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Getting back in the flow

NoJo

NoJo

Happily Marred
Joined
May 19, 2002
Posts
15,398
I'm taking a break from my technical writing job to write a stroke story after a long gap. I'm a little rusty, and I've lost a lot of confidence. Please help me get back in the creative flow by critiquing the first couple of paras of my new story "Norman is an Island":


"OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" Candii exclaimed as Norman slid his 10" (25.4 cm) penis inside her vagina. His penis was as hard as medium-carbon steel (Generally speaking, carbon steels contain up to 2% total alloying elements and can be subdivided into low-carbon steels, medium-carbon steels, high-carbon steels, and ultrahigh-carbon steels).

Just then, someone else came in. It was another girl, a classic endomorph. She was hot, figuratively speaking. In actual fact her body temparature was 36.9 degrees Celcuis, well within one standard deviation of the norm. "OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" the girl exclaimed.
 
Um, yeah, that was great. Got me hot. There's just something about steel that does it for me. ;) :devil:
 
carsonshepherd said:
You might want to rethink that break.... ;)
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Don't tell him that! He's a fine writer. Just look at the way he made the characters come alive. :p



(He is seriously a very good writer and a bloody funny guy, too! :D)

Lou
 
Never been wicked strongly attracted to endomorphs. I like the miniatures, but the endomorphs are just cute for me, not sexy. A failing of mine. Leave out the endomorph.
 
Thanks cantdog.
I just put in "endomorph" because it sounded technical -- wasn't sure what it meant. I've changed it to "bulemic".
 
Sub Joe said:
I'm taking a break from my technical writing job to write a stroke story after a long gap. I'm a little rusty, and I've lost a lot of confidence. Please help me get back in the creative flow by critiquing the first couple of paras of my new story "Norman is an Island":


"OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" Candii exclaimed as Norman slid his 10" (25.4 cm) penis inside her vagina. His penis was as hard as medium-carbon steel (Generally speaking, carbon steels contain up to 2% total alloying elements and can be subdivided into low-carbon steels, medium-carbon steels, high-carbon steels, and ultrahigh-carbon steels).

Just then, someone else came in. It was another girl, a classic endomorph. She was hot, figuratively speaking. In actual fact her body temparature was 36.9 degrees Celcuis, well within one standard deviation of the norm. "OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" the girl exclaimed.
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Just like a fucking man to forget the females dimensions! Oh brother, and I'm talking about her vaginal cavity, not her measurements.

DS
 
Carson, what happened, is I wrote what I thought was a serious story, and everyone told me they liked it because it was so funny. So now I'm type cast as funny. Like a clown, inside I'm actually really sad. People who know me in RL quickly see what a sad person I really am.
 
oh...
and here i was, thinking that you had morphed into a woman and got your monthly...
damn. i guesss i was wrong:rolleyes: :p
 
Tears of a clown

Sad Joe, I like miserable blokes (makes me feel in charge). Don't ever change.

Kiss, hug,

Perdita :kiss: :heart:
 
Sounds more like you were designing a scenario for an interactive porn program than writing a stroke story, Joe. ;)
 
Tatelou said:
Um, yeah, that was great. Got me hot. There's just something about steel that does it for me. ;) :devil:
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Yes! me too, me too! I PM-ed Laurel about why there's no Metallurgy story category. She had the nerve to say it's too much of a niche. What other metals do you like? I have quite a collection of lathe swarf.
 
Sub Joe said:
Yes! me too, me too! I PM-ed Laurel about why there's no Metallurgy story category. She had the nerve to say it's too much of a niche. What other metals do you like? I have quite a collection of lathe swarf.
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I like the raw stuff, as it comes out of the ground. I always thought there was something quite ruggedly sexy about iron ore.
 
I see. I could have guessed you be into ore. We have quite a few "rusties" -- (ore fetishists) in my local ferrophiles club.
 
Sub Joe said:
"Norman is an Island":


"OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" Caps usually mean the person speaking is actually shouting, if this was your intention then ok, otherwise it's a no-no Candii Invented spellings for names is very distracting as they tend to make the reader wonder about the pronunciation exclaimed as Norman slid his 10" (25.4 cm) penis inside her vagina. His penis two penii in the same paragraph isn't a good idea try thinking up alternative words was as hard as medium-carbon steel (Generally speaking, carbon steels contain up to 2% total alloying elements and can be subdivided into low-carbon steels, medium-carbon steels, high-carbon steels, and ultrahigh-carbon steels). This last part, spinning off into explanations can be very off-putting and is somewhat derivative of a well established author at Lit. Don't copy other's style, be yourself

Just then, someone else came in. It was another girl, a classic endomorph. I realise that this has been mentioned already but Bulemic isn't a synonym for endomorph. Think of Reubens' paintings, they are endomorphic She was hot, figuratively speaking. In actual fact her body temparature was 36.9 degrees Celcuis[sp], well within one standard deviation of the norm. if you mean that point one degrees is a standard deviational unit then it would be best if you explained this, besides which I am under the impression that normal body temperature actually is 36.9 celsius and therefore not deviant anyway "OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" the girl exclaimed. exclaimed or shouted????
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I think you need to re-read carefully whenever you finish a paragraph, maybe even a sentence or if you must, after each word, before going on to the next, in order to get the most from your writing. Your reader (s) will be internally grateful.
 
Thankyou Gauche. That was very helpful and insulting.
 
Sub Joe said:
I'm taking a break from my technical writing job to write a stroke story after a long gap. I'm a little rusty, and I've lost a lot of confidence. Please help me get back in the creative flow by critiquing the first couple of paras of my new story "Norman is an Island":


"OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" Candii exclaimed as Norman slid his 10" (25.4 cm) penis inside her vagina. His penis was as hard as medium-carbon steel (Generally speaking, carbon steels contain up to 2% total alloying elements and can be subdivided into low-carbon steels, medium-carbon steels, high-carbon steels, and ultrahigh-carbon steels).

Just then, someone else came in. It was another girl, a classic endomorph. She was hot, figuratively speaking. In actual fact her body temparature was 36.9 degrees Celcuis, well within one standard deviation of the norm. "OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" the girl exclaimed.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure if I'm aroused or just have a tremendous desire to build something.
 
I never knew I was an estblished author at Lit.! This is a red letter day for me!

(Do I need to explain "red-letter day"?)
 
Sub Joe said:
I see. I could have guessed you be into ore. We have quite a few "rusties" -- (ore fetishists) in my local ferrophiles club.
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What if I told you I actually preferred iron filings? Would you think less of me?
 
Sub Joe said:
I'm taking a break from my technical writing job to write a stroke story after a long gap. I'm a little rusty, and I've lost a lot of confidence. Please help me get back in the creative flow by critiquing the first couple of paras of my new story "Norman is an Island":


"OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" Candii exclaimed as Norman slid his 10" (25.4 cm) penis inside her vagina. His penis was as hard as medium-carbon steel (Generally speaking, carbon steels contain up to 2% total alloying elements and can be subdivided into low-carbon steels, medium-carbon steels, high-carbon steels, and ultrahigh-carbon steels).

Just then, someone else came in. It was another girl, a classic endomorph. She was hot, figuratively speaking. In actual fact her body temparature was 36.9 degrees Celcuis, well within one standard deviation of the norm. "OH, OAHHHH, AHHHHHH-URGH!" the girl exclaimed.
Click to expand...

I think this is pretty near how I described you in the Olympics :devil:

Very funny, Joe!
 
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