getting involved in a physical only relationship?

[Diablogrl]

What are people's thoughts about getting into a sex-only relationship? I find I typically get my heart broken but always learn some useful stuff along the way.

 

[ub6ibfine]

well from what i understand a sex only relationship
is for sex only. if your a type of person who can only
share experinces with sharing emotions being fuck
buddies really isnt a option. just my opinion.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

this one is a matter of personal opinion. I can handle a physical relationship dependent on what else is going on in my life. Before I met my current boyfriend, I was very content with a physical only relationship and was actually looking forward to a relationship like that with my boy (things didnt work quite that way since he turned out to be a sweetheart and won me over).

it just depends on what you think, feel, and want at the time that it's happening.

 

[ronde]

"Relationship" implies multiple meetings, and I can't believe anyone could be cold enough to ever make that work. Some feelings by one or both partners would evolve, and the relationship would either become more than sex-only, or would end with pain for at least one.

 

[Diablogrl]

I think I'm a hopeless romantic...I have a hard time imagining giving myself physically without some feeling attach. I fall easy, and hard. I was just curious if this is a just me problem.

 

[Ezzie]

I tried it once. I ended up falling for the guy, he moved away, I felt heartbroken and can't speak to him to this day. I knew he was moving a few months after our "friends with benefits relationship" began but, that didn't stop me from becoming more and more attached to him. I know it was my fault for liking him more than I should have, but, that's the woman in me.

Thankfully I met another man, fell in love and got married to him all in 2 months time. I'm happier than I've ever been. Maybe that's the newlywed in me ... it keeps me going, though.

Had I not gotten married, I don't think I could get into another sex only relationship. I tried, I made an ass out of myself but, I did learn that I need more than just sex. I guess I just fall in love too easily.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I've had a few fuck buddies. Some have ended well, some have not. Most of the time, the guy ends up falling for me (I'm not being conceited here, I'm being honest) and there ends up being trouble.

Meh, do what you like.

 

[tom_novak]

I think it has a lot to do with the two people. I have a fuck buddy at the moment, although it's phone sex only. We understand the other's needs and it helps sometimes to not have to deal with emotion. In person it would probably be more complicated.

That's my two cents, anyway.

 

[Weird Harold]

What are people's thoughts about getting into a sex-only relationship? I find I typically get my heart broken but always learn some useful stuff along the way.

For me, a "physical only" relationship is an impossibility. I've had a few one-night-stands over the years, but I can't imagine any long-term relationship that didn't involve an emotional commitment.

 

[LadyOfTheMist]

My two cents

I think it really depends upon the people involved and their mind set. I don't think people who have physical only relationships are cold or heartless, I don't think its fair to assume that. People chose to have them for a variety of reasons and should not be judged for that.

I have had them at different times, I have been married and I have had boyfriends. Its greatly depended upon where I have been at each time in my life. Last one was after a breakup in which I had relocated to be with someone and after a few years things just were not working. I didn't want to be involved with someone on an emotional level until I had given myself time to sort out my feelings and begin to heal myself. I felt that being involved with someone new, at that point, wouldn't be fair to them as the previous relationship had been a tramatic one. That didn't mean that I didn't want the companionship or physical presense of someone. I didn't get attached and neither did he, other than being a sort of friends. I mean you do get to know each other but that doesn't mean that you have to, need to, or even should be in love with this person. A lot of people that I know go from relationship to relationship and don't ever give themselves time to deal with their issues or the issues of the last relationship. Trust me, this is not a good thing.

The best advice I ever got was from a friend who told me after a breakup to take two years, don't date, just have fun and deal with you. After that time you will be back on your feet and have a better idea of what you really want and need. I didn't listen at that point, but boy did I this last time. I took a year just to me. (Ok, so I didn't take that full two years but is it my fault Mr Wonderful appeared?)

Some people can deal with just the physical and some can't, theres no shame in either case people. As long as you are being honest and not misleading or harming someone then do what you will. (I believe the true Wiccan saying is something like "As it harm none, do as you will." And I am betting someone out there knows what I am talking about

Live, love, laugh....and be happy.

Lady

 

[Freya]

I am involved in a physical only relationship at the moment. The downfall of this is that it's sporadic at best....but that could be solved by settting fuck dates.

This guy is one of those ones who gets drunk and his true emotions emerge...so at first it was difficult because he'd drink and then talk about getting more serious. After I figured out that it was drunk talk, I basically had to tell him to STFU if he started in on that.

We had long talks on what was going to be involved in this...it is a friendship with benefits. He actually seemed to have more issues with the whole friendship part than I did, but again we talked about it and it's working now. I think that (at least for me) there has to be a certain amount of feeling involved...I mean, I most certainly am not in love with him and am realisitic enough to know that he'd be a bloody disaster as anything more than he is. But we have a high level of trust, and there is a certain passion between us...which makes for incredible sex. Beyond that, we rarely see each other...whcih works well for me and him. We never talk on the phone or any of that stuff....we just see each other here and there and fuck. But like I said, it has to be more than just casual for me to enjoy the sex...so there is a certain amount of feeling involved...and I think that is on both sides.

I think these things can work...but many times more serious feelings do get involved. And if that happens on the other person's part, then you need to make a decision to cut and run, or work through it. If it's on your part, you need to decide whether you can handle having a fuck buddy relationship with someone you care about more deeply....and must know and accept that the chances are it will never develop into something more. My advice...pick a person who is good in bed, but would be a terrible love partner....it helps to keep things clarified in your mind.

 

[GlovelySave]

Well not to disagree with Freya..... but in my experience and those of my close friends it never works out for long. Sex has a funny side effect and that is feelings are formed. Its a very good bi-product if its two loving consenting adults, but if one forms feeling and the other doesnt it almost always ends up in pain. Putting some one else through pain is really a bad feeling as the Bare Naked Ladies sing "No I didnt mean to break your heartttttttttttttttttttttttttt"

 

[lilpriss]

I've just emerged from a long term relationship and it would be GREAT if there was a fuck buddy close by.
I am not ready for the whole thing again yet. And why pretend that I am? However, I'm not one to just walk up to the man of the hour and say "hey? wanna fuck?" either...

There are lots of nights when me and my trusty fingers stay quite busy, because of my needs. But hey, whatever works.

I had a fuck buddy that I got incredibly attached to when I was younger... it was not a good feeling when it ended.

SO there is good and bad to it...

I don't condemn or condone.

 

[Freya]

I totally agree with you GlovelySave....I do think that at all times some feelings will develop. It's all a matter of how and if you can deal with those feelings. In my case, there are feelings I think...not love by any means, but caring and trust. If he weren't such a sheltered man, and I wasn't such a sheltered woman, and we both weren't so damn scared of being involved it could have - at one time - possibly turned into more. But at this point, although I do truly think he has feelings for me, he manages ot bury them....and as for me, well I like him as a friend, I find him incredibly sexy, funny and interesting, but I have no urge to make it more than what it is.

 

[Lust Engine]

There are times I wish I could get into a "Fuck Only" relationship. While on a very primal scale it sounds so wonderfully satisfying, I guess I just can't bring myself to that yet. I know I'm one of those hopeless guys that believes great sex starts in the mind & then works its way out to the extremities (and delicious they may be too!)

There are times when I do yearn for a physical only relationship. Having never done it, I can only imagine the strings free having-to-make-breakfast-the-morning-after effect. No need to cuddle afterwards. There wouldn't be anything emotionally awkward I guess but then I think the emotional aspects of being vulnerable and in love (or at least, deep lust) makes things that much more intense.

 

[Freya]

Ahh but again, this is where I get the best of both worlds. This is not a scenario where we fuck and get up and leave. It's usually a sleep over (therefore more sex during the night and in the morning) and this man is a great cuddler...so I get warm arms around me all night.....which is one of the things I miss most about having a relationship. It's a very affectionate physical relationship, if that makes any sense.

 

[Lust Engine]

Ahh but again, this is where I get the best of both worlds. This is not a scenario where we fuck and get up and leave. It's usually a sleep over (therefore more sex during the night and in the morning) and this man is a great cuddler...so I get warm arms around me all night.....which is one of the things I miss most about having a relationship. It's a very affectionate physical relationship, if that makes any sense.

Sounds as though you've got things worked out pretty well there! Kudos to you!

 

[plzur her]

Fuck Buddies

Unfortunately or fortunately I think we all experience a fuck buddy relationship more times than we realize. The biggest problem is at least one party ends up falling in love and the sex part succumbs to a relationship which isnt what one wants and the the whole thing ends badly. I dated a gal for a year that all we had was the most incredible erotic fantasy filled sex I could ever imagine.. After a year, she started to get deep feelings and didnt want to take it further. One last night she played a role of a extremely dominant woman. We had sex all night long. I am sure she orgasmed at least 15 times.. while she got me to I think 5 times. We did it every imaginable way, and in public.. Etc.. The best part for me was she was totally dominant the whole night and I loved that.. It was a night that I remember now vividly 20 yrs later.. The next morning she told me it had to end.. Just like that.. I at that point developed feelings for her, and it really hurt me.. but I went on... but have some awesome memories...!!

I did the same thing a few years later with someone else.. just a sex relationship.. this time I realized she was getting serious and had to end it before I hurt her.. We ended the sex, and she realized she wanted more.. It hit her hard even though it shouldnt have..

If you do it.. BE CAREFULL.. Someone will end up getting hurt in the end ... no matter what!!

 

[Guest]

insightful

I am continually amazed at how insightful the people on Lit are. This not the place a college professor normally hangs out, but as a psychologist and sex educator, I find this place brimming with great ideas.

I teach at a school that is 65% women and the "fuck buddy" issue is always on the table. It rarely works well for long but sometimes it does. I talk about it in class and the discussion gets heated. I think we need to remember that we come from a culture that has always said that we have sex with the most important people in our lives. So, when a "fuck buddy" situation goes on for a while, it is pretty natural to cast it in that framework. Also, there is a natural connection that is build right into great sex. It is our moment of greatest vulnurability and, hence, requires trust building. When we let go and be ourselves sexually, that is a very powerful experience and when the other person is nurturing and supportive and non judgmental, we naturally form at least a little emotional bond. Just like Pavlov, bell-food, only this is person-pleasure. My hypothesis is that sex gets better when the friendship gets stronger and it is a vicious cycle. My students solve the "fuck buddy" delima by having drunken encounters with others. They will often "hook up" with the same person over and over, always drunk. However, the sex is not that great--low level, routine, non experimental. They prevent the -great sex-friendship cycle with liquor and denial.

I can't imagine myself saying "see that woman over there, last night she begged me to cum in her mouth and later she put her dildo up my ass while I licked her pussy, but we are just friends kinda like the friends I play golf with or go fishing with."

I am single and live in the middle of nowhere. I would love to have sex friend, even a phone sex friend. But even on the phone, I would be asking where they are from, what they do for a living, what kind of food they like, how many siblings they have, and on and on. Pretty soon I would have a friend I masturbate with on the phone and.....

what is a lover except a great friend who you have great sex with.

Steve

 

[StevenWill]

Sorry to be so dumb

The last post was mine, "unregistered the idiot." Sorry, Steve

 

[spankableBelle]

i'm sure i could write a huge, indepth comment on this subject...however, i'll be different today and just add that i am not built that way...i need more than just the sex, even if it's good hard fucking sex...i feel empty and used afterwards...i've tried it so i do speak from my own experience...and i'm not built that way...

belle

 

[Freya]

A fuck buddy with no emotion is no different than a one-night stand that lasts longer. You HAVE to have a level of caring with that person...but you have to really watch to make sure it doesn't get out of control. At various times in the last few months, one or the other of us have developed deeper feelings....and I do think they are still brewing under the surface...but we both manage to push them down and keep going as we are. I think because there is relatively no contact between us most of the time.....we hang out in the same group so we see each other at parties and such, but usually end up together at the end of the night.....it helps to curb that need or want for more commitment. But because we do truly care about each other,and because it's not just hump and run afterwards, it allows us to have something very special during our sexual encounters. It helps to know that he is totally uninterested in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with anyone, and I know from being hsi friend exactly how bad he'd be as a boyfriend.....plus we'd probably kill each other were we to try that. So I keep my head clear on the issue...and he does the same...and then when we're together all those pent up emotions emerge as passion and we have terrific sex.

 

[LadyOfTheMist]

Its interesting to see the various points of view by everyone. The Professor made a reference to something that I forgot to add to my post and maybe Freya you could address as well.

Myself, the sex only situations were not as good as the sex was in a relationship. It might be that it was just the experiences that I had or that might just be how I am. Has anyone else had similar or totally different experiences?

Lady

 

[Ezzie]

Its interesting to see the various points of view by everyone. The Professor made a reference to something that I forgot to add to my post and maybe Freya you could address as well.

Myself, the sex only situations were not as good as the sex was in a relationship. It might be that it was just the experiences that I had or that might just be how I am. Has anyone else had similar or totally different experiences?

Lady

To me, the sex only relationships seem meaningless for anything other than just that, sex. I don't know how I managed to fall for the guy that I fell for considering I knew from the beginning that it was to be a sexual relationship only, no strings attached. I tried to become friends with him but, he shooed me away. He was a loner type to begin with. He was sick with schizophrenia and had multiple personality disorder. But, I still tried, nonetheless and to no avail. I'm the type who thinks she can save anyone and I guess I wanted to save myself from the lonlieness I had been suffering from and I wanted to save him from a life without love.

If someone can handle all the stress that comes with a sex only relationship, all the power to them. I'm just not that strong and could never do it again.

 

[Freya]

Its interesting to see the various points of view by everyone. The Professor made a reference to something that I forgot to add to my post and maybe Freya you could address as well.

Myself, the sex only situations were not as good as the sex was in a relationship. It might be that it was just the experiences that I had or that might just be how I am. Has anyone else had similar or totally different experiences?

Lady

Nope I agree, for the most part. Like I said, myabe mine is different because I do think there are feelings involved....just not verbalized. But yeh, most times, it's no different than a one night stand.