Genuine dommes

[Velvet_Thunder]

Do they even exist anymore?

All you seem to get is women who just see it as a chance to make a quick buck, or some new shoes.

Are there any real dommes who do it because they love it? Or have they gone extinct?

 

[supercollider00]

They definitely exist, but are difficult to find

 

[Velvet_Thunder]

They definitely exist, but are difficult to find

Rarer than white horse shit if you ask me!

 

[supercollider00]

I think keeping a positive and realistic outlook is important personally. Complaining about it probably makes it a lot less likely as well

 

[wildchild24143]

I think the findommes give the real Dommes a bad name. The lifestyle is about having a deep connection with someone, not making money. I think the monetization of D/s is a very sad and unfortunate thing.

 

[mastertony04]

I think the findommes give the real Dommes a bad name. The lifestyle is about having a deep connection with someone, not making money. I think the monetization of D/s is a very sad and unfortunate thing.

I really appreciate this.. I mean if you want to check the commitment of sub.. Then earn it with your power and your personality not by money...

 

[subCaptain72]

I believe they're the "Great White Buffalo" of 'Hot Tub Time Machines.'

 

[Stevew0073]

They do exist but are hard to spot maybe not always hard to find. You may not know when you are chatting with one because the moment it is revealed they are dominant some men go crazy and harass them. Just chat and enjoy a conversation and let life lead you. Posting only about this might cause lady to look the other way, chat and be engaged.

 

[lady_jennaxx]

Bump for a worthy pursuit

 

[AnnieLit]

Well, depends on what you call a "domme".

Somebody who you see once a month just to get the steam out? Probably there are women like that, but I would not think there are too many of them. For this you most likely do have to pay.

A single (or not) woman that would date a man AND who happened to like being on the dominant side in the bedroom? There are quite a few of those. But here I am talking about relationship first, kinks later.

Online only? I think there are few on Lit, but I would think their plates are more than full.

 

[lilcuriouscatt]

And the flip side is a Domme trying to find a sub that wants a real relationship and not just a j/o roleplay.

 

[Eloquent_Hedonist]

I definitely agree that the monetisation culture around femdom is problematic for those searching, but I think you can have true D/s connections that aren't based around a long/deep connection. My first dominant was a very ad-hoc relationship but I think it was fulfilling for the both of us.

When it comes to finding genuine D/s relationships I can't attest to much as my search is ongoing. However one thing I have noticed in conversations with dominants and looking at subs' personal ads is that there seems to be a misalignment in approach. The experienced/true dominants I have spoken to appear to prefer things to develop organically from threads or other conversation, whilst many subs appear to favour a very direct approach either by posting/bumping personal ads or directly messaging dominants with a very overt presentation.

Potentially resolving this disparity would help matchmake more good D/s relationships through Lit.

Just some thoughts This is an interesting thread topic and I'm keen to hear other people's perspectives.

EH

 

[AnnieLit]

When it comes to finding genuine D/s relationships I can't attest to much as my search is ongoing. However one thing I have noticed in conversations with dominants and looking at subs' personal ads is that there seems to be a misalignment in approach. The experienced/true dominants I have spoken to appear to prefer things to develop organically from threads or other conversation, whilst many subs appear to favour a very direct approach either by posting/bumping personal ads or directly messaging dominants with a very overt presentation.

Potentially resolving this disparity would help matchmake more good D/s relationships through Lit.

Just some thoughts This is an interesting thread topic and I'm keen to hear other people's perspectives.

EH

Interesting observation...
You are a male submissive, right? And I assume the many subs that favour the direct approach that you are talking about are also males... I suspect it might have something to do with the male/female way of thinking, D or s does not matter here.

I am a switch, but on Lit I mostly present as a sub. Or at least this is the only type of relationship I am interested in as my d-side is perfectly satisfied at home.

Out of all the Doms I ever talked to in PMs in a more than just friendly way, ALL approached me, not the other way around. And almost all of them did it after exchanging maybe two words with me somewhere else, if that. They did read my posts here and there, so it does pay off to be active, but we never talked directly in the open. Which does not mean that we went at it right away, there still alway was time to get to know each other, but it was not done on the boards.

People that I call friends and who happen to be doms, with them we did chat a lot in the threads, sometimes switching to PMs, most times not.

I placed an ad as a sub not too long ago, but had to take it down -- people that answered it wanted to move way too quickly for me.

 

[Eloquent_Hedonist]

Yes you are right, and I do broadly agree that it is more common, however I have seen plenty of threads and responses by female subs as well that are quite direct, so I would posit that it might also be due to their experience and/or preference for a casual or committed relationship.

Having experience from both ends of the stick (pun guiltily intended), and as a female dominant, if you were to engage over this medium to find a sub do you think you'd find the personals that are commonly presented appealing or would you defer to a more informal/organic process like that which you outline for your submissive lit relationships.

I think a key difference there is that female subs are most likely in more demand than male subs, as I have never been approached by a female dominant from either my personals or activity for the purpose of engaging in an arrangement. This may be a false assumption, and I'd appreciate other's thoughts, but I also think that those male dominants have a higher tolerance for inexperienced subs, while female dominants prefer those who have demonstrable prior experience.

I do agree that the social element is key. While I have posted a personal and I don't agree in being duplicitous or trying to covertly shift social conversation into a submissive position, I see this medium similarly to the club scene where interactions have to develop out of a social chemistry. In another thread there was discussion of setting up a board/thread specifically for this kind of thing.

That's understandable and it must be frustrating to be bombarded with, for want of a better term, bad dominants.

Hopefully everyone participating in this chat can find the person that is right for them

EH

 

[AnnieLit]

Having experience from both ends of the stick (pun guiltily intended), and as a female dominant, if you were to engage over this medium to find a sub do you think you'd find the personals that are commonly presented appealing or would you defer to a more informal/organic process like that which you outline for your submissive lit relationships.

I think a key difference there is that female subs are most likely in more demand than male subs, as I have never been approached by a female dominant from either my personals or activity for the purpose of engaging in an arrangement. This may be a false assumption, and I'd appreciate other's thoughts, but I also think that those male dominants have a higher tolerance for inexperienced subs, while female dominants prefer those who have demonstrable prior experience.
EH

Sorry, I can't speak for online Dommes, all of my experience comes only from real life. I tried it couple times here, both times guys had zero experience both in RL and online. But I just could not do it -- for me to dominate, to make this really work, I need much more feedback than it is possible to get during online play. I can role play a scene or two, but only as long as I don't really care much about the person on the other end if the conversation. As soon as I start carrying, it gets very frustrating to know that I could make it so much better for both of us, but not be able to actually do it.

 

[Eloquent_Hedonist]

Sorry, I can't speak for online Dommes, all of my experience comes only from real life. I tried it couple times here, both times guys had zero experience both in RL and online. But I just could not do it -- for me to dominate, to make this really work, I need much more feedback than it is possible to get during online play. I can role play a scene or two, but only as long as I don't really care much about the person on the other end if the conversation. As soon as I start carrying, it gets very frustrating to know that I could make it so much better for both of us, but not be able to actually do it.

That’s fair enough, I appreciate your honesty. Tbh I’m in a similar boat with almost all my prior experience being IRL, and transitioning these kinds of interactions to a digital medium is quite the shift.

To circle back to the crux of VT’s thread, it seems there are genuine domme’s on Lit (albeit probably less than the number of subs). Could you, or any other long time lit users, recommend any particularly active threads outside of personals that may help newbies get involved with the social elements of this community? I for one have become lost in the forest of nested boards and threads

EH

 

[AnnieLit]

.

To circle back to the crux of VT’s thread, it seems there are genuine domme’s on Lit (albeit probably less than the number of subs). Could you, or any other long time lit users, recommend any particularly active threads outside of personals that may help newbies get involved with the social elements of this community? I for one have become lost in the forest of nested boards and threads

EH

By local standards I am rather new here too
But as far as where to go, pick up any topic on the BDSM board or BDSM cafe and start talking to people the way you just did here.

Again, I am probably a wrong person to ask as I am absolutely not an online domme, so there is always a chance that the real ones are looking for something different, but to me people that can hold a normal conversation are much more attractive than those that send me unsolicited high protocol PMs. I used to get mad at them, even if I am a Domme, I am not your domme!!, so it is rather presumptuous to talk to me like that. That was until I realized that most of them had absolutely no idea what they were talking about.

So don't be discouraged too much by the m to f ratio here. Yes, there are many more men, but at least on the bdsm side of things most of these men are, how should I say it... Not the ones anybody would want to talk to

Edit. Example of what NOT to do.
Just got a message on a different site from a self proclaimed dom 17 years younger than me:"I'd love to give u head babe I'm n <name of a town not far from me>"
This is his very first message, an introduction.
Still think you don't have a chance? Compared to that?

 

[ydahecnot]

They seem to be few and far between on Lit, but they were sublime back in the day. Being a male, one has to consider adding some switchiness to his subbiness. And really, giving what you enjoy getting isn’t that hard an adjustment

 

[Eloquent_Hedonist]

Very good advice indeed, although in doing this I often suffer from an agony of choice

I'd guess they share your views. Since BDSM is fundamentally about willingly consenting to giving/taking control I would have to assume anyone acting in that way has little genuine understanding/interest.

I think that's where the socialising/conversational element is important, to make yourself stand out from those kinds of users.

Oh dear, I find it quite baffling that they write that and genuinely believe: "This will be successful"

EH

 

[MissAshleyToYou]

I consider myself a domme... but as of late have been looking for someone who can... when asked ...take charge.

But still the level of commitment was the same.

To find a true sub or sub/switch.. to me..takes time.

Its not just me telling someone to stroke their cock for me the first day we meet.

I want to know everything on a very personal and deep connection.

Because in the end.... I will own your brain. Your heart. And your cock.

Sadly here theres so many posers... one offs. It may take me a week to decide if I even want to own a cock... and people do not understand and just want to cum.
Its not about that.
Its for me. In the end. Not for you. If im not enjoying it..why would I be doing it.

 

[Eloquent_Hedonist]

It seems like we've found the answer to VT's question. Hopefully genuine dominants and submissives can find this and eventually find each other.

I get what you mean about appreciating the mind before the body Miss Ashley, it seems to me that if you want a kinky wank just load up Milovana or Omegle.

Your search must be particularly frustrating, as from what I understand many people pretend to be switches who are either fully one side or vanilla people who are curious for a bit of slap and tickle.

All the best for your search by the way, as to everyone reading this

EH

 

[lady_jennaxx]

What many others have already said is true. It is exceedingly difficult to find anyone genuine here.

The majority of those who come to the site are looking for the "one off" experience, whether they are honest enough to admit it or not. Unfortunately, so many feel that those that they engage with on Lit, aren't actual people, lol. They don't think twice about presenting themselves a certain way to obtain what they seek, or they aren't even sure what it is they want which makes it nearly impossible for them to know what they're looking for.

Just my .02, of course.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

There are indeed both Dommes and switches around here. Most of them don't advertise it because they don't want to deal with the influx of idiots who inevitably wind up in their PMs when they do say something publicly.

A few words of advice:

• Know if you're a bottom or a sub, and say so.
• Know if you want a hookup or a relationship (or something in between), and be up front about it.
• If you want more than a one-off, for fuck's sake, have something to offer besides your dick.
• Know how to sell yourself to your target audience.
• Know the difference between taking the initiative and being aggressively thirsty. Don't be thirsty.
• Know where to look for the kind of partner who wants a partner like you. (Annie's advice to get involved in the BDSM boards is good.)
• If you're going to place an ad, be specific about who you are, what you want and don't want, and who you're looking for.
• Put a link to your ad and a brief description in your sig.

Honestly, if all you want is someone to get you off before you go to work, you'll have much more success looking on the GLBT or Fetish boards for another horny dude who will be happy to top you for the next ten minutes. If you want the female Domme experience, I'm sure there are creative guys who can make that happen for you as well.

If you want more than that, be prepared to invest time and energy in getting to know someone, and be willing to converse on subjects other than sex.