Gentlemen's club chapter 7: Lucy Feedback

[Nightscream89]

Chapter 7 of my story is out:
https://www.literotica.com/s/gc-ch-07-lucy

It continues the story of Chris, Silvia, Lucy and Jennifer. This chapter there is more focus on Lucy.
For the sex scenes it contains a girl's first time, a lesbian scene as well as a threesome.

As a straight man, some scenes were challanging to write, so I hope I got it right.

Any feedback is highly appreciated!

 

[Just_Jeremy]

Alright, so I'm reading through your stories and I'm seeing a few things that immediately come to mind in terms of the writing itself. It is very stiff and doesn't flow smoothly. There is a lot of "A did this." "B did this because of *thing*." and it's not allowing your story to flow as nicely as I think you want it to.

For instance, let's look at your first paragraph-

Chris pulls up to Jeremy's villa, it's Sunday afternoon, Jeremy has invited him over to watch his old baseball team play. He notices Paul's car already parked, next to it is Vivienne's bike. A couple more cars are parked on the grounds, although Chris figures most of them are Jeremy's own cars. Jeremy has a pretty nice villa with plenty of parking spots on the grounds, although it is still significantly smaller than Chris's own home. Chris parks his car and grabs the bottle of Glen Garioch whiskey, it was around a thousand dollars, a great drink for a special occasion.

You're using action-y verbs, which is GOOD, but this is what I mean by "Here is A. Because B. To do C.". It gets the ideas across, but it's clunky.

Let's look at it again with a few slight revisions-

Sunday afternoon, Chris pulled up to Jeremy's villa, [where he'd been] invited to watch his old baseball team play. Notic[ing] Paul's car already parked next to Vivienne's bike, Chris figures most of the others parked on the grounds are Jeremy's own. Although it is still significantly smaller than Chris's own home, Jeremy has a pretty nice villa with plenty of parking spots on the grounds. Chris parks his car and grabs the bottle of Glen Garioch whiskey, [worth] around a thousand dollars, a great drink for a special occasion.

Now, you'll see here that I used your own words as much as possible, with the [exceptions being marked like this]. A few phrases got shifted around, but everything is pretty much just how you wrote it.

If this were MY story, I'd say go back in and add some more details at this point. You did that with the whiskey and it stands out because of that. What kind of car does Chris drive? Does Paul drive a VW Bug or a Masarati? Is Vivienne's bike an electric mountain bike, Harley or Nagasaki Crotch Ripper 3000? Does Jeremy collect Reliant Robins in his driveway? Is Jeremy's home in the hills? A valley? Wide open or trees? These last three can give you later ideas for outdoor 'events' in later stories if you know them but don't go into berserk levels of detail, simply "Jeremy's secluded villa on the wooded hillside" is enough.

When I do my first drafts, they look like your story. Very raw, get it down and on paper stuff. You've got a great foundation started. Keep going!

Other advice is pretty standard- on the initial edit, try to go through and take out all the "to be" verbs (am, is are, was, were, be, been, being). This will force you to rewrite your sentences, but will give your stuff more punch.

Looking forward to seeing what you do next!