Get my wife to relax so we can have sex

[OptionMaster]

I am newly married and always knew my new wife was pretty shy and it takes her some time to warm up to things. However now trying to get her to have sex is becoming frustrating. She is the type of person that always says no to start, even when she wants to. You can see how this may lead to issues as sometimes I do not know if she really wants to, or really doesnt. We did not have sex on our wedding night but did fool around a little in the morning. We had sex for the first time towards the end of our honeymoon and nothing since we came back. Apparently the other night she wanted to fool around but not have sex, but I completely misread her signals so nothing happened. I try to do alot around the house, even making the bedroom nice with some little candles, ect. Just looking for ideas. I know I am a way more sexual person than she is. However I can not convince her that if we do it maybe 2-3 times a week or whatever, I wont care if there are certain days she is not in the mood. She just does not believe me, but is not willing to have sex a few times a week to see what happens. Also, I think secretly she is scared of getting pregnant yet even though she is on the pill and we use condoms.


Thoughts?

 

[lonelonghorn]

Wine glorious wine! Serve some with a yummy dinner and the rest falls into place!

 

[nakdsub]

Good luck

That's all I can say...Good Luck! Every time I tried to interest my ex-wife in something new she called me a pervert. I tried movies, magazines, and reading her erotic stories. Nothing worked.
Of course, later I found out she was fucking someone else. I hope that's not your real problem.
You can try getting her to watch some soft porn before bed, see what that does.
As I said, "Good Luck."

 

[KatNW1]

Here's the deal.

Be patient.

Don't put an amount on things. If I were shy, and someone said, oh, only 2-3 times a week, I'd freak out.

Speaking as a survivor of domestic abuse, it sounds as though she may (and I'm only speculating) have something in her past that makes sex difficult for her that she can't tell you about. Or she may just be shy.

Reassure her - talk to her - find out if she really is afraid of getting pregnant and why - something's holding her back and the only way you're going to find out what it is is by BEING PATIENT.

 

[SweetErika]

How long have you been together?

What did you two do sexually before marriage, and how often?

If you didn't have a spectacular sex life well before the wedding (yeah, even if you didn't have intercourse), what made you think your reserved fiancee would become your lusty wife?

The same goes for communication. It sounds like you might have a long-standing communication issue regarding sex. Have you tried lovingly telling your wife your thoughts and needs at a non-sexual time? For instance, you could tell her you seem to be misreading her regarding sex, and you'd like to have clearer communication because you really love her and would like to be intimate at least a couple of times a week. Then ask her how you can communicate better and work toward getting on the same page. The main point is you need to state your feelings kindly, without placing blame on her or pushing any known buttons.

If you suspect there are fears regarding an unplanned pregnancy, you need to talk to her about it. You could simply ask if there's anything she's concerned about regarding sex. If she says "no," get more specific about pregnancy and anything else that could be the issue. If one problem is fear of pregnancy, you might suggest going to a doctor or family planning clinic together to talk about how you can avoid an unplanned pregnancy. Maybe reassurance from a professional that proper pill and condom usage every single time is about as effective as you can get will help your wife. You could also ask about Plan B in the event the condom fails or something else happens that could lead to pregnancy.

In the end though, you may have made a big mistake in whom you chose to marry, so you may have to come to terms with that and act accordingly. Sex doesn't usually get better with the additional stress that's just a part of life; even the most sexual, open people are often affected by stress, illnesses, having children and chemical fluctuations. And if you're not having much sex during the honeymoon phase of your relationship, you can probably expect to have even less once all of those lovey-dovey-lusty hormones wear off.

 

[OptionMaster]

last night she brought out the vibrator I got her and had me use it on her. Still did not want to have sex but I guess that is a step

 

[Miles Long]

last night she brought out the vibrator I got her and had me use it on her. Still did not want to have sex but I guess that is a step

I think that qualifies as having sex. I get the impression that you are defining sex only as penis-in-vagina. Getting out the vibrator and making your woman cum is a perfectly valid and lovely sexual experience. You two had sex. You were physically intimate. There's no reason to look down on last night as not being sex. Now if that's the ONLY thing you ever do, ok you have a beef. But sometimes it's ok to do some other things without penetration. Sometimes she can give you a blow job or jerk you off. Are you disappointed that it wouldn't be full on dick-in-the-pussy sex?

It seems like she is very reserved when it comes to sex, and that may mean you aren't compatible, but it sounds like there's still some potential here. Good luck!

 

[Amalec]

Well ordinarily I would say run for the bloody hills. But then, you're already married and I'm a pretty firm believer in that once you've walked that plank you owe the other at least your best in making it work.

So, my take would be to focus on intimacy. Bear in mind you haven't provided that much information and none of us know her the way you do - so cut and paste where appropriate!

First, buy a nice massage oil. Water based + edible + nice, light smell, etc.
Second, talk with her about your sex life - tell her you'd like to spend more time in the bedroom with her but that you think sex should wait a bit. This is to let her relax so she doesn't think you're trying to fuck her and back off whenever you touch her.
Third - take her out. nice dinner, flowers, wine - any/all of that.
Fourth, when you take her to bed, offer to give her a nice massage. Take your time, be gentle, tease but don't fondle. Neck to toes for best results, but you might have to get her there gradually if she's very shy/nervous. I'd suggest wearing a pair of shorts so you don't intimidate her, jeans would do alright too.

Repeat the fourth every night or as often as possible. Throw in dinners and wine and other nice things on days when its appropriate and possible. Take a shower or a bath with her if/when she gets comfortable with it. Move up to teasing/fingering/oral when it's clear she wants you to - and a massage from her feet up the backs of her thighs should have her wanting to relatively quickly. I'd avoid the vibrator for intimacy's sake - but of course don't deny the woman!

Keep at this for a couple of weeks. Keep the focus on her. Let her really, properly, relax. Tell her nice things about how awesome she is and how much you love her when your in bed with her, and stop telling her you need to fuck her 2-3 times a week. You're totally justified in expecting that kind of thing, but flat out putting pressure on her like that isn't going to open her up.

Ideally, by the end of it she'll be feeling comfortable with you and wanting to talk to you about sex. Try not to get caught up in the moment and fuck her, just kiss her and tell her that 'tonight's for her' but that you'd like to talk to her about it later. And make sure you talk to her about it!

If doesn't work, do everything SweetErika says. She's absolutely on the ball in all of it, I just prefer a less verbal approach first. Failing all that, try a marriage counselor.

What I can't stress enough here is that you are NOT looking for a compromise. Getting her to agree to fuck you x nights a week isn't the answer to anything; just a stepping stone to divorce. What you're looking for is an awakening; you need to bring your sex life into a place that's comfortable and fulfilling for both of you if you're going to be happy in your marriage.

 

[Vixandra]

Erika has the right if it- TALK TO HER!

She's supposed to be the person you promised to love, trust, etc. so why can't you? Or, if you're that painfully shy about talking about sex, write her a letter, let her read it while you're out of the house and talk about it at a set time afterward. If you can't talk to her, all the candles and massages in the world aren't going to start and keep your sex life, at least not one you want.

Do not start any habits you don't intend to keep- if you're going to give her a massage every few days or whathave you, you had better keep that up. Because if you stop, when she asks why- telling her you did it to get in her pants is going to get you in trouble. Fair or not it is. She'll resent you for stopping something she grew accustomed to enjoying and you'll get grief for it.

 

[Amalec]

Erika has the right if it- TALK TO HER!
. If you can't talk to her, all the candles and massages in the world aren't going to start and keep your sex life, at least not one you want.

I'd argue that if you can't get her to like and want to have sex, all the conversation in the world isn't going to lead to a happy sex life.

The point isn't to 'get into her pants', the point is to show her that sex is wonderful and that she can trust you.

 

[tenchikoi]

She may feel pressured and that can be a big turnoff if a woman is shy or inexperienced. Focus on her, not your end result. Sex isn't just penis in vagina. It's such a wide range of pleasurable activities that you both can enjoy. You could let her tie you down and do whatever she wants with you. That feelings of empowerment may be something she needs to feel sexually confident with you. Instead of saying 'I would like to have sex 2-3 times a week' you should rephrase it as 'It would be really nice if we could be closer in an intimate way'. Try to say things in a way your wife will understand and appreciate on an emotional level. Then she may be more inclined to meet your needs too.

 

[subp]

all gone

 

[Somehowyou]

That's all I can say...Good Luck! Every time I tried to interest my ex-wife in something new she called me a pervert. I tried movies, magazines, and reading her erotic stories. Nothing worked.
Of course, later I found out she was fucking someone else. I hope that's not your real problem.
You can try getting her to watch some soft porn before bed, see what that does.
As I said, "Good Luck."

LOL this is sooo fucking true. You are not alone.

Oh try the above and if this does not work put some E in wify's coffee.

 

[bailadora]

This may be totally out of left field, but the fact that she seems willing to do things other than PIV sex is a bit of a red flag for me. It may be that intercourse is either uncomfortable or downright painful for her, but she doesn't want to tell you because she feels guilty about it. It sounds a bit far fetched, but I know someone who had this same problem.

Whatever the case, you two have GOT to get the lines of communication open. If you can't learn to talk about things this early in your marriage, you're in for a world of hurt when really tough challenges come down the pipeline.

 

[Noor]

foreplay, maybe you are "having sex" too soon for her.

 

[nakdsub]

I have a suggestion

Why don't you have her read your thread here and the responses and see what she says. Between everyone who has responded, I think all, or at least most, of the bases have been covered.
I agree that a line of communication has to be open between you guys, but it has to be truthful communication. Show her what you wrote. Tell her you're very concerned. Making love to a married couple should be a lot more than just having sex, it should mean intimacy, something you only share with each other.
Tell her you're so concerned you came to this site for help. Show her what you wrote. Show her everyone's response. See what she says when she reads them.

 

[KatNW1]

Why don't you have her read your thread here and the responses and see what she says. Between everyone who has responded, I think all, or at least most, of the bases have been covered.
I agree that a line of communication has to be open between you guys, but it has to be truthful communication. Show her what you wrote. Tell her you're very concerned. Making love to a married couple should be a lot more than just having sex, it should mean intimacy, something you only share with each other.
Tell her you're so concerned you came to this site for help. Show her what you wrote. Show her everyone's response. See what she says when she reads them.

I'd be wary of this one if I were you. It's not bad advice, but given the situation she may be put off that you (1) came to this sort of site in the first place and (2) aired your concerns and solicited the advice of complete strangers (again, not a bad thing, but I'm not too sure how she'd view that).

 

[nakdsub]

Kat

You have a point, in fact, I was thinking the very same thing as I was writing the post. However, I believe the anonymity of a forum like this actually makes it the perfect place for just such a discussion.

Here is a man who is hurting and concerned. He can't very well go to his friends or parents with such an intimate problem. He is looking for advice, he needs help, where better to go.

I believe, if she is a reasonable person, she should be able to admit there is a problem and acknowledge her husbands concerns as well as the concerns SHE must also be having. She should be able to accept this for what it is...

A request from a man who loves his wife and is looking for ways to make their life better while still keeping their anonymity.

 

[subwannabe]

My God. Is this for real? How old are the two of you? Why on Earth did you get married? It sounds like you didn't have sex before being married, didn't have sex on your wedding night, and what in the world makes you think you are going to have sex now? This relationship was doomed before it even started and sorry, but has no hope now. Talking and communicating is for high school and college graduates while your relationship is at the preschool level. You have to learn your ABC's first before you can communicate. You should have never married this woman and I do also have to point out that any guy who expects his wife to have sex with him 2-3 times per week and "wont care if there are certain days she is not in the mood" doesn't deserve to have a woman anyway.

 

[JudyJ]

I've seen instances where a partner seemed to have little or no interest in sex and then after the splilt low and behold they end up with a same sex partner.

Did you ever consider she may be gay?

 

[Sam231]

Unsatisfying sex life?
Teaches you for getting married.

 

[bailadora]

My God. Is this for real? How old are the two of you? Why on Earth did you get married? It sounds like you didn't have sex before being married, didn't have sex on your wedding night, and what in the world makes you think you are going to have sex now? This relationship was doomed before it even started and sorry, but has no hope now. Talking and communicating is for high school and college graduates while your relationship is at the preschool level. You have to learn your ABC's first before you can communicate. You should have never married this woman and I do also have to point out that any guy who expects his wife to have sex with him 2-3 times per week and "wont care if there are certain days she is not in the mood" doesn't deserve to have a woman anyway.

Wow. Bitter, much?

With time, patience and encouragement, shy/inhibited people can learn to be comfortable with their sexuality. Did he marry the wrong woman? Maybe. Maybe not. Since we don't know much about this couple beyond the little that's been related here, I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume there's no hope left.

With very few exceptions, no of us are born knowing how to be great communicators. In some families, this skill is modeled and demonstrated frequently. In others, people were taught to avoid talking about their feelings. Like anything else, communication is a learned skill. It seems to me that the guy is genuinely trying, so instead of cutting him down, how about some compassion, hmm?

 

[Seamen]

If you really want this relationship to work, communication is the key. It is, really. You are hurtful today; you will be bitter tomorrow. The day after that, you will be abusive (mentally, physically, either or both. It only goes downhill from there.

There can be many reasons why she is not willing to open up about sexuality. She might come from a conservative background; it might have been put into her head that sex is sinful. If she won't let herself enjoy it, then she certainly won't be much interested in it.

I would suggest

1. don't pressure her for sex. It only makes you look bad, and it only makes her hate it even more. She's your wife for God's sake, not a $2 whore. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I assume here that she isn't one.

2. Never make her do anything she doesn't want to. She'll only resent you for it.

3. Intimacy is a precursor to sexual contact. It ought be best to develop intimacy at least on a physical level at first. Touch her, hold her, caress on a non-sexual level. Do things together which you both enjoy.

4. Encourage her to discover her own sexuality. Show her videos about female masturbation, orgasms, squirting and the like. Chances are, she'll also want to squeal with delight too

5. Worse comes to worse, consult a marriage counsellor. If you do love (?) this woman, you'll want to do everything in your power to make it work.

 

[Elaya]

If you really want this relationship to work, communication is the key.

She might come from a conservative background; it might have been put into her head that sex is sinful. If she won't let herself enjoy it, then she certainly won't be much interested in it.

I agree with what is said above. I know I had a very hard time coming to terms with sex not being a shameful thing. I still prefer to use toys, and have a hard time touching myself. GOing on the assumption that "shame" or some sort of guilt is holding her back... I offer the following thoughts:

Since you mention her interest in toys, I wonder if she's wanting to be more sexual, but just has no idea on how to go about it. Those womens magazines aren't really all that helpful. Videos are a good idea, but may still seem too outrageous for someone so inexperienced. Though another suggestion there, is give her the freedom to watch an instructional/erotic video in private. I find there can be an uncomfortable pressure/tension when I'm trying to learn something someone else already knows about. Then perhaps re watch the video along with her. Or heck.. give her the choice.. to do a first run solo or with you. I'd start looking on this bord and ask other ladies opinions of good introductory videos that are somewhat... instructional or somesuch. There's an adult store called "Good for her", it might be worth calling them to talk to someone on their reccomendations. There were also a series of videos I cam across on youtube that looked very respectful, Pleasure mechanics I believe, that use only reproductions and dildos for their massage instruction, which again takes away from the "smut" factor. I would suggest a very adult, vanilla so to speak book on sex, ie "the joys of sex" or a nice edition of the Karma Sutra. Go check out what's available at your nearest bookstores, and often good adult stores will have a respectable selection. I'm extra lucky.. I live near a major library that has an incredible collection.. though honestly it kinda creeps me out.. like borrowing someone elses adult magazines...

I see alot of people reccomend taking someone out for dinner. And yes that's nice, you feel taken care of, worth their money and time.. but .. somehow that's never worked for getting me into bed per say. Instead, plan to make a super gourmet meal at home together. Something very fancy that you might get at a very expensive restaurant, aka roast rack of lamb or some such. Try to make it look as fancy as it tastes. The key here being, the act of doing something new together creates intimacy, and so does all the flirting and joking that will hopefully happen while cooking and eating. Assuming you're pairing this with a very good wine.. leave the dishes until tomorrow.. and then the bedroom is right there! Even if it is just for play. And hopefully she'll come to enjoy giving you pleasure, perhaps through massage first (again.. check out the PM video.. whoa!).

That's all I can say. But I also think showing her this site, at some point, might be useful, as there is all kinds of info on here that might help her with her with whatever might be bothering her. Especially the Big blue/Newbies book of answers (if that's what it was called) will a list of previous forum topics.

Finally, when you are talking (and it's a lot easier to talk honestly when you're very tipsy.. lovely inhibitions falling away... bye bye!!... .. try that one!!!) see if she can honestly say.. because you are trying to understand her, what is throwing her about sex. I've heard of some women being thrown off by the gooey ness and icky factor of having semen inside your body (so towel on the bed, and nice warm bath or shower after.. ) or the "I want to but I don't know how to /what I even want", ect ect. She may just need a positive and healthy viewpoint on sex itself. She may have no idea how to view it as healthy, wholesome, fulfilling and fun.

Anyway. Good luck.

 

[Elaya]

Just thought of something else... early on in my relation ship.. I can't remember exactly what the scenario was.. buy my bf found a funny way of say.. "honey... I'm a GUY.... just tell me what you want me to do"... his way of saying that.. I can't always read you.. if I'm not getting it.. please.. just say it! Which kind gave me a sort of freedom. Also.. perhaps.. maybe have some sort of code.. I know that sounds silly.. but.. how much easier is it to kill the mood than to say.. .. K baby i'm kinda horny ... let's go?" Some people can make a game of it, but not all. So maybe.. I dunno. If she thinks you're missing her slight signals, something more direct, but not too forward as to kill the mood or be above her shyness.. a kiss on the hand might be innocent enough to fall in the range of what a "I"m not suppose to want this" mentality might allow.