Gay Woman & Straight Man

[cpicass0]

Ok here's my situation, hopefully I will get some good, constructive feedback from all of you. So sorry about the length. I promise I did not start out intending to write a novel.

I have a male friend whom I've known for about a year. We're buddies. This guy, my male roommate and myself are like the three musketeers, all but inseperable.

So on Easter weekend of this year, we all went out to a local gay bar, just to drink and play pool etc. We've been there for a while and the alcohol is flowing. For some reason I kiss my roomie, just a peck. Then I lean over and kiss my guy friend, and what I meant to be a peck turned into a lot more. (At this point let me say that I have almost all guy friends, some gay, some straight, and I have kissed most of them. Some with, others without tongue. And usually, no matter how skilled or good looking they are, I get nothing, like I might as well be doing laundry.) So in this kiss, which was very nicely done, I felt two things I never feel, and absolutely never feel together, 100% safe and 100% comfortable.

I freaked out as soon as I sobered up the next morning. I have been out of the closet for 12 years and what I knew to be true, that I only like women was suddenly turned on it's ear. So I discussed it with my support system which really consists of two guys, one said "Jump on it" and the other wisely told me that the only lables we have to conform to are the ones we attach to ourselves.

So I stewed for over a month on this single kiss. During that time my guy friend came over to crash after a late night and wound up in my room offering to be my sex slave if I wanted. I just sent his drunk butt to bed on the couch! lol

On a weekend that my roomie and his partner were out of town I asked him over, determined to find out if the feelings in that kiss were imagined or not. We hung out and played video games (we're gamers) for most of the night. Finally, shaking and generally terrified, I asked him to kiss me again. He did and it was very nice, and I got a less intense version of the safe and comfortable feelings. Afterward, I told him about the whole thing, all of my freaking out over it. We went downstairs and smoked, and talked about it. He asked me if I'd ever had sex with a guy and I told him yes, but that it had bee 12 years, and had been awkward HS sex. Then he said if you ever want to, just let me know.

I went to bed and just lay there, not able to quiet my mind enough to sleep. Thinking that he was right across the hall and that if I wanted to do something that the time was now. I somehow got up the nerve to cross the hall. Asked him if we'd still be friends if we fooled around and made him promise to talk about any wierd feelings that might come up. We had sex, he was wonderful, very careful of me, asking if I was ok etc.

At that point I thought it would be an experiment. I asked him to keep it to himself, so that we wouldn't be razzed by my roomie. He agreed.

It has since turned out to be more than a one nighter. Every time I see the man I want to jump on him. It's so wierd!

We've had the conversation about commitment and are doing the "friends with benefits" thing. I told him that I wasn't after a commitment, and was just enjoying myself. Which is true.
I do like him and there are certainly feelings involved. We're friends who have become very physically close. I've done things with him that I NEVER thought I would do. I trust him completely, which is hard for me. I tend to plaster myself against him in bed (I'm usually not a big cuddler) even though I hate being hot and the man puts off heat like a space heater on high.

So here is the whole point of the novella. The other morning, we were having sex and he grabbed my hand and laced his fingers with mine. I got an "Uh Oh!" feeling. Like maybe there is more there for him.

Or maybe I'm lying to myself, and/or just can't get by the lesbian thing long enough to admit to myself that I might be developing feelings myself.

 

[CJontherocks]

I personally like a lot of intimacy with sex. Regardless of whether it's foolin' around sex with someone I don't feel commited to or someone I'm in love with. There's a warmth that you don't get with monkey sex and I like that warmth, that intimacy.

I also think it's perfectly natural to develop feelings for someone you've been sexually intimate with. Doesn't mean you're gonna marry 'em or even that you have to.

I'm not gay, but I did believe I was straight once. And it freaked me out a little when I began to desire an "intimate" encounter with a man. Did you like it? Would you like it again? The sex (M or F) in my opinion, has little to do with whether you're willing to allow yourself to have feelings for a person (but remember, this is coming from a bisexual man).

Intimacy shouldn't be scary. It should be warm. But you're probably right... guys are pretty good at one-nighters but if you give it to 'em twice, they tend to get all mushy.

 

[fauconier]

gay woman & straight man

Hi,

I can't speak from an experience similar to yours since I'm male and straight. But I've had several lesbian friends in my life. With one of them, some erotic tension developed between us that I think definitely surprised both of us. We did not follow through on this, and our interactions on this level were limited to flirtation only without physical contact. For one thing, we both had steady partners and I (and I'm sure she) wanted to remain faithful. For my part, I just plain liked her as a person---her sense of humor, her feistiness, and so on. From what signs she gave me, I think she felt safe with me and trusted me. Feeling 'safe' is a very important factor, all the more so if one has been hurt in the past. From what I now read years later, I understand that it's actually very common for both gay and straight women and men to be attracted to people of a gender or orientation that disturbs them because it does not reflect who they thought they were. It may also call into question their assumptions of what they believed those people different from themselves were like. All the more so if the attraction is both very strong and scarily unexpected. There have been several prominent lesbian and gay writers and activists who, to everyone's surprise including their own, ultimately found themselves falling in love with an opposite-gendered partner. 'Coming out' about their new relationship was difficult ('coming out' for a second time!), and the hostility they often faced from members of their own communities was sometimes intense. This is just so sad. I wonder what people's love lives would look like if we all just stopped categorizing ourselves and others, making no demands that either they or we follow a pre-scripted path? Sexuality may be much more fluid than we've been led to believe, and gender attraction seems to be on a continuum rather than on the two extremes that most people recognize. Maybe when we truly fall in love, we fall for a whole person, with the outer 'package' being only one ingredient in the mix. One of the writers I've heard of is named Athena Douris---she tells her story in an article in a magazine called Libido. Here's her link to her article if you're interested: http://www.libidomag.com/nakedbrunch/archive/athena01.html
I found her discussion of her experiences and challenges to be honest and very moving. I know you' re not planning to change your lifestyle or have a committed relationship with your friend, but I truly hope that all of your friendships are caring and compassionate no matter who they're with. And no one can have too many caring friends. Take care. : )

 

[cpicass0]

Wonderful post fauconier! Thank you very much for the link, I will check it out.

As for plans, I don't know where it might lead. I am perfectly content when I am with him, but the problems come up when I am alone and have the opportunity to pick it apart.

Thanks again!

 

[Wolfman1982]

Wonderful post fauconier! Thank you very much for the link, I will check it out.

As for plans, I don't know where it might lead. I am perfectly content when I am with him, but the problems come up when I am alone and have the opportunity to pick it apart.

Thanks again!

Just enjoy it

I think I have said it before, but I know a person who is male, but one of his two partners are a lesbian, and well they like eachother, and yeah I think it is confusing her too, that she has feelings for him. But labels schmabels. Just enjoy it, that is what I can say about it.

 

[Samuelx]

This could never work, sorry.

 

[Etoile]

I believe that sexuality is fluid. I was thinking about this just this morning, looking at the Susie Bright section of my bookshelf. For many years, she was a lesbian - even writing books like "Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World" - but now she is happily married to a man.

Was she lying to herself all those years? Was she a bisexual? No, because she loved women, had relationships with women, and - most importantly - identified as a lesbian. But people change, and at some point she fell in love with a man. So now she's either bisexual or straight (I haven't checked), but that doesn't negate the fact that she was once a lesbian.

The difficult part of something like this is changing your identity. It sounds to me like you're falling for this guy, and there's nothing wrong with that. You will just have to reconcile your lesbian past with your present feelings. It's not easy, but it is basic - that is, it's not complicated. If you think you love this guy, it's perfectly okay to do that. It's just a matter of deciding how you want to identify, and integrating that choice into your view of yourself.

 

[fauconier]

gay woman & straight man

cpicassO,

You're more than welcome, and thanks so much for your kind words. Your initial post was so honest, brave, and from the heart that I wanted to give you the most thoughtful and (hopefully) helpful response that I could. You deserve that---and more. Life can be so confusing and difficult for *all* of us---but it's a lot easier when we help one another along the way. I wish you all the best.

 

[PredatorSmile]

Ok here's my situation, hopefully I will get some good, constructive feedback from all of you. So sorry about the length. I promise I did not start out intending to write a novel.

I have a male friend whom I've known for about a year. We're buddies. This guy, my male roommate and myself are like the three musketeers, all but inseperable.

So on Easter weekend of this year, we all went out to a local gay bar, just to drink and play pool etc. We've been there for a while and the alcohol is flowing. For some reason I kiss my roomie, just a peck. Then I lean over and kiss my guy friend, and what I meant to be a peck turned into a lot more. (At this point let me say that I have almost all guy friends, some gay, some straight, and I have kissed most of them. Some with, others without tongue. And usually, no matter how skilled or good looking they are, I get nothing, like I might as well be doing laundry.) So in this kiss, which was very nicely done, I felt two things I never feel, and absolutely never feel together, 100% safe and 100% comfortable.

I freaked out as soon as I sobered up the next morning. I have been out of the closet for 12 years and what I knew to be true, that I only like women was suddenly turned on it's ear. So I discussed it with my support system which really consists of two guys, one said "Jump on it" and the other wisely told me that the only lables we have to conform to are the ones we attach to ourselves.

So I stewed for over a month on this single kiss. During that time my guy friend came over to crash after a late night and wound up in my room offering to be my sex slave if I wanted. I just sent his drunk butt to bed on the couch! lol

On a weekend that my roomie and his partner were out of town I asked him over, determined to find out if the feelings in that kiss were imagined or not. We hung out and played video games (we're gamers) for most of the night. Finally, shaking and generally terrified, I asked him to kiss me again. He did and it was very nice, and I got a less intense version of the safe and comfortable feelings. Afterward, I told him about the whole thing, all of my freaking out over it. We went downstairs and smoked, and talked about it. He asked me if I'd ever had sex with a guy and I told him yes, but that it had bee 12 years, and had been awkward HS sex. Then he said if you ever want to, just let me know.

I went to bed and just lay there, not able to quiet my mind enough to sleep. Thinking that he was right across the hall and that if I wanted to do something that the time was now. I somehow got up the nerve to cross the hall. Asked him if we'd still be friends if we fooled around and made him promise to talk about any wierd feelings that might come up. We had sex, he was wonderful, very careful of me, asking if I was ok etc.

At that point I thought it would be an experiment. I asked him to keep it to himself, so that we wouldn't be razzed by my roomie. He agreed.

It has since turned out to be more than a one nighter. Every time I see the man I want to jump on him. It's so wierd!

We've had the conversation about commitment and are doing the "friends with benefits" thing. I told him that I wasn't after a commitment, and was just enjoying myself. Which is true.
I do like him and there are certainly feelings involved. We're friends who have become very physically close. I've done things with him that I NEVER thought I would do. I trust him completely, which is hard for me. I tend to plaster myself against him in bed (I'm usually not a big cuddler) even though I hate being hot and the man puts off heat like a space heater on high.

So here is the whole point of the novella. The other morning, we were having sex and he grabbed my hand and laced his fingers with mine. I got an "Uh Oh!" feeling. Like maybe there is more there for him.

Or maybe I'm lying to myself, and/or just can't get by the lesbian thing long enough to admit to myself that I might be developing feelings myself.

I can totally relate to your story. In high school, I fell in love with a girl and came out to my dad and brothers. I came out to friends as well. I even joined the GLBT Alliance in college. During my sophomore year, I found myself drawn to a beautiful, sexy, arrogant, cocky, irresistible....MAN.
Confused the heck out of me. We became pals and later made love. He later revealed to me that he was bisexual. Now, we live together. Isn't life funny ? Love knows no boundaries of gender !

 

[Tymeless]

lesbian is how u identify yourself and since you identified yourself that way thats how the world identifies you but if u like this guy explore it with him and when your both comfortable if u decide to make it a relationship you can do that but there is no pressure to come out right away with it just talk with him communication is the key here and you'll be fine!

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

It sounds lovely. Damn all labels and identifications. There's only one question that's important: What makes you happier? If being mostly a girl-girl but having sex with this one particular guy now and then makes you happy, that's all that really matters, isn't it? Same-same if you decide to become monogomous with him, or mostly be with him but sometimes with a girl.

As far as whether it means more to him than you, don't worry about it. Just be totally honest in every way, and him do the same.

There's only one important question for him, too, and it's the same one. If the thing gets to point where not being able to have you exclusively generates more pain for him than having you occasionally generates pleasure, and so the net effect is that his is less happy with the status quo than he would be not having you at all, then you can give each other a big hug, shed some tears together, and go back to just being friends. There's no reason for any more drama than that. Given complete honesty there's no blame, fault, fear or guilt on either side, so no cause for bitterness. Some bittersweet sadness probably, but that is different. Maybe he would need to get away from you for a month or two to let the wound heal, but that should be all.

Here's the bottom line for both of you: Your purpose in life is your own happiness? Each ask yourself, what makes me happier? The answer will clear up most confusion.

I agree with Etoile that sexuality is fluid. I understand the rest of what she says, but think the real problem is "identifying" yourself in terms of what you do in the bedroom. I think there is too much of that kind of "identification" going on. It's understandanble in the context of the current social and cultural environment of a previously scorned and repressed minority asserting its right to pursue happiness without stigma or sanction. There is an "us" vs "them" element, and comfort in identifying with the "us" in the form of comraderie and fellowship. But there's a personal cost to doing so, which Etoile describes.

Maybe I'm all wet on that last part; I'm prepared to listen to an explanation of how and why. But I know I'm right in the first part (the personal advice).

 

[chun_gong]

I believe that sexuality is fluid. I was thinking about this just this morning, looking at the Susie Bright section of my bookshelf. For many years, she was a lesbian - even writing books like "Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World" - but now she is happily married to a man.

Was she lying to herself all those years? Was she a bisexual? No, because she loved women, had relationships with women, and - most importantly - identified as a lesbian. But people change, and at some point she fell in love with a man. So now she's either bisexual or straight (I haven't checked), but that doesn't negate the fact that she was once a lesbian.

The difficult part of something like this is changing your identity. It sounds to me like you're falling for this guy, and there's nothing wrong with that. You will just have to reconcile your lesbian past with your present feelings. It's not easy, but it is basic - that is, it's not complicated. If you think you love this guy, it's perfectly okay to do that. It's just a matter of deciding how you want to identify, and integrating that choice into your view of yourself.

Very well said, as always! (Susie Bright does make for great reading, doesn't she? *grin*)

cpicass0 - First - sorry this is a bit late...I haven't been around much.

Basically, Etoile, has (unintentionally) described me as well. I outed myself almost 15 years ago, after fully identifying as lesbian. Coming to terms with that change in my life was somewhat difficult.

Now, I have found myself in "reverse". ha ha I have gone back to my "I just love people for who they are" phase...which, for me, means I'm not identifying with anything - gay, straight, or bi. I've gotten lots of advice here on lables and using them or not. That made me really uncomfortable...because, as Etoile says, it's how you identify. It's who YOU know YOURSELF as.

So, I do understand. I also understand how freaky this is for you. The best advice * I * can give you falls in the "generic realm". Hang in there. It will all be okay. Live in the moment. Blah, blah, blah. However, as frustrating as that is, when it boils down to it that's all true. There is nothing I can tell you at this moment that will help - except g/f I've been in your shoes...and I'm doing great now.

j

 

[PredatorSmile]

You are just like the rest of us and want to love and to be loved.

 

[Etoile]

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.

 

[Hester]

i'm a hetero woman but i once fell in love with another woman and had a LT, cohabitational relationship with her. she was also hetero. i was with her because i loved her, not because of her sexual equipment. i wasn't sexually attracted to her as a woman, but as a person. we also allowed each other to casually date men on the side. i haven't been remotely interested in a woman before, or since, but i'm glad i had with her what i did. ultimately, it failed because she couldn't reconcile the relationship with her religious beliefs.

don't let labels or pigeonholing stop you from exploring something that calls to you. life is too short for that kind of shit.

 

[Etoile]

Hester, thank you so much for sharing, that was an excellent story you shared. I'm curious, did you have sex with her? That was the only part of the story I couldn't figure out. It's possible to have a loving, cohabitational, mutual relationship without sex, so I'm not sure if you had that part or not.

 

[Hester]

Hester, thank you so much for sharing, that was an excellent story you shared. I'm curious, did you have sex with her? That was the only part of the story I couldn't figure out. It's possible to have a loving, cohabitational, mutual relationship without sex, so I'm not sure if you had that part or not.

there was only so much she was okay with physically. i would have explored further, but didn't push her comfort zone. the first time we kissed (intimately) it really freaked her out---she was upset she enjoyed kissing a woman.

i found that strange since we lived in a small community and we were very open about being in a domestic, intimate relationship and she was not only comfortable with that but proud that i was her partner. everyone -assumed- we were sexually intimate, and she was very possessive about me---men knew right away that if they wanted to flirt with or hit on me they'd have to pass her approval first.

and thank you for understanding that loving, cohabitational relationships can be had without sex. as sexual as i am---it permeates my being---i have had a surprising number of non sexual, highly intimate relationships. this has been one of the great ironies of my life, and as much as i repeatedly say "never again" it keeps reappearing.

 

[rip_1_4_u]

I am going through something along these lines...

I dated men and had sex with men in college, but I was also interested in women in college, fell in love with a woman, but couldn't tell her how I felt about her...I identified as het but was active in my college glb group...married my male best friend which turned out to be a disaster..we were both emotionally and socially very immature...I finally left when I realized how much we were making each other miserable...after 5 years..

I immediately fell in love with a woman who had some different ideas about relationships-she liked to have sex secretly with one woman, but love another woman. I didn't share her point of view, since I'm not too keen on sharing and really dislike being lied to. She was very upset that I didn't want to continue being the "love" interest!

I dated and met a woman that I was with for 15 years. We were happy the majority of it and I've been fairly out and active in the glbt community. We broke up over the last two years and it's actually been hard to tell people that I'm now dating men...I am actually embarrassed about it...

I expect the men I date to handle well interacting with my lesbian friends and my ex-girlfriend...but I have had a hard time telling my lesbian acquaintances that I'm with a man...I don't feel like I'm leaving women for men, I feel like I'm doing something that feels different again...I call myself bisexual since I still find women incredibly gorgeous and sexy and don't see that changing! I know the men I've met sometimes think I've "gone back" to men, but I just feel like that's who I'm more attracted to at this point in my life...I told my first boyfriend that I just wanted a bit of different drama...I don't really know how to explain it except to say that I truly fall for folks based on how they make me feel, not on their gender...right now for some reason, men are the ones that are "doing it" for me...

 

[Etoile]

That is an excellent point you raised, rip_1. Many non-bisexuals have a hard time understanding the fluid nature of some people, and the "gone back to" is common on both gay and straight sides. I've seen ads in the W4W personals that specify "no bisexuals" and I think those are from women who have been broken up with by a woman who "went back to" a man. I think there is personal shame associated with "being left for" a man, as if the dumped woman isn't good in bed, isn't a good partner, etc. On the straight side, as you've noted, the men seem to think you've "gone back to" men. When you were with women primarily, did you identify as lesbian or as bisexual? (I know you currently identify as bi, but I wonder about before.)

 

[Betticus]

When you over analyze your feelings and pick them apart you tend to find lots of nonsensical reasons to not be with someone that you do really enjoy being with and who you love deeply as more than just a friend.

It sounds like you have what all of us guys fear when we fall for our best girl friend. You label your feelings and chain them into a certain box. Friends only, friends with benefits, lovers, partners, soulmates, etc... Your male friend is probably right now terrified of falling too much in love with you as you may very well just freak out and cut him out of your heart and your bed.

I'd say that maybe for a moment you can just not be a label. Don't be a lesbian or bi or straight or a friend or anything else. Just float in the moment when you are with him and ask yourself if you are happy and if making him happy is something that you feel is a part of you. That will be all the answer you need.

Labels limit people, limit them severely. It is exactly why I refuse to adopt one in the bdsm lifestyle. Fuck it, I know I'm dominant and even can slam to the extreme of dominance but even I love to cuddle and share and laugh and be pinned down by my lover and held in place and used like a cheap toy. I don't question it at all.

Your mileage with this advice may vary. Just try to not label yourself and look at him as a beautiful soul made by God as that is what all of us eventually are made of. The body and gender doesn't matter at all, it's who we are inside and who we are there is pretty sexless and amazing.

Now, don't tell anyone that I'm this sensitive as I have a rep to protect.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

When you over analyze your feelings and pick them apart you tend to find lots of nonsensical reasons to not be with someone that you do really enjoy being with and who you love deeply as more than just a friend.

It sounds like you have what all of us guys fear when we fall for our best girl friend. You label your feelings and chain them into a certain box. Friends only, friends with benefits, lovers, partners, soulmates, etc... Your male friend is probably right now terrified of falling too much in love with you as you may very well just freak out and cut him out of your heart and your bed.

I'd say that maybe for a moment you can just not be a label. Don't be a lesbian or bi or straight or a friend or anything else. Just float in the moment when you are with him and ask yourself if you are happy and if making him happy is something that you feel is a part of you. That will be all the answer you need.

Labels limit people, limit them severely. It is exactly why I refuse to adopt one in the bdsm lifestyle. Fuck it, I know I'm dominant and even can slam to the extreme of dominance but even I love to cuddle and share and laugh and be pinned down by my lover and held in place and used like a cheap toy. I don't question it at all.

Your mileage with this advice may vary. Just try to not label yourself and look at him as a beautiful soul made by God as that is what all of us eventually are made of. The body and gender doesn't matter at all, it's who we are inside and who we are there is pretty sexless and amazing.

Now, don't tell anyone that I'm this sensitive as I have a rep to protect.

I won't tell - but this is pretty terrific.

PS. I cited this post in another thread: https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=18121814&postcount=35852

 

[rip_1_4_u]

That is an excellent point you raised, rip_1. Many non-bisexuals have a hard time understanding the fluid nature of some people, and the "gone back to" is common on both gay and straight sides. I've seen ads in the W4W personals that specify "no bisexuals" and I think those are from women who have been broken up with by a woman who "went back to" a man. I think there is personal shame associated with "being left for" a man, as if the dumped woman isn't good in bed, isn't a good partner, etc. On the straight side, as you've noted, the men seem to think you've "gone back to" men. When you were with women primarily, did you identify as lesbian or as bisexual? (I know you currently identify as bi, but I wonder about before.)

When I was with my female partner I identified myself as a lesbian, since I was in love with and attracted to a woman and was making love with a woman...I found lots of women beautiful and sexy, but I'm the faithful type!

 

[cpicass0]

When you over analyze your feelings and pick them apart you tend to find lots of nonsensical reasons to not be with someone that you do really enjoy being with and who you love deeply as more than just a friend.

It sounds like you have what all of us guys fear when we fall for our best girl friend. You label your feelings and chain them into a certain box. Friends only, friends with benefits, lovers, partners, soulmates, etc... Your male friend is probably right now terrified of falling too much in love with you as you may very well just freak out and cut him out of your heart and your bed.

I'd say that maybe for a moment you can just not be a label. Don't be a lesbian or bi or straight or a friend or anything else. Just float in the moment when you are with him and ask yourself if you are happy and if making him happy is something that you feel is a part of you. That will be all the answer you need.

Labels limit people, limit them severely. It is exactly why I refuse to adopt one in the bdsm lifestyle. Fuck it, I know I'm dominant and even can slam to the extreme of dominance but even I love to cuddle and share and laugh and be pinned down by my lover and held in place and used like a cheap toy. I don't question it at all.

Your mileage with this advice may vary. Just try to not label yourself and look at him as a beautiful soul made by God as that is what all of us eventually are made of. The body and gender doesn't matter at all, it's who we are inside and who we are there is pretty sexless and amazing.

Now, don't tell anyone that I'm this sensitive as I have a rep to protect.

Thanks for that, wonderful post. And I promise not to tell anyone.

Also to everyone else who has posted - Thank you so much.