I have a question. I'm 20 years old, about to hit the big 21, and i've met an absolutely AMAZING girl. She fits me perfectly, we think alike (so we understand where each other comes from), we enjoy many of the same things, and we just have a BLAST together...but here's the thing. The past 3 serious relationships I've had I've been screwed over and basically broken up for another guy. It's killed my self-confidence. This girl i'm with now, we've been together for a month, and the worrying is already starting to happen. I worry about the dumbest things (she doesn't spend a night with me because she wants to hang out with her friends)...I would NEVER in a million years ever do something stupid like, "I don't want you to hang out with friends, I want you to be totally happy with just me" because that's definitely not a key to a healthy relationship. I know you have to balance friends/sig other...and i'm all for that. I've been in the type of relationship where you lose contact with most of your close friends, and it totally sucks. But the thing is...I just need so much attention, that if she's not thinking about me, doing something for me, or talking/hanging around with me at any given moment, I feel like her feelings might have changed and she doesn't want to be with me anymore, and so I get jealous of anyone she's hanging out with. I totally understand that these are dumb worries that have no basis whatsoever, but I have no clue how to get over there. Anyone else ever had to deal with an insane amount of worrying/jealousy type issues?
Getting over petty jealousy...
- Thread starter drovkin
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Bobmi357
Knit one, Perl two...
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First off relax and take a deep breath....
Then say to yourself 10 times "She can't be with me 24hours a day 365 days a year for the rest of our lives"
Now, really really think about what that statement means. It just can't happen no matter how much you'd like it to be true.
For her sake I'd sit her down and explain exactly and in no uncertain terms how you messed up your prior relationships (and yes, you did mess them up), then tell her to give you a swift kick in the pants whenever she feels you're getting too jealous.
A girl, or a guy likes a little jealousy now and then if for no other reason than it re-enforces the fact that your SO really does love you. Until the day arrives when you can climb into the brain of your SO and feel their emotions, you have to rely (like the rest of us) on what they say and do.
Jealousy like how you describe it can be a serious problem to any relationship. It reflects a poor self image. Everyone looks at their mate at one time or another and asks themselves "What in the world do they see in me?", and we all harbor doubts from time to time.
What you need to learn is what and how you perceive yourself isn't how others perceive you. A little bit of counseling now, while you are young will help you understand yourself better, and help keep your relationship on an even keel. Counseling doesn't mean you're crazy, its just a way of exploring and understanding your feelings and helping you to recognize and come to grips with them. You can either go to a full blown professional counselor, or try some of the local churches in your area, they usually offer similar services (albeit with a religious bend).
If you do decide to seek counseling, tell your girlfriend that you are, and why. If she's mature enough, she'll understand and be supportive about it. Be realistic, feelings like this won't go away over night, or with one visit to a counselor. It may take quite a while before you even find the right person to help you. That you even recognize the problem and want to remedy it is a big step in the process of fixing it.
In the meantime, it IS ok that your girlfriend wants to spend a night out with her friends, or wants to go to that school reunion alone, or wants to visit her grandma in another city etc.... That doesn't mean she's boffing her brains out with someone she picked up at a bar.
Its ok to ask what she has planned, after all, while you might never mean her any harm, there is a world filled with whackos out there. But don't freak out if the plans change on the spur of the moment. People do change their minds. The club they planned on going to might have had too long a line, so they picked another club, or a flat tire happened etc... Try to relax and TRUST her, she's not going to do something to hurt you, or herself for that matter. You cannot have a relationship with trust. Even the subs that post here would not willingly submit to a dom they didn't trust.
Another thing you can do. Plan your time so that when she's out with the girls, you're out with the boys. And remember, she expects that you'll behave yourself when your out as well. This way you'll be too busy having fun yourself to spend it all thinking about what she's doing while she's out. Go to a movie, go to a ballgame, go to a bar with your friends, take a weekend off and go hunting and camping with the boys etc. Give her some space and take some for yourself.
Jealousy doesn't have to be a relationship killer, but it often is because one person in the relationship is insecure about the others feelings. You've recognized the problem. Now take charge of it and take steps to fix it.
Then say to yourself 10 times "She can't be with me 24hours a day 365 days a year for the rest of our lives"
Now, really really think about what that statement means. It just can't happen no matter how much you'd like it to be true.
For her sake I'd sit her down and explain exactly and in no uncertain terms how you messed up your prior relationships (and yes, you did mess them up), then tell her to give you a swift kick in the pants whenever she feels you're getting too jealous.
A girl, or a guy likes a little jealousy now and then if for no other reason than it re-enforces the fact that your SO really does love you. Until the day arrives when you can climb into the brain of your SO and feel their emotions, you have to rely (like the rest of us) on what they say and do.
Jealousy like how you describe it can be a serious problem to any relationship. It reflects a poor self image. Everyone looks at their mate at one time or another and asks themselves "What in the world do they see in me?", and we all harbor doubts from time to time.
What you need to learn is what and how you perceive yourself isn't how others perceive you. A little bit of counseling now, while you are young will help you understand yourself better, and help keep your relationship on an even keel. Counseling doesn't mean you're crazy, its just a way of exploring and understanding your feelings and helping you to recognize and come to grips with them. You can either go to a full blown professional counselor, or try some of the local churches in your area, they usually offer similar services (albeit with a religious bend).
If you do decide to seek counseling, tell your girlfriend that you are, and why. If she's mature enough, she'll understand and be supportive about it. Be realistic, feelings like this won't go away over night, or with one visit to a counselor. It may take quite a while before you even find the right person to help you. That you even recognize the problem and want to remedy it is a big step in the process of fixing it.
In the meantime, it IS ok that your girlfriend wants to spend a night out with her friends, or wants to go to that school reunion alone, or wants to visit her grandma in another city etc.... That doesn't mean she's boffing her brains out with someone she picked up at a bar.
Its ok to ask what she has planned, after all, while you might never mean her any harm, there is a world filled with whackos out there. But don't freak out if the plans change on the spur of the moment. People do change their minds. The club they planned on going to might have had too long a line, so they picked another club, or a flat tire happened etc... Try to relax and TRUST her, she's not going to do something to hurt you, or herself for that matter. You cannot have a relationship with trust. Even the subs that post here would not willingly submit to a dom they didn't trust.
Another thing you can do. Plan your time so that when she's out with the girls, you're out with the boys. And remember, she expects that you'll behave yourself when your out as well. This way you'll be too busy having fun yourself to spend it all thinking about what she's doing while she's out. Go to a movie, go to a ballgame, go to a bar with your friends, take a weekend off and go hunting and camping with the boys etc. Give her some space and take some for yourself.
Jealousy doesn't have to be a relationship killer, but it often is because one person in the relationship is insecure about the others feelings. You've recognized the problem. Now take charge of it and take steps to fix it.
drovkin said:
No, they are not "dumb worries" and they most certainly do have a basis for being. You placed your trust in other people before and had the relationship end. When this happens quite a bit, one becomes a little more hesitant with each subsequent relationship. And not to pick on your age, but sometimes and for some people, it has a good deal to do with it. (As I've aged, I simply don't get jealous anymore - and I used to be quite bad at it when I was in my early 20s!)
The recommendation for counseling is a good one. Not just to help you over this hurdle, but for future happiness. Hey, I really hope this relationship works out, but if it doesn't or if you two hit some really hard times, it would be nice to understand and know some coping techniques. A counselor can help with this. Also, it might be good to get your girlfriend involved. That way she can see just how affected you are.
That doesn't mean that I feel she should stop going out with her friends just because you might have a problem, no way. But if she understands the root cause and just how deep this runs, she can learn how to develop trust with you and still be her own person. She can help you feel more secure in the relationship - which is truly what jealousy is all about.
Once you begin to feel secure in her feelings for you and in the relationship in general, you will find that jealousy starts to dissipate.
Good luck to both of you!
Hey, I feel your pain, but if you explain to her what's happend to you before and if she understands and wants to be around for a while, you'll have a great relationship. My current boyfriend and I went thru the same issue, except I'm the one who got screwed over by my exes. I felt insecure with our relationship, but he was patient, and he told me all the time that I had nothing to worry about. Over the last year and a half we have grown together and I've learned to trust again. Sure ther are time that you feel that old pain, but little by little it goes away. And if she wants to be patient and pursue something "long-term" (is that something you want?) then it will work out, and if it doesn't,,,,,,it wont kill ya!!! You'll live and move on, I know that's hard(trust me), but it WILL happen.
I'm not sure if you are both planning on a long-term romance here...if you aren't, please disregard my advice. But if this is something that you both believe might last for a very long time, this might help. My response might be a bit unorthodox, but here goes:
My man struggled with the same thing for quite a while. It got to a point where he was jealous of everything and everyone around me. He was afraid of everything, because he had trusted wholeheartedly before, and she had taken that trust and shattered it...to the tune of fucking eight different guys in as many months. The worst part was that he didn't find out about it until she left him. Imagine trusting with all your heart, and then being thrown THAT kind of betrayal.
So the fact is, he didn't trust me. It wasn't because I had done anything wrong. It was simply because no one else had ever done anything RIGHT when it came to a relationship with him. I recognized that in order to make us work, I had to be willing to make up for those places where the others had fallen short.
What got us through it was a lot of effort on both our parts. I gave constant reassurance. CONSTANT. He could contact me at any time, day or night, and ask me anything he wanted. I gave him free and open communication. He had phone numbers of my closest friends, access to my email accounts, and he reserved the right to my full attention. And yes...that meant that if I was out at a club, and he called me, hoping that I would come home? I did. I made the choice that making him secure was more important than the friends I was hanging out with, and they all understood.
The flip-side was that if I gave him that kind of undivided attention, he had to give the same to me.
It might sound rather unorthodox, but it worked for us. After only a few weeks of realizing that, hey...I WAS where I said I would be, he WAS very important in my life, and I WOULD be there for him when he needed it, no matter how petty the reason was...once he realized all that, the trust kicked in, and we never looked back.
We still have that wide-open communication, though we don't have to use it any longer. We call each other anytime we want to. He always has my schedule, and I always have his. We now have a rock-solid trust. He knows without a doubt that I am utterly faithful. I know without a doubt that he loves me, trusts me, and is faithful to me as well. But if we ever feel that twinge of old memory coming back, we know that we can lean on one another to soothe it away.
Just telling you to 'trust her' doesn't mean a thing if she's not willing to go the extra mile. If you are important enough to her, she will go out of her way to make you feel more secure. If she balks, then perhaps you should reconsider the relationship.
There are those who will say that 'full disclosure' is not necessary in a relationship...but in a relationship where trust is a serious issue, I would say that yes, full disclosure is not only necessary, it is something that should be demanded. My man was hurt, badly, by every woman who crossed his path. It was up to me to prove that not all women were like that. Was I being punished for the sins of others? No. I was gaining an incredible man who deserved all the best, and I was determined to give it to him.
I have never once regretted letting him so deeply into my life. We now have a foundation that amazes even me with its strength.
I hope you and your girlfriend can find the same.
S.
My man struggled with the same thing for quite a while. It got to a point where he was jealous of everything and everyone around me. He was afraid of everything, because he had trusted wholeheartedly before, and she had taken that trust and shattered it...to the tune of fucking eight different guys in as many months. The worst part was that he didn't find out about it until she left him. Imagine trusting with all your heart, and then being thrown THAT kind of betrayal.
So the fact is, he didn't trust me. It wasn't because I had done anything wrong. It was simply because no one else had ever done anything RIGHT when it came to a relationship with him. I recognized that in order to make us work, I had to be willing to make up for those places where the others had fallen short.
What got us through it was a lot of effort on both our parts. I gave constant reassurance. CONSTANT. He could contact me at any time, day or night, and ask me anything he wanted. I gave him free and open communication. He had phone numbers of my closest friends, access to my email accounts, and he reserved the right to my full attention. And yes...that meant that if I was out at a club, and he called me, hoping that I would come home? I did. I made the choice that making him secure was more important than the friends I was hanging out with, and they all understood.
The flip-side was that if I gave him that kind of undivided attention, he had to give the same to me.
It might sound rather unorthodox, but it worked for us. After only a few weeks of realizing that, hey...I WAS where I said I would be, he WAS very important in my life, and I WOULD be there for him when he needed it, no matter how petty the reason was...once he realized all that, the trust kicked in, and we never looked back.
We still have that wide-open communication, though we don't have to use it any longer. We call each other anytime we want to. He always has my schedule, and I always have his. We now have a rock-solid trust. He knows without a doubt that I am utterly faithful. I know without a doubt that he loves me, trusts me, and is faithful to me as well. But if we ever feel that twinge of old memory coming back, we know that we can lean on one another to soothe it away.
Just telling you to 'trust her' doesn't mean a thing if she's not willing to go the extra mile. If you are important enough to her, she will go out of her way to make you feel more secure. If she balks, then perhaps you should reconsider the relationship.
There are those who will say that 'full disclosure' is not necessary in a relationship...but in a relationship where trust is a serious issue, I would say that yes, full disclosure is not only necessary, it is something that should be demanded. My man was hurt, badly, by every woman who crossed his path. It was up to me to prove that not all women were like that. Was I being punished for the sins of others? No. I was gaining an incredible man who deserved all the best, and I was determined to give it to him.
I have never once regretted letting him so deeply into my life. We now have a foundation that amazes even me with its strength.
I hope you and your girlfriend can find the same.
S.
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