Forever changed and lost

[kitty4ever]

He is no longer My Love, for he cheated on me, broke my heart and broke up with me. The pain has been unimaginable, but I'm trying to push through it. My friends have been very supportive, but I still hurt, and I'm still LIVID. Absolutely LIVID.

I gave my heart, soul and trust in a man who could do this to me. I don't know if I can love again. I refuse to cry anymore tears for this man. He's not worth it.

I ask for advice. As a sub, how does one handle their Dom doing something like this?

Not sure which board this post should be on, but figured this was the safest one.

 

[FungiUg]

It happens, pretty much to most people. Sorry kitty, I know you're in the middle of it all, but it's the sad truth.

What makes it worse is that in circles that congregate around sexuality (gay/lesbian/BDSM/swingers), it's far more common. While we all have the best intentions in the world about being open, honest and up-front about our needs and wants, it's still the hardest thing in the world to DO.

I have been in your situation (well, perhaps not identical), and it's life shattering. It has very little to do with being Dom or sub or whatever -- so you don't have to worry about how to handle it "as a sub". Just handle it as you -- the complete you. Deal with it as you need to.

From my own experience, having someone you can talk to about absolutely everything that comes up as part of a break-up, including the grief, depression, self-doubt, trying to pull yourself together and find a life again, the loss of intimacy, the loss of sex, the loss of kink/submission/power exchange... find someone you can talk to about ALL of that (safely), and it will help a lot. More than you realise at the time.

Other than that... take the best care of yourself, and give yourself the time you need to heal. Go easy on yourself, and stand up for yourself. You will move on, it just takes time.

 

[InnerDarkness]

*hug*

I can empathize most thoroughly.

You will not be forever lost, I promise...

I am sorry for your loss and betrayal

 

[kitty4ever]

But, how do you trust another to give him that control? I gave him everything. How do I trust like that again?

 

[redelicious]

But, how do you trust another to give him that control? I gave him everything. How do I trust like that again?

Time is the only answer I know. Don't rush yourself. One day you will be ready.

 

[Bandit58]

Time is the only answer I know. Don't rush yourself. One day you will be ready.

I had my heart broken by someone I loved and trusted very much. It wasn't a D/s relationship but believe me these things hurt no matter what kind of relationship it is. I cried buckets, got angry and threw things, cried on my friends' shoulders, and believed that I'd never ever feel that way about anyone ever again.......

Boy was I wrong......almost a year later I have a loving D/s relationship with a wonderful Master It may not seem like it right now but you will find that special someone who deserves you

 

[Desdemona]

But, how do you trust another to give him that control? I gave him everything. How do I trust like that again?

Give yourself time to heal. When you eventually enter into another relationship, the new dominant will earn your trust. It will probably take you longer to believe that you can trust. Once upon a time, I thought I would never trust again. Over time, Snooze taught my heart that it would be safe with him. I learned that I could trust him and I rely on his integrity. That can happen for you also when the time is right. For now, go ahead and grieve and be angry. That's very healthy and will allow you to heal.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry you are in such pain. As the others have said, it takes time and effort to overcome, but is possible if you actively make the decision to allow it to happen. It will not be easy, but will be worth it. Like many have said in the trust thread, it takes time and steps until the trust is complete and real. For now take the time you need to express your pain, your rage, grief, and anger...give yourself that luxury and work through it at your pace, not anyone else's.

Catalina

 

[kitty4ever]

<hugs everyone>

I am getting better every day. Thank you all for your concern, caring and advice. I'm having to take it one day at a time, as the cliche goes. <small smile>

 

[SwtSouthrnSub]

.

 

[RadicalFlower]

sorry to hear you are in such pain..I hope your life Turns for the better and many hugss..

 

[TigerClaw]

......

......

 

[kitty4ever]

Thank you. I was finally able to throw out my collar 2 days ago. It was so hard to do, but a final closure for me that he wasn't coming back, never would come back and what I thought we had wasn't there.

Today was the first day I was truly in a good mood since then. A deep down good mood. I was able to openly giggle and laugh at jokes. I even had a gigglefit. You can't imagine how good that felt.

I had become more reserved around others, knowing I had to act in a way he wouldn't be upset about. I'm getting back out of that shell and joking and flirting more on the boards, both here and others.

I'm not all better. Not by a long shot. In all honesty, I don't have much hope for a real future of loving like that again, of giving myself to another like that. It's like, the part of me that could hope and dream is dead. I feel a hollowness, an emptiness deep down inside me.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[kayte]

Thank you. I was finally able to throw out my collar 2 days ago. It was so hard to do, but a final closure for me that he wasn't coming back, never would come back and what I thought we had wasn't there.

Today was the first day I was truly in a good mood since then. A deep down good mood. I was able to openly giggle and laugh at jokes. I even had a gigglefit. You can't imagine how good that felt.

I had become more reserved around others, knowing I had to act in a way he wouldn't be upset about. I'm getting back out of that shell and joking and flirting more on the boards, both here and others.

I'm not all better. Not by a long shot. In all honesty, I don't have much hope for a real future of loving like that again, of giving myself to another like that. It's like, the part of me that could hope and dream is dead. I feel a hollowness, an emptiness deep down inside me.

Kitty ~ I am glad to hear you are taking steps to get back control in your life.

I know it takes a long, long time to start feeling better when a relationship like that is ended by the Dom, for whatever the reason.

I understand your word regarding not thinking there is hope of ever entering a relationship like that again. Of giving all that means to give. I don't think I am ready to enter any relationship yet, nilla or otherwise. And for me it has been awhile.

I have friends in my daily life that knew of the relationship, and Lit friends, and they were and still are here for me. That helps like you cannot believe.

It is great to hear you had a "gigglefit". One day at a time!!!!

 

[Vixandra]

Kitty I've no words to off to help (solace isn't my best department) but I am glad to hear you're feeling better and moving on.
Don't give up on that soul deep love though- its worth every bit of pain and suffering it takes to get it.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[TigerClaw]

This was posted on another thread. The funny thing is these things may mean nothing at all. But the more that show up the greater the chance is that your feelings are true.

SIGNS YOUR MATE IS CHEATING:

Us
- You find birth control pills in her purse, and you've had a vasectomy.
- Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you.
- He stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.
- Suddenly wants to try new techniques, after not wanting to try anything new for a long time.
- Unfamiliar charges on credit card bills.
- Excessive ATM withdrawals.
- Lost enthusiasm at those romantic us times.

Them
- Sets up new email account and doesn't tell you about it.
- He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Safeguard and returns smelling like Irish Spring.
- He refuses to let you take him to the airport when he's leaving town.
- He carries condoms and you are on the pill.
- He buys himself new and nicer underwear.
- He insists that the child seat, toys, etc. be kept out of his car.
- She stops wearing her wedding ring.
- Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
- He plays more golf, goes fishing more often, etc.
- Saves communications from others but not from you.

Evasive
- Begins to delete all incoming calls from the caller ID, emails, ims and pms.
- He becomes 'accusatory', asking if YOU are being true to HIM.
- Communication becomes difficult, does not understand you, takes everything you do as wrong.
- Turns Computer Monitor away, turns it off or switches screens when you enter the room.
- Quickly hangs up the phone when you come home or enter the room.
- Asking them what is wrong and why they are not doing things with you is taken as showing them they are doing wrong.

Outside Influences.
- Raises hypothetical questions, such as "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at one time?"
- Shows a sudden interest in different types of music.
- Her coworkers are uncomfortable in your presence.
- Has a sudden preoccupation with his appearance.
- Wears Sexier Clothes when going out to shop, school, errands, but does not care how they are dressed for you.
- Spends an excessive amount of time on the internet, especially after you have gone to bed.
- Interests that don't include you become much more important.

Guilt
- Has a sudden desire to be very helpful with the laundry.
- Suddenly has new friends that you never meet.

Unexplained
- Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his neck and back.
- Has lots of "emergency errands"...then comes home empty-handed, saying, "they didn't have what I needed".
- Hang-ups and 'wrong numbers' happen more often...and you have an unlisted number.

Work
- Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but you never see the extra cash.
- Suddenly works long hours on weekends.
- Never seems to be at his desk when you call. Always "in a conference" or a "meeting".
- You find out by accident that she took a vacation day or personal time off from work...but supposedly worked on those days.


- The number one sign? Having to ask yourself the question in the FIRST place.

 

[bunny bondage]

poor kitty!! every sub has been where you are - hurt and asking herself how she can trust someone that much again. and yes, it will be harder next time, but let this caution serve to keep you from making yourself vulnerable to the wrong man again! you will find happiness again, this i promise you.

 

[kitty4ever]

<hugs everyone>

Yes, I was doing well, until my 'little brother' (not real, but love him like a little brother, and he calls me his big sis) and I fought tonight.

So, I'm doing the numb thing tonight. Yes, I know it won't change anything, but will work for night. What I wouldn't do for a spanking, right now. But, I have alcohol. Oh well. It will have to do for tonight.

 

[Bandit58]

<hugs everyone>

Yes, I was doing well, until my 'little brother' (not real, but love him like a little brother, and he calls me his big sis) and I fought tonight.

So, I'm doing the numb thing tonight. Yes, I know it won't change anything, but will work for night. What I wouldn't do for a spanking, right now. But, I have alcohol. Oh well. It will have to do for tonight.

((((((((BIG HUG for kitty))))))))

 

[kitty4ever]

awwww.....thanks

 

[cellis]

I am glad things are looking up for you... It is hard to deal with the loss of any relationship, but because of who we are in our BDSM relationships, I think the loss and sense of betrayal is even greater... the hurt deeper... and longer lasting.

 

[FungiUg]

because of who we are in our BDSM relationships, I think the loss and sense of betrayal is even greater... the hurt deeper... and longer lasting.

I've heard this said before, but yet to see any evidence of it.

I think because of who we are, and our inherent needs for control or ownership, any D/s relationship will be more intense -- and hence, for us, a D/s relationship will hurt more if it falls apart.

The most intense relationship I have ever witnessed was that between my ex-wife and the woman she left me for. Not D/s at all, but very intense. My suspicion is that intensity is a mark of fulfilment, how much the people in a relationship are engaged by it, how much of them is "made whole" by the relationship.

So when it all falls apart, it's a huge wrench, a massive loss, because such a huge part of themselves is gone.

Me... well, the most intense loss I have ever felt was that of losing my wife. And sadly, that was not D/s related at all.

Loss is what it is. And the loss of any intense relationship can be world shattering. We all face it, and thankfully life moves on.

Isn't it strange how we hurt those we love, so much?

 

[kitty4ever]

Amazingly, I didn't wake up with a hangover. I did, though, accidently drop the phone on my forehead when I went to answer it later on this morning, so now I have about a nickel sized knot on my forehead and a raging headache.

<chuckles> Love the irony.