Ford Fairlane's Answering Machine

[penprick]

Ford Fairlane - Rock and Roll Detective​

OOC: If you know the Andrew Dice Clay movie, you should be familiar with Ford's hilarious answering machine messages. This thread is an attempt to generate crazy, cheesy, lewd, crude, rude, raunchy, stupid, goofy, sarcastic, satirical, ridiculous and horny answering machine messages. Anything goes, folks. Leave Ford a message. /OOC

I was rolling down the Santa Monica one morning after wrapping up a case. Mariah Carey had lost her g-spot and wanted me to find it. I know she aint exactly rock and roll, but with a set o' cans like hers, who cares? Do you know what a Mariah Carey orgasm sounds like? Me neither. Apparently it's about four octaves beyond the range of human hearing.

Some asshole cut in front of me across three lanes of traffic to make an exit.

"Hey, watch it, snapperhead!"

She paid me off in vouchers to some place called Rancho del Rehab. As generous as it was, it didn't exactly pay the bills. Maybe I could pass them off to Robert Downey. Until then I needed work. I had to get home and check my messages.

 

[penprick]

Smokes

But it would have to wait a little longer. First I needed to stop for smokes.

Cigarettes were gettin' so damned expensive. Since I had no kids (at least that I knew of), the store usually settled for an arm or a leg. I was running out of limbs and was afraid that one of these days they'd ask for Stanley. My big three expenditures were rent, gas and smokes. I figured if I quit smoking I could save enough money to pay about 9 of the 18 months backrent I owed, but it was impossible. I tried everything from cold turkey to gum to the patch to hypnosis. Nothin' worked. Then I got the most brilliant idea of all. I tried to convince myself that every time I had a smoke I was actually sticking a fag in my mouth. If that didn't work, nothing would. Heck, I figured it would be a heluva way to market the queer demographic if nothin' else. It didn't work. I lasted shorter than a virgin in a nympho harem. On top of that, I started gettin' depressed every time I torched up thinkin' that there was a chance I might be gay. I had to see a shrink. The therapy cost me more than the smokes.

But don't worry girls, that's all behind me now. Ford Fairlane aint no fairy. Come flip my Zippo anytime.

"Menthol? Are you kiddin' me? That's like listenin' to the Bee Gees!"

Okay, I got my smokes. Now let's get home to those messages.

OOC: Someone on this site must have seen this tacky flick. Leave your phony messages below and I'll respond! /OOC

 

[krazykyotee]

"BEEP"

"Uh, yeah, is this the... Fairlane Detective Agency? I, uh, am interested in hiring your services in invesigating my business partner. I think he might, well, be performing illegal activities wihtin my business, and be in sexual relations with my wife as well. My name is Kenneth Gee. My number is 213 555 1213. Please reply back if your available, thank you."

 

[Adapt]

-BEEP-

“Huh, what the hell is this, your fuckin machine, well anit this a muthafuckin bitch…!” shuffling could be heard in the statically background, then a lighter.

“Well the shit you ordered didn’t come in…” A pause.

“Would you fuckin quiet with the fuckin muthafuckin shit back there!” In the distance was heard, sounds of fast moaning and a bed shaking is heard…

“Sorry Slim!” A voice screamed.

“Now where was…” spoken like both lips were clenched over a cigarette and still trying to speak…

“ Shit, ouch!” Loud over the answering machine…

“Damn these new fangle stupid ugly ass, retarded doubled headed, toe-sucking stupid idiot, finger biting lighters…” grumbling is heard and the phone dropping and bounce…

“Damnit” heard once more and shuffling as the phone is picked up.

“Where was I…” A long pause and a short humming.

“Oh yea, the supplies, wait….what about them, hold on a sec” shuffling is heard…

“The hell is this…? Damnit, I need to get back to him, wait… here it is, 12 sawed off shotguns…? This anit right… wait, this must be it…hold on, I fuckin called you back in a sec or a min Fair”

-CLICK-

-BEEP-

“Ok, I got the shit right here…wait a sec, this aint it…hmmmm” shuffling is heard and the sound of another light is lit…

“Well this sucks, I cant find your shit, you need to give me a call back with your conformation number, you know that 37 digit number I gave you…you still have that shit, right…?” phone sounds like its moving away…

“Wait, I got…”

-CLICK-

-BEEP-

“Ok ok, I got it, it’s the 7826 packages of the experimental condoms…? Wait a sec, that cant be it, this one has to be it!” the shuffling of papers is heard once more…

-CLICK-

-BEEP-

“Son-of-a-Bitch, I need to stop droppin that fuckin cordless” A knock is heard in the background.

“Who the fuck is that, shit, I don’t want no more of them funky ass girl scout cookies…”
there’s a pause and a moment later the sound of crunching cookies is heard and the man speaking as he is eating the cookies.

“I cant find shit in this place…!”

-CLICK-

 

[penprick]

When I got home I put my feet up on the desk and took out a cigarette. I flipped the smoke up in the air like a Tommy Lee drumstick and sparked up the Zippo. Then I caught the smoke in my lips and lit it. Hendrix's Crosstown Traffic was playing on my stereo, appropriately enough after my run in with that jerkoff on the freeway.

"Forgive me Master Jimi."

I had to turn him down to hear my messages. I hit play on the machine.

...

Kenneth ... Gee ... Kenn ... hey, wait a minute. Kenny G callin' me about a case? Oh God (cringe)! I'm a rock and roll detective. I don't do muzak no matter how hard up I am!

"You're tearin' me apahht!"

I turned down Jimi for this? Mr. Gee's lucky I don't go shove that sax so far down his throat that he farts in b-flat!

...

Ahh good ol' Slim, and only slightly shady. If there's anything you ever don't wanna receive, be sure to order it from Slim. He won't let you down. He's got a line on incompetence that would make teamsters proud. He used to have such a foul mouth, though.

I gotta take a nap. I got a date later tonite and I need my beauty sleep.

OOC: Keep 'em comin' folks, I got a million of 'em. /OOC

 

[Adapt]

-BEEP-

Ford, this is Seth, I handled what you wanted me to take care of, I’ll have to add in some addition expensive, no, never mind, consider us even…” A soft toned voice was heard on the other end…

“I found her in China, tracking him was no problem and finding her was easier, she has a new name and a new chest, seems she has gotten…bigger since you last saw her perhaps, not me to exchange anything non-business, so, our usual flat fee…?” the man spoke with an air of confidence of his chosen profession.

“Anyways, I will leave the information at the usual place, take care of yourself…”

-CLICK-

 

[satindesire]

"Uumm...Message machine. So, like...I hate these. Umm...so I guess I have to cancel tonight. Like, I have this thing that I have to go to and I so hate it, and it's totally bad, but...like...I have to go. So like, call me. Oh..It's Michelle. Sorry...Uumm..Just call me, okay? I have to go. So call me."

Click.

Beep

"Hi. It's Michelle again. I guess I like, actually don't have to do the thing anymore. So...umm...call me. I think I can still totally go out tonight. With you. Like, if you want. So. Um. Call me."

Click

Beep

"Ummm...it's Michelle. You didn't call me. It's been an hour already...are you like, not interested? Because, umm...if you like, aren't. Just tell me. I'm totally okay with that. I'm totally okay. Just...umm...call me. I can still go out with you tonight, if, like, you want to. So...umm. Call me, okay?"

Click

Beep

"Are you gonna call me, 'cause, like I've been waiting here. And it's like...been two hours already. So if you're like, totally not interested in dating me anymore just...totally tell me, okay? Just call me and let a chick know, okay, because, like, it's driving me crazy. Call me. Ummm...Oh, right. It's Michelle. Right. Okay. Call me."

 

[penprick]

(Yawn) Oh thank God that was just a dream. I dreamt I was being stalked by Wilson Phillips. What a terrible nightmare (whimper). Now what was on the menu again? Oh yea, I had a date. Oh, the machine is blinkin' again. Better check that before I leave.

...

Seth? (blush) uhh. I don't know any Seth (let steam out of my collar). Heh heh, must be wrong number. Next!

...

Michelle! That was her name. It woulda' came to me once I recognized her ass anyways. I'm a little late but that's okay. The longer she waits, the hungrier she'll get. Maybe we can just skip dinner and head straight for dessert. Don't wait up. My machine will catch any messages.

 

[penprick]

What a night!

Why the hell am I payin' rent if I never sleep at home? I must be dumber than I look, but then of course that can't be too hard when you look as good as ol' Ford here. Man, what a night.

Michelle asked me to use protection. "Protection?" I says. "Honey the nineties are over, we don't need condoms anymore." She said she was afraid of catching virginity. I told her, "No worries babe, Let Ford vaccinate ya'. You'll never have a problem again." If there's one thing everyone should know about virginity, it's like a balloon. One prick and it's gone forever.

Well, another day same old bills to pay. Better get back and check my messages.