French Resistance - Brothel life in Paris

[phantome71]

I would like some feed back about this story http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=231835

Please let me know whadyer think

Phantome 71

 

[mellowgyrl]

Interesting read and I normally don't read nonconsent. I'm new but am gradually coming out of my shell and trying to provide the best feedback that I can (with my limited knowledge). That being said there were only a few things I thought I'd point out about your story

>>You tend to tell rather than show. Yup, I didn't have a clue what that meant when my editor told me the same thing. Its a difficult thing to explain but very obvious when you see it. Take this for instance:

Then she spotted Madam Deloise. She was quite heavily made up and was dressed to kill.

How was she heavily made up? What made her dressed to kill? Yes, it is up to the readers to use their imagination but sometimes its the writer's job to paint the picture for them.

How about...Dominique eyed Madam Deloise. She feared staring at the older woman but couldn't take her eyes off the amount of makeup that covered her face. Distinct lines were formed in foundation of where her makeup ended. Thick eyeliner and heavy mascara darkened her eyes. She wasn't the same image that had accosted her in the bathroom. Or something along those lines. What might be heavy makeup to you might not be to somebody else, but if you paint the image its clear.


She could see that people were staring at her as she went by in the back of the open truck, between the two soldiers. They must have wondered just what might be about to happen to her.

Telling...not showing. I know it seems nit picking. I thought it was extremely nit picking when my editor first pointed it out. Then he edited a paragraph for me and it totally blew my mind how much better it sounded!

>>Your narrative is sarcastic. Again, I didn't know what that meant when my editor told me. The narrator should be neutral throughout the story. The narrator isn't empathetic with the character the reader is....kinda. For instance:

Poor Dominique! She was still reeling from the day's events and now she was to "advertise" her body for sale. Except that no money changed hands in this brothel.

Maybe say..."Poor me," Dominique cried to herself. Steel reeling from the day's events she was now informed that she would be required to sell her body.

The story is really good. I don't want to come off like I'm ripping your story to shreds or anything like that. I don't know if you have an editor, if you don't maybe you should seek one out. Not that your writing style is bad or anything like that. Another pair of eyes is just priceless to me!

Well, that's my two cents. Hope that helps!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

You could have made the story much stronger with a bit of simple research. The SS did not have corporals, they had equivalent ranks, in the case of corporal the rank would have been Rottenführer.

I don't quite understand why she was stranded in Paris, especially given the fact that she would have only been 16 or 17 when the Germans occupied the city. Given the fact that her parents were rich, it would have been no problem to get her to Vichy, and then onto a boat to the still neutral US.

In the beginning you refer to the two Germans as SS Officers, then as soldiers. Generally the term soldier refers to some in the non-commisioned officer ranks.

I found it hard to believe that she would have been interviewed by a Standartenführer, (Colonel). This is a staff officer rank, more than likely she would have been interviewed initially by a junior officer.

You mention, "The SS detested the Gestapo." The Gestapo was under the control of Himmler and the SS.