For my American Friends

[Isabella Thorne]

I received this joke today .. it is kind of a variation on one that Sir M posted a while back ... gotta love those Canuck snowbirds ..

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "what about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the assholes I'm sending them from the north every winter. This will test their faith annually."

 

[Expertise]

Heard that originally as Canada and the "assholes to the south of them" and LAUGHED....!

This was much funnier though......

*hides behind a rock alternately humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy"

 

[Isabella Thorne]

State Mottos

i know Chandler .. that's why I said this was a variation on that joke ... silly PM <hugs> ... hey what do you think of this one:

Alabama:
Yes, we have electricity

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
Where Science Don't Mean Sh__!

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family-Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Where men are men and sheep are scared

 

[Ian1]

CANADIANS! EVERYWHERE!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh........
:::runs off screaming and waving his hands over his head:::

 

[Dudley]

Good Day

How's it goin', eh?

 

[Isabella Thorne]

take off, eh?
_______________
If I had a million dollars, I'd be rich.
~Barenaked Ladies~

 

[Gaucho]

Re: State Mottos

Vermont:
Yep

I believe that should be "aayup"

 

[Expertise]

Isabella quit perpetuating regional stereotypes! The canadian ones.....the american ones are too funny.

If ya' don't i'm going to start making fun of how you central canadian types pronounce whore and Bloor, when both should rhyme with door or floor not skewer or sewer.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

I have no idea why I thought of this, but I always have a chuckle when I remember Robert Conrad in "Centenial" playing a macho French Canadian fur trapper with a very thick accent. "I am Pasquinelle. I have no fear." He was great.

Loved the State Motto's -- very funny.

 

[Expertise]

Dixon it would surprise you to know just how many of your countrymen (principly those not living in the border or "snowbird"states) think we travel to our jobs from our igloos via dog sled and canoe, trap, or hunt seals all day then return home, if a mountie in his dress red serge uniform doesn't stop us along the way, to drink our molsons and dry out our furs and buckskins.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

LOL -- You mean you don't?

If we're confused it's your own damn fault for not breaking the country down well. It's like you started naming the place, got tired, waved your hand over half the country and said, "Northwest Territories."

Well, that's how most Americans see it anyway.

When Americans talk about themselves or their country they go out of their way to refer to which State their from, and often, what city. The States here are like little countries with enormous power, so we have a good sense of the difference between Utah and Florida. Canada often does feel like a big old lump of sameness up there, despite the fact that there are enormous differences countrywide in Canada, and proud Quebec is more likely to secede before Texas.

So, Canadian friends, help us poor, isolationistic Americans, and don't say "I'm Canadian." Use the opportunity to say "I'm from Montreal" or "British Columbia" (or whatever the hell else you got up there) and educate us -- if we can visualize Canada as a detailed map with borders some of the sterotypes will go away.

Visual aids! Give us visual aids!

 

[April]

What happened to poor Alaska? And the state mottos for Arkansas and Missippi should be switched.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

"Alaska Needs Women"?

"Fundra in the Tundra"?

"Not Canada"?

 

[Naked Hunny]

Re: State Mottos

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

We have coal mines left? Id like to know where because i live in coalcracker country and all the mines are closed!!

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Ontar-iar-iar-io

If we're confused it's your own damn fault for not breaking the country down well. It's like you started naming the place, got tired, waved your hand over half the country and said, "Northwest Territories."

Well, that's how most Americans see it anyway.

So, Canadian friends, help us poor, isolationistic Americans, and don't say "I'm Canadian." Use the opportunity to say "I'm from Montreal" or "British Columbia" (or whatever the hell else you got up there) and educate us -- if we can visualize Canada as a detailed map with borders some of the sterotypes will go away.

Visual aids! Give us visual aids!

ummm ha ha Dixon ... well i must say that i have often thought the same thing .. i think it is because the U.S. is more densely populated than Canada ... The North West Territories, for instance, has very little population ... there ain't nobody there ha ha ha ..

If you want to visualize Canada and its borders, dear, ummmm hey look at a map of Canada ..

I live in Ontario ... where Toronto is .. and also where our capital city of Ottawa is located ...

ummm also darling Montreal is a city (in la belle province of Quebec) and British Columbia is a province on the west coast ..

ha ha Chandler ... Bloor and whore do ryhme with sewer .. I never knew you could pronounce Bloor Street any other way lmao .. no seriously dear ..

and Nance and Hunny Bunny .. sorry but i didn't write the joke .. but it's true i never noticed that Alaska wasn't listed before ...

hey maybe we should create a joke with our province's mottos ... i'm open to suggestions ... from Canucks or non-Canucks lol ... I'll start i guess ..

Ontario:
The home of Chocolate Cherry Blossoms and Prime Ministers.
_____________________
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
and the other one is giving a peace sign.
~Alanis Morrisette~

 

[Mia]

Isabella for me Ontario meant, “Where you can buy Dr.Pepper”

You see up until last year you couldn’t get Dr.Pepper here in Montreal (for obvious reasons). And from the way people talk Quebec would be “The home of smoked meat, poutine and strippers” but I would say...

Quebec
Just for Laughs

In reference to our wonderful festival and the whole political atmosphere.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Eh?

Ok i am going to sound stupid i think, mia .. but please why is it obvious that dr. pepper was not allowed in quebec? i did not know that ..

oh how bout:

Quebec
You can drink booze at 18
____________
Go for a soda
~Kim Mitchell~

 

[Rosebud]

Thank you for the laugh Sexy Izzy...http://www.passionthoughts.com/beauty/lips_kissing.gif

 

[Mia]

Sorry Isabella, I realized after I posted that it would be clear only if you lived here. In the war of languages pepper has a negative connotation. The Anglophones use it in reference to Francophones in a derogatory manner, so if you wanted to insult an Anglo call him a pepper.

The problem with Dr.Pepper is that their slogan for the longest time was, “I’m a Pepper. You’re a Pepper. Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper to?”

Now Francophones mostly drink Pepsi so then the ads would mainly be targeted at Anglophones and no Anglo wants to a Pepper. Which was shame because I loved the stuff, still do. For some reason it just started showing up on food shelves about a year ago, before that you couldn’t find it anywhere.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Please pass the pepper

that's so weird cause a derogatory term for a francophone is a pepsi, non?

bad marketing on the part of the dr. peppers, i think ... i just never knew that ...

merci beaucoup pour le scoop de le dr. pepper!

 

[Siren]

Izzy gal........

 

[Isabella Thorne]

You like a little pepper on your sweet bacon canadienne, eh cherie Siren?
_______________
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
~you know who ha ha~

 

[Skibum]

Texan, a canadian, and a Vermonter are playing poker. The Texan wins a hand, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Lone Star. He takes a sip, then throws the bottle in the air and whips out a gun, shooting the bottle bfore it can hit the ground. When asked why he did that he says, "In Texas we have plenty of beer, and bottles are cheap!"

They continue the game. In due course the Canadian wins a hand. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Molsen. He takes a sip, then throws the bottle in the air and shoots it before it can hit the ground. He says, "In Canada, we have plenty of Molsen, and bottles are cheap!"

They continue. Finally the Vermonter wins a hand. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a Long Trail Ale. He takes a sip. He takes another sip. he chug-a-lugs the bottle, looks at it, and puts it back in his pocket. He whips out a gun and shoots the Canadian.

The Texan asks him, "What the hell did you do that for?"

The Vermonter repies, "Well, in Vermont, we have plenty of Canadians, and bottles cost a nickel."

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Shoot em up!

That was hilarious, Skibum dear!

Are there really that many of us in Vermont .... yikes ... both peppers and pepsis, eh?

 

[April]

Hmm, Peppers and Pepsi's? Just doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe the reason Dr. Pepper is showing up on the shelves, is the new slogan. Something about "Dr. Pepper makes the world taste better." Maybe?