Fun Dirty Jokes to start the day.

[Discreet61NEOH]

I want to apologize if this is redundant ( I have posted this in the personals as well ) Sometimes just a good way to say HI and make your fellow Literotica reader smile is a good old fashioned dirty joke ( well this IS a reading area first and foremost ).

I will attempt to get the ball rolling. This is a bit of an 'older' joke but it was brought back to me by a person I saw the other day.

At a bus stop there was an old man and a punk rocker type guy waiting for the bus. The punk rocker's hair was spiked in multiple directions and each tip was a different color.

The old man just sits there staring at the punk rocker. Finally the punk rocker says: ' What are you staring at old man ? Haven't you ever done anything crazy when you were young ' ?

To which the old man replies: ' Well as a matter of fact I did. When I was young I once fucked a parrot and I have been sitting here wondering if you might be my son ' !

Have a great day !

 

[poppadog]

Good idea - we could all do with a good laugh!

Purely to wind up certain other lit users I will go with the very silly:-

What is Brown and Sticky???

A Stick! Hahahahahahahahah!!!!

 

[GauchoMan]

Well ... here is my contribution being cut and posted from an earlier post of mine on another thread. Hopefully it shall appeal to both the Lit & the Erotic fans !
------------------------------------
A man walking past a closed door hears another man's desperate voice from inside saying ,

" SUCK babyyy Scukkkkk... BLOW is just a figure of Speech ! "


----------------

Never fails to raise a laugh when I imagine what is really going on side. A Dumb Blonde maybe ? ( and to be on the safe side - Many Apologies to all the Blondes here )

 

[talikat]

I want to apologize if this is redundant ( I have posted this in the personals as well ) Sometimes just a good way to say HI and make your fellow Literotica reader smile is a good old fashioned dirty joke ( well this IS a reading area first and foremost ).

I will attempt to get the ball rolling. This is a bit of an 'older' joke but it was brought back to me by a person I saw the other day.

At a bus stop there was an old man and a punk rocker type guy waiting for the bus. The punk rocker's hair was spiked in multiple directions and each tip was a different color.

The old man just sits there staring at the punk rocker. Finally the punk rocker says: ' What are you staring at old man ? Haven't you ever done anything crazy when you were young ' ?

To which the old man replies: ' Well as a matter of fact I did. When I was young I once fucked a parrot and I have been sitting here wondering if you might be my son ' !

Have a great day !

Haaaaaaa hahahaha!!! I've never heard that!!

*************************
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

.............................................................................................................


One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

 

[TomBoner]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 

[talikat]

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

 

[Pinktacokitty]

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no fucking!” They yell back, “We’re not fucking!”

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no fucking!” Again they yell back, “We’re not fucking!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no fucking!” They yell back, “We’re not fucking!”

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re fucking.

 

[Dogma52]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.


'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle
in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms,
he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me
then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you,
an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure
as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

 

[Pinktacokitty]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
“Hi, Keith!”

 

[talikat]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"