foreplay before foreplay

[amutantman]

do you do different things,that you wouldnt ordinarily do, for your other half....all in an effort to create an atmosphere for loving later.

a couple of examples that have worked well...provocative text/photo/email/phone messages through out the day, nominating a body part and that gets all your attention every time you see each other.

 

[kiwichyck]

Yep - we do all the above, and more!

Oh...wait......Hi Honey!!

 

[Cathleen]

Hey you two... get a room! Then tell us all the details!

amutantman, so glad you listened to your lovely wife and joined us. Welcome to Lit. (Fun signature line)

I like the idea of beginning the seduction early in the day... a note in his pocket or emails, e-cards, daring phone calls.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I'll second that, welcome!

The answer to your question is absolutely! It's intersting that you put it hte way you did, because this was something that was a minor crisi of sorts with my wife and a couple years ago.

She was getting frustrated and there was tension growing sexually between us, and she kept saying she wanted more foreplay. Not I was confused because we already had a TON of foreplay in our sexual relationship, but I certainly wasn't adverse to the idea. Instead of making things better, it got worse. Finally we has a pretty good argument that endedin me learnign something very important about my wife, and what proved to be a HUGE breakthrough in our relationship.

To her, foreplay in the traditional form our the word, was just a part of the overall sexual activity. What she wanted was non-sexual TIME together. Our schedules were so crazy that we had very little quality time together, and she was getting tired of coming home from work late at night, crawling into bed with me and having sex. When she said she wanted foreplay, all she was asking for was time, time to be around me as my wife and friend before she turned into my lover. The Foreplay, before the Foreplay as you put it.

Not only has this been huge for our relationship in general but especially sexually. I can tell the difference in her reactions when we've been spending a lot of time together as opposed to when our schedules keep us seperated most of the time. I think doing things like that to let your SO know that you care about them makes them feel special and to know that you see them as more than a lover. It doesn't even have to be sexual tings like dirty emails or text messages, it could just be as a smile, or a playful flirtation. A lingering caress of the arm as you walk passed, a stolen kiss on the back of the neck, or a linger gaze into her eyes.

Of course there are those times when I've gone overboard in an effort to set a "loving atmosphere". I recently redecorated our bedroom for her while she was away visitng family, using all the things she'd collected that she thought I'd never want in my bedroom. What can I say, it worked! That was months ago I'm still reaping the rewards. Not that I needed any.

 

[amutantman]

I think doing things like that to let your SO know that you care about them makes them feel special and to know that you see them as more than a lover. It doesn't even have to be sexual tings like dirty emails or text messages, it could just be as a smile, or a playful flirtation. A lingering caress of the arm as you walk passed, a stolen kiss on the back of the neck, or a linger gaze into her eyes.

thanks for the replies. i definitely agree with you. it doesnt just have to be sexual. as they say a smile says a 1000 words.

we are in the position due to my job that i spent a lot of the day at home, so therefore we do see a lot of each other during the day. alot of what we do breaks up the constant everyday monotony.
not all we do is sexual but it usually ends that way!!

 

[littlepiggy]

good on you thebigkahuna!

i know that it took you one big knock'em down drag'em out fight with your wife, but good for you for getting a really big thing about female sexuality. so much of it happens while you are both still clothed, its emotional, its about a woman's sense of worth- in your eyes and her own.

this is so well timed! my partner and i are headed for the same big fight i confess. with us, foreplay is getting more and more rare, and involves nothing more but breasts and pussy-what about the rest of me??? what about before bedtime??and i'm finding that my response to his minimal-effort advances is anger. not to mention that i'm not bothering to make advances because i don't want what the same old experience that leaves me feeling like a blow-up doll. sigh.

yep, we are on our way to a beauty of a fight. i know that he can be a considerate, involved lover- he's been in the past. now i just feel frustrated and taken for granted. i mean- am i, or my enjoyment of the sex act so meaningless? ughh, what ugliness.

your message was just such a breath of fresh air to me, and made me smile. you get it!! maybe there is hope for more of the men out there, maybe even mine
and from your male perspective, what was it that your wife said that made you think " ohhh, i get it!!" i'm curious.
thanks for your post!

 

[amutantman]

your message was just such a breath of fresh air to me, and made me smile. you get it!! maybe there is hope for more of the men out there, maybe even mine
and from your male perspective, what was it that your wife said that made you think " ohhh, i get it!!" i'm curious.

for me it wasnt what was said but the overall reaction from the amount of effort and thinking that was put into what i did to make her feel special for the whole day.from the time she woke up until we went to bed.

the first time it was lots of texts and different photos etc during the day that really got her going.i suppose it wasnt even what she was getting but the attention she was receiving. after constant attention all day the sex was HOT as that night. and for a bloody long time!

what made me "get it" was the difference it make at the end of the day. the difference between good sex and great sex is quite abit.

 

[littlepiggy]

fantastic! guys that actually get non-verbal communication. that's wht i get so much out of hanging with my horses- its all body language with them and body language is so bloody sexy! to read at a glance what they are thinking and to think that maybe a man could read me like that! wheww!!
and you are soo right, great sex starts long before you ever hit the bedroom! if he could only get that he needs to make me want his touch before it happens.
big big sigh!

 

[TBKahuna123]

this is so well timed! my partner and i are headed for the same big fight i confess. with us, foreplay is getting more and more rare, and involves nothing more but breasts and pussy-what about the rest of me??? what about before bedtime??and i'm finding that my response to his minimal-effort advances is anger. not to mention that i'm not bothering to make advances because i don't want what the same old experience that leaves me feeling like a blow-up doll. sigh.

It's really easy to get into these kind of ruts, hell it still happens to us. I mean, as sexually open as my wife and I are, as attentive as I try to be, I still find use getting into a mechanical phase every so often. This ALWAYS has some connection to what's going in our lives outside the bedroom. We both have jobs that sometimes have periods of high stress, which leaves us mentally and emotionally drained. Whenever we've had issues with things getting in a rut, as it were, there's always stress like this involved for one of us. There's only one way out of this: TALK ABOUT IT!

yep, we are on our way to a beauty of a fight. i know that he can be a considerate, involved lover- he's been in the past. now i just feel frustrated and taken for granted. i mean- am i, or my enjoyment of the sex act so meaningless? ughh, what ugliness.

This is just what I mean. Have you tried to talk about it? It very well not be that he's not intersted in being a considerate and involved lover, it could be that outside stresses are just making it too difficult. There are litterally times when mental fatigue can sap someone of the ability to become emotionally engaged. It may take a big fight, but I'd try some gentle conversation first.

your message was just such a breath of fresh air to me, and made me smile. you get it!! maybe there is hope for more of the men out there, maybe even mine
and from your male perspective, what was it that your wife said that made you think " ohhh, i get it!!" i'm curious.
thanks for your post!

Oh easy! I can't remember the exact quote, but in the middle of the fight she said soemthing to the effect of "your idea of foreplay is kissing on my neck and trying to get me wet!" At this point I stopped and said, "wait a minute! Tell me what you think foreplay should be." So she did, and I fell off the couch laughing, which just pissed her off more until I explained to her that we'd been fighting for 2 hours and she'd been upset for months because we had been reading seperate dictionaries!

Once I understood what had been bothering her it was easy to fix, I mean litterally overnight. The thing is, this was bigger than that for me. I'll admit that while I knew women were more mentally stimulated than men, I never realized how non-sexual things can affect not only a woman's desire for, but her enjoyment of sex. The last few years have been a wonderful exploration of how not only our lives affect sex, but how sex affects our lives.

I'm proud to say I'm a sensitive guy, but I'm far from unique. Most guys out there WANT to be sensitive, but we aren't taught that. We're taught to be macho, and we're taught that if our mighty penis isn't enough to satisfy our woman that we are failing, so we just ignore the fact that it might not be enough. So unfortunately, most of us need a little training from our wives, which just requires some patience, understanding and communication.

There's another fringe benefit here that most men never consider. As I've spent more time concetrating on learning what makes my wife happy, she has done the same in return. It's a beautiful cycle really, and one that doesn't take a whole lot of effort. You just have to open your eyes long enough to see the beauty of the one you'er with.

 

[kiwichyck]

fantastic! guys that actually get non-verbal communication. that's wht i get so much out of hanging with my horses- its all body language with them and body language is so bloody sexy! to read at a glance what they are thinking and to think that maybe a man could read me like that! wheww!!
and you are soo right, great sex starts long before you ever hit the bedroom! if he could only get that he needs to make me want his touch before it happens.
big big sigh!

This is something that I tried to raise with DH quite a few times over the past years. It's only been quite recently that he's actually 'got' it. I can't remember if we talked about this recently, or if it was just a natural progression from what was going on at the time.

From my perspective, even though I knew to expect sex on a regular basis, I just wasn't putting any thought into it during my busy day. I'd get dinner over and done with, put the kids to bed, sit down to relax and wind down, and the next thing I knew, we were heading off to bed to 'do the deed'. It got to the point that sex was becoming just another job to add to my busy schedule at the end of the day. It was unexciting for me because it was no different than walking into the kitchen and having a pile of dirty dishes assult my eyes demanding to be done right then. It's not something that you think about and look forward to, it's something that you do because it's a responsibility.

What started it for us was that DH told me he was getting bored with our sex life. Similar to what you are saying. It was a well worn script. Hop in bed, play with breasts, play with pussy, play with cock, jump on, do the business, roll over, go to sleep. Nothing really wrong with that - just predictable. He didn't know what to do different because I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him because I never thought about what I wanted. I never invested the time to examine what I might like to happen in the bedroom because there was always a million other things to think about first, and unless sex was brought to my attention, I simply didn't think about it until five minutes before bed.

Somewhere along the line we were able to understand each others perspective. I don't remember what happened first, but at some point, I made a wee scavenger hunt for him. I hid little clues around the house. Each one had a simple request of something I wanted him to do to me, a clue to find the next piece of paper, and I wrote "I love you" on the bottom of each in different languages. The funny thing was that he completely missed the clues and only read the first one! Nonetheless, it was a starting point. He started sending me text messages asking me to think of specific things that I would like him to try when we made love, and to take pictures to send to him as well. This was a good non-threatening way of communicating for me, because I struggle with finding the words sometimes. It also created good sexual tension between us. We both had something to look forward to. It's all about anticipation.

There's another fringe benefit here that most men never consider. As I've spent more time concetrating on learning what makes my wife happy, she has done the same in return. It's a beautiful cycle really, and one that doesn't take a whole lot of effort. You just have to open your eyes long enough to see the beauty of the one you'er with.

It's true. Once things start to change, and both parties make more of an effort, then most people naturally put in even more effort. DH will do something to make me feel special, so then I want to do something to make him feel special. Once you start paying attention to each other it seems so simple you wonder why you never did it before. All it takes is a willingness to make your partner happy, and for someone to make the first move.

Hey you two... get a room! Then tell us all the details!

We have a room! Unfortunately activities are currently restricted. Aunty Flo is currently visiting much to my disgust. Bah! Talk about unwanted and uninvited LOL. Looking at the bright side though, at least we've got some sleep this week!

 

[TBKahuna123]

This is something that I tried to raise with DH quite a few times over the past years. It's only been quite recently that he's actually 'got' it. I can't remember if we talked about this recently, or if it was just a natural progression from what was going on at the time.

From my perspective, even though I knew to expect sex on a regular basis, I just wasn't putting any thought into it during my busy day. I'd get dinner over and done with, put the kids to bed, sit down to relax and wind down, and the next thing I knew, we were heading off to bed to 'do the deed'. It got to the point that sex was becoming just another job to add to my busy schedule at the end of the day. It was unexciting for me because it was no different than walking into the kitchen and having a pile of dirty dishes assult my eyes demanding to be done right then. It's not something that you think about and look forward to, it's something that you do because it's a responsibility.

What started it for us was that DH told me he was getting bored with our sex life. Similar to what you are saying. It was a well worn script. Hop in bed, play with breasts, play with pussy, play with cock, jump on, do the business, roll over, go to sleep. Nothing really wrong with that - just predictable. He didn't know what to do different because I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him because I never thought about what I wanted. I never invested the time to examine what I might like to happen in the bedroom because there was always a million other things to think about first, and unless sex was brought to my attention, I simply didn't think about it until five minutes before bed.

Somewhere along the line we were able to understand each others perspective. I don't remember what happened first, but at some point, I made a wee scavenger hunt for him. I hid little clues around the house. Each one had a simple request of something I wanted him to do to me, a clue to find the next piece of paper, and I wrote "I love you" on the bottom of each in different languages. The funny thing was that he completely missed the clues and only read the first one! Nonetheless, it was a starting point. He started sending me text messages asking me to think of specific things that I would like him to try when we made love, and to take pictures to send to him as well. This was a good non-threatening way of communicating for me, because I struggle with finding the words sometimes. It also created good sexual tension between us. We both had something to look forward to. It's all about anticipation.

It's true. Once things start to change, and both parties make more of an effort, then most people naturally put in even more effort. DH will do something to make me feel special, so then I want to do something to make him feel special. Once you start paying attention to each other it seems so simple you wonder why you never did it before. All it takes is a willingness to make your partner happy, and for someone to make the first move.

It's all about communication, totally. Once you start though, it does become a progressive thing. The biggest thing is that someone has to have the courage to start the conversation. For me it's almost second nature to think about what makes my wife happy. My sensitivity stills ebs ad flows in phases, but at my worst I'm instinctively more attuned to her signals than ever before. It's just a learning process.

You never stop learning about your mate, I think. We've been together 12 amazing years and it feels like we've only just started.

 

[littlepiggy]

hey i'm not the only one!!!

there is some comfort in finding that all these other folks have been through the same stuff.

you are right in that communication is the key. i just have trouble making my words heard by the man in my life. for example, i don't know how many times i've told him that upon orgasm that i can't stand direct clitoral stimulation, love penetration or g but hate clit, and he insists on doing it. thinks he's driving me crazy- when all the wild thrashing is my attempt at escape!! then i'm instantly angry, we've been through that sitch again and again. at this point he can either start listening or get a heel in the forehead!!

in essense my issue is that i don't feel heard, or valued. and that is is just what would make me eager for intimacy, to feel like my man knew me, knew what i wanted and treasured me- as a woman and partner. i think all those mens magazines with the bulshit "get more sex in ten easy steps" should make #1 do what makes your woman feel treasured.
thanks to all

 

[littlepiggy]

and another thing

forgot to add that you men need to know that what you give, you'll get back ten-fold.
you scratch my back and i'd love to scratch yours!!!

 

[TBKahuna123]

there is some comfort in finding that all these other folks have been through the same stuff.

you are right in that communication is the key. i just have trouble making my words heard by the man in my life. for example, i don't know how many times i've told him that upon orgasm that i can't stand direct clitoral stimulation, love penetration or g but hate clit, and he insists on doing it. thinks he's driving me crazy- when all the wild thrashing is my attempt at escape!! then i'm instantly angry, we've been through that sitch again and again. at this point he can either start listening or get a heel in the forehead!!

in essense my issue is that i don't feel heard, or valued. and that is is just what would make me eager for intimacy, to feel like my man knew me, knew what i wanted and treasured me- as a woman and partner. i think all those mens magazines with the bulshit "get more sex in ten easy steps" should make #1 do what makes your woman feel treasured.
thanks to all

Not defending him in anyway, but I understand your frustration about the sensitivity thing. Just last month my wife explained to me that she while she can have a sustained orgasm, once it's stopped it's like starting over from scratch. So all this time I thought it was easy to give her multiples and really it works differently. So if I give her a clitoral orgasm with my fingers, then switch to oral I have to start over and give her more time, I can't just continue with clitoral stimulation. It's start the whole build up process all over again.

Now that's fine, I'm totally cool with that, but first off, information I could have used 10 years ago! We just never really communicated it. So now I have a decade of habitual technique that I have to reprogram in my brain, things I have to remember when most of my blood flow has headed south and I'm not 100% coherent anyway. It's a surprisingly hard habit to break.

Rome wasn't built in a day and I didn't learn to be super sensitive husband overnight. It's taken me a while, and I still suck at it a lot of the time. Still, I'm trying and usually that's enough. I think with most guys though we are so programmed and often frustrated that what we are doing isn't good enough or isn't right. It seems to make guys a little jaded and self conscious and then they resist efforts to communicate and change. That's why I think it is SOOOO important to start communicating, especially int he bedroom, right from the start of a marriage.

That's not saying there's no hope for an experienced couple to learn to express themselves, because it's totally doable. It's just harder to break habits. Old dogs and new tricks and all that, it's the same with anything in life.

 

[TBKahuna123]

forgot to add that you men need to know that what you give, you'll get back ten-fold.
you scratch my back and i'd love to scratch yours!!!

A fact that I can't understand how guys miss. Are we just so instinctively arrogant that we don't think we need to give in order to get, or is it just that young women are so eager to please and so eager to give all they can to please us? Maybe a little of both?

 

[kiwichyck]

there is some comfort in finding that all these other folks have been through the same stuff.

you are right in that communication is the key. i just have trouble making my words heard by the man in my life. for example, i don't know how many times i've told him that upon orgasm that i can't stand direct clitoral stimulation, love penetration or g but hate clit, and he insists on doing it. thinks he's driving me crazy- when all the wild thrashing is my attempt at escape!! then i'm instantly angry, we've been through that sitch again and again. at this point he can either start listening or get a heel in the forehead!!

in essense my issue is that i don't feel heard, or valued. and that is is just what would make me eager for intimacy, to feel like my man knew me, knew what i wanted and treasured me- as a woman and partner. i think all those mens magazines with the bulshit "get more sex in ten easy steps" should make #1 do what makes your woman feel treasured.
thanks to all

Yup - that's the beauty of Lit. You can easily find out in a few clicks that you're not a freak! LOL

I really dunno how you can make yourself heard. It's something that we all have to deal with at some point, and because of the setting and the lack of blood flow to the male brain at the time, it seems to often take a confrontation of memorable magnitude to make an impact. It doesn't sound nice, but at least he'd remember a heel in the forehead! Perhaps you could tell him that if he continues, that is gonna happen because of the sensitivity issue. Try explaining again and again if necessary. At least he can't say he wasn't warned if it actually goes that far.

Apart from that, all I can say is keep trying. Take the first step yourself and start to treat him like you want to be treated. If he has any kind of observation skills he will notice the difference and begin to return the favour.

 

[amutantman]

A fact that I can't understand how guys miss. Are we just so instinctively arrogant that we don't think we need to give in order to get, or is it just that young women are so eager to please and so eager to give all they can to please us? Maybe a little of both?

i think it comes down to what we have been taught at a youger age when we first started to become sexually active. the one and only concern was "getting your rocks off"so to speak. who at the teenage level is interested in the sexual happiness of a one nighter. its not until we become committed for life to another person and love etc is involved that this all becomes an issue. yes it is hard work(dont recall anyone saying it was easy!) and yes it does take time and effort but is all this worthwhile? too right it is.

not only do we become closer sexually but also in everyday ordinary things. of course the "downside" is lack of sleep!

as they say though sacrifices must be made, in order for both of you to fully enjoy the journey.

 

[TBKahuna123]

hey littelpiggy, here's an idea! Talk to him outside of the bedroom, tell him what the issue is and how you'd like him to approach it and what you'd like him to change. Then, instead of expecting him to read your body language, come up with some sign. This could be a certain touch, a code word, hell tap out like a wrestler in a choke hold, something that he can remember to trigger his brain to go OOPS! Time to stop!

 

[kiwichyck]

Bump......................