For Lauren.Hyde - Wherver I May Find Her

[Rybka]

You asked for it. It ain't purty, but it rhymes!

I'm In My Shadow
by Lauren.Hynde

Lauren In Shadow

****

I am my shadow,
she doesn't follow me,
I'm in my shadow
and not in myself.

I am in my shadow,
she does not follow me.
I am just my shadow,
a shade I seem to be.

****

Shadow of the me that gets all the light,
shadow attached to what I was born,
immutable distance from my shadow to me,

Shadow of the me that gets all the light,
the shadow attached to the shape I was born,
Me, I'm the shadow with soul black as night,
immutable distance from darkness to morn.

****

I reach to touch myself but cannot feel a thing,
I only know what could have been
if my shadow reached out to me.

I reach to touch myself but cannot feel me there,
I only know what could have been.
I reach to touch myself but only feel the air,
what If my shadow called me kin?

****

My whole world happens in following me
and I pretend to be chased,
I pretend to lead
instead of pursuing myself.

My whole world happens in following me
and I pretend to be chased,
I pretend to lead and that I am free
but I know my soul's erased.

****

I do all I can to join my shadow and me:
I'm always at the gates of life,
I'm always, always, at the gates of me.

I try to rejoin my shadow and me:
I'm always at the gates of life.
I'm always, always, at the gates of 'we',
I hope to end this mortal strife.

 

[Rybka]

Wherver ?

DRAT! I hate when I do that!

 

[Ancient117331]

The 'flow' of the poem when read aloud stumbles.
I like what you tried, at least you kept within her
original words.

Chriw Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Lauren In Shadow

Rybka:

First of all, thank you for responding to my challenge, I can't imagine how difficult must have been to write poetry with someone else's words.

I agree with Chris, though. I think it stumbles sometimes, mainly because of the differences of meter in each rhyme, but also because some of the words I used in I'm In My Shadow aren't suited for the more flowing rhythm of a ABAB rhyme scheme. You could have appropriated the original poem in a different way, incorporated it into your own vocabulary and imagery. I'm sure you could have pulled that off with ease.

Funny thing about this: I don't know how a third party sees this, but even though you used practically all my verses, I completely lost sight of the message I was trying to convey originally. The little changes you made, especially in the second half of the poem, really made this a completely different piece.

I blame myself for making it more cryptic than I should.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Wherver ?

DRAT! I hate when I do that!

on a side note:

I know you're a recent addition to Lit, otherwise I wouldn't be saying this. Do you know there's an "edit" button below each post?

Oh, could I ask you a favour? Could you please post this on the original Fuck With My Poem thread? Thanks