Funny sex stories

[sb2009]

because it's just not serious all the time!

So, one day I walked into our bedroom. My husband was standing there, looking weird. And naked. I noticed that there seemed to be something on bed spread and I was thinking "no way, he did not just EJACULATE on the bed? wtf?"

He looked at me and said, completely straight faced and serious: "Look, I had a towel ready, but right when I needed it, I realized it was the Disney Princess towel and I just couldn't do it on Cinderella. (pause) If it had been the Bratz towel, that would have been different-those bitches have it coming."

I just left the room. And fell over laughing. The thing is, I think this is a funny as hell anecdote, but there is no one in my real life that wouldn't be horrified at me talking about the fact that my spouse masterbates.

 

[graceanne]

He looked at me and said, completely straight faced and serious: "Look, I had a towel ready, but right when I needed it, I realized it was the Disney Princess towel and I just couldn't do it on Cinderella. (pause) If it had been the Bratz towel, that would have been different-those bitches have it coming."

ROFLMAO

 

[sb2009]

see? to me, that is pee-your-pants-funny. But no, normal people get caught up in whole masturbation issue and lose sight of how funny it is!!!!

 

[ultramarineblue]

because it's just not serious all the time!

So, one day I walked into our bedroom. My husband was standing there, looking weird. And naked. I noticed that there seemed to be something on bed spread and I was thinking "no way, he did not just EJACULATE on the bed? wtf?"

He looked at me and said, completely straight faced and serious: "Look, I had a towel ready, but right when I needed it, I realized it was the Disney Princess towel and I just couldn't do it on Cinderella. (pause) If it had been the Bratz towel, that would have been different-those bitches have it coming."

I just left the room. And fell over laughing. The thing is, I think this is a funny as hell anecdote, but there is no one in my real life that wouldn't be horrified at me talking about the fact that my spouse masterbates.

That is just sooooo full of win.

 

[Smygtittaren]

Haha, that sure is a great story
And I wish I could see the faces of your friends if you told them about it.. haha

 

[graceanne]

see? to me, that is pee-your-pants-funny. But no, normal people get caught up in whole masturbation issue and lose sight of how funny it is!!!!

Yeah, that's cause the majority of people have no sense of humor.

I've told this one before, but I'll tell it again.

We were moving, and I put the toys at the bottom of a box of books, and put that box in the back of what was to be our closet, and several boxes ON TOP OF IT then went into my kitchen to unpack. My hubby and brother were back at the other place getting the couch, so it was just me, my daughters and my daycare kid. A and K were 4, and I thought they were playing in what was to be A's room. Then they came waddling into the kitchen, giggling, with our shackles around their ankles (like prisoners). The problem? The KEYS were back at the other house in my jewelry box. One half has a quick release, but the other half doesn't. Then my husband and brother showed up. I carried A into my room, called K in to tell him what happened and he laughed so hard that my brother came to see what was going on.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Yeah, that's cause the majority of people have no sense of humor.

I've told this one before, but I'll tell it again.

We were moving, and I put the toys at the bottom of a box of books, and put that box in the back of what was to be our closet, and several boxes ON TOP OF IT then went into my kitchen to unpack. My hubby and brother were back at the other place getting the couch, so it was just me, my daughters and my daycare kid. A and K were 4, and I thought they were playing in what was to be A's room. Then they came waddling into the kitchen, giggling, with our shackles around their ankles (like prisoners). The problem? The KEYS were back at the other house in my jewelry box. One half has a quick release, but the other half doesn't. Then my husband and brother showed up. I carried A into my room, called K in to tell him what happened and he laughed so hard that my brother came to see what was going on.

Made me giggle and clap it was so funny!!!

 

[sb2009]

oh god Graceanne that is hysterical...see, next the child welfare agency would have shown up adn wondered why your kids were shakeled...

 

[Aquila1]

He looked at me and said, completely straight faced and serious: "Look, I had a towel ready, but right when I needed it, I realized it was the Disney Princess towel and I just couldn't do it on Cinderella. (pause) If it had been the Bratz towel, that would have been different-those bitches have it coming."

I just wet my pants over that

 

[graceanne]

oh god Graceanne that is hysterical...see, next the child welfare agency would have shown up adn wondered why your kids were shakeled...

Nah, they only show up when the kids are napping. And then they make me wake them up to prove they're not covered in bruises.

 

[clock1]

see? to me, that is pee-your-pants-funny. But no, normal people get caught up in whole masturbation issue and lose sight of how funny it is!!!!

It is funny, very funny, and everyone's spouse/significent other/civil unionist masterbates.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Homburg]

I would totally nut on Cinderella's face.

 

[AbiNormyl]

Ok, a funny story that happened a long time ago to my ex husband and myself.

We lived in a little travel trailer at the time. We had a cat that was evil! He would scratch, bite, attack at any given time simply because he could. We would be walking in the door and he would attack us (yes I know a lot of cats do this but he was extremely bad at this). So my husband at the time and I were having intimate relations and the cat decided that my ex's balls would be a good toy to play with. I have never seen a cat fly so far or laughed so hard. Of course he didn't think it was funny but that didn't really stop me from laughing.

 

[WriterDom]

This lady in Alabama had a spoiled dog who had to be in her bedroom with us. I was humping her from behind and he picked up a stuffed animal and started humping it in the floor next to me staring at me with a stupid smile on his face.

 

[StrayKat]

Lol, hilarious.
I dont know if this is exactly funny but it made me chuckle...

I have a summer house in a small village where everyone knows everyone.
Some 2 years ago we had a husbands young online friend over for 2 weeks, and we got into really great threesome. My kids, who were coming to spend summer holidays with us after he was gone came 3 days earlier so we had to be "decent". The last night was too much of a temptation so I suggested we might drive over to the beach when kids went to bed, if they asked anything we would just say we went for a night swim as we did occasionally.
So off we go to the beach in the middle of the night and have amazing sex.

Next morning my nosey neighbor pulls me aside in the store and tells me with very serious expression that my husband is cheating on me - someone who lived closer to the beach recognized the car and sneaked over, they heard the noise but couldnt figure out who the girl was. But soon as she finds out she will let me know. For the rest of our vacation I had to bear with knowing and compassionate looks from entire village. I bet they are still wondering who my husbands lover is

 

[MisterSir]

I would totally nut on Cinderella's face.

Dude, no, Cinderella is off-limits. There are some chicks you just don't degrade like that, like Cinderella and Snow White and Felicia Day. Now, Sleeping Beauty? She wants it. In a magically-induced coma my ass, she was just playing hard-to-get...really-hard-to-get.

 

[Netzach]

because it's just not serious all the time!

So, one day I walked into our bedroom. My husband was standing there, looking weird. And naked. I noticed that there seemed to be something on bed spread and I was thinking "no way, he did not just EJACULATE on the bed? wtf?"

He looked at me and said, completely straight faced and serious: "Look, I had a towel ready, but right when I needed it, I realized it was the Disney Princess towel and I just couldn't do it on Cinderella. (pause) If it had been the Bratz towel, that would have been different-those bitches have it coming."

I just left the room. And fell over laughing. The thing is, I think this is a funny as hell anecdote, but there is no one in my real life that wouldn't be horrified at me talking about the fact that my spouse masterbates.

OMG, that's funny.

And I think it gives me new torture ideas.

 

[WriterDom]

One funny thing. Across from the drive in movie was a place where you could drive up and order food. I had just fucked my high school girlfriend and pulled up next to my friends and they just fell out laughing. When I threw the condom out it stuck to the door.

 

[graceanne]

Dude, no, Cinderella is off-limits. There are some chicks you just don't degrade like that, like Cinderella and Snow White and Felicia Day. Now, Sleeping Beauty? She wants it. In a magically-induced coma my ass, she was just playing hard-to-get...really-hard-to-get.

*spew*

 

[graceanne]

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=22734812&postcount=1

 

[StrayKat]

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=22734812&postcount=1

That happened to me too. Twice in 3 days
My husband said hes going on a diet after that.

 

[sb2009]

ok, we've broken a bed too. But it was in bad shape before hand. He heard it sort of cracking and started thrusting faster and then BAM it just broke and we slid off. We finished what we were doing before checking out the damage LOL

 

[graceanne]

That happened to me too. Twice in 3 days
My husband said hes going on a diet after that.

We have what's called a 'captains bed'. That thing is freaken SOLID. We can be TOTALLY going at it and it doesn't even bang against the wall.

On the bright side, LadyAgie is gonna kill me for bumping that thread.

 

[StrayKat]

We have what's called a 'captains bed'. That thing is freaken SOLID. We can be TOTALLY going at it and it doesn't even bang against the wall.

Have any pics of that bed?
My husband has been drooling over metal beds lately. I told him that thing will break under him just as well