For the Teachers - 7 Reasons not to mess with Children

[Lady_Kit]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer, ' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

[Guest]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

I think I married that girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

'I bring you these fifteen Crash!, err, ten commandments." - Moses as played by Mel Brooks in "History of the World Part I"

"If Moses had been a woman...she'd have asked for directions and they would have reached the promised land in a week, tops." - anonymous (but most likely a woman)


Okay, having been light hearted, maybe even blasphemous, let me recount a story the minister told in a sermon that has stayed with me.

A man and a woman, serious drug users, were murdered in their home by dealers they owed serious money to. Their little girl, about six years old, hid in a closet knowing instintively if she made a sound, or cried in the least, she'd be murdered too.

When the police found her, they placed her in foster care. The foster family took her to Sunday school the next Sunday. It was the first time the little girl had ever been in a church of any kind.

During class, the teacher held up a painting of Jesus. "Does anyone know who this man is?" the teacher asked.

"I do." said the little girl solemely. "That was the man that stayed with me in the closet."

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"I do." said the little girl solemely. "That was the man that stayed with me in the closet."

*biting tongue to stop from making stupid comments about Jesus coming out of the closet*

 

[Guest]

*biting tongue to stop from making stupid comments about Jesus coming out of the closet*

Probably a good idea. You wouldn't want to be personally responsible for a glacier overrunning Sweden this winter.

 

[Stella_Omega]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Teacher, ignorantly, allowed the child to lead the argument. The question was biology, not bible studies.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

 

[Svenskaflicka]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body".

As an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anal cavity of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the bottom of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at the students and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

 

[sweetnpetite]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I misunderstood that one and thought that the little girl was going to kill everyone!!!!!!!!

 

[Svenskaflicka]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of chicken little to her class.
she came to the part where chicken little warns the farmer she read "...and chicken little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling'..." The teacher then asked the class
"And what do you think the farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said Holy SH*T! a talking chicken!"
the teacher was unable to speak for 10 minutes
_______________________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into
bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" the mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." ___________________________________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and
said,"We'll run in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and....in and out....until St.Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[Svenskaflicka]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"

 

[Recidiva]

"Never raise your hand to a child. It leaves the groin area unprotected."

Robert Heinlein

 

[Svenskaflicka]

How To Stop People From Bugging You About Getting Married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Once upon a time a female brain cell, by mistake, ended up in a man's head.....

She looked around nervously, because it was so empty and quiet.
"Hello?", she cried, but there was no answer.....
"Is anyone here?" Still no answer......

Now the female brain cell started to feel really scared, and she yelled as loud as she could
"HELLO!!! IS ANYONE HERE???"


And finally, she heard a faint voice from far, far away:

"We're down here."

 

[MissBri]

 

[Svenskaflicka]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,

Who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them Food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic Looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said,

"In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To Which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

 

[Svenskaflicka]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!!