Friends with exes

[audiodiva]

My husband and I are separating. I understand that he is having a difficult time with the idea of attending family functions because of his feelings. We have been together 10yrs and he is very much a part of my family.

I expressed my hope that he will find someone who can meet the needs I cannot and that they would both come to family things (i.e. game nights, dinner etc...). He doubts that any woman would understand that dynamic.

Is it only my family? Because he would absolutely be welcomed, as would anyone he was with. Assuming he was genuinely moving on, would a new GF be threatened by his relationship with me or my family?

I am not talking about calling all the time, asking him to do things for me or be my best friend. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself (which was actually part of the problem), but coming to hang out for games as friends and "family" (our family has a tendency to collect people and create our own family as we go along).

Let me clarify that I am referring to evenings with my parents, "sisters" (and their biological relatives), and nieces - husband and I have no biological children in common, his adult children are not geographically close. He has been extremely close to my family, going so far as to make a point of being there for my niece's birth this week, in the midst of moving out.

So - Is my family just weird? Could you go to your current BF/GF's exes house and spend an evening with what would, at that point, be his/her friends who happen to include an ex and his/her "family"?

 

[Eilan]

I think that it would depend on the circumstances of the breakup.

I've been divorced for almost 10 years, and I still have separate family functions (think kids' birthday parties) because some of my family members can't be in the same zip code as my ex. I guess I understand that, but if I'm the one who was "wronged," and I can move past it, then why can't they?

My in-laws are still very, very close to my husband's first wife, whom they've known since she and my husband were high-school sweethearts. She's still in love with my husband, even though they've been divorced for at least 15 years. We'll never meet, and that's more than fine with me; in fact, she makes a point of avoiding family functions (like my FIL's 90th birthday bash) if she knows my husband and I will be there.

That's my n=1, at any rate. YMMV.

 

[subwannabe]

Having a good or great relationship with an ex, particularly when children are involved, is a worthy goal but going too far is not realistic. If you want to get on with your life a new suitor will find it hard to understand a close relationship with the ex. Same thing on his part, maybe even more so. Most new relationships would probably run out the backdoor not wanting to deal with it. Do your best, no reason to be mean, but don't carry it too far. My ex told me she wanted a divorce but that she would still like to be friends and go out to dinner and the movies. I told her I couldn't do that and got on with my life. That worked out for me.

 

[maybewicked]

My ex and I were together for 15 yrs and we have 2 kids. The first year he continued to come at holidays and small get together. Now (its been apox.3 yrs) we do separate holidays. However he is welcome to come. This past year we were going to visit his mom in fl. for a week together with the kids. We talk everyday and have a good friend relationship. His GF and I get along well too. I don't think its too uncommon. But I think that its a good example to set for the kids that you can be adults.

 

[CWatson]

My ex-fiancée's family does not welcome me, but then they didn't do that when we were dating. I was her first boyfriend, and she was a bit perturbed when I told her, "I still care about all my other exes, they still have just a tiny corner of my heart." Now that she has an ex too, I'm assuming she better understands how I felt.

Honestly, I don't think there is a be-all end-all fit-all rule for every family ever; nor do I think there needs to be. Every relationship is different, and everyone needs to make their own accomodations with each other. I'm not sure how my family feels about my ex-fiancée at this point (and, given the antipathy with which her family has always treated me and mine, it's difficult to find out), but as far as I'm concerned, she will always be welcome wherever I go, and anyone who disagrees really doesn't respect me very much.

As to your ex-husband-to-be's potential-future-girlfriend--boy, that's an unwieldy title. Let's just call her Steve. As to Steve, why worry about her? Honestly, it depends on her. If you all want him to continue being a part of your family, there's nothing wrong with that, and if Steve doesn't like that, then she's not right for him. You, and your husband, and your family, are allowed to conduct their affairs in any manner they please.

My free advice; worth what you paid for it.

 

[GeoffScott]

sydney escorts

Using a good or great relationship with the ex, particularly if kids are involved, can be a worthy goal but going past an acceptable limit will not be realistic. If you would like continue your health a brand new suitor may find it tough to learn a close relationship using the ex. Same thing on his part, it mat be much more. Most new relationships would probably run out the backdoor not wanting to manage it. Do your very best, pointless to be mean, but don't make it too far. My ex laughed and said she wanted a divorce but that she would still love to be friends and go out to dinner along with the movies. I told her I couldn't accomplish that but got i'll carry on with my entire life. That helped me.

 

[Cattypuss]

I think it should be entirely up to your ex-husband to make the final call, after taking everyone's wishes into account.

 

[StrayKat]

Nope.
I have been married 16 years, 2 kids, the divorce was a nightmare. I tried to keep it civil for the sake of the kids but neither he nor his family made any effort to do anything but hate me and disturb me as much as they could.
I am married 10 years the second time now and completely happy not to have heard from my ex in past 8 years or so.

What bothers me the most is when my Father died none of them ever expressed any condolences. My Dad helped them so much and my ex was calling him long after I cut every contact. So, not for me but because of everything he did for them, they could have sent at least one lousy telegram. Just shows what kind of people they are. Yes, I hate them back too. They can all die in fire I would not bother to piss on to put it out.

 

[Pandora73]

I think it's certainly possible, though it may not be the most common scenario, for sure.

I've been divorced for a little over 7 years (no kids though) and my ex and I are still good friends, and my family adores him. My father passed away last week, the funeral was on Saturday, and my ex attended. My father did more for him in the short time he knew him than his own father did his entire life. Everyone in my immediate family was very touched he came and happy to see him. But yes, I realize we're an oddity.

Now if my ex had actually remarried or was dating someone new and brought her, would they be OK with it? Not sure, but I think they would look to me for their cues and go with that. If I was perfectly fine around the new woman in his life, then my guess is they would be, too. Being that they're my family, they are concerned about my happiness and well-being, and if I'm OK with something, they usually are as well.

Now my ex hasn't had a new girlfriend per se (though he would argue the semantics of that), but he's been carrying on an affair with a married woman for the last 2 years or so. The really funny part to me was that she was really jealous of our friendship. My contact with him dropped off precipitously in the last couple of years (and he lives here in town where I do, she's in South Carolina) because he didn't want to deal with her shit when she found out we had gone to see a movie or something. I found that terribly amusing because let's see... oh yeah, she's married!! AND, there is a reason my ex and I divorced – we never slept together when we were married so why in the world would we sleep together when we're divorced?! It was so completely irrational for her to be jealous of us hanging out together; I never understood it. Anyway, they recently "broke up" ... what a shock.

Anyway, I just think it boils down to the people involved. Some people can't handle that kind of thing regardless of the situation. I've always tried to look at it in terms of being happy for my ex and hoping he'll find the love he wants, and I think he feels the same about me. We didn't find happiness with each other but that doesn't preclude us from hoping we do find it with someone new. But unfortunately I think jealousy far too often rears its ugly head. I'm often shocked at how exes treat one another when a relationship is over, particularly those with children. It can be very sad.

 

[Scotsman69]

I've always tried to stay friends with my exs, usually successfully.

Alas, I fear that with the deep soulmate who has recently rejected me, that will not be possible. She is 'Melanie' in my many stories inspired by our love.

 

[wicked woman]

As said before, I think it depends on the people involved, both the exes, the new GF/BF and the families. It's certainly possible but I don't think it's common.

I've been divorced for over 30 years. My ex and I have always been on friendly terms although we don't socialize except at family functions. When his parents were alive, I saw them more than he did. Our children lived with me and they were their grandparents. Besides they were good people. I'm the one that kept vigil over my FIL when he was dying, not his own kids.

The relationship with his wife depends on her. His second wife was jealous of me so I stayed out of the way. It made it easier on my ex. His third wife is quite secure and realistic about me, so we get along fine. When one of my sons invited his Dad and current wife over for Xmas dinner (I always spend Xmas but my ex rarely does on the actual day) I was tickled pink that my son could have both of his parents and step mom there. Wasn't an issue. But then again, this is the woman who at my other son's wedding, praised the relationship my ex and I have, to her kids.

It can get comical at times. I remember at the funerals of both of my in laws that all of the ex-in-laws were over in a corner talking, joking about all the havoc we could have. But not one of us would have missed the funerals.

So possible but unfortunately not common, in my experience.

 

[audiodiva]

Thank you

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences and perspectives.

I think it should be entirely up to your ex-husband to make the final call, after taking everyone's wishes into account.

Agreed. I haven't pushed, but have just invited him and made it clear that the family would love him to come to family functions and that I am ok with it if he is. So far he has chosen to come more often than not.

But yes, I realize we're an oddity.

I think they would look to me for their cues and go with that. If I was perfectly fine around the new woman in his life, then my guess is they would be, too. Being that they're my family, they are concerned about my happiness and well-being, and if I'm OK with something, they usually are as well.

Anyway, I just think it boils down to the people involved. Some people can't handle that kind of thing regardless of the situation. I've always tried to look at it in terms of being happy for my ex and hoping he'll find the love he wants, and I think he feels the same about me. We didn't find happiness with each other but that doesn't preclude us from hoping we do find it with someone new. But unfortunately I think jealousy far too often rears its ugly head. I'm often shocked at how exes treat one another when a relationship is over, particularly those with children. It can be very sad.

My family is also odd. My mom has a tendency to "adopt" people in to the family and has created a nice family along the way. I have already gotten the feedback from family that they support me and if I am ok with it they are.

I care for him and want him to be happy, so hope he finds someone who is a better fit for him than I am. Further hope that she would be good with his "family" but that will be something to worry about when the time comes. For now it is just one step at a time.

Honestly, I don't think there is a be-all end-all fit-all rule for every family ever; nor do I think there needs to be. Every relationship is different, and everyone needs to make their own accomodations with each other.

As to your ex-husband-to-be's potential-future-girlfriend--boy, that's an unwieldy title. Let's just call her Steve. As to Steve, why worry about her? Honestly, it depends on her. If you all want him to continue being a part of your family, there's nothing wrong with that, and if Steve doesn't like that, then she's not right for him. You, and your husband, and your family, are allowed to conduct their affairs in any manner they please.

My free advice; worth what you paid for it.

Thank you again for that perspective. Absolutely valid point - borrowing trouble at this point. For now he has returned to attending family functions and the family loves having him. One step at a time.