Fun Thread - Issue 2 - Post your jokes here.

[matriarch]

I have been searching for the old 'This place needs a new fun thread' thread, in vain, and have given up.

So here it is, the re-born 'fun thread'...........simply because I have a whole new raft of jokes and pics that need sharing with the whole of the Lit world, not just a chosen few.

Here's my first offering:

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You know you're a Redneck when .....

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, Bubba, watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a day-care.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

14. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

15. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

17. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

18. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

19. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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Usual disclaimers: These are not intended for any one person or group of people, we've all seen them in every nation. I just found them hysterically funny in the midst of a manically busy day.

 

[millennium_bard]

I apoligize in advance to all who are going to be offended by this.

*shamelessly copied from debsnewsletter.com archives.*

How to be a Small Town Slut



Blowjobs

First things first, you have to give blowjobs. Like, all the time. And you have to talk
about giving blowjobs to your girlfriends on the bleachers at the baseball diamond. This trashy girl
asked me if I ever gave a blowjob and I said no, I had just turned 18, and she cut me off and said she
swallowed the cum and it tasted like salt. I asked if she would get pregnant and she looked up and to the
left like she had no idea and went, “Um, no. It’s in my tummy. And besides, I am on my period now.”
She had a dirty backyard too and I almost stepped on a soiled diaper.

You have to have a dirty backyard if you want to be a small town slut.

Back to blowjobs. Now, we have all heard of a girl who gave some guy a blowjob in front
of his buddies after he threw a blanket on her head. This is truly something to aspire to.
Especially if she’s doin’ it for weed.

Handjobs

I know I’ve jumped the gun and went straight to blowjobs but still, a handjob is where it all
begins (after french-kissing) and is quite essential in the mastering of one’s craft.

You can’t be shy. You can’t have shame. You have to grab crotch.

Lean against those hydro boxes, (in America you fucks probably don’t understand
what this is, you see, Canada has three million lakes. That’s how we have electricity and
the like. We have all these green power boxes in the suburbs and we sit on them and smoke weed even
when it’s cold out. Anyway.) Lean against those hydro boxes and take out his dick and spit on your hand
and move it around all over the place. He’s probably baked and shy and insecure of being a high school
dropout. Really, he’s romantic and has a big burning crush on you but still, he will be
forced to tell all his friends about your shitty handjob.

This is a good thing because then everyone will know you are a slutface and will invite
you over to smoke weed in the hopes of a handjob.

Being felt up

Ok, I don’t know what fucking show you use to watch or what novels you’ve
read, but no one says “being felt up,” ever!

I don’t know what we say. Probably “Oh, I grabbed her tits” or “I sucked her boobs.”

Whatever.

That’s just uncomfortable and boring most times because you have to look down at this
loser trying to get you all hot by gently nipping at your under-developed
nubbies and now he’s seen your dirty, shit bra.

The only good thing about having your tits sucked is you get to hold your soda and your
smoke and you don’t have to do anything but wait for him to
get a boner and then you can go to town on it

Kissing

You have to use your tongue, there is no question about it unless he knows you’re
super trash and wants to go straight to a blowjob.

This is fine.

If you want him to fall in love with you, you might want to put some hot breath action on
his ear and make your voice all throaty and go, “Damn, I wanna suck your
cock so bad” or whatever dumb things you think of.

If you don’t know how to kiss you are a tardbag and should probably stay indoors and wait
until your parents bring you over to the relatives and let your uncle make eyes at you.

Kinkiness

I’m not even going to tell you about this because small town guys can’t handle it.
They don’t have the attention span nor staying power to let you talk dirty to ‘em or hog-tie ‘em.
Whatever. Reserve your wild side for sugar daddies and fat men with money.

You’ll thank me later

 

[doormouse]

wooohooooooooo mat!!!!!

Another joke thread yay

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotapuss

LOL

Oh god that's bad

 

[matriarch]

wooohooooooooo mat!!!!!

Another joke thread yay

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotapuss

LOL

Oh god that's bad

*Groan*

Indeed. Very bad.

 

[Weird Harold]

Joke of the day:

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.The first guy jumps. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, so he falls again, bounces, and then comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, the second guy finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a 'piñata'?"

 

[rgraham666]

All the world's great computer scientists got together to create the world's most powerful computer.

They worked for years, designing and building components, programing the device drivers and subroutines to make it work.

Finished, they fed in all the information they could find; physics, chemistry, philosophy, arts, you name it.

Once this was done they asked it their first question, "Is there a God?"

The immediate reply was, "There is now."

 

[doormouse]

Joke of the day:



The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a 'piñata'?"

LMFAO!!!!!!

OMG loved it lol