NCincestlover
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Getting my ex back
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Julietravels
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You wanted an open relationship, but now you decide to be jealous? Honestly, I don't get it. You say you are both in love and still have sex. Back from what?
NCincestlover
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GrrlFriday
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'Throwing it in your face', or sharing a profound experience with her lover (you)?
Realistically, it's going to be hard to put the genie back into the bottle. How do you feel about what's happening? What do you want to change in your relationship? What is in your power to change? Before you two embarked on this, did you discuss jealousy? If so, what did you decide then?
NCincestlover
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SkAoUt
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Its like closing the barn doors after the horses have trotted off.
You're just going to have to live with the consequences, unpalatable as they may be.
Or just change your thinking about the cuck situation (while keeping her informed of your changing viewpoint) and go with your subby role. It might work if you can let go of you ego and do some self introspection.
You're just going to have to live with the consequences, unpalatable as they may be.
Or just change your thinking about the cuck situation (while keeping her informed of your changing viewpoint) and go with your subby role. It might work if you can let go of you ego and do some self introspection.
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GrrlFriday
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Would you have preferred that she only talks to him when they're alone together? Cold comfort though it may be, if they talk in front of you, they're showing that they're comfortable with you being part of the picture.
Some guys practicing cuckoldry would even prefer that their partner and their partner's lover can talk in front of them, because it adds to their thrill.
Can you think about being jealous now? You weren't jealous before, with the regular couple. What's different between swapping with them, and your ex having a daddy? Did you tell her that you felt left out, wishing she'd make a little more time for you? Have you tried reading books on swinging and polyamory? (The Ethical Slut, etc.)
You can't change what's been said and done already. You don't have power over her, and you don't have power over her daddy. You have power over yourself. You can change what you're going to say, and how you act - and eventually, how you feel about things, too.
NCincestlover
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IntmtStrngr
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Yes...
Yes, you are being VERY, VERY stupid... as well as wasting precious time.
Yes, you are being VERY, VERY stupid... as well as wasting precious time.
Acktion
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I'm probably showing my ignorance here, but there are a couple of things I just don't get.
1) I really don't understand the reference to "daddy". I take it it's not her father, but I don't really see the significance or why the term was mentioned repeatedly. I'm guessing that it's "lover" but with some other connotation that I'm missing out on. Then again, my eldest grandson had to explain to me that "hook up" wasn't just a boating term anymore after he almost fell over board when I told him to "hook up with that bouy".
Makes me wonder if "off the hook" has changed as well.
2) Jealousy is usually a symptom of "ownership". Sort of pissing on a fence post to let everybody else know this is my yard. Generally, polyamory is explored by one of two types of people. a) They "want some strange" and arrange it by setting up their partner with someone else. Or b) They have a truly loving relationship that wants both partners to be happy, even when that means being with someone else. Based on the feelings you describe I'm wondering if it's a little more a than b.
3) Exes are usually because of a good reason. One that tends to get glossed over by a little distance and "losing them". Or as one (rather "biblical") friend put it, "Honey, there was only one perfect man and that ain't him." If something didn't work out the first time, it probably won't work out the second or third or fourth. Not without some pretty radical changes to one or all members of the relationship, I think. So, why would you want something back that was broken?
Again, I'm probably just a crusty old fart and don't "grok" much of your original post, but thought I'd toss what was confusing me into the party.
1) I really don't understand the reference to "daddy". I take it it's not her father, but I don't really see the significance or why the term was mentioned repeatedly. I'm guessing that it's "lover" but with some other connotation that I'm missing out on. Then again, my eldest grandson had to explain to me that "hook up" wasn't just a boating term anymore after he almost fell over board when I told him to "hook up with that bouy".
Makes me wonder if "off the hook" has changed as well.
2) Jealousy is usually a symptom of "ownership". Sort of pissing on a fence post to let everybody else know this is my yard. Generally, polyamory is explored by one of two types of people. a) They "want some strange" and arrange it by setting up their partner with someone else. Or b) They have a truly loving relationship that wants both partners to be happy, even when that means being with someone else. Based on the feelings you describe I'm wondering if it's a little more a than b.
3) Exes are usually because of a good reason. One that tends to get glossed over by a little distance and "losing them". Or as one (rather "biblical") friend put it, "Honey, there was only one perfect man and that ain't him." If something didn't work out the first time, it probably won't work out the second or third or fourth. Not without some pretty radical changes to one or all members of the relationship, I think. So, why would you want something back that was broken?
Again, I'm probably just a crusty old fart and don't "grok" much of your original post, but thought I'd toss what was confusing me into the party.
NCincestlover
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GiggLeGasm
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Don't be afraid to let her know what isn't working for you. You're so afraid that she'll leave if you tell her that the relationship with this other guy can't be part of the deal.. but the key to having this open relationship is a level of trust and respect that appears questionable.
I've found that the quickest way to the answer in situations like this is to cut the other person loose. The other person will let you know, one way or the other, what he or she is really willing to work toward.
If you keep letting her hang her hat at your place, you're not a boyfriend. You're a hat rack.
that being said.. it sounds like it kind of sucks for you. I'm sorry.
I've found that the quickest way to the answer in situations like this is to cut the other person loose. The other person will let you know, one way or the other, what he or she is really willing to work toward.
If you keep letting her hang her hat at your place, you're not a boyfriend. You're a hat rack.
that being said.. it sounds like it kind of sucks for you. I'm sorry.
NCincestlover
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GiggLeGasm
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good for you.. for having the strength to communicate your heart.
Primalex
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Something doesn't make sense, if the other guy is married, how can he want her to move in with him? Is he proposing to leave his wife and family(?) to live with her?
To be honest, you two both have really fucked up, because any kind of open relationship requires among other things, honesty, and also respect for each others feelings. Assuming she really loves you (more on that in a bit), if she sees you are not happy, in pain, saying "well, you wanted this' is bullshit, because with any kind of alt relationship if there is love and respect than feelings need to be taken into account and realized. If her being with this other guy was supposed to be a kind of sex game thing, cuckold play, but it has turned into her being emotionally connected to him, then she has changed the rules unilaterally, because now she seems to want some sort of poly relationship, without thinking maybe, just maybe, you can't go there (sex play with an outside partner is not necessarily poly).
I am glad you spoke up and you guys really need to talk and lay it on the table.You are kind of making your own bed and causing your own issues, because if you have problems with her being emotionally attached to the other guy, then IMO it is kind of idiotic to say "I am okay with you sleeping with him", because it is obvious it isn't just sex to her, and telling her that is kind of akin to telling someone who is alcoholic that you don't mind if they have a drink, but you mind them getting drunk. If the problem is her having feelings for this guy, getting emotionally involved, or you feel like she loves him and is using you, then you should basically be telling her that she has choices to make, that you cannot deal with her with another guy where she has fallen in love.
I know I am only hearing your side of the story, but from what you wrote it sounds like it is more like she wants to have the other guy, have a relationship with him, and you are more the fuck buddy who provides a place to stay, security, whatever, you provide those needs but then she can go and be with the other guy and know she always has a home base.
No, the power is not with her, it is with yourself, pure and simple. Other posters have said that you agreed to this and now she has the right to do as she wishes, but I don't agree. If two people are in a relationship, it is a two way street, and neither side has the right to unilaterally decide what the other person should do.
She has no right to expect that you will stay with her if her getting emotionally tangled with the other guy upsets you, whatever your deal was before, it doesn't matter, you were okay with her having sex with the guy as a game but now feel like she has left you behind (that is not poly, that is her using you IMO, if that in fact is what went on).
If she truly loves this other guy, then she has to make decisions, if you tell her I love you, but I cannot share you emotionally with another man, she has no right to claim that you are breaking the deal, you aren't; more importantly, unless I have been living under a rock, with open relationships most of the people I know who do it put their primary relationship first, and if being in an open relationship bothers either party, they stop because it means something. Saying "hey, you agreed to an open relationship" is a cop out, because if the primary relationship is important to her, and you are expressing the fact you can't handle it, then either she breaks it off to keep your relationship going, or she says "I need an open relationship, I can't go back to being with you like that", at which time then she has made her decision and you guys need to break up, because a relationship where she is getting what she wants and you are miserable is not a relationship, it isn't poly, it is her having what she wants and you being the occassional fuck buddy/roomate who allows her to have the other guy as her 'partner' or whatever, and that is bullshit.
It sounds to me like it is time you talk to her and put the cards on the table, and tell her how you feel and that either you guys be the primary couple where maybe you will swing, or that the charade of your relationship ends, she can be free to chase daddy, live with him, whatever, but you guys are done. If you guys really love each other, then she has to stop being so selfish and realize you have a right to a real relationship, and you need to understand that you have enabled her to do what she has been doing, that if she has been acting selfishly (or you feel she has), that you have allowed it to drag on and on, you need to send clear signals of what you can deal with and can't..and I would again strongly recommend not telling her "it is okay if you want to fuck this guy", it isn't going to work, you need to basically tell her she has the choice between you and the other guy, either you are a couple, or they are a couple, but you can't share her in a poly, especially not one where you are the short leg out.
To be honest, you two both have really fucked up, because any kind of open relationship requires among other things, honesty, and also respect for each others feelings. Assuming she really loves you (more on that in a bit), if she sees you are not happy, in pain, saying "well, you wanted this' is bullshit, because with any kind of alt relationship if there is love and respect than feelings need to be taken into account and realized. If her being with this other guy was supposed to be a kind of sex game thing, cuckold play, but it has turned into her being emotionally connected to him, then she has changed the rules unilaterally, because now she seems to want some sort of poly relationship, without thinking maybe, just maybe, you can't go there (sex play with an outside partner is not necessarily poly).
I am glad you spoke up and you guys really need to talk and lay it on the table.You are kind of making your own bed and causing your own issues, because if you have problems with her being emotionally attached to the other guy, then IMO it is kind of idiotic to say "I am okay with you sleeping with him", because it is obvious it isn't just sex to her, and telling her that is kind of akin to telling someone who is alcoholic that you don't mind if they have a drink, but you mind them getting drunk. If the problem is her having feelings for this guy, getting emotionally involved, or you feel like she loves him and is using you, then you should basically be telling her that she has choices to make, that you cannot deal with her with another guy where she has fallen in love.
I know I am only hearing your side of the story, but from what you wrote it sounds like it is more like she wants to have the other guy, have a relationship with him, and you are more the fuck buddy who provides a place to stay, security, whatever, you provide those needs but then she can go and be with the other guy and know she always has a home base.
No, the power is not with her, it is with yourself, pure and simple. Other posters have said that you agreed to this and now she has the right to do as she wishes, but I don't agree. If two people are in a relationship, it is a two way street, and neither side has the right to unilaterally decide what the other person should do.
She has no right to expect that you will stay with her if her getting emotionally tangled with the other guy upsets you, whatever your deal was before, it doesn't matter, you were okay with her having sex with the guy as a game but now feel like she has left you behind (that is not poly, that is her using you IMO, if that in fact is what went on).
If she truly loves this other guy, then she has to make decisions, if you tell her I love you, but I cannot share you emotionally with another man, she has no right to claim that you are breaking the deal, you aren't; more importantly, unless I have been living under a rock, with open relationships most of the people I know who do it put their primary relationship first, and if being in an open relationship bothers either party, they stop because it means something. Saying "hey, you agreed to an open relationship" is a cop out, because if the primary relationship is important to her, and you are expressing the fact you can't handle it, then either she breaks it off to keep your relationship going, or she says "I need an open relationship, I can't go back to being with you like that", at which time then she has made her decision and you guys need to break up, because a relationship where she is getting what she wants and you are miserable is not a relationship, it isn't poly, it is her having what she wants and you being the occassional fuck buddy/roomate who allows her to have the other guy as her 'partner' or whatever, and that is bullshit.
It sounds to me like it is time you talk to her and put the cards on the table, and tell her how you feel and that either you guys be the primary couple where maybe you will swing, or that the charade of your relationship ends, she can be free to chase daddy, live with him, whatever, but you guys are done. If you guys really love each other, then she has to stop being so selfish and realize you have a right to a real relationship, and you need to understand that you have enabled her to do what she has been doing, that if she has been acting selfishly (or you feel she has), that you have allowed it to drag on and on, you need to send clear signals of what you can deal with and can't..and I would again strongly recommend not telling her "it is okay if you want to fuck this guy", it isn't going to work, you need to basically tell her she has the choice between you and the other guy, either you are a couple, or they are a couple, but you can't share her in a poly, especially not one where you are the short leg out.
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NCincestlover
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GrrlFriday
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There will be other opportunities for you to leave. Can you get in contact with your friends?
NCincestlover
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subwannabe
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You let the Genie out of the bottle and it is never going to go back in. You have changed your mind about what kind of a relationship you want, since living it firsthand. Both you and her are never going to be happy together again, no matter how much you want it to. Your best bet is to move on and not make the same mistake again. Trying to make her jealous might work in the short term but it is not going to fix the Genie long term. Getting back together only means you will be having the same problems two years from now all over again.
NCincestlover
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CutieMouse
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Way to treat the new person with dignity and respect. Does she know you're using her, hoping it will make your ex jealous?
NCincestlover
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NCincestlover
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prostatecurious
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Getting the ex back usually involves fucking his or her best friend... ultimately it's not worth it... just move on.
