freestyle in red

[lightlid]

here's some stuff off the top of my head, please don't critisize me too much



ectasy fuels my creativity,
i have no use for profanity,
expressing myself is easy,
i have no clue who you be,
i know where i am,
i know where i'm from,
i know where i stand,
i have no need for command,
i can easily see the grand master plan,
i know i'm just a man,
just one with perception,
that can easily see beyond the destruction,
i have no need for obstruction,
i wanna take perfect form,
so "fight the war, fuck the norm".

 

[WickedEve]

"please don't critisize me too much"

We aren't here to crit you, only your poetry. That's what it's all about. If you don't get some constructive and honest feedback, then you won't learn a damn thing.

Your poem reads like a list. You're not really telling me much with it. Actually, you shouldn't tell with poetry -- poetry should show. I want to experience something as a reader and not passively sit here and be fed facts.

"ecstasy fuels my creativity"
How does it do that? Give me an example.

"i have no use for profanity"
Okay. So a lot of people don't either. Let me know why you don't.

"i know where i am,
i know where i'm from,
i know where i stand,"
Where?

And what is the grand master plan?

You need to answer more questions. Do that and then see what you have. You may end up with a more interesting poem.

 

[Guest]

I think you have the seeds of an interesting poem but, as WE says, it doesn't tell the reader anything. Try to imagine you're the reader, would you find it interesting?

 

[HomerPindar]

Ah, but we were forewarned, this isn't poetry, it's song lyrics. So, unless anyone can tell me what the hell a drop of jupiter is suppose to be, I'll just figure that making sense in music is purely optional.

that said, where's the chorus? music today just doesn't work unless there's a refrain repeated a dozen times in the middle and most certainly near the end of the song. I know songs have to be 2:59 and all, but this is short even by that standard.

HomerPindar

 

[WickedEve]

Umm... Homer, I think you're in the wrong thread.

 

[Guest]

Umm... Homer, I think you're in the wrong thread.

I didn't like to say anything, but I did wonder.