Forgetting the bad in a relationship

[2xb7nz]

About 10 months ago, one of my close friends broke up for the last of about 6 times with her then boyfriend. She was hurt by him, and since then has been unable to commit to a relationship.
I need some help to remind her the good times she had in the relationship, rather than her concentrating on the bad times.
Does anyone have any ideas?

 

[SweetErika]

About 10 months ago, one of my close friends broke up for the last of about 6 times with her then boyfriend. She was hurt by him, and since then has been unable to commit to a relationship.
I need some help to remind her the good times she had in the relationship, rather than her concentrating on the bad times.
Does anyone have any ideas?

Why would you want to market the good of a relationship that I'm assuming was clearly not good and very painful for her?

Also, so what if she's been unable to commit to a new person in the past 10 months? Grief and healing can take a very long time and it's healthy to take as much time as we need -- in fact, doing so gives us a far greater chance of more success in future relationships. If she feels like she needs to take a breather and be single for whatever period of time, more power to her!

 

[jerseyman1963]

I agree that 10 months is not much healing time at all to get over a serious relationship. Especially a bad one, and clearly, if they broke up and got back together 6 times, there were quite a few issues they were struggling with. Hopefully, since it's been 10 months, this break up will stick and your friend will eventually be in a place to move on to greener pastures. But she needs to do that on her own schedule, whether it's 10 months or two years.

However, I think it's important to think about both the good and the bad. She may not be ready to do that yet. Sometimes it takes quite a while to get that kind of clarity on a past relationship, but it's a good idea. When a relationship ends, it's so easy to get wrapped up in what a heel your partner was, or kick yourself for the things you did wrong yourself. That's a good thing, because it can help you figure out what to do better next time.

But you can also go to far with that, and I think it's important to think about what went right as well, because that can help you keep things balanced, and not tip the self-analysis too far into the "I date the wrong people, I can't do this" canyon.

But I am not sure how we can help, not knowing the details. Maybe you can just be honest with your friend, and say something like, "From my viewpoint, yeah, X, Y, and Z were terrible, but I want to make sure that you know that I think you did A, B and C right, and even though it didn't work out in the end, I wanted you to know that I saw those good qualities in the effort you made, just so you remember you're a good person." Something like that?

She may not be ready to have that sink in yet, but at least she'll have heard the words, and that's gotta help at some smal level.