Gerald's Infidelity
- Thread starter jessy19
- Start date
Seattle Zack
Count each one
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- Aug 29, 2003
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Jessy, if you post a link to your story (Gerald's Infidelity) it makes it much easier for people to find and comment on it.
It did get the coveted "E" rating, so it must be pretty good. I'll check it out.
--Zack
It did get the coveted "E" rating, so it must be pretty good. I'll check it out.
--Zack
jessy19
Literotica Guru
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- May 13, 2003
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oops sorry about not posting the link
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=111246
there is is *s* It got an "E" but I don't seem to be getting much feedback. I guess because it is more of a story than just sex.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=111246
there is is *s* It got an "E" but I don't seem to be getting much feedback. I guess because it is more of a story than just sex.
A7inchPhildo
imaginary friend
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2003
- Posts
- 1,848
A bit more discriptive words may make the story flow smoother and take some of the harshness out of each abrupt sentence. more so in the begining.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
"You know how much I hate leave you Elle, but I do have to get going.
___________
lost a "to" ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Elle was relieved for a minute that her mother would not interrogate her with questions of he married lover,
_________________
"her"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Margo walked her husband out and watched him leave. She knew he was a busy.
_____________
"Man"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The story was a different balace. I liked it, but in general I like to be brought up to the sex, Sex, then a bit of after moments. I could sense the ending in the first few sections and this leads me to think you were hungry to get to the end. I would have liked you to gave more feeling in the begining.
I think with such a sexless ending you might have wanted to gave more of the impression He was about to embark on some other great adventures even to place a bit of what might yet come. Like a carrot to inspire more votes or feedback.
Tough story I like the read and the content. Realy not sexy, not deeply erotic. Still it was a good story as far as keeping me interested and I did not lose my thought pattern. I knew who each character was even when you placed quotes before the notification of character and I am not fond of that.
I'll let others tell you about grammer stuff. Category more of cheating wives. I assume you chose novel for future parts.
Good stuff needs to just be a bit more erotic. In My Opinion
I will enjoy reading a follow up story.
Phil
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
"You know how much I hate leave you Elle, but I do have to get going.
___________
lost a "to" ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Elle was relieved for a minute that her mother would not interrogate her with questions of he married lover,
_________________
"her"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Margo walked her husband out and watched him leave. She knew he was a busy.
_____________
"Man"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The story was a different balace. I liked it, but in general I like to be brought up to the sex, Sex, then a bit of after moments. I could sense the ending in the first few sections and this leads me to think you were hungry to get to the end. I would have liked you to gave more feeling in the begining.
I think with such a sexless ending you might have wanted to gave more of the impression He was about to embark on some other great adventures even to place a bit of what might yet come. Like a carrot to inspire more votes or feedback.
Tough story I like the read and the content. Realy not sexy, not deeply erotic. Still it was a good story as far as keeping me interested and I did not lose my thought pattern. I knew who each character was even when you placed quotes before the notification of character and I am not fond of that.
I'll let others tell you about grammer stuff. Category more of cheating wives. I assume you chose novel for future parts.
Good stuff needs to just be a bit more erotic. In My Opinion
I will enjoy reading a follow up story.
Phil
Rainbow Skin
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2002
- Posts
- 514
I'm afraid I found it very stilted. Everything except the erotica seemed to be straight off 1950s American TV commercials: the stylized family, the grey-haired doctor, the mention of favourite meatloaf, the beautiful two-storey home (mentioned but not described), the daughter in a ponytail, the other mother in glasses and crossed arms...
There is no invention in any of that. You just took pre-existing images and stuck them in to convey the effect by shorthand. He's a doctor, so let's make him grey-haired. Let's convey normal, loving family life at breakfast by adding every corny image together: drinking coffee, reading paper, eating eggs, kids saying goodbye, wife smiling, looking at watch to see the time...
You need to write the stories yourself, not just clip together Meccano pieces. Make the people individuals, not the generic son, the generic old woman, the generic 46-year-old man, the generic best friend.
There is no invention in any of that. You just took pre-existing images and stuck them in to convey the effect by shorthand. He's a doctor, so let's make him grey-haired. Let's convey normal, loving family life at breakfast by adding every corny image together: drinking coffee, reading paper, eating eggs, kids saying goodbye, wife smiling, looking at watch to see the time...
You need to write the stories yourself, not just clip together Meccano pieces. Make the people individuals, not the generic son, the generic old woman, the generic 46-year-old man, the generic best friend.
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
It's nice to see such a plot-driven story, even if the plot is unlikely in the extreme: there's simply no way that his wife could know about his problem and he wouldn't. And Elle's reaction at the end seems totally out of character and highly contrived. Still, it all wraps up into a satisfying little morality tale.
The fact is that we don't see many highly-plotted stories on Lit, and the ability to come up with complete 'stories' like this is a gift. The hard part is blending the plot with the sex; making it so that the sex is integral to the story and not just gratuitous. This story would hgave worked just as well without the graphic sex scenes, and since their not integral to the story they do have a tacked-on feel, sort of a "Well, it's time for the graphic sex scene" kind of thing.
Because the story occurs over a realtively long stretch of time and in various places, it was a good idea to present the story as a series of vignettes. Some of them seemed unnecessary though. I didn't understand the necessity of the first scene when he went home and refused his daughter permission to go to the dance, nor the one of Elle and her mother. I think you were using them to fill in information about their characters and the worlds they lived in, but that probably could have been acomplished in the context of the other, pre-existing scenes.
I don't usually go after grammatical errors and spelling, but Rayanne tells Elle that her plans are "despiteful". I think the word you want is "spiteful".
As for the writing, as usual Rainbow Skin is on the money. You've got to guard against relying too much on cliche, both in scene and language.
My biggest beef, though, is with the sex scenes, which I found very unsexy. There's simply no sensuality there, and no real sense of pleasure or desire, none of what makes sex so great. Worse, you have a habit of dropping a strikingly ugly word into the action every so often:
---------------------
"Gerald's tongue plunged into his wife's fuck hole wiggling in and out furiously. Margo's petite body squirmed on the bed. She unbuttoned the top of her gown to let her breasts free. Her nipples were already hard and she played with them; pinching on them and trying to get them into her mouth while her husband ate her pussy."
-----------------------
"Fuck hole" is an especially unappealing term, and "ate her pussy" hardly describes the sensual pleasure of oral sex. Gerals isn't a lover: he's a gash hound.
A sex scene gives an author so much opportunity for describing character and the nuances of a relationship. There are so many ways of describing love-making--what's done, how it's done, the lovers' responses, their thoughts and feelings--and you really should try and take advantage of it.
Better sex scenes would give the story a lot more erotic power, and would make the sex an integral part of the story.
---dr.M.
The fact is that we don't see many highly-plotted stories on Lit, and the ability to come up with complete 'stories' like this is a gift. The hard part is blending the plot with the sex; making it so that the sex is integral to the story and not just gratuitous. This story would hgave worked just as well without the graphic sex scenes, and since their not integral to the story they do have a tacked-on feel, sort of a "Well, it's time for the graphic sex scene" kind of thing.
Because the story occurs over a realtively long stretch of time and in various places, it was a good idea to present the story as a series of vignettes. Some of them seemed unnecessary though. I didn't understand the necessity of the first scene when he went home and refused his daughter permission to go to the dance, nor the one of Elle and her mother. I think you were using them to fill in information about their characters and the worlds they lived in, but that probably could have been acomplished in the context of the other, pre-existing scenes.
I don't usually go after grammatical errors and spelling, but Rayanne tells Elle that her plans are "despiteful". I think the word you want is "spiteful".
As for the writing, as usual Rainbow Skin is on the money. You've got to guard against relying too much on cliche, both in scene and language.
My biggest beef, though, is with the sex scenes, which I found very unsexy. There's simply no sensuality there, and no real sense of pleasure or desire, none of what makes sex so great. Worse, you have a habit of dropping a strikingly ugly word into the action every so often:
---------------------
"Gerald's tongue plunged into his wife's fuck hole wiggling in and out furiously. Margo's petite body squirmed on the bed. She unbuttoned the top of her gown to let her breasts free. Her nipples were already hard and she played with them; pinching on them and trying to get them into her mouth while her husband ate her pussy."
-----------------------
"Fuck hole" is an especially unappealing term, and "ate her pussy" hardly describes the sensual pleasure of oral sex. Gerals isn't a lover: he's a gash hound.
A sex scene gives an author so much opportunity for describing character and the nuances of a relationship. There are so many ways of describing love-making--what's done, how it's done, the lovers' responses, their thoughts and feelings--and you really should try and take advantage of it.
Better sex scenes would give the story a lot more erotic power, and would make the sex an integral part of the story.
---dr.M.
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
Rainbow Skin said:
"You need to write the stories yourself, not just clip together Meccano pieces."
What's a "Meccano piece"? (I have a feeling that I'm missing something obvious here.)
---dr.M.
"You need to write the stories yourself, not just clip together Meccano pieces."
What's a "Meccano piece"? (I have a feeling that I'm missing something obvious here.)
---dr.M.
Last edited:
jessy19
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 13, 2003
- Posts
- 603
Thank you all for the feedback. Oh my I didn't know I did That bad! lol
Just so you all know this is a true story that did happen to someone I know. I may have exaterrgated a little on some things but it is all true. There is a Gerald Gordon out there of course name was changed to protect the innocent.
I am a very old fashioned gal who grew up with these "morals" drilled in my head about how a family should be and yeah I guess I do have the tendancy to use 50's cliche.
I'm sorry this story wasn't very erotic. Maybe I should have not even included the sex scenes and put it on the "non erotic" section.
There won't be anymore to this story unfortunatly. I just put it under "novels and novellas" because it's more of a novella kinda like a drama.
thank you all again. *s*
Just so you all know this is a true story that did happen to someone I know. I may have exaterrgated a little on some things but it is all true. There is a Gerald Gordon out there of course name was changed to protect the innocent.
I am a very old fashioned gal who grew up with these "morals" drilled in my head about how a family should be and yeah I guess I do have the tendancy to use 50's cliche.
I'm sorry this story wasn't very erotic. Maybe I should have not even included the sex scenes and put it on the "non erotic" section.
There won't be anymore to this story unfortunatly. I just put it under "novels and novellas" because it's more of a novella kinda like a drama.
thank you all again. *s*
