for your review please

[dark stranger]

this is one of my highway view writes...not erotic, but she was/is in her way of living..hope it brings a smile , thank you DS

1 above top shelf


rush hour thirty
hump day animation
bumper to bumper attitudes
on their way to draw a draft
at the outback or back-inn
cell phone vapors
sculpture delineation of oblivion
nukin’ what an amber ale
don’t hammer edge emboss

she is a cigar store dancer
her perfume is havana heaven
and hell o on tan
tight rolled, firm, fixed fine
works out 3 days a week
goes to the bank sometimes
the other 4 and discusses
the genre of gothic styles
and art of being legal and tender

says she is into hemingway
or robusto in terra cotta
they are on the bottom shelf
only she can select them
without taking her eyes
off your lighter or keys
or whatever that is there
protuberant and attentive
to her effortless expectation

she wears valleys in her cream color
can hold a punch braless
while she leans and lights
a fire with her hips
in the mirror
reflecting back she says
she has practiced that pose
to make soft men
into contented statuary


she checks her hems and hers
drives a benz a mile into ambiguity
then back to vague simile
copper and beige
over cohiba tags
and leather seats
that smell like money
and her lady friends'
white shoulder recollection


©Dark

 

[Sweetwood]

she is a cigar store dancer
her perfume is havana heaven
and hell o on tan
tight rolled, firm, fixed fine
works out 3 days a week
goes to the bank sometimes
the other 4 and discusses
the genre of gothic styles
and art of being legal and tender

©Dark

This stanza is so complete, it makes you want to cry or groan.

I find the first stanza too abstract. I don't know what you mean by it. As far as I am concerned you could have left it out altogether.

The 3rd stanza is solid. The fourth is again almost perfect except that the word statuary rubs me the wrong way. I believe "hard monuments" would work better and would be somewhat more explicit. It would also underline how frightful and how fascinating she is. Also it would leave the reader wondering whether the men become frozen by her look or mere memorabilia in her collection. In some ways this stanza is also the place where she becomes most explicit. Just a thought.

I find the ending a little weak. This is my suggestion:

Then checks her hems and -
drives her benz back into ambiguity
into the vagueness of the smile
of copper and of beige
over cohiba tags
and leather seats
that smell like money
and her lady friends'
white shoulder recollection

Those are my thoughts.

Sweetwood

 

[dark stranger]

thanks wood..

the first stanza is the place..

across from the cigar store is an outback and a little bar called the back inn...

the street is a highway so it is backed up with cell phone jockies every wednesday afternoon and they all end up in the outback sipping fosters..

but as they say if one has to explain it, it didn't get there...

the ending is about her and her girl friend, she is the dom and is always checking to make sure Sue' is proper before they cross the street to the bar....

appreciate the input it is a pleasure to gather others views of a snapshot.

sincere thanks

 

[Sex The Drug]

I like it.

What more can I say. It is your view on how the "story" or snapshot happens.

 

[dark stranger]

humble thanks STD

STD, thank you for the read, and reply.
This group has some prize input..and it is
appreciated by this old dot maker.

 

[~Dream~]

with Artful's permission,

Dark,I found your poem to be very fascinating but then i feel that way about them all,always have,always will >>> see where I made over 100?? lol hey you might not yet know me under this name but i was >dreamangel4980 i just hang out at bdsm now ..have a great day Dark one.. 's

 

[dark stranger]

thank you

I like the new name babe...and thanks for the read..
congrats on the over 100..nice avator....

mine is scary so I won't hurry to get to 100..(grin)

have huge happies D

 

[~Dream~]

With Artful's permission,

You are quite welcome D.S.
this is not my permanent avy tho as my other one is not yet finished
I am at bdsm forum now and my Master's name is artful,hence my name change he he ..you take care and hurry and write more hey?/ I always was one to love dark and foreboding things he he