Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

[T.H. Oughts]

Here’s the scoop. Yesterday early afternoon my Mother while visiting left $15 (USA $30) on the coffee table for me to do some shopping for her in a few days. I forgot the notes were sitting there until today and when I went to get them they were gone.

I asked my two children after school today if they had seen the money. No they had not, but in the next breath my 8 year old son said he had found $15 in notes on the footpath yesterday after school. He had not told me then about finding it and just put it in his bedroom. He has never had paper notes before, just coins. (It is his usual personality that if he found something like that he would have come running to tell me all excited straight away.)

I asked him this afternoon if he took the $15 from the coffee table as I thought it was too coincidental that he had found $15 the same day some went missing. But he assures me he did not steal the money off the coffee table. He does tell the truth on major things, just occasional white ones like kids do.

The trouble is I’m 99.9% sure he did take it. He has that guilty smile all over his face. I tried saying if he told the truth there would be no punishment, but that did not move him.

So how can I go about getting the truth out of him. He is a very head strong boy. I would like to trust that he did find it on the footpath but my gut says no he took it off the table.

So what can I do to get him to tell the truth????? How should I play this??????

I’m off to get some dinner, I’ll be back soon.

 

[Nobody Special's wife]

I would ask him if he was alone when he found the money also I would leave a little bit of more money out and see if he takes it mark it with paint or something that can't be washed off and see what he says when that happens

 

[KillerMuffin]

That's a tough one. I'm no where near an expert and I am not a model parent.

Lying is one of the worst things our son can do at our house. The worst punishment for it is loss of trust.

But, if you aren't 100% certain, then you have to choose between showing him trust and $15.

You could wait a few hours, maybe until the next day, to give his story details some time to work their way out of his brain, and then sit him down for a talk.

Talk about trust and how important it is and how much you want to be able to trust him. Then explain how his story doesn't really hold water, er work very well. Tell him about integrity and what kind of character a man has. Then how horrible it is to sell your integrity for $15. Then tell him that you want the truth and ask him to tell you the truth. Make sure you're sitting in such a way that he doesn't have reasonable distractions behind you to look at.

You'll know if he's lying.


I'm hoping someone else has a better idea.

 

[StondTmplPilot]

My father busted me once by telling me that he knew I was lying to him because I would crinkle my nose. So when he asked me about something I had lied about, I would try so hard NOT to crinkle my nose that the end result was, I crinkled my nose. Pretty sneaky, but effective... I never lied to him again.

 

[phrodeau]

Originally posted by T.H. Oughts (edited)
(It is his usual personality that if he found something like that he would have come running to tell me all excited straight away.)

I think this is the key. You might ask him whether he was excited to find it, and what kept him from telling you when he did. He may come to realize that his alibi is weak and no match for your investigative skills.

Or if nothing drags the truth from him, bide your time until he next comes running with exciting news, and ask if he's as excited as he was that time when he found $15 in the path. It might be more effective on him to live with the lie for awhile and have it eventually bite him in the ass.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Re: Re: Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

I think this is the key. You might ask him whether he was excited to find it, and what kept him from telling you when he did. .

He said he didn't tell me bout the money because when he has been given paper money as gifts etc i have looked after it and he said he didn't want me to take it away from him.

I would ask him if he was alone when he found the money also I would leave a little bit of more money out and see if he takes it mark it with paint or something that can't be washed off and see what he says when that happens

He was alone when he found the money he said. that's a good idea marking some money, I shall leave it a few days to test him.

he knew I was lying to him because I would crinkle my nose.

Yep, he has a guilty smile and about the only time he blushes, unless I'm teasing him about having a girlfriend or boyfriend.

 

[Gamelover221]

I think I'm truly an oddball this time. Most people have giveaway signs when they are guilty, but for some reason I give the sign when I'm innocent. If someone acuses me of something and I didn't do it, I get the hugest grin on my face and think it's so humerous! The bad news is that other people don't believe me when I say that's my innocent look...

 

[dreamer]

I always advise the direct approach. Tell him exactly what you have told us......OR

You know, I'm REALLY not for head games. I HATE them actually...but in this case hmmm...

Guilt may be your best bet. Make a point of commenting on how stealing hurts other people. Maybe a story from work told to a third party while he is in earshot about someone who was fired for taking pens.

If you've confronted him face to face and he's lying outright you'll have to just hope that he feels bad enough about it that in the future he'll know better.

I am one of the most ethically driven people I know. I quit my last job over it. I obsess about it...well I obsess about everything..heh. I also tend to judge others a little too heavily...something I am working on.

BUT to this day I feel horrible about taking chocolate chips from a bag at my grandparents when I was 10. Even though I came clean about it in High School...it bothered me THAT much...and it still does.

I remember my mom asking me if I had been into them because they hadn't been opened and my grandma was worried about mice. I lied right to her face...arrgh still makes me feel horrible.

That was the first, last and only thing I've ever taken that wasn't mine.

Good luck.

 

[kiwiwolf]

TH ring me. I have had a brain fart that might just work. It works for me with my evil little ankle biters.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

He said he didn't tell me bout the money because when he has been given paper money as gifts etc i have looked after it and he said he didn't want me to take it away from him.

He was alone when he found the money he said. that's a good idea marking some money, I shall leave it a few days to test him.

Yep, he has a guilty smile and about the only time he blushes, unless I'm teasing him about having a girlfriend or boyfriend.

This is a tough one, but I have another suggestion. The marking of money is a good one too, but you might consider this. Promise him something, and then don't deliver. When he/she asks about it, tell him you lied. Then ask him/her how if feels to be lied to. Could work, worked with my son.

Moon

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Guilt may be your best bet. Make a point of commenting on how stealing hurts other people. Maybe a story from work told to a third party while he is in earshot about someone who was fired for taking pens.

I always explain why they can't go to the shop by themselves or why they can't walk to school by themselves. I have always hated a blunt "no" from a parent. We have had many talks about trust over the years etc.

I've already told him that he can not buy a book he was going to on Friday as I now have to pay for his Grandmothers things I was going to buy and because I am $15 short from my pocket I can not afford to buy him the book anymore (ok I lied, lol) ..... he offered to pay for the book with his $15.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

Promise him something, and then don't deliver. When he/she asks about it, tell him you lied. Then ask him/her how if feels to be lied to. Could work, worked with my son.

Maybe that then gives him permission to lie to me later to try and trick me?????



KiwiWolf, I'll ring when the child in question is in bed soon.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

KiwiWolf, I'll ring when the child in question is in bed soon.

I'll be here. I'm just sorting and catalogueing my toenail collection.

 

[dreamer]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

Maybe that then gives him permission to lie to me later to try and trick me?????



KiwiWolf, I'll ring when the child in question is in bed soon.

Yeah I'd not advise trying the two wrongs approach...a bad example is always a bad example...no lesson learned there...

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

I'll be here. I'm just sorting and catalogueing my toenail collection.

lol. hey I trimmed mine today, maybe I can give you mine for your collection. Add some class to your collection.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

Maybe that then gives him permission to lie to me later to try and trick me?????



KiwiWolf, I'll ring when the child in question is in bed soon.

That's not the usual result, though I suppose that could happen. "You don't lie to me, and I won't lie to you" is what I told my son. As far as I know, it did the trick. He's 25 now, and a pretty honest young man.

Moon

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Getting Children to tell the truth. Help!!

That's not the usual result, though I suppose that could happen. "You don't lie to me, and I won't lie to you" is what I told my son. As far as I know, it did the trick. He's 25 now, and a pretty honest young man.

I'm sure it may work with some kids. Mine is the "tit for tat" kind of kid, so it would come back to bite me I think.

 

[LadyDarkFire]

I know this may sound rather odd, but honestly, what worked for me on my godkids is what my parents did. When they knew I was lying, they'd sit me down, explain their suspicions, point out the facts, and tell me that I wouldn't get punished for telling the truth, but if they could prove it was a lie, I'd get punished for lying. It told me that they knew, and that it did no good. It's done the trick every time that I've used it.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Ring me tomorrow and let me know how it goes TH okay?

 

[Bindii]

I'd call his bluff.

Tell him that someone (a neighbour perhaps) rang you and said that they saw him either a) take the money or b) that they have lost some money in the vicinity where he found it. Then see what his reaction is.

Btw....daughter truly believed until the age of 12 that I had hidden cameras in every room of the house. If I suspected that she had done something that she was denying my standard answer would be "thats ok, I'll just go and check and camera".
It worked a charm! She spilt the beans every time.
My son is now 7 years - I guess that means that I have another 5 years!

 

[T.H. Oughts]

When they knew I was lying, they'd sit me down, explain their suspicions, point out the facts, and tell me that I wouldn't get punished for telling the truth, but if they could prove it was a lie, I'd get punished for lying.

Tried that, at the beginning we told him that if he told the truth there would be no punishment but if we found out later he had taken the money he could not go on his first Scout Camp that is happening in a few weeks time he is really looking forward to.... he didn't confess.

After talking to Kiwi Wolf a few minutes ago I've decided to put the money in a glass jar on top of the pantry for a few weeks in case someone knocks on the door to say they dropped some money and have come to claim it. I'm sure we can trip him up some how over the next few weeks and he does not end up getting the money.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Btw....daughter truly believed until the age of 12 that I had hidden cameras in every room of the house. !

Our son only realised last year his father and I could not see through walls, lol

 

[Bindii]

Our son only realised last year his father and I could not see through walls, lol

Lol! I just love the fact that my wall unit has glass doors....it gives me eye's in the back of my head!

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Lol! I just love the fact that my wall unit has glass doors....it gives me eye's in the back of my head!

Yeah, like we don't know what bouncing on a bed from another room sounds like or when the hinge on the pantry door makes a noise.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Well I've decided what to do......

i'm gonna put the money in a jar on view to all the family and tell him the jar has to stay there until the end of next month. That way it gives someone time to knock on our door and say that they lost the money.

As how would he like it if he lost some money and the person that found it spent it straight away.

Then (here's the cunning bit) I shall ask an elderly lady from an Art group I belong to that he does not know to come knock on our door in a few days and say she was going for a walk and lost her $15. She will give him a talk about how lovely it was of him to be honest and not spend the money.

I know he took the money from the coffee table. So this way he does not get to keep the money.

Also because he knows he took the money he will know she is telling a lie about misplacing the money and maybe he will spurt out that he did take it off the table afterall.

If he comes clean I will own up that the lady is a friend and he can not trick his mother..... Ah ha, a cunning plan I hope.