Gathering of Lovers feedback

[WickedEve]

Hi
I'm doing something I very rarely ever do, and that's ask for feedback. I really like this poem. I submitted it a couple of days ago and I just now submitted the edit below. Does anyone have any suggestions for further improvement? Is the story I'm telling clear?


I recall those auburn days
before leaves lay brittle,
when men made their way
to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

They came with thunder,
words clashing beneath the elms -
it was our season of change,
my days of decision.

I longed to drift downward
into the needs of my gentle poet,
to entwine his love,

then be swept up,
scattered to edges of want
by a lover
who would have me beg to fall.

It was our season of change,
my days of decision,
nights of hushed footsteps
heavy in the hall
for the one left to wait.

Tangled in intimate sheets
I shivered at touch of Autumn
invited in through open window.
In layers of him I covered closely,
took his warmth within
till his breath was quiet.

My whispered love lingered
long after I vanished
to burn in another's heat.

It was our season of change
and my day of decision -

first light slid into the room
from beneath shades,
easing back the darkness
draped over nude limbs.

Under the elms we gathered,
the circle complete;
words silent without their sword.

My decision made -
one faded into the mountains,
the other lost in me.

Season had changed.

original
Gathering of Lovers
by WickedEve ©

I recall those auburn days
before leaves lay brittle,
when men made their way
to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

They came with thunder,
words clashing beneath the elms -
it was our season of change,
my days of decision.

I longed to drift downward
into the needs of my gentle poet,
to entwine his love,
then be swept up,
scattered to edges of want
by a lover who would have me beg to fall.

It was our season of change,
my days of decision,
nights of hushed footsteps
that stomped down the hall
for the one left to wait.

Tangled in intimate sheets
I shivered at touch of Autumn
invited in through open window.
In layers of him I covered closely,
took his warmth within
till his breath was quiet.

My whispered love lingered
long after I vanished
to burn in another's heat.

It was our season of change
and my day of decision -

first light slid into the room
from beneath shades,
easing back the darkness
draped over nude limbs.

Under the elms we gathered -
the circle complete -
words less harsh without their razor.

My decision made -
one faded into the mountains,
the other lost in me.

Season had changed.

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Cool

I liked it a lot, Eve. It loops around and around and back to itself. It's good to read more than once, and to see the repeated references to fall. It's sensual but cool.

"words silent without their sword"

Hmm, it's interesting to try and interpret this line, especially when I can see the previous version:

"words less harsh without their razor"

I'm guessing two men fought bitterly over you under the elm?

I'm not sure it says clearly in your poem WHY you chose one over the other, or which one you are speaking about when you speak of one singularly.

But the poem captures the repeated cycle of seasons, yet also a very long Fall.

Hope that helps!

 

[WickedEve]

On another board it was suggested that "sword" would be better since in an earlier stanza I used "clashing words."

I tried to leave it open to interpretation at the end as to which lover was chosen. There are hints in the poem that give you a good idea if it was the gentle/sweet or aggressive/passionate lover. Actually, I think I would have taken both. lol

 

[Star At Sunrise]

"I tried to leave it open to interpretation at the end as to which lover was chosen."

Oh, leavin' us hangin, huh? I sure hope you told the lover you chose!!!

But you didn't tell us if they fought for you under the elms. I'm seeing a heated verbal battle, or some kinda knife fight like in "West Side Story"

That's what these poems at Lit are lacking in - a little old fashioned knife fightin'! Woo hoo!

 

[JUDO]

Hi
I'm doing something I very rarely ever do, and that's ask for feedback. I really like this poem. I submitted it a couple of days ago and I just now submitted the edit below. Does anyone have any suggestions for further improvement? Is the story I'm telling clear?


I recall those auburn days
before leaves lay brittle,
when men made their way
to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

They came with thunder,
words clashing beneath the elms -
it was our season of change,
my days of decision.

I longed to drift downward
into the needs of my gentle poet,
to entwine his love,

then be swept up,
scattered to edges of want
by a lover
who would have me beg to fall.

It was our season of change,
my days of decision,
nights of hushed footsteps
heavy in the hall
for the one left to wait.

Tangled in intimate sheets
I shivered at touch of Autumn
invited in through open window.
In layers of him I covered closely,
took his warmth within
till his breath was quiet.

My whispered love lingered
long after I vanished
to burn in another's heat.

It was our season of change
and my day of decision -

first light slid into the room
from beneath shades,
easing back the darkness
draped over nude limbs.

Under the elms we gathered,
the circle complete;
words silent without their sword.

My decision made -
one faded into the mountains,
the other lost in me.

Season had changed.

I was confused and I will try to tell you why.

First Stanzas --

I recall those auburn days
before leaves lay brittle,
when men made their way
to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

"...men made their way to my valley haven deep in mountains' ring."

This phrase makes me think that the speaker is a mystical or magical being, like a season (perhaps Autumn) or a Faerie of the Forest (as in 'A Midsummer's Night's Dream').

They came with thunder,
words clashing beneath the elms -
it was our season of change,
my days of decision.

The feeling continues here, but now the speaker talks of the men who come and fight beneath elms (in her valley, her mountains). I feel as though I'm with you to here.

I longed to drift downward
into the needs of my gentle poet,
to entwine his love,

"my gentle poet?" Now, I'm getting lost. I don't understand who this person is. We've talked of men up until now. Maybe the speaker is referring to her "inner" poet? Hopefully, the next stanza will clarify this.

then be swept up,
scattered to edges of want
by a lover
who would have me beg to fall.

No, it doesn't. Now, we are definitely into something different, but I'm not sure what. "a lover" is talked about, but who is that lover? Probably not the poet... I'm confused.

It was our season of change,
my days of decision,
nights of hushed footsteps
heavy in the hall
for the one left to wait.

Okay, now the speaker of the first two stanzas seems to have returned, speaking of broad decisions to be made, possibly affecting epic ideals. But then the latter part of the stanza refers to a place I know not. We're not in a valley or mountains or forest any longer, we're in a house with a hallway, and stealthily hiding from someone "left to wait?" Who is this person? The lover? The poet? One of the men arguing under the elms? I'm confused further.

Tangled in intimate sheets
I shivered at touch of Autumn
invited in through open window.
In layers of him I covered closely,
took his warmth within
till his breath was quiet.

Now, possibly the original speaker is speaking of Autumn as her lover, again reflecting the possibility of being a magical being or at least, in touch with some who are. But it seems a decision has been made on a lover now. How was that made? What event transpired to make this happen? And is Autumn the poet, the lover or someone else? I'm confused.

My whispered love lingered
long after I vanished
to burn in another's heat.

The speaker's whispered lover that she had with Autumn, I assume. But why did she vanish? Will this be clarified later? And who's heat did she go to burn in? Is this speaker simply a tart who flits from lover to lover and thinks about all the other possibilities in between?

It was our season of change
and my day of decision -

Yes, I've hear this before, but now I have no idea to whom it refers -- the speaker herself wouldn't be "our". Is she representative of a tribe of people, or simply Nature?

first light slid into the room
from beneath shades,
easing back the darkness
draped over nude limbs.

Okay, which room? I thought she had left the room with the "intimate sheets" and her lover, "Autumn" running off to the "heat" of another. I'm confused.

Under the elms we gathered,
the circle complete;
words silent without their sword.

Okay, back to the elms are we? And who are "we?" This is a bookend stanza, reflecting the arguments under the elms before by "men" coming to her "valley" in the "mountains' ring," and it seems as though they have resolved their differences and don't fight under the elms now. But how? What has transpired that stopped them from fighting?

My decision made -
one faded into the mountains,
the other lost in me.

Okay, this seems to state that there were two - possibly two lovers who wanted this speaker (I still have no idea who the speaker is, a woman, a lover, a season, a tart, a nymph? What?). I understand the outcome from this stanza, but I do not understand how we have arrived. Perhaps some little piece of assumed data is missing from the tale. Obviously, I'm am missing something from this puzzle.

Season had changed.

An ending, a re-statment of fact told by the previous stanza, an Epilogue for the story.

* * *

Okay, that's how it read for me. If you want to keep all that you have, I need some clarity somewhere and I don't know where.

I guess the biggest thing is that if you tell a tale with three people in it, then just have three -- you have: men arguing under trees who make up, one who waits, a lover, a gentle poet, Autumn personified, and I have no information that tells me how all these people end up being two people vying over the speaker (who's identity is a mystery).

She seems to be a mystical/magical creature at the beginning (possibly a leader of a tribe that lives in the mountains?), but it's never clarified as to who she is. Maybe she is meant to be a mystery? I don't know.

My thoughts.
- Judo

 

[_Land]

Eve I like this poem, it is excellent. I think I might change a couple of things.....but this is just me











I recall those auburn days
before leaves lay brittle,
when men made their way
to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

They came with thunder,
words clashing beneath the elms -
it was our season of change,
my days of decision.

I longed to drift downward
into the needs of my gentle poet,
to entwine his love,

then be swept up,
scattered to edges of want
by a lover
who would have me beg to fall.

season of change,
days of decision,

nights, hushed footsteps
heavy in the hall
for the one left to wait.

Tangled in intimate sheets
I shivered at Autumn's touch
invited in through open window.

In layers of him I covered closely,
took his warmth within
till his breath was quiet.

My whispered love lingered
long after I vanished
to burn in another's heat.

season of change
day of decision -

first light slid into the room
from beneath shades,
easing back the darkness
draped over nude limbs.

Under the elms we gathered,
the circle complete;
words silent without their sword.(sting)

My decision made -
one faded into the mountains,
the other lost in me.

Season had changed.

original
Gathering of Lovers
by WickedEve ©

I recall those auburn days
before leaves lay brittle,
when men made their way
to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

They came with thunder,
words clashing beneath the elms -
it was our season of change,
my days of decision.

I longed to drift downward
into the needs of my gentle poet,
to entwine his love,
then be swept up,
scattered to edges of want
by a lover who would have me beg to fall.

It was our season of change,
my days of decision,
nights of hushed footsteps
that stomped down the hall
for the one left to wait.

Tangled in intimate sheets
I shivered at touch of Autumn
invited in through open window.
In layers of him I covered closely,
took his warmth within
till his breath was quiet.

My whispered love lingered
long after I vanished
to burn in another's heat.

It was our season of change
and my day of decision -

first light slid into the room
from beneath shades,
easing back the darkness
draped over nude limbs.

Under the elms we gathered -
the circle complete -
words less harsh without their razor.

My decision made -
one faded into the mountains,
the other lost in me.

Season had changed. [/B][/QUOTE]

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Gathering of Lovers feedback

I was confused and I will try to tell you why.



"...men made their way to my valley haven deep in mountains' ring."

This phrase makes me think that the speaker is a mystical or magical being, like a season (perhaps Autumn) or a Faerie of the Forest (as in 'A Midsummer's Night's Dream').



The feeling continues here, but now the speaker talks of the men who come and fight beneath elms (in her valley, her mountains). I feel as though I'm with you to here.



"my gentle poet?" Now, I'm getting lost. I don't understand who this person is. We've talked of men up until now. Maybe the speaker is referring to her "inner" poet? Hopefully, the next stanza will clarify this.



No, it doesn't. Now, we are definitely into something different, but I'm not sure what. "a lover" is talked about, but who is that lover? Probably not the poet... I'm confused.



Okay, now the speaker of the first two stanzas seems to have returned, speaking of broad decisions to be made, possibly affecting epic ideals. But then the latter part of the stanza refers to a place I know not. We're not in a valley or mountains or forest any longer, we're in a house with a hallway, and stealthily hiding from someone "left to wait?" Who is this person? The lover? The poet? One of the men arguing under the elms? I'm confused further.



Now, possibly the original speaker is speaking of Autumn as her lover, again reflecting the possibility of being a magical being or at least, in touch with some who are. But it seems a decision has been made on a lover now. How was that made? What event transpired to make this happen? And is Autumn the poet, the lover or someone else? I'm confused.



The speaker's whispered lover that she had with Autumn, I assume. But why did she vanish? Will this be clarified later? And who's heat did she go to burn in? Is this speaker simply a tart who flits from lover to lover and thinks about all the other possibilities in between?



Yes, I've hear this before, but now I have no idea to whom it refers -- the speaker herself wouldn't be "our". Is she representative of a tribe of people, or simply Nature?



Okay, which room? I thought she had left the room with the "intimate sheets" and her lover, "Autumn" running off to the "heat" of another. I'm confused.



Okay, back to the elms are we? And who are "we?" This is a bookend stanza, reflecting the arguments under the elms before by "men" coming to her "valley" in the "mountains' ring," and it seems as though they have resolved their differences and don't fight under the elms now. But how? What has transpired that stopped them from fighting?



Okay, this seems to state that there were two - possibly two lovers who wanted this speaker (I still have no idea who the speaker is, a woman, a lover, a season, a tart, a nymph? What?). I understand the outcome from this stanza, but I do not understand how we have arrived. Perhaps some little piece of assumed data is missing from the tale. Obviously, I'm am missing something from this puzzle.



An ending, a re-statment of fact told by the previous stanza, an Epilogue for the story.

* * *

Okay, that's how it read for me. If you want to keep all that you have, I need some clarity somewhere and I don't know where.

I guess the biggest thing is that if you tell a tale with three people in it, then just have three -- you have: men arguing under trees who make up, one who waits, a lover, a gentle poet, Autumn personified, and I have no information that tells me how all these people end up being two people vying over the speaker (who's identity is a mystery).

She seems to be a mystical/magical creature at the beginning (possibly a leader of a tribe that lives in the mountains?), but it's never clarified as to who she is. Maybe she is meant to be a mystery? I don't know.

My thoughts.
- Judo

Okay, I could explain this and that, but that's what my poem should have done in the first place. So the problem is mine to fix. Though, you've made it more complicated than it is.

I'm going to do this anyway: It's about a woman living in a valley within a ring of mountains. Two lovers come to her. They argue over her. She spends time with them at her mountain/valley home. She sleeps with both. One is a gentle lover the other more passionate. It is Autumn time. It's chilly but she warms up with one and heats up with the other. The gentle one she wants to entwine his love. The more passionate one she wants to be swept away by. That night she is with the gentle lover first. Whispered love is mentioned. Love was mentioned before when she wanted to entwine his love. So the next lover she goes to must be the more passionate one. The one she goes to burn in his heat. She chooses one. They no longer argue because she has made a decision. Who does she choose? Would you go with love or lust? It was her decision and a Season of change for all involved.

 

[JUDO]

Re: Re: Re: Gathering of Lovers feedback

Okay, I could explain this and that, but that's what my poem should have done in the first place. So the problem is mine to fix. Though, you've made it more complicated than it is.

I'm going to do this anyway: It's about a woman living in a valley within a ring of mountains. Two lovers come to her. They argue over her. She spends time with them at her mountain/valley home. She sleeps with both. One is a gentle lover the other more passionate. It is Autumn time. It's chilly but she warms up with one and heats up with the other. The gentle one she wants to entwine his love. The more passionate one she wants to be swept away by. That night she is with the gentle lover first. Whispered love is mentioned. Love was mentioned before when she wanted to entwine his love. So the next lover she goes to must be the more passionate one. The one she goes to burn in his heat. She chooses one. They no longer argue because she has made a decision. Who does she choose? Would you go with love or lust? It was her decision and a Season of change for all involved.

Sorry if my post upset you (seems by your tone that it might have). I was attempting to show you where I got confused and my mental process as I re-read your poem, so that you might be able to determine what may occur to help.

But with the clarification you offered, I offer the following possible suggestions in bold.


- Judo

---------------------------------------------------

I recall those auburn days
before leaves lay brittle,
when two men made their way
to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

They came with thunder,
words clashing beneath the elms -
it was our season of change,
my days of decision.

Under one roof
together as three.
I pondered the joys
and difference of love.

I longed to drift downward
into the needs of the gentle poet,
to entwine his love,
then be swept up,
scattered to edges of want
by the burning lover
who would have me beg to fall.

We dreamt our season of change,
through days of decision.
Nights of hushed footsteps
layheavy in the hall
for the one left to wait.

Tangled in intimate sheets,
shivered by the touch of Autumn
invited through open window,
I cowered closely to layers of lover,
taking his warmth within
till his breath was quiet.

There, my loving words lingered
long after I vanished
to burn in the other's heat.

The season of our change
The dawn of my decision -

First light slid into the room
from beneath shades,
easing back the darkness
draped over nude limbs
fitted well.

Under the elms we gathered,
the trio together;
words silent without their sword.

My decision made -
one faded into the mountains,
the other lost in me.

The leaves had fallen.

 

[Rybka]

In another thread, Judo wrote:

This critique does very little in the way of demonstrating to the artist how such elements might be observed or corrected in their work.

If you are going to criticize art (as you call it) then do a good job, please.

I thought that I had posted an honest feeling, and that that should be enough. I was not entirely negative after all. However Judo apparently has her own definition of criticism as well as of art, which, of course, she is justified in having. This posited as given, WE, I'd tell you what my impressions are, but I do not want my fins broken!
Although I would not have the gall to try and rewrite your work, I must agree with Judo's first impression in that I tend to read the protagonist as being something other than human, and just what, I was never sure. I like a lot of the lines, but the "internal logic of the poem" was not clear to me. I got confused as early as:

to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

I tried to decide whether to read "ring as a noun or verb.


Regards,                       Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Gathering of Lovers feedback

Sorry if my post upset you (seems by your tone that it might have). I was attempting to show you where I got confused and my mental process as I re-read your poem, so that you might be able to determine what may occur to help.

But with the clarification you offered, I offer the following possible suggestions in bold.


- Judo

---------------------------------------------------

I recall those auburn days
before leaves lay brittle,
when two men made their way
to my valley haven
deep in mountains' ring.

They came with thunder,
words clashing beneath the elms -
it was our season of change,
my days of decision.

Under one roof
together as three.
I pondered the joys
and difference of love.

I longed to drift downward
into the needs of the gentle poet,
to entwine his love,
then be swept up,
scattered to edges of want
by the burning lover
who would have me beg to fall.

We dreamt our season of change,
through days of decision.
Nights of hushed footsteps
layheavy in the hall
for the one left to wait.

Tangled in intimate sheets,
shivered by the touch of Autumn
invited through open window,
I cowered closely to layers of lover,
taking his warmth within
till his breath was quiet.

There, my loving words lingered
long after I vanished
to burn in the other's heat.

The season of our change
The dawn of my decision -

First light slid into the room
from beneath shades,
easing back the darkness
draped over nude limbs
fitted well.

Under the elms we gathered,
the trio together;
words silent without their sword.

My decision made -
one faded into the mountains,
the other lost in me.

The leaves had fallen.

People always think I'm upset when I'm the least bit serious! lol No, not upset. I just thought I'd give you the story of the poem. Like I said, if it's not clear, then the poem didn't do its job. It needs more work, you bitch.

 

[JUDO]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Gathering of Lovers feedback

People always think I'm upset when I'm the least bit serious! lol No, not upset. I just thought I'd give you the story of the poem. Like I said, if it's not clear, then the poem didn't do its job. It needs more work, you bitch.

(* cackling maniacally *) Ah! You finally got me back! Hope you liked the suggs.


- Judo

 

[Camille]

I thinks it pretty good as is. But I know you like to diddle with things.

 

[WickedEve]

I thinks it pretty good as is. But I know you like to diddle with things.

Where have you been? You show up about once every six months.
Yes, I like diddling. Just a widdle diddle in the middle.

 

[Camille]

Took a part time job, cause my full time job was lonely. The extra money was great but there was no time for the internet and my son. Now I'm finished with the job (bought a new car) time for the kiddies and an hour or so for me to play!

 

[WickedEve]

Good! Maybe we'll see you around here more often now. We need another crazy chick on this board!

 

[OT]

do all poems need to stand alone?

WE,
With your synopsis beside it, I like your poem. I did not get the story from the poem by itself.

Just like there is a thread laying around here with pics and poems paired together, I'm wondering if there is a place for poems that benefit from a little bit of scene setting prose for them to lean on.

I know you are a Smithpeter fan. Long ago, he wrote something which I totally did not get. I asked, and he was kind enough to supply some context -- after which I liked the piece a lot.

Cluttering up poems with enough detail to make them stand alone may not always be a good thing.

O.T.
peek at my prose