Funerals

[LittleJade]

It dawned on me this week, as I prepared for, and attended the funeral for my Opa (grandfather), that I don't believe in funerals. They don't work for me. I think that they're ... inorganic, somehow. Not sure how. I just realized, as I organized our travel to the funeral, and as I dressed for it, and as I sat through it, and as I placed a rose on my Opa's coffin... that this just doesn't jive with my system of belief, for life.

I have my own concept of what I'd like for my family, after I'm gone... and I know that my ideas don't jive with most people's, and that's fine. I said nothing to my family about my beliefs, because my grandmother, my dad and his siblings, all needed this. The family needed it, and it was what my grandfather wanted.

I, myself, am a blood and organ donor, and will be cremated. I'd much rather set aside a chunk of money for my family to go to a pub and have a nice meal, a nice party, and enjoy good food and beer, than for them to have a viewing of my body, or to have a funeral for me. But again, that's me.


What do you want for your own 'funeral', 'celebration of life', 'memorial', etc? Are there tunes you want played, or a way that you'd want to be remembered? Tell me your thoughts on the subject.

 

[Ladythunder]

My sympathies on the loss of your Opa.

Having just lost mine last month, this is a subject I have thought on quite a bit as of late, so it's kind of funny that you bring it up.

My mother taught me from an early age that a funeral isn't a time for just grief, but also a rememberance of what was. That is one reason that attending a funeral I don't wear black. A grey maybe, but usually I will wear something bright and cheerful, a symbol of the hope that the soul of the departed has moved on to a better place, free of pain etc etc.

For my own, I wish to be cremated after all the appropriate organs that can be used have been used etc. I dont want a crowd of folks standing around my urn and weeping. I would like nothing better for them to throw me a party. An old fashioned wake if you will.

On that thought, I read a story once that made me think. If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, before I got to sick, I would throw my own wake. otherwise known as a huge party to celebrate my life...sounds like something I'd hate to miss out on!

As for the ashes...I don't want to be a pretty decoration on someones mantle thankyou very much! I know these days its very hard to do if you wanted to do it all legal etc, but I figure, take the ashes out in the woods somewhere and empty them over the ground, under a nice big tree. If burying is a must, pour them into a hole dug under that tree. Let me give myself back to nature, share myself with that which has provided me so much.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Most of mine is already in this thread. I've been an organ donor for decades now, and only ever fancied the idea of cremation...thought of burial gives me such horrors I can begin to have anxiety attacks thinking about it these days. If F insists on my being buried (yuk), the Epping Forest idea appeals greatly and could persuade me to think of burial as a good choice. Regardless of whether you get cremated or buried, I think you wil find they both are costly with or without the funeral. Most recent funerals I have been to have been cremations and the coffin is still there...the cremation does not take place there and then, it happens at a later time.

Catalina

 

[Desdemona]

I'm sorry for your loss

It's hard to lose someone you love. I get where you're coming from here. Personally, the funeral is for the living. Its their time to face loss and make it formally real. I've been to several that weren't good for me or didn't meet my own beliefs, but then, I didn't plan them and it wasn't up to me. At the very least, I was able to support the immediate family and it did sort of help me come to terms with the fact that the person was gone in a formal way.

I'm not leaving alot of instructions for how to manage my body. Whoever is left needs to meet their own needs for dealing with my passing. If they want to put my remains in a sack and bury it, that's ok. If they want to donate my body, that's ok. If they need some elaborate service, that's ok too. Funerals are about surviving a loss. "I" will be somewhere else. Just my opinion.

 

[otter09]

Like the party idea

I like the idea of a party for people to celebrate your life instead of a wake and funeral I have arranged for my body to be donated to the local medical school to use in whatever way they see fit since I smoke and dont exactly live the healthiest lifestyle I dont think Im a good person for organ and tissue donation at least in this way I may help people when Im gone and since life is short I believe in living each day and finding joy and fun in it if possible I know all days cant be like that of course but a lot sure can be interesting topic and very impressed by the previous replies to this thread

 

[DVS]

...What do you want for your own 'funeral', 'celebration of life', 'memorial', etc? Are there tunes you want played, or a way that you'd want to be remembered? Tell me your thoughts on the subject.

Sorry to hear about your Opa. I understand how grand parents can attach themselves to grandkids. I always got a nice shiny new 50 cent piece from my grand dad, when we went to visit. I've got fond memories from those visits.

And I agree with you about seeing someone who's died, in the casket. I've never really understood that process. It's made for the old folks who stand beside their dead friend and say things like "doesn't he look good?"

When my grandmother died, I actually remember one lady coming up to us and telling us how good she looked. She said "she looks like she could just get out of that casket and talk to us." I thought that was a bit disturbing, but to her, it was comforting to know my grandmother looked so good, I guess.

Still, when my dad died and when mother died, I refused to view them in death. I wanted to remember them as they were, when they were alive. It just stands to reason. Nobody looks the same, after they've passed. And we are suppose to remember the good times, right? So why do we even think about viewing the body before burial? Is it some sort of testimonial to the mortician or something...proof that he did a good job?

Anyway, I'm on board for the party after I'm gone. And the Catholics do have a bit of a shindig, after the funeral, with lots of food, etc. The only change I would make is...no funeral. OK, another change...booze, if my friends and relatives want it. Just come for the party and make it home safe.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I actually prefer to see the person in their casket...it helps bring a closure for me. Of all the funerals I have attended, the ones which were closed casket were the ones I struggled with accepting the death the most and sometimes for a very long time. When I went home for my father's funeral, the first thing I did when I got on Australian soil was go to the funeral home and sit with him as he lay in his coffin. He didn't look good, so that was not about saying how good he looked...in fact I had to look twice to recognise him at all...but it gave me closure, it gave me the time I needed to hold his hand, brush the lapel of his suit a I had when he was alive, kiss him goodbye and just say what I had to say to him even though he couldn't answer. I would never want to have missed that opportunity and time I needed. F waited outside and was there for me when I fell apart in his arms.

When I was younger and a lover of mine lost his mother, it also was an open casket funeral and it helped me. I was close to her, we shared many happy times, and I kissed her goodbye too. It is just something some of us find comforting.

Catalina

 

[otter09]

Catalina

Catalina whatever works well for you is very much okay you seem like a very nice person and if that works for you it is fine each person has its own unique point of view on this subject and there is no right way or wrong way I dont say too much in any of the forums but Ive always admired your intellect and think you sound like a person who someone would enjoy just sitting and having a coffee with and talking about life

 

[SubKekiLee]

I think it depends on how you went out of this world and that is how things should be celebrated. As my Sir said when my mom suddenly passed the passing of a soul should be a celebration ( which today is 4 months) So when we decided to cremate her so each of us could have a remembrence of her and then take her home by the ocean where she wanted to be.... So I think it is dependant on the situation.... Everyone connects in a different way.... I agree that funerals are for the living... not for the dead... Celebrate HOW you wish to..

 

[FurryFury]

It's hard to lose someone you love. I get where you're coming from here. Personally, the funeral is for the living. Its their time to face loss and make it formally real. I've been to several that weren't good for me or didn't meet my own beliefs, but then, I didn't plan them and it wasn't up to me. At the very least, I was able to support the immediate family and it did sort of help me come to terms with the fact that the person was gone in a formal way.

I'm not leaving alot of instructions for how to manage my body. Whoever is left needs to meet their own needs for dealing with my passing. If they want to put my remains in a sack and bury it, that's ok. If they want to donate my body, that's ok. If they need some elaborate service, that's ok too. Funerals are about surviving a loss. "I" will be somewhere else. Just my opinion.

Great post!

 

[FurryFury]

I actually prefer to see the person in their casket...it helps bring a closure for me. Of all the funerals I have attended, the ones which were closed casket were the ones I struggled with accepting the death the most and sometimes for a very long time. When I went home for my father's funeral, the first thing I did when I got on Australian soil was go to the funeral home and sit with him as he lay in his coffin. He didn't look good, so that was not about saying how good he looked...in fact I had to look twice to recognise him at all...but it gave me closure, it gave me the time I needed to hold his hand, brush the lapel of his suit a I had when he was alive, kiss him goodbye and just say what I had to say to him even though he couldn't answer. I would never want to have missed that opportunity and time I needed. F waited outside and was there for me when I fell apart in his arms.

When I was younger and a lover of mine lost his mother, it also was an open casket funeral and it helped me. I was close to her, we shared many happy times, and I kissed her goodbye too. It is just something some of us find comforting.

Catalina

I agree with you about viewing the body. I don't think it needs to be done the way most funerals do it.

Seeing my Dad before he was cremated with no make up but just all the devices removed was one of the most important and profound things I've felt. He looked golden to me. I felt his spirit there with me.

Seeing my Grandfather, buffed, painted and polished was not the same. He didn't look like him.

I felt robbed that my one request to my Grandmother who didn't want me near him because "You might kill him with disease because you have kids." was not granted. I wanted to see him after he died and before his body was taken away but I was not given that special time.

I absolutely believe that the fact we no longer prepare our own loved one's bodies but leave that to strangers hurts us in the grieving process.

Death is natural. Dealing with the body left behind by your loved one is natural. Cosmetics and embalming don't feel natural to me.

Therefore while I think viewing is important, for the survivors, I prefer viewings that are done much sooner and with less of the funeral industry crap. I don't feel the spirit hangs around the body very long in most cases.
I really relish that closure when I couldn't be there during the last moments.

We had a Celebration of Life for my Dad. Not many people here in the Deep South understood that. I think it really bothered a lot of folks. My Mom as it turned out got way too involved in the planning of this and did not properly process her grieving. I'm sure she enjoyed being too busy to do that but it was wrong for her.

Dad wanted to be cremated but he told me what really mattered were what my Mom and Grandparents needed. Of course Mom wouldn't hear that and insisted on doing things "his" way.

Consequently, the three of them were profoundly disturbed and unhappy by what was done. That's just wrong. I had to take the cremains (Don't get me started on how media makes us think they are merely ashes and a very small amount, okay?) away from her during one of her episodes. I just couldn't handle the literal head banging / blood against the wall and messing them about. She couldn't deal with them in her house.

So my advice is don't be stubborn at times like this. Take care of yourself, feel the loss, feel the pain, go on the painful journey, do what you need to to deal with the loss best.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I absolutely believe that the fact we no longer prepare our own loved one's bodies but leave that to strangers hurts us in the grieving process.

Death is natural. Dealing with the body left behind by your loved one is natural. Cosmetics and embalming don't feel natural to me.

I am so with you on this. I think as difficult as it might be to prepare your loved ones in death, I also think it would be one of the most loving acts you could do, and as you say, help those closest in the grieving process. Grnated, as times have changed a lot, there will be many who do not share this idea and that is OK, but for me, I have always felt it should be an option open to people. I know one of my university professors was Jewish and he had to reschedule a lecture once because a family member had died and he was one of the family responsible for preparing the body for burial. I thought at the time it was something I could really appreciate.

Catalina

 

[twysted73]

It dawned on me this week, as I prepared for, and attended the funeral for my Opa (grandfather), that I don't believe in funerals. They don't work for me. I think that they're ... inorganic, somehow. Not sure how. I just realized, as I organized our travel to the funeral, and as I dressed for it, and as I sat through it, and as I placed a rose on my Opa's coffin... that this just doesn't jive with my system of belief, for life.

I have my own concept of what I'd like for my family, after I'm gone... and I know that my ideas don't jive with most people's, and that's fine. I said nothing to my family about my beliefs, because my grandmother, my dad and his siblings, all needed this. The family needed it, and it was what my grandfather wanted.

I, myself, am a blood and organ donor, and will be cremated. I'd much rather set aside a chunk of money for my family to go to a pub and have a nice meal, a nice party, and enjoy good food and beer, than for them to have a viewing of my body, or to have a funeral for me. But again, that's me.


What do you want for your own 'funeral', 'celebration of life', 'memorial', etc? Are there tunes you want played, or a way that you'd want to be remembered? Tell me your thoughts on the subject.

Slainte` Jade.
It's almost like you were just over in the tim russert post.
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=27600512&postcount=14

Are you sre there isn't some Irish in you? (not a build up for a joke either, I promise. No more humor from me in regards to death today.)

I want an Irish wake as described in my post there for Tim Russert.

Family all around...walking in and out to pay respects, etc. If I'm to be buried or cremated, regardless, I want a bar stool near my head and a Guinness on it. I want my two pennies.
I want people to tell jokes about me.
Laugh at the things I've done and said.
I want to be the lifel(lessness) of the party.
I had a good time! Sure there was sadness but that's a part of it.
Celibrate me. Don't mourn me. I'd be in a better place then you are.
No pain, no taxes, just peacefulness and calm.

If I had one death wish...one against-nature wish it would be to be dead.......but be able to be "half-alive" for my wake beforehand.
To joke with them.
To laugh with them.
To make them happy I was a part of them. And then pass on at the stroke of midnight.

And months, years later...when you hear a song I loved, a movie I'd have adored or a girl I'd have appreciated, you smile and laugh to yourself. Not hang your head and be sad.

 

[EmpressFi]

well currently (as I change my mind all the time), after the organs have been donated, I want to be cremated. I want some sprinkled in the Ohio River from the boat dock in Ironton, Ohio. I want some sprinkled over my parents graves, and the rest spread to the air.

As far as viewing, they do, in one way, provide closure. I've blocked my father's face from my memory. It's bad enough I still have memories of his cancer-ridden, skeletal form standing naked in our living room while my mother bathed him.

I remember seeing my mother, 11 years later, lying in her coffin and touching her hand and hurting because the skin had no "give" to it. When the funeral director asked if she was ok, my first thought was that she'd hate the makeup .. but only said, "she's not smiling".

I have those memories and honest to Goddess, I wish I didnt. I mean, I'm glad that I learned exactly how my parents met. (My niece told me during the funeral) But I'd rather the memories I have of them had not been tarnished by the site of them dead. It's childish, I know. But it's how I feel and I'm allowed to feel that way no matter what anyone else thinks.

 

[madetotakeit]

I'm an organ donor and will be cremated. You can't be in my field and not appreciate the need for organ donation. There will be no funeral service for me. Call it a wake, call it a memoriam, call it whatever you like. I want it to be a celebration, a marking of the impact I made in living not of the impact I made in my passing.

The most beneficial service I have ever been to was my uncle's. He was not present in body, but he filled the rooms with his spirit. Everyone brought a picture of him that represented a memory. They were placed along a table on which stood things that marked his life, and of course a glass of his favorite single malt. Favorite songs, and even one that he hated but was a running joke between friends, were played and sung. There were tears at times, but to hear everyone's memories, to see everyone celebrating who he was to them as opposed to the grief in his being gone helped more in the acceptance than any pomp and circumstance in what is considered a traditional funeral nowadays.

 

[FurryFury]

I am so with you on this. I think as difficult as it might be to prepare your loved ones in death, I also think it would be one of the most loving acts you could do, and as you say, help those closest in the grieving process. Grnated, as times have changed a lot, there will be many who do not share this idea and that is OK, but for me, I have always felt it should be an option open to people. I know one of my university professors was Jewish and he had to reschedule a lecture once because a family member had died and he was one of the family responsible for preparing the body for burial. I thought at the time it was something I could really appreciate.

Catalina

I think having all this removed from us, makes death scarier and in turn, the grieving is also scarier and too often, left undone. This is a great fear of mine because I've seen what it can do to a person.

 

[malinborn]

I'm not planning on dying actually... but if i do i do not want to be buried by myself. If fi's wishes are to be cremated then that is what i wish as well. My one wish is that somewhere our ashes be spread together even if not at the same time

 

[LittleJade]

I think that the difficulty I have with open caskets, is that I notice the details.

When I was 8, I went to a funeral for my Auntie Gwen. She was severely developmentally challenged, and died of double pneumonia. The service was steeped in all kinds of canonical crap, and I couldn't go to the grave site, because I was on crutches at the time.

Auntie Gwen, "disfigured" as she was in life (her body was very literally twisted about, because of her disabilities), was always smiling. She couldn't speak words, but communicated well... she had big eyes, and had to wear one platform shoe because one side of her body was shorter than the other. When I saw her in that casket, she was not herself. Suddenly, she was a movie star- perfect skin, false eyelashes... the mortician (or whatever) had tried to make her look like everyone else, rather than like herself. It was disturbing. The false eyelashes, and the nail polish really stuck with me. These were things my grandmother (her step-mother) would never have allowed during life... and here they were on her.

My Opa- I didn't want to see him in the casket, but as I walked into the church, they were closing both sections of it.. not just the top. He was in his gray suit, and he was barefoot. *sigh* Ever seen a 95 year old's bare feet? Not pretty. Now make them dead, cold, and stiff. His body was not him. And even in life, he was not his body. This just made it harder for me.

I have not cried yet. I don't know if I will, to be honest. I tear up every now and then, for a few seconds... but I think his death is a positive thing. It's already caused some good, some healing in the family.

As to twysted- yes, I'm 1/4 Irish- my mom's dad is from Ireland.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think that the difficulty I have with open caskets, is that I notice the details.

I think most remember the details in times like those. I know for me it was very obvious my father did not look anything like himself ( I recognised him finally by his bald head...the marks and shape I knew so well), but I also figure that was unavoidable and they did the best they could...and his eyelids were glued shut quite obviously. Regardless, whether he had been stark naked, wrinkled or not, he was my father and the only problems I had were the fact he was dead, and my grief, not how he looked in death.

Catalina

 

[LittleJade]

I think most remember the details in times like those. I know for me it was very obvious my father did not look anything like himself ( I recognised him finally by his bald head...the marks and shape I knew so well), but I also figure that was unavoidable and they did the best they could...and his eyelids were glued shut quite obviously. Regardless, whether he had been stark naked, wrinkled or not, he was my father and the only problems I had were the fact he was dead, and my grief, not how he looked in death.

Catalina

Ever see a movie called K-Pax?

In it, there's this man who thinks he's an alien, and gets sent to a mental institution. He causes great joy, and great healing amongst the clients there, and in the end, he dies. When they find him, everyone is like "who is that? That's not K-Pax... this is someone else".

That's how I feel about dead bodies. They are not my loved ones. They are merely the vehicle of that loved one. I listened to the priest saying "into Your Hands, I commit the soul of Opa", and thought "He's already THERE, Dude. He moved on without your permission".

I dunno. *shrug*

 

[Homburg]

Organ donor, and I wish to be cremated. I despise funerals, and avoid them whenever possible. The last two I went to were because I wanted to support people there. In the first case it was viv on the loss of her grandfather, and the second was to support one of my best friends in the world that I've known since high school, after his father (also a friend of mine) passed unexpectedly.

I've avoided many funerals, sometimes catching hell for it. Don't care. It's a corpse. Meat. And it never looks anything like the person did in life. I despise that. I went to my maternal grandfather's funeral, and he looked awful. Fleshy, made up, and looking 15+ years younger than he was at the time of death. It wasn't my grandfather, it was some plastic thing that looked like an artist's conception of him from a twenty year old photograph. I was affronted, and vowed, at 15 years old, to never willingly attend another funeral. Aside from the two mentioned above, I haven't.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina whatever works well for you is very much okay you seem like a very nice person and if that works for you it is fine each person has its own unique point of view on this subject and there is no right way or wrong way I dont say too much in any of the forums but Ive always admired your intellect and think you sound like a person who someone would enjoy just sitting and having a coffee with and talking about life

Thanks. There is much to talk about concerning life....I am learning to talk more instead of staying in my head...think it might be to do with the fact that it is now very rare I get someone to talk to in my own language so when it happens it can be a bit manic on the wrong day.

Catalina

 

[caela]

Being a single adult this is a conversation I've had with my mother on more than one occasion so that she'd be aware of my wishes. Any organs that are still viable (since I'm only 28 death would most likely be from an accident of some sort) are to be donated and I want the rest of my body cremated and the ashes spread somewhere in nature. It doesn't have to be anywhere specific, hell it could be the field behind her house for all I care, I just want my body returned to the earth that nourished me. And want it returned there in a manner that is free of a bunch of chemicals that would make me toxic to that same Earth.

As for the actual funeral, wake, party etc. she can feel free to plan that in whatever way feels best to her and the rest of my family.

 

[cati]

Jade...I'm very sorry for your loss. From your other posts I gathered that your "Opa" was a very special gentleman, both interesting and wordly, with lots of wisdom to pass down to his family.
My dad died three years ago and my Mom followed suit just over a year ago. They were both in their eighties.
We had them both cremated, no visitation, no shindig afterwards. Most of their closest friends had passed away before them, so we felt a larger funeral just wasn't appropriate. We had a nice little graveside service for both parents with just the immediate family in attendance. It was private, sweet and to the point.
My sister and I will also be cremated, my sons can make their own decision regarding their burial when the time comes.. To us, the thought of spending thousands of dollars for an expensive casket and funeral just seems such a waste of time and money not to mention "emotion".

Final Note: If I'm aged and terminally ill, I've told my family that I plan to take a cruise during my final days where I will drink my fill of whatever alcohol is available, take a few diazepam's for added crunch and with any luck fall or jump overboard. I guess they can forget the cremation and just write something nice on my memorial. I do not want to die in a hospital.

 

[otter09]

Catalina

I wouldnt worry Catalina you always sound interesting and are quite intelligent so whenever you say somethings its worth taking the time to read I enjoy seeing your posts very much