the change going to make your storytelling better?

LOL over-controlling the action. I think he/she is right about that. Too much of the story is driven by action causes action and ends up needing the now dreaded "as" or other replacements.

But insulting the reader intelligence....with the average reading ability somewhere around 14-15 years old......I guess it would be nasty to question "what intelligence?"

 

[rjordan]

But insulting the reader intelligence....with the average reading ability somewhere around 14-15 years old......I guess it would be nasty to question "what intelligence?"

Pandering to what you think is the reader's level of intelligence is not a good idea. The implied contempt for readers is likely to show through. At best, it's not going to be authentic and many will recognize that. Write for yourself. Readers will either understand and want more or they'll find another writer they connect with.

rj

 

[gordo12]

Pandering to what you think is the reader's level of intelligence is not a good idea. The implied contempt for readers is likely to show through. At best, it's not going to be authentic and many will recognize that. Write for yourself. Readers will either understand and want more or they'll find another writer they connect with.

rj

It wasn't pandering I was thinking about. I spend a lot of time in LW and based on the intelligence of the anon readers there the term "readers intelligence" is an oxymoron. I guess it kind of colours my world

 

[rjordan]

It wasn't pandering I was thinking about. I spend a lot of time in LW and based on the intelligence of the anon readers there the term "readers intelligence" is an oxymoron. I guess it kind of colours my world

That was my point. Your opinion of LW reader intelligence colors your world. It shouldn't affect how you write at all. It's irrelevant to your writing.

As several writers here have pointed out, the majority of intelligent and thoughtful comments in LW often come from Anonymous. That's why we don't block them.

It's the only category I read consistently, and one of only three I read at all. I'd be hard pressed to defend a position that LW readers were any more or any less intelligent than the norm for Literotica or the general population.

rj

 

[latecomer91364]

She pulled her sword.
He pulled his gun.

There's a reason why the writer of the original Indiana Jones had the swordsman pull first. It's probably one of the most memorable movie scenes ever.

rj

What John Ford called 'happy accidents' sort of ocurred in 'Raiders':

Excerpted:

The scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark as shot for the film was dramatically shortened; the original film's script, written by Lawrence Kasdan, intended Indy to fight the swordsman with a lengthy choreography and usage of his whip. However, Harrison Ford along with most of the crew were suffering from dysentery. Ford then suggested they "just shoot the sucker". Steven Spielberg agreed, resulting in the biggest laugh of the film and one of its most memorable sequences.[1]