Friend or Lover

[Doughboy48]

Her name is Anna but she is referred to by DD by our friend group. Not for the reason you would think, she is a small B, but because of the douche bag she used to be married to. We have been friends for close to 20 years. Our friend group is tight and we have went on vacations together, get together 4-5 times a year for dinner and do various other things together. I have always enjoyed her friendship although we were never what I would call close till about a year ago. Some of that was due to me being married, her being married or just not prioritizing it. Things changed about a year ago. She lost her job and was out of work but she was supplementing her income by selling cookies, cupcakes and other delicious sweets. As would any good friend I started buying some things from her for clients, parties or just to take to work. Up to this point in our relationship I had never thought of her as anything but a friend, but things changed with her saying a simple phrase. When I was picking up my latest order one night she had asked to meet me at the local Walgreens. I’m not from her town but when I had arrived I noticed that the Walgreens had shut down. No big deal, it was off the interstate and easy to get in and out of so logical spot to meet. When I arrived she was already there and when we had gotten out of our cars we hugged as usual and she made the comment that has made my head spin ever since “I was hoping no one else would be here”. What she was referring to was the other two people that were talking in the parking lot. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but then I began to wonder why she would have said that. I came to only one logical conclusion that she wanted more than to just give me cupcakes that day. Since that day we have text several times and I have tried to flirt. Some days she is all about it, some days it is hard to get her to engage with any conversation. When we are together with our friend group she is always looking at me, always comes to talk to me, is quick to help if I need it and the hugs she seems to hang on a bit longer than usual. The last time we saw each other we were sitting across the table from each other talking, she stared deep into my eyes, moved her hair so I could see more of her neck and was leaning in to the conversation. All strong signs of sexual tension and desire. Of course I couldn’t just take her someplace and pound her out since we were with our friend group and that included my wife and daughter but it was clear to me that is what she wanted, at least I think that is what she wanted. Since then we have text a few times with me trying to flirt but she has not engaged. I even tried to get her to think about it when I told her she needed to ask me about a dream I had of her. She asked surface level questions but didn’t even come close to asking what was I wearing, did we fuck, or anything like that. She did ask if I was there but that was about it. I’m totally confused if she wants some cock or if she is just being nice. I want to make a move on her if the situation presents itself but I also want to make sure she is wanting it. I don’t want to make it awkward for our friend group but we could easily have a fwb relationship without anyone knowing it. What does everyone think I should do? Save the moral get with your wife, that isn’t what I’m looking for. She doesn’t and won’t give me what I need and I have told her multiple times with no changes. I feel like this can be a mutual sexual relationship that she could get what she needs, she is single and not looking, and I actually have sexual satisfaction in my life to alleviate stress and frustration. I’m looking forward to what everyone thinks. Sounds like this is a story in the making that one day if it goes how I think it is going I’ll write.

 

[Doughboy48]

Does anyone have any questions? Should I make a move or just move on to someone else.

 

[NOBGE]

Does anyone have any questions? Should I make a move or just move on to someone else.

If you’re wanting, try being a little more obvious with the flirting texts or more direct when you meet to pick up her cupcakes.

 

[Britva415]

She probably felt rejected when you didn’t take her up on it when she threw herself at you.

So, she moved on.

Can you fix this? Maybe, but most likely not.

The way to fix it would be to be decisive, create an opportunity, make your intentions super clear without being crude or crass (flirt VERY hard), and, don’t be all wishy-washy and overly cautious. Have the confidence to make a HARD pass at her without falling apart if it doesn’t work out. She could still say No or ghost you, but, if you want another chance, reach out and grab it if it’s available. If it’s not, well, you did (eventually) try.

Then drop it. This time she’s the one with one chance. Not really, that’s still you, but, act as if.
If you then find out you didn’t really have a chance, then be a gentleman and drop it once and for all with her.

What you have been doing hasn’t been working, so, if there’s any chance she hasn’t already mentally ruled you out, then you have to get her attention and show your interest. Be clear without being a pig about it, but, show it. And tell her where, when and what - again, just enough so that it’s clear you’re going to act, without grossing her out with overly lewd statements. Act like that guy who has the confidence to either pull this off or cheerfully survive it when you don’t.

If not her, do it again with someone else. Not just the ones who throw themselves at you. Make someone want to, by showing your attraction and interest.

 

[Doughboy48]

Thank you both! I haven’t text her in a few weeks. I’m sure I blew my chance without having the confidence to make a move. That sucks because she is a Smokeshow and I think a lot of fun! I’m at a point where I’m not sure what to say or text her now which is why I haven’t reached out. I guess next time I see her I’ll see how acts around me. If she gives me the “fuck you” eyes like last time it hangs on a little longer when we hug then I’m going to go for it.

 

[linkierox]

First of all, I hate to break it to you, but you’re still in a marriage, even it isn’t THE ONE. Make sure that your wife understands that you’re looking for an outlet since she’s not engaged in any sexual activities with you. Compromising, talking to your wife. Show each other some respects. If you and your wife can come to a compromise, that’s the best scenario. If she doesn’t want that, well then give her a notification: “Hi, this is your husband. Since you can’t give me what I want despite how hard I’ve tried (make sure you try first), I’ll have to look for it somewhere else”.

Secondly, the other friend, who happens to be a girl, of yours has multiple interactions in her life. If she doesn’t succeed with you, she just has to look for a guy somewhere else. Again, go talk to her. Make sure she knows what happened when she made the first move and you didn’t give her what she wanted.

And finally, communicate to each other more please guys. Don’t just keep it in your head and go up here asking for advice. If you want something, then ask. At least you will have clear conscious if being denied.

 

[Britva415]

Thank you both! I haven’t text her in a few weeks. I’m sure I blew my chance without having the confidence to make a move. That sucks because she is a Smokeshow and I think a lot of fun! I’m at a point where I’m not sure what to say or text her now which is why I haven’t reached out. I guess next time I see her I’ll see how acts around me. If she gives me the “fuck you” eyes like last time it hangs on a little longer when we hug then I’m going to go for it.

No, man, you can't wait for her to show you you have another chance. You have to show her first that you're exciting, that you're decisive, that you're worth her attention. That you're fun.

Remember what I said about going after someone else. If DD is the one you really want, fuck someone she knows - or at least flirt with someone she knows. Or flirt and/or fuck someone she doesn't know, but, do it so that she'll know you're doing it. Do this between now and some time when you'll cross paths with DD again.

Do it with more than one woman. Ideally, do it 'till you score. This will get DD's attention in a few different ways, not least being the fact that she'll know you're serious about going through with it if the two of you ever do again find yourselves signaling interest, availability and intent.

On the plus side, you'll get to have some fun even if it's not with DD. Additionally, if it gets back to DD that you've found the brass to attract a woman, it might re-spark her interest. If it does, move in. Do not hesitate.

 

[Nicenashguy615]

That sounds like it has disaster written all over it.

I like to fuck around but I’ve always been very careful to do it with women outside my work/friend/neighborhood circles.

She’s also vulnerable right now. She’s single and unemployed. I’ve known people who dabbled in scenarios like this only to have the chick purposely ruin the marriage hoping you’ll hook up with them permanently.

 

[JillPaula]

I have a strong feeling she's "interested," but hesitant to commit. It probably took a lot oof courage for her to ask for the first parking lot meeting. When it was thwarted, she felt deflated, and is having trouble working up that much courage again, maybe even having serious doubts as to whether ort not she should have ever done it.

I do have a suggestion. Text her and remind her about your previous last meeting in that Walgreen's parking lot. Tell her you've been thinking about it. Then, in the same message, ask if she'd meet you in the same place once again. Add a comment something like, "Maybe there won't be two other people there this time." If she asks why, and only if she asks why, say it's because you enjoy her company, and you felt like your last meeting with he there got short-circuited for some reason.

Then sit back and wait. If she accepts, you'll know she's "interested," because there is no other reason I can think of, other than expanding your current relationship into something broader and deeper than it is now... Give it a shot. You have nothing to lose.

 

[Noor]

I’d say friend who feels safe not being on guard around you, and also because you’re married. She’s not safe and it sounds you are only acting like a friend because you want to fuck her.

 

[Doughboy48]

I text her again for the first time in a few months last week. She quickly responded and we have been catching up since. I like the idea of suggesting another meet up at the Walgreens. I’ll give it a shot and see if she is down for it. In the meantime I’ve been working out to try and slim this dad bod back down to fighting weight!

 

[Izanami9]

Fwiw, you sound like you aren’t entirely sure what you actually want to happen. I can’t recommend strongly enough that you take time with yourself to really figure that out, especially before you do anything that has the potential to go sideways in spectacularly awful fashion, like trying to fuck a long-term friend who is woven into your life in many ways.

People are complex, often emotionally fragile creatures, yourself included. That makes friend groups like yours a kind of delicate, layered web; anything you do will have ripple effects on the others, not only on DD, your wife & you - and on the group as a whole.

You clearly have some justifiable anger or at least frustration towards your wife - and so would I, if I were in your situation as you described it - which is pushing you to take action and create change. The change is needed, since you’re unhappy, but the question is what kind of change would meet your needs without potentially betraying the trust of anyone important to you. Trust is hard-won, easily destroyed.

I agree that you should communicate more clearly how you feel - with your wife first, who might not be aware how frustrated you’ve become, no matter how obvious you feel it should be, and with your friends *and* potentially with a no-strings hookup that entails less risk to your social circle.

Best of luck and be well!

 

[Doughboy48]

I waited to long now she is dating someone. I saw her a couple weekends ago and she clearly kept a distance but also gave me a huge hug when she left. Oh well, I missed my chance but it was for the better any way.