Form letter for newcomers

[MathGirl]

Lately, it seems that the first post by a newcomer to the AH has been met with responses which are rather unpredictable. In an effort to make our AH more receptive to newbies, I suggest a form letter be prepared by regulars here and used to welcome all those who post here for the first time.

I have drafted a salutation, and contributions from others for the body of the letter would be greatly appreciated.
MG

Dear (select one):
___ Sir

___Madam

___Numbnuts

___Dickhead

___Other (specify)_____________________________

Welcome to the Authors' Hangout at Literotica.

 

[SexySoBeChick]

Being fairly new around here, I have no complaints about how I've been treated. So far, I've come away unscathed . . . except for the little incident over in the Editor's Forum where I was accused of being brainwashed by Bill Gates, because I cited a definition from Webster's Dictionary. All things considered, I feel I'm pretty lucky.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

IF I MAY BE SO BOLD AS TO SUGGEST...

MG,

That's a fine start, but it may be tilted just a tad toward male newbies. Your otherwise fine list might include "bitch" and for a gender neutral touch, maybe, "asshole."

Hopefully helpfully,
Rumple Foreskin

ps: SexySoBeChick - You haven't hit the century mark in number of posts yet. Don't get cocky.

 

[Guest]

Superb idea, Maths, and such a charity for all. How about a brief list of AH regulars so the newbies are less anxious about posting, e.g.,

Persons to ignore
Persons to avoid when they're on the rag
Persons to avoid utterly
Persons willing to rewrite your stories
Persons on meds
Persons from Yorkshire
Persons from Sweden
Persons from No. and So. California
Persons with penis AVs

Can't think of anymore at the moment, but that might be a good intro to the hangout.

Perdita

 

[MathGirl]

Re: IF I MAY BE SO BOLD AS TO SUGGEST...

That's a fine start, but it may be tilted just a tad toward male newbies. Your otherwise fine list might include "bitch" and for a gender neutral touch, maybe, "asshole."

Dear Rumple,
Thank you for that. You're right, of course. I think "asshole" would be a nice touch. Might use it and delete all the others. It sort of says it all, doesn't it?
MG
Ps. Dear SSBC,
We just haven't gotten around to you yet, dear. You're on the list, though.

 

[SexySoBeChick]

Re: IF I MAY BE SO BOLD AS TO SUGGEST...

ps: SexySoBeChick - You haven't hit the century mark in number of posts yet. Don't get cocky.

So what you're saying is . . . if I haven't been hammered by the time I've reached 101 posts, then I get cocky. What an incentive!! MG should put that in her welcome letter.

 

[Guest]

100

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

How would I know if I'm a regular ? I post here often enough that I think people know who I am, so what am I? Am I a regular or an irregular?
I would add to the Welcome that you should NEVER under any circumstances call Svenska, Sven . I made that mistake once and only once. Newbies should be warned so as to not get on the bad side of the Swedish beauty.


Wicked

 

[MathGirl]

Revision of form letter

Okay, the revision is below. I like the lack of clutter, and it really says it all. As they say, "brevity is the soul of a twit."
MG

Dear Asshole,

Welcome to the Authors' Hangout at Literotica.
============================
Now, any suggestions for the body of the letter?

 

[Guest]

 

[MathGirl]

Regular, schmegular

How would I know if I'm a regular

Dear WnE,
Anyone who even considers making a contribution to this letter may consider him/herself a regular. Regular as a Metamucil addict.
MG

 

[Guest]

scat!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Re: Regular, schmegular

Dear WnE,
Anyone who even considers making a contribution to this letter may consider him/herself a regular. Regular as a Metamucil addict.
MG

Don't forget Black-Draught. As Dolly Parton's old boss, Porter Waggoner, along with The Waggoners, used to sing on his syndicated TV show, "Feel fresh and clean inside. Black-Draught makes you feel clean from the inside out."

And speaking of form letters, do you think, "Shut the fuck up?" would be too abrupt for sentence two?

Respectfully,

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

I think it should be part of initiation!

Ha Ha, god help the poor soul who wanders in and makes that mistake.

Anyone who even considers making a contribution to this letter may consider him/herself a regular. Regular as a Metamucil addict

Whoo Hooo, happy day, I'm a regular


Wicked

 

[Quasimodem]

How would I know if I'm a regular ? . . . Am I a regular or an irregular? . . .

Your main clue should be: "How often do you visit a garderobe?"

 

[Guest]

essential

Don't feed the animals.

Don't solicit advice from female authors in particular.

When in doubt, people really are out to get you.

everhelpful,

b

 

[pop_54]

HMMMMMMMMMM

Body of said letter, Hmmm!!

Dear asshole, or whatever:

Keep your head down, watch and listen to what goes on.

Never put your mouth in gear before engaging your brain.

Newbies buy the beer, mine's a pint of heavy.

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Re: Regular, schmegular

do you think, "Shut the fuck up?" would be too abrupt for sentence two?

Dear Rumple,
I'm always impressed by your ability to strike right at the very heart of the matter.
MG
Ps. Keep the suggestions coming. Revision posted tomorrow.

 

[Guest]

and don't forget

"There is nothing new under the sun. Don't try to be clever. You will just annoy us all. Quasi is the only one here that is allowed to be clever."

b

 

[MlledeLaPlumeBleu]

Dear Sir or Madam as the case may be,


Thank you for your interest in the Author's Hangout, the place where authors "hang out".

1.) All "pledges" will be expected to complete a series of wacky hijinx to ensure loyalty to the Frotority.

2.) "Pledges" will wear their beanies and AH blazers at all times.

3.) If a pledge cannot successfully navigate a thread or write a properly syllabic haiku, that is cause for paddling or ridicule.

Provision 1: Certain grandfathered members of the AH Frotority are exempt from the syllabic rule by necessity of unnamed "difficulties".

4.) If a pledge's inaugural foray into established conversation between Frotority members consists of general "brassiness", Pirate Pops will summarily keelhaul them with Blacksnake's wiwi.

5.) If a pledge blather on ridiculously, they will be slapped on the cheeks by said wiwi, "until they are flushed and repentant".

6.) If a pledge be randomly santimonious on a subject, without having familiarized himself with the preceding thread, that pledge will have a cell phone shoved up their ass by special contractor American Demon.

7.) All pledges will keep their hands inside the bus at all times, and will not feed the dangeroos.

8.) No one shall handle haiku without proper safety precautions, e.g. gloves, mask, geiger counter.

9.) Pledges taking themselves too seriously will be forced to fight Dr. Mabeuse in a Kirk-vs-Spock type cage match, loincloths optional.

10.) Pledges will refer to all elder Frotority members as "Dad".

11.) Hazing for new pledges will be done by Killermuffin, with a length of lead pipe we like to refer to as the "grammar baton".

12.) If a pledge should get all "worried" or "freaked out n pale" when they see their Dads fighting, that pledge will be made to "do the gauntlet".

Respectfully submitted by Miss Depressed Pencil

 

[Never]

MlledeLaPlumeBleu:
"11.) Hazing for new pledges will be done by Killermuffin, with a length of lead pipe we like to refer to as the "grammar strap-on".

If this is a dungeon, you can tie me to the wall.

 

[MlledeLaPlumeBleu]

Whoa! I said "baton"...how she uses it is up to her *laugh*

Although I bet it's a bitch finding a harness for a lead strap-on, now that I think of it.

Shame on you...I was thinking of...majorettes, and bobbies....you dirty girl!

 

[Wantonica]

I've not yet determined whether I wish to be labeled a "regular". Does that require some sanctimonious sacrifice? Am I then required to consistently use my brain? There are times when I choose to only be a simple intelligent: blunt, indiscreet, and an asshole (which would catagorize me as a newbie). If only I had the time to position myself properly in the midst of this sociological turmoil, you'd all get a lovely earful of my rampant behavioral disturbances (or enlightenments, take your pick).

Hapiness to all,
Wantonica

 

[MlledeLaPlumeBleu]

Actually, Wantonica- I think the only real requirement is a sense of humour.

Do you have what it takes?


Pledge AH! Wooooo [drinkies*** hiccccc]

 

[Guest]

Pledge AH! Wooooo [drinkies*** hiccccc]

Bloozey: I think the Wanton one's moniker should allow her to skip the pledge plethorae.

How 'bout getting some old Greek letters for the hangout identity? Or maybe something out of that old book you used to try and impress Svenska? And we need a motto. Does this call for a new thread?

Trova

p.s. my nine-iron's bent .