Friend -> FWB?

[exiled_oblivion]

So, here's the situation:

Many years ago when I was involved in running a night at our local pub, this one girl used to turn up that I immediately had a sexual interest in, but she was in what appeared to be an FWB situation with one of my other friends at the time. They'd be all over each other in the pub, but every time anyone asked if they were together she'd just laugh and say 'we're just friends!'

We became (normal) friends anyway - not close friends, but enough to chat when we see each other, hang around with the same people, like the same music etc etc. Definitely not call-in-a-crisis level friends though.

Her original possibly-FWB situation ended with her in tears in the pub one night. She vanished off the scene for some years (presumably to avoid him). From what I could gather he'd insulted her weight and possibly said some other shit to her; I don't know whether her reaction was just due to the insults or whether it's because she had (like many people in FWB situations) become emotionally invested in the guy.

So the years rolled by, some more girls came and went, and I wound up with a different woman who is now my ex-wife (she cheated on me).

A few months ago I randomly ended up talking to the girl in the pub (the wife was elsewhere), but didn't really have any continuing interest in her due to being married. We had a bit of a chat - probably more than we'd ever spoken before, but nothing particular happened and the night was cut short by one of my friends anyway.

Shortly after that, the wife and I went to a gig and the girl was also there. The wife was not amused by the affectionate hug the girl gave me. Allegedly, some verbal sparring happened between them in the toilets because the girl allegedly seemed to be talking about me in a slightly too affectionate way for my wife's liking. I have no way of knowing what was actually said; this info was 2nd hand through the wife, so it may well have been complete paranoia/overexaggeration on her part (she's very insecure). That said, from what the wife said, I can well imagine that exchange being real. Either way, I had to do a lot of work to reassure her that I was not cheating with this girl (how ironic...)

Now my marriage has ended (although not legally yet), and I'm looking to make a move on this girl, but not for anything serious. I won't be looking for another relationship for some time. Plus, I know for a fact that although we're friends, a full relationship between us just wouldn't work.

So the situation is a little more complex than normal.

So I suppose I'd like some opinions on:

a) whether she may still be up for an FWB type situation or whether she's been scared off by her previous experience (difficult to tell, I know, but if anyone else out there has had a similar experience maybe I can get a bit of an insight before I go charging in), and

b) how best to go about approaching her and making it happen without potentially ruining a friendship and/or ending up being labelled a 'player' amongst our many mutual friends.

I guess I'm trying to figure out if I'm barking up the wrong tree and potentially avoid anything embarrassing/awkward happening.

Any advice appreciated. Even if it's just 'you need more information'

 

[phelon]

my advice would be to have at least a couple hangout days to figure out how much of a friend she will be. Once you have that information you should have a calm talk in a neutral setting and be honest. Explain your attraction, your feelings and your concerns and be prepared to give her some time to think on it. Even if she says yes, I recommend having some regular hang out times to keep at least a casual friendship going beyond any sexual encounters.

 

[FGB]

Listen up.

You are going to have to have a real serious discussion about what each of you want and will tolerate. You both have to be happy with what you get out of the relationship.

Not going to work else.

Not as easy as it sounds.

 

[exiled_oblivion]

Ok so on Friday night we were both out at a gig so I did a bit of recon.

It was really fucking difficult to judge. Lots of lingering eye contact, a few other standard signs of attraction, but nothing that felt definite enough to act on immediately. Found out she is seeing someone else (he wasn't there) , but it's not serious yet. She seemed a bit annoyed with the guy for flaking out on some plans.

Anyway, we spent a lot of time together and I think I've laid some solid ground work from which I can escalate the next time I see her. Just trying to figure out in my head how direct I can get away with being...

 

[Que]

"Laying groundwork" is a bad idea. The more time that passes, the more likely you're going to end up friend-zoned than with a friend with benefits.

Given that you are freshly out of a marriage or about to be in your case that's the perfect opportunity to drop into the conversation that you are in no place for a relationship. Especially since that is undoubtedly true.

If you do not display clear, unambigous sexual intent soon this fantasy will remain that.

 

[exiled_oblivion]

Yeah I'm well aware of that.

Better to wait until next time I see her or message her and attempt some escalation that way?

I wanna be the guy that actually sees her and talks to her rather than one of the many messages popping up on her phone, but if I gotta do that I gotta do that.

 

[exiled_oblivion]

Update: messaged her asking if she was free on wed night, she's busy. Asked about Friday and got 'might see the bloke I've been seeing, if not I'll be in town somewhere...'

Looks like I've missed the boat from where I'm sat.