Getting an Older Man Interested

[deniebrown]

I will probably sound really naive, but the fact is, I'm pretty tired of the guys I've met that are my age. They always seem so full of themselves and not very considerate.
I look at my parents and my uncles and aunts and how polite and considerate the men are towards the women.
How is the best way of getting an older man, maybe 40 or more, to think of me in a sexy way and that I would like a relationship without them thinking I'm being silly or something? Oh, and then to make it look "right" in public and not like some kind of weird thing.
I know I've used some absolutes in this post. Not all guys are terrible in their 20s I understand that, but the majority of the ones I know are.

 

[RR71]

Get ready for your inbox to explode...lol...

 

[NippleMuncher]

To be honest, the men you are looking for are looking for the same thing in a woman, maturity, kindness, self confidence . . . If you exude what they're looking for, they'll find you, this goes for a mate of any age, actually.

Some people have issues with age gaps, some don't, obviously you're looking for someone who doesn't. There is nothing you can do about how you will be perceived in public with an older mate. A lot of it will depend on how large the age gap is and how noticeable it is.

As for where to look, I am of the opinion that most relationships worth having are NOT the ones you go looking for, it is the ones that happen organically through similar interests that tend to be of higher value, so get out there and do the things you love.

 

[Juci_Lucy]

.....

 

[silverwhisper]

denie, maybe the issue is that you're looking at the wrong kinds of guys your own age. they exist: just not where you've been looking for 'em.

just because someone's had a lot more birthdays than you, it doesn't mean that they treat people any better. don't be blinded by superficial crap like age. look deeper for character, cuz that's what you appear to be seeking.

ed

 

[suckonsimon]

Just a caution, denie, and I speak as a much older man:

I am well aware that, if I wanted to, I could exude all the charm and 'experience' and consideration in my storehouse, towards a much younger woman, for the sole purpose of getting to her sweet young body so as to 'take' her for my lustful pleasure and as a trophy to add to my story of sexual conquest. And then after a while I would go back to the women of my own age. Would that woman see through my insincerity? Frankly, I think I could pull it off.

Heck, there is no way I am saying 'don't go there'. Just wanting to reinforce the 'be wise' about this, which I am sure you already have in you.

Simon.

 

[SunDevilGirl]

I think men can be inconsiderate and full of themselves no matter what age. Age does not necessarily make a man "polite and considerate."
I wouldn't focus on age so much, look for someone that treats you the way you want to be treated. If he doesn't, move on!

Your 20's are for learning all these lessons the hard way. Date all those rude guys so that when you find the good ones you'll know.

 

[Noor]

There are some long term relationships of older people which just astound me by their loving kindness towards each other. I think it is a combination of training/role models, societal expectations, a drive for both to be the best they can for each other and love.

My experience with older men is that some of them are polite and consider and some aren't. I have also met many younger men who are amazing in that way.

I don't know how old you are but in most communities it is easier to date closer to your age. Shared experiences and values make a big difference in a relationship. You don't need to share everything but shared expectations of the terms of the relationship really help. Shared music is something that is fairly important to me as is sexual openness and willingness to work on strengthening relationships.

In answer to your question, you have to go where the older men are and be seriously involved in things they like to do that you like also.

If it were me and my interests I would be hanging at the museum, orchestra hall and classical concerts, music in general, things doing with trains, art film screenings, art crawls, car rallies, walking around the lake, architectural symposiums, cult eating places where single men feel ok to eat and maybe share a table with a stranger, volunteering at local food coop, food shelf, public library, plays and new music performances, makers fairs and hack factories, steam punk events. I would suggest science fiction conventions but only those with a mixed age crowd and guests you'd want to see. I have met some great guys there but usually only younger ones.

Some of my single male friends do serious ballroom dancing and seem to meet a fair number of women doing that. That is helpful in some ways because you need to be pretty kind and considerate to do ballroom.

Regarding older men, they may or may not have as much relationship experience as you. Some have been in many superficial relationships while others many have been on a couple long term ones. Dating some of them may be like dating a guy at whatever age they last seriously entered a relationship especially if that was a dysfunctional one, or ended badly. Also people acquire baggage through life, the older the guy, the more opportunity for baggage from past relationships, also they can be less flexible.

 

[amofiga]

Am I the only one that sees problems with a 20 year old girl (yes girl) and a 40-45 year old man? I'm not saying it's impossible, but in my humble opinion, the only thing a 40 year old man would have in common with a 20 year old girl is him wanting sex with a much younger "girl" to make him feel like he's not over the hill. Can you spell mid-life crisis?

OK, so if you're really serious in wanting to date an older man for more than just casual sex, you'll have to demonstrate a level of maturity and attitude that doesn't seem common for someone who isn't even out of college yet. Back, yes back, when I was in my 40's, I generally felt that a woman under 35-40 didn't have the level of maturity and confidence that I found attractive. Many very young women/girls seemed too flighty and immature and just hadn't seen enough of life to know who they were and what they wanted. That's just me, and that's just the younger people I knew like nieces and nephews. But I'm willing to admit I'm wrong and maybe this OP is compatible with a middle aged man in ways that go beyond fun and games sex.

Good luck to you and the lucky man/men you chose to set your sights on.

 

[FindingFire]

I was always interested in men 5 or 6 years my senior. Recently experienced a man 12 years my senior. At 46, that was too much, he didn't have the stamina or the desire that I did.

In my 20's and 30's it worked. Now, not so much but then again I've only had those experience. I'm back to working on the 5-6 year spread.

I can say I'm not interested in anyone younger, can't deal with the immaturity.

May December relationships rarely last but hey, a failed relationship doesn't always mean it was bad.

 

[box13]

It's going to look weird in public. It'll be weird with his kids (which may be older than you) and his ex-wives. And I think it'd be more difficult to appear sincere in any kind of realistic way, not looking like a gold-digger (who was that blonde that died a while back with the big boob job who married the billionaire?) so, socially, it's just going to be awkward. Even the 30-somthing paired with a 18-year-old I've heard about a few years back made people wonder. It's just that way. Movie stars and rich people just seem to get away with it though, so it's not like it doesn't happen at all.

If you want to spend time with someone who treats you kindly, then that's really a separate problem...and not an age thing. Worldview might be a key issue "old values" vs. "new". Someone who doesn't watch TV like "2 & 1/2 Men" or something of that nature...a lot of media seems geared towards making men into selfish emotional infants.

But thinking of you in a sexy way, wouldn't seem like too difficult. Let them know you're interested. In a way that goes beyond casual meaningless teasing/flirting I suppose. And that maybe you'd have something in common that could be explored further. And that perhaps you're not just looking for a sugar daddy to make a fool of (assuming that's the case).

And that you won't laugh when they can't get hard (could be an endless supply of oral though, so don't loose heart). I'd date a young lady just to rub her back a few times, and watch her walk around in a thong.

If it wasn't for some plans I've already made, that is.

Good luck. (I'll tip my hat to the lucky bastard.)

 

[FindingFire]

For the record, I'd take a sugar daddy. Well as long as that there is a lot more to me me than being a sugar baby. Lmao

Okay, I'm drinking right now so don't hold that against me.

 

[box13]

For the record, I'd take a sugar daddy. Well as long as that there is a lot more to me me than being a sugar baby. Lmao

Okay, I'm drinking right now so don't hold that against me.

Cheers....

 

[FindingFire]

Cheers....

Yesireeeeeebob

 

[troubledone]

I was always interested in men 5 or 6 years my senior. Recently experienced a man 12 years my senior. At 46, that was too much, he didn't have the stamina or the desire that I did.

In my 20's and 30's it worked. Now, not so much but then again I've only had those experience. I'm back to working on the 5-6 year spread.

I can say I'm not interested in anyone younger, can't deal with the immaturity.

May December relationships rarely last but hey, a failed relationship doesn't always mean it was bad.

Heard of the ex Prime Minister of Italy

 

[FindingFire]

Heard of the ex Prime Minister of Italy

Send me a reminder to revisit when not under the influence.

 

[gabriel16]

Great thread

As an older guy, who has had relationships with younger women, including long lasting relationships, the way is just like any other. Let him know you're interested and then he will respond. If he is interested. There is more too, of course

G

 

[box13]

Heard of the ex Prime Minister of Italy

Send me a reminder to revisit when not under the influence.

He won't look any more attractive when you're sober.

 

[Que]

They are already interested...they just have no idea that you might be.

Key is to give them permission to think of you as a maybe.

Most likely you remind them of their youth, that is to the good.

Most likely you also remind them of someone off limits like a niece, a daughters friends, a friends daughter, etc. (Harder still if you ARE their friend's daughter!)

Break the ice with NON-sexual contact. Touch his arm in a non-sexual way. Get near him but don't crowd. Let him get comfortable with proximity, and let pheromones take over.

Give him the chance to interact with you so he can assure himself that you are a grown woman with the ability to decide things for yourself and he won't feel so much like a creeper. (Not that there is anything wrong with actually being a dirty old man.)

Possible openers: "You remind me so much of my favorite teacher/boss/ other authority figure" Idea being to plant in his head that you have crushed on people in his age bracket before. If you lean too hard early on crushing on HIM he may lack my (possibly delusional level of) confidence and disbelieve the purity of your approach, ie: gold-digger, or some sort of being goofed on, or some entrapment scenario.

I have seen grown men look awfully sheepish when a HOT, young, fresh faced girl-next-door or ex-cheerleader type performers approach them. It isn't that they ARENT attracted, they are embarrassed that they are attracted. They know where they are, they KNOW its. "OK" but it doesnt feel like it.

I've given the above advice to those girls and it works...well, basically biology works...

 

[troubledone]

They are already interested...they just have no idea that you might be.

Key is to give them permission to think of you as a maybe.

Most likely you remind them of their youth, that is to the good.

Most likely you also remind them of someone off limits like a niece, a daughters friends, a friends daughter, etc. (Harder still if you ARE their friend's daughter!)

Break the ice with NON-sexual contact. Touch his arm in a non-sexual way. Get near him but don't crowd. Let him get comfortable with proximity, and let pheromones take over.

Give him the chance to interact with you so he can assure himself that you are a grown woman with the ability to decide things for yourself and he won't feel so much like a creeper. (Not that there is anything wrong with actually being a dirty old man.)

Possible openers: "You remind me so much of my favorite teacher/boss/ other authority figure" Idea being to plant in his head that you have crushed on people in his age bracket before. If you lean to hard early on crushing on HIM he may lack my confidence and disbelieve the purity of your approach, ie: gold-digger, or some sort of being goofed on, or some entrapment scenario.

I have seen grown men look awfully sheepish when a HOT, young, fresh faced girl-next-door or ex-cheerleader type performers approach them. It isn't that they ARENT attracted, they are embarrassed that they are attracted. They know where they are, they KNOW its. "OK" but it doesnt feel like it.

I've given the above advice to those girls and it works...well, basically biology works...

Interesting

 

[Que]

It's going to look weird in public. It'll be weird with his kids (which may be older than you) and his ex-wives. And I think it'd be more difficult to appear sincere in any kind of realistic way, not looking like a gold-digger (who was that blonde that died a while back with the big boob job who married the billionaire?) so, socially, it's just going to be awkward. Even the 30-somthing paired with a 18-year-old I've heard about a few years back made people wonder. It's just that way. Movie stars and rich people just seem to get away with it though, so it's not like it doesn't happen at all.
--snip

I agree that it looks, "weird" to some....and that ridiculous stereo-type (that a virile man should NOT be attracted to nubile youth and vitality) needs adjustment. We are as a society all about saying "you go girl!" to "cougars" while assuming that dirty old men/gullible naifs is the only reason for a traditional may December romance.

Look at the original poster's reasoning. it is sound and well thought out. Yet people assume that somehow the older guy is shooting fish in a barrel and exploitative and should date in his own embittered age bracket. Why?

 

[silverwhisper]

because sexual attraction <> healthy relationship material. any 40+ year old guy who's dating a 20something needs to be smacked hard. being double+ her age he's going to be a lot more proficient at manipulation than anyone she's been involved with, and it's not like 20somethings are exactly famous for being self-confident and neurosis-free.

unless the OP is startlingly mature for her age--which i suppose is a possibility-- there's practically no chance of a healthy relationship.

again: denie, i think you need to look for guys closer to your age in a different way than you do. just bypass the superficial crap.

ed

 

[blulilacgrl]

I agree that it looks, "weird" to some....and that ridiculous stereo-type (that a virile man should NOT be attracted to nubile youth and vitality) needs adjustment. We are as a society all about saying "you go girl!" to "cougars" while assuming that dirty old men/gullible naifs is the only reason for a traditional may December romance.

Look at the original poster's reasoning. it is sound and well thought out. Yet people assume that somehow the older guy is shooting fish in a barrel and exploitative and should date in his own embittered age bracket. Why?

No offense query, but I disagree with the notion that the OP's reasoning is sound and well thought out.

I think she is misreading some things.

I look at my parents and my uncles and aunts and how polite and considerate the men are towards the women

That is not age. That is

a) being taught to be respectful. Which can happen at any age. I have known some 20 somethings who are incredibly respectful, kind and generous. I have also know 40 somethings that are rude, self-centered and manipulative

b) if she is talking about relationships she sees between these people, then she needs to take into account that the consideration between a couple is one that is constructed over the course of a relationship. To look at a 20 year relationship and admire how the people conduct themselves toward each other and then to further think that by simply getting someone that age will assure her of the same consideration is short sighted.

and c) She is referring to family members.. well a lot of things go on behind closed doors. She has no idea how they might behave when not in a 'public' setting.


The best advice I can give her is to (yes) look at those relationships, decide what she wants from a relationship (respect, consideration, gentlemanly manners, etc) and then to hold out for the person who exudes those characteristics all the while acknowledging that age is not a hard and fast limit.

Good luck, OP. Those men are out there and they come in all ages.

 

[Que]

because sexual attraction <> healthy relationship material. any 40+ year old guy who's dating a 20something needs to be smacked hard. being double+ her age he's going to be a lot more proficient at manipulation than anyone she's been involved with, and it's not like 20somethings are exactly famous for being self-confident and neurosis-free.

unless the OP is startlingly mature for her age--which i suppose is a possibility-- there's practically no chance of a healthy relationship.

again: denie, i think you need to look for guys closer to your age in a different way than you do. just bypass the superficial crap.

ed

I realize that I come across a bit defensive on this point, but...

...to my point you give the same advice to women that are dating guys 10 and 20 years younger than them? Because in that case it's just sex for the guys and its okay but we're going to break these poor naive girls hearts right?

If the original poster had been a young man wanting to know how to date Cougars because he finds them attractive.... my guess is the bulk of the commentary would be make sure you're worthy man of such a fine prize.

Double standards don't only work one way.

Besides who's talking relationship technically speaking. You either condone recreational sex for 20 something year olds or you recommend celibacy for them.

No offense query, but I disagree with the notion that the OP's reasoning is sound and well thought out.

I think she is misreading some things.

I look at my parents and my uncles and aunts and how polite and considerate the men are towards the women

That is not age. That is

a) being taught to be respectful. Which can happen at any age. I have known some 20 somethings who are incredibly respectful, kind and generous. I have also know 40 somethings that are rude, self-centered and manipulative

b) if she is talking about relationships she sees between these people, then she needs to take into account that the consideration between a couple is one that is constructed over the course of a relationship. To look at a 20 year relationship and admire how the people conduct themselves toward each other and then to further think that by simply getting someone that age will assure her of the same consideration is short sighted.

and c) She is referring to family members.. well a lot of things go on behind closed doors. She has no idea how they might behave when not in a 'public' setting.


The best advice I can give her is to (yes) look at those relationships, decide what she wants from a relationship (respect, consideration, gentlemanly manners, etc) and then to hold out for the person who exudes those characteristics all the while acknowledging that age is not a hard and fast limit.

Good luck, OP. Those men are out there and they come in all ages.

I have to agree that yours would be sound advice, but her question wasn't should I date older men- rather how to attract them. I understand that you're questioning the premise of her question.

I do think that's better advice though to simply assume that age is not a hard and fast limit.

I was kind of under the working assumption that she has perhaps at a specific or several not quite specific older gentlemen in mind.

Probably my handsome and charming doppelganger in her area.

 

[silverwhisper]

query queried:
i realize that I come across a bit defensive on this point, but...

...to my point you give the same advice to women that are dating guys 10 and 20 years younger than them?

i know i don't post on HT very much anymore, but you're clearly not familiar with my posting history. so yes, i do.

my bet is that a significant age gap, while probably sexy and fun, is a only successful relationship in an exceedingly small minority of cases. it's why you don't see it all over the place.

ed