Funny Metaphor Contest

[lizardo]

Funny Metaphor Contest or maybe they're Similes, who gives a rat's ass.

Okay kids, post your funniest metaphors here.

They don't have to be original, but originality will certainly be a basis for judging. Gag factor will be counted (if you can make a judge laugh so hard he/she pukes) as 33% of your total score.

Over the next few weeks I will be amassing a panel (at least two) of qualified judges from the boards to determine the winner.

Lengthy Signatures will be charged a 5 point deduction for every 50 vertical pixels over 250.

Good Luck

I'll start it off with:
I was busier than a French(no offense to my frog friends) whore on nickel night.

 

[Joe Schmoe]

She was colder than a witch's tit in a north wind.

 

[caff]

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey

 

[Sulk]

Happier than a tree-load of monkies on nitrous

 

[lizardo]

colder than a well diggers ass in a snow storm

 

[lizardo]

colder than the ticket taker's smile at the Ivar Theater "Tom Waits"

 

[lizardo]

my dick's harder than Chinese arithmetic.

BINGO! ​

100 posts​

 

[lizardo]

Busy as a cranberry merchant on the day before Christmas

 

[lizardo]

her ...breasts jiggled so slightly, like balls balanced on the noses of Valium-eating seals *paraphrased Tom Robbins*

 

[lizardo]

Uglier than a bucket of hairy assholes

 

[lizardo]

Useless as tits on a boar hog.

 

[Clint Taurus]

She had a face like a bag of spanners

 

[Clint Taurus]

She was cuter, than a kitten, eating chicken, off a silver plate.
Prettier than a new date, metal paint, chevrolet.
Happier than a hog in a doggone luxury stye.
Smarter than a preacher on the eve of judgement day.

all lines from one of my own songs.

 

[lizardo]

good ones!

 

[Missingmeds]

It's cold enough outside to freeze a witch's tits harder than a wedding night cock....from an 83 year old woman that I know.

 

[lizardo]

busier than a one armed man at a titty squeezin' contest

 

[INeedLove]

he was as big as a gnat's navel