Fossil Fuel
- Thread starter SA Storm
- Start date
WriterDom
Good to the last drop
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2000
- Posts
- 20,077
"You are not as air,
and love must be conserved.
Still I run through with deep breaths,"
"You are not as air" sounds very awkward to me. Would it be better to imply the air/love theme?
Still I run through with deep breaths,
Is Deep Breaths a Native American, and you are running through what with him?
I like it better if you'd just drop those 4 lines. Or maybe a rewrite of them.
Why should Love must be conserved?
Fossil Fuel
by S.A. Storm
I reach into you,
never finding borders.
I swing wildly in your emotions,
swallowing from your reservoir .
Energy reserved for more urgent moments,
I should follow your lead.
Mouth open, whispering deeper, slower
those are the times to burn precious
I can’t feel the bottom as I dive,
lungs so full of you
limitlessly manufacturing what I need.
Love must be conserved.
The thought floats from me,
with the last of air
the needle on empty
as I blur past the last station.
and love must be conserved.
Still I run through with deep breaths,"
"You are not as air" sounds very awkward to me. Would it be better to imply the air/love theme?
Still I run through with deep breaths,
Is Deep Breaths a Native American, and you are running through what with him?
I like it better if you'd just drop those 4 lines. Or maybe a rewrite of them.
Why should Love must be conserved?
Fossil Fuel
by S.A. Storm
I reach into you,
never finding borders.
I swing wildly in your emotions,
swallowing from your reservoir .
Energy reserved for more urgent moments,
I should follow your lead.
Mouth open, whispering deeper, slower
those are the times to burn precious
I can’t feel the bottom as I dive,
lungs so full of you
limitlessly manufacturing what I need.
Love must be conserved.
The thought floats from me,
with the last of air
the needle on empty
as I blur past the last station.
smithpeter
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2001
- Posts
- 409
power up
Dear Mr. Storm,
If I could find flaw in your work I would hesitate to mention it.
I actually do energy conservation for a living.
One thing is most truthful here.
From light bulbs to reactors,
Insulation of hearts
From damage as of a mean grid,
Heat loss is meaningless
As she faces south
Dear Mr. Storm,
If I could find flaw in your work I would hesitate to mention it.
I actually do energy conservation for a living.
One thing is most truthful here.
That alone is most difficult.
From light bulbs to reactors,
Insulation of hearts
From damage as of a mean grid,
Heat loss is meaningless
As she faces south
SA Storm
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 130
Thank you for the comments:
Writer Dom,
I will consider and don't be so "nilla" with your view or your humor. Take a deep breath with me. Anything of value must be conserved, there are times to burn and times to conserve. Of course it does depends on how long you want it to last.
Smithpeter,
You are being kind, there are many flaws. Your poem is insightful and gave me some ideas for new direction with this one.
Thank you both,
SA Storm.
Writer Dom,
I will consider and don't be so "nilla" with your view or your humor. Take a deep breath with me. Anything of value must be conserved, there are times to burn and times to conserve. Of course it does depends on how long you want it to last.
Smithpeter,
You are being kind, there are many flaws. Your poem is insightful and gave me some ideas for new direction with this one.
Thank you both,
SA Storm.
REDWAVE
Urban Jungle Dweller
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2001
- Posts
- 6,013
Intriguing metaphor
Very intriguing metaphor, Storm, especially now that we live in the United States of Oil, fearlessly fighting the Second Oil War. (Hey, GB with its Opium Wars against China in the 19th century has got nuthin' on us!) In this sick, insane society, human relations, even of the most intimate and personal sort, are poisoned, just as the enormous geopolitical significance of oil and gas poisons international relations.
Just on the mechanical level, I note the comma in "You, are not as air" is misplaced-- unless you know it's technically incorrect and are deliberately doing something with that.
Obviously, this is about a relationship which is very important to the speaker, the "I" voice, but is slowly (or perhaps not so slowly) going awry.
The secondary metaphor of woman as Ocean, diving down into her, also works quite well: oil companies drill deep into the earth and even under the sea in search of that elusive "black gold."
Ultimately, you are saying: love is something both precious and deadly. Hmmm . . . velly interesting, but does it also say something about the ambivalence of your own relationships?
Very intriguing metaphor, Storm, especially now that we live in the United States of Oil, fearlessly fighting the Second Oil War. (Hey, GB with its Opium Wars against China in the 19th century has got nuthin' on us!) In this sick, insane society, human relations, even of the most intimate and personal sort, are poisoned, just as the enormous geopolitical significance of oil and gas poisons international relations.
Just on the mechanical level, I note the comma in "You, are not as air" is misplaced-- unless you know it's technically incorrect and are deliberately doing something with that.
Obviously, this is about a relationship which is very important to the speaker, the "I" voice, but is slowly (or perhaps not so slowly) going awry.
The secondary metaphor of woman as Ocean, diving down into her, also works quite well: oil companies drill deep into the earth and even under the sea in search of that elusive "black gold."
Ultimately, you are saying: love is something both precious and deadly. Hmmm . . . velly interesting, but does it also say something about the ambivalence of your own relationships?
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