dixiedelight
Virgin
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- Apr 20, 2001
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- 1
hi
[Edited by dixiedelight on 04-25-2001 at 08:21 AM]
[Edited by dixiedelight on 04-25-2001 at 08:21 AM]
GETS ME WET!!!!
- Thread starter dixiedelight
- Start date
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
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Try the story feedback section darlin, if you haven't already. We usually don't give drip inducing feedback on stories in this part of town. Unless discussions of grammer, punctuation and spelling excite you. They do me. I wouldn't have a problem getting hot enough to have an exhibitionistic orgy rolling around on Cymbidia's OEM 2nd editions. Gawd that's a hot thought.
Anyway, feedback! Lose the ellipis. You are using them incorrectly, they aren't segues from one thought to another, they mean that something has been removed from a quote. They can be used at the end of a sentence when the sentence represents an incomplete thought. But then it's because it's at the end of the sentence. Ellipis are ... marks. And it's ellipis guys, not ellipses.
You also use a couple of gimmicks in stories. OOOOH FUCK I'M CUMMING. All caps is a lazy way to get your point across and actually leaves out a tremendous amount of the orgasmic feeling. Such as what she's feeling, why she's feeling it, how she's feeling it, what she was thinking when it came about, where the sensation begin and how it traveled through the body, what her body is doing through the whole thing, and how her partner(s) react to it. Then there is the Mmmmmmmmmm I looooove it when he licks me, I just get soooooooooooo wetttttt. This gives the impression of cybersex and it's actually impossible to draw out the sound of some repeated letters. The reason this is ineffective is that readers generally do not subvocalize what they are reading like authors do when they are writing. They don't "hear" it in their heads so the moaning is totally lost on them because they don't hear it.
Moving on to the story itself. It's a lovely vignette, a really good idea for a plot, kudos on the originality. The quickness of the writing, however, requires the reader to suspend belief. The movement from my feet are killing me to the realtor is fucking on the bed was too fast and could have used a few more sentences of buildup, such as what's that noise? It sounds like someone is fucking! Then there is the allusion that the narrator knew Ashley prior to this incident, then Ashley is later referred to as a "new friend." Consistency is key.
All in all, I would classify this as a good story, but I really wouldn't re-read it. I would suggest you check into Dixon Carter Lee, Whispersecret, Madame Pandora, or Dirty Old Man to find some excellent erotic stories. See what makes them great stories that make people want to come back and read them, or automatically look for more stories by that particular author. There is always room for improvement on everyone's part.
Keep writing!
Anyway, feedback! Lose the ellipis. You are using them incorrectly, they aren't segues from one thought to another, they mean that something has been removed from a quote. They can be used at the end of a sentence when the sentence represents an incomplete thought. But then it's because it's at the end of the sentence. Ellipis are ... marks. And it's ellipis guys, not ellipses.You also use a couple of gimmicks in stories. OOOOH FUCK I'M CUMMING. All caps is a lazy way to get your point across and actually leaves out a tremendous amount of the orgasmic feeling. Such as what she's feeling, why she's feeling it, how she's feeling it, what she was thinking when it came about, where the sensation begin and how it traveled through the body, what her body is doing through the whole thing, and how her partner(s) react to it. Then there is the Mmmmmmmmmm I looooove it when he licks me, I just get soooooooooooo wetttttt. This gives the impression of cybersex and it's actually impossible to draw out the sound of some repeated letters. The reason this is ineffective is that readers generally do not subvocalize what they are reading like authors do when they are writing. They don't "hear" it in their heads so the moaning is totally lost on them because they don't hear it.
Moving on to the story itself. It's a lovely vignette, a really good idea for a plot, kudos on the originality. The quickness of the writing, however, requires the reader to suspend belief. The movement from my feet are killing me to the realtor is fucking on the bed was too fast and could have used a few more sentences of buildup, such as what's that noise? It sounds like someone is fucking! Then there is the allusion that the narrator knew Ashley prior to this incident, then Ashley is later referred to as a "new friend." Consistency is key.
All in all, I would classify this as a good story, but I really wouldn't re-read it. I would suggest you check into Dixon Carter Lee, Whispersecret, Madame Pandora, or Dirty Old Man to find some excellent erotic stories. See what makes them great stories that make people want to come back and read them, or automatically look for more stories by that particular author. There is always room for improvement on everyone's part.
Keep writing!
CookieMonster
Virgin
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2001
- Posts
- 15
ellipSES [was: Gets me wet]
KillerMuffin wrote:
"Lose the ellipis. You are using them incorrectly, they aren't segues from one thought to another, they mean that something has been removed from a quote. They can be used at the end of a sentence when the sentence represents an incomplete thought. But then it's because it's at the end of the sentence. Ellipis are ... marks. And it's ellipis guys, not ellipses."
Hi, KM. I had always known the word as ellipSIS [plural: ellipSES], so I went and checked my dictionary. According to Webster's New World Dictionary, at least, the
word is ellipsis, plural ellipses; moreover, this dictionary doesn't list the word ellipis (single s).
FWIW, this same dictionary defines the word as:
``2. Writing & Printing a) a mark (... or formerly ***) indicating an intentional omission of words or an abrupt change of thought, lapse of time, incomplete statement, etc. b) the use of such marks.'' (emphasis mine)
CookieMonster
KillerMuffin wrote:
"Lose the ellipis. You are using them incorrectly, they aren't segues from one thought to another, they mean that something has been removed from a quote. They can be used at the end of a sentence when the sentence represents an incomplete thought. But then it's because it's at the end of the sentence. Ellipis are ... marks. And it's ellipis guys, not ellipses."
Hi, KM. I had always known the word as ellipSIS [plural: ellipSES], so I went and checked my dictionary. According to Webster's New World Dictionary, at least, the
word is ellipsis, plural ellipses; moreover, this dictionary doesn't list the word ellipis (single s).
FWIW, this same dictionary defines the word as:
``2. Writing & Printing a) a mark (... or formerly ***) indicating an intentional omission of words or an abrupt change of thought, lapse of time, incomplete statement, etc. b) the use of such marks.'' (emphasis mine)
CookieMonster
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
Hi CM. I get my misspelling ability from my mother. People have been confusing ellipsis with an ellipse. See, The K'ster can admit when she's wrong.
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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- Mar 1, 2000
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- 23,768
Re: ellipSES [was: Gets me wet]
I think that many people confuse "an abrupt change of thought" with "an extended pause." Ellipses are overused by beginning writers on a regular basis. I, myself, have been accused of an "over-fondness for Ellipses" in the past.
My "Lexicon Webster" doesn't designate the three asterisk form as being "formerly" or obsolete, only as an alternate form of ellipsis.
My personal interpretation of the various definitions is that three dots indicates an incomplete sentence where words required to make a complete thought are left out. Three asterisks indicates a part of the story not told, as in a time lapse, POV change, or change of scene.
That accords with what I see in mass market editions of Science Fiction, Fantasy, Historical Novels, and other mainstream works. It may not be absolutely correct but it is consistent with the way better authors than I use ellipses.
CookieMonster said:
I think that many people confuse "an abrupt change of thought" with "an extended pause." Ellipses are overused by beginning writers on a regular basis. I, myself, have been accused of an "over-fondness for Ellipses" in the past.
My "Lexicon Webster" doesn't designate the three asterisk form as being "formerly" or obsolete, only as an alternate form of ellipsis.
My personal interpretation of the various definitions is that three dots indicates an incomplete sentence where words required to make a complete thought are left out. Three asterisks indicates a part of the story not told, as in a time lapse, POV change, or change of scene.
That accords with what I see in mass market editions of Science Fiction, Fantasy, Historical Novels, and other mainstream works. It may not be absolutely correct but it is consistent with the way better authors than I use ellipses.
