Get over someone from your past

[Beck31]

I wasn't sure if this was the right board for this but what the hell right? It can't hurt to ask. Someone from my past had reentered my life and I am not sure it is a good thing. For a while the situation was out of sight, out of mind, but I do have a hard time letting go and sometimes it is nearly impossible for me to say goodbye and walk away eventhough I should. The person from my past knew a little bit about my current lifestyle and occasionally dabbled but not enough to make it permanant. The issue seems to be that the girl from my past and the current one I am seeing don't get along. Dangerous territory as both are headstrong and very opinionated. I feel caught in the middle b/c I have feelings for both. It is not fair to them and it is not fair to me and I don't know what to do. I'm not a rude person and I can't just cut someone off even if that is the better option. While my connection and bond with the current woman in my life is strong I occasionally wonder what if. I hope I am not alone in that. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Tryharder62]

You don't say how the first relationship ended. Was it your choice or hers. The thing is that if she doesn't get along with your current girl and you plan to stay with her it is a no brainer. I think you need to look at what your unresolved feelings are and if they are worth losing what you have over.

 

[Beck31]

Past

The first relationship ended mutually. Due to circumstances she simply no longer had the time. Just bieng friends was awkward and we eventually went our own way. I do plan to stay with the current girl and I know I need to cut off the ex and simply walk away. I guess I do need to explore the unresolved feelings. Thank you very much for your advice and responce.

 

[subwannabe]

All I can say is that the past is the past. Don't let it screw up your present unless you are unhappy with the present, which it doesn't seem like you are.

 

[Beck31]

past

Thank you Subwanna be.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I wasn't sure if this was the right board for this but what the hell right? It can't hurt to ask. Someone from my past had reentered my life and I am not sure it is a good thing. For a while the situation was out of sight, out of mind, but I do have a hard time letting go and sometimes it is nearly impossible for me to say goodbye and walk away eventhough I should. The person from my past knew a little bit about my current lifestyle and occasionally dabbled but not enough to make it permanant. The issue seems to be that the girl from my past and the current one I am seeing don't get along. Dangerous territory as both are headstrong and very opinionated. I feel caught in the middle b/c I have feelings for both. It is not fair to them and it is not fair to me and I don't know what to do. I'm not a rude person and I can't just cut someone off even if that is the better option. While my connection and bond with the current woman in my life is strong I occasionally wonder what if. I hope I am not alone in that. Any advice would be appreciated.

I feel for you, Beck31 and I doubt any advice I'm about to give will be helpful, but it's offered with an open heart for one in need:

In my life, I've never appreciated the pat "rules" others put on MY relationships. If I'm in a committed relationship, then my partner and I get to decide what the word "commitment" means to us. If I'm in an uncommitted relationship, then partner A doesn't get a say about my relationship with partner B (and vice versa).

I'm not heartless, selfish, or self-centered. I'm a lover. I love to love, be in love, see love, share love, and celebrate love. I can respect limits of a partner, but they also need to respect my needs, too. They don't need to understand them or even accept them, but needs are needs.

Don't let your ex define your current relationship or vice versa. Keep your eyes as open as your heart - but do keep your heart. There's only one person you're going to sleep with the rest of your life.... you. Good luck!

 

[Beck31]

past

Thank you. I appreciate it very much. Those are some very valid points.

 

[SweetErika]

Just keep in mind that letting go of someone doesn't make you a rude person. If you go that route, how you handle it will be key. Dropping off the face of the earth would probably be rude, but letting your ex know you need to set boundaries, or even take time to focus on your work, self and current relationship in a kind way wouldn't be rude or uncalled for.

Maybe how you're approaching this and past refusal to cut ties is at least part of what's bothering your girlfriend about your ex, too. Or is there some other reason your gf doesn't like your ex? Does she feel jealous, possessive, disrespected, like boundaries aren't honored, or bothered by something else? If you haven't done so already, have an honest conversation about why she doesn't like your ex and?or want you to maintain the friendship now. Maybe there are things you could do differently so everyone is happy.

 

[Beck31]

past

Thank you Erika. Very sage advice and wise words. All valid points. I guess it is what it is and it will be what it will be. Hopefully I can figure some things out and all parties involved will be satisfied with the results.

 

[blulilacgrl]

The one thing I have found is that a past relationship if it was meant to work wouldn't be a past relationship. There are reasons you ended that relationship. And since you say it was a mutual decision, those reasons were obviously not based on a misunderstanding or in the heat of an argument.

Personally, i have found it extremely awkward to remain friends with an ex. I know there are those out there who can and I congratulate them. But for me, the intimacy of that relationship will always play havoc with any future relationship I have with someone else.

Nothing says you have to be rude. You are perfectly justified in saying that you are in a relationship and feel awkward and uncomfortable maintaining a friendship with an ex. Then wish her well and move forward.

As to the "what if..." question? Who doesn't have that pop up ever now and then. The thing to remember is that if it was supposed to be, it would have been. Then remind yourself of the reasons the relationship ended.

I.e. If she didn't have time then, why does she have time now? And won't that issue pop up again?

Just my opinion, take it, leave it or flush it.

 

[Beck31]

past

Thank you. I appreciate your responce. On the time factor I am quessing she did get some issues worked out. I'm not really sure. And yes that question or issue may pop up again.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Make A Choice

Some good advice coming in there, I'll echo some of it. The thing to remember about past relationships is they're past relationships for a reason. You can't redo the past - so you make a choice, you make it clear and unequivocal, and you get on with your life. To many people spend there time going through life in a half-state - neither here nor there, and so they never truly experience either.

LOL - and as a total Literotica aside, a Three-Some or a Poly relationship is a choice - and you'll also never know if it is going to work unless you give it a try.

"I love both of you, and I want both of you to move in with me tomorrow."

 

[NomadLady]

I wasn't sure if this was the right board for this but what the hell right? It can't hurt to ask. Someone from my past had reentered my life and I am not sure it is a good thing. For a while the situation was out of sight, out of mind, but I do have a hard time letting go and sometimes it is nearly impossible for me to say goodbye and walk away eventhough I should. The person from my past knew a little bit about my current lifestyle and occasionally dabbled but not enough to make it permanant. The issue seems to be that the girl from my past and the current one I am seeing don't get along. Dangerous territory as both are headstrong and very opinionated. I feel caught in the middle b/c I have feelings for both. It is not fair to them and it is not fair to me and I don't know what to do. I'm not a rude person and I can't just cut someone off even if that is the better option. While my connection and bond with the current woman in my life is strong I occasionally wonder what if. I hope I am not alone in that. Any advice would be appreciated.

We all wonder "what if" at some time in our lives. The difference here is you already know the answer to that question as far as your ex is involved because you've been there. So, if the ending with the ex was mutual there is really no reason to beat yourself up or doubt your feelings now. You have moved on and you have someone new in your life. Keep these ladies away from one another before you really have a problem on your hands that has the potential to hurt everyone involved.

 

[NightL]

I got caught in a similar(?) situation. I was very open and honest. I clearly let it be known that my relationship with the then current partner was indeed where my loyalty lay. The other person was not vying or competing to be my partner, but we had been/were close. We had never been physical lovers, just flirted a lot. Ultimately a very strong bond of friendship with attraction but no intention of taking that further.

Something happened and they hated each other... ^%$#!!!

Organised a get together, laid out exactly how I felt about both of them, then said "now both of you sort this out".

They did, and they became closest of friends. The next several years were wonderful. We became family. We shared the joys and pitfalls of life. There were also many times of considerable sexual tension. This had agreed and discussed boundaries (nearly slipping out of control many times). It was accepted that the flirting could continue, providing it only happened when the three of us were together. When I did catch up with my longer standing friend away from my partner it was purely about being close friends. No flirting, no sexual innuendo, no touching. (no hugs, no cuddles, no full body massages - this could only happen when we were all together )

While my longer standing friend had their own house we were often all together for evenings several times a week.

When all things came to an end I was left wondering, was my old friend actually more attracted to my current partner than me? haha... that one has not been answered yet.