For a Successful Relationship....

3113

Hello Summer!
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Complimenting the "Brain on Love" article were these pointers on making a relationship last. Again, I'm sure these won't be much of a surprise.
What makes a relationship last

Beyond the chemistry of passion and romance, at the intersection of feeling and understanding, lies the hope of happily ever after. Researchers call this state companionate love -- the kind of love people feel after years of arguments, joy, tragedies and successes mutually felt. To arrive there, couples have to get on the road to success pretty quickly. About a third of divorces occur after just four years of marriage, according to Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, psychologist at the Ohio State University College of Medicine.

Here's some success tips from relationship experts, based on surveys of couples in relationships that have lasted.

• Couples who stay together kid themselves a bit. For example, they typically underestimate their partners' interest in others. "If you show people pictures of attractive men and women and ask how their partner will look at this person, they underestimate the person's attractiveness to their partner," says Gian Gonzaga, senior research scientist at eHarmony Labs. "It turns out that's actually good because we're not constantly worrying and obsessing."

• Long-term couples don't update their images of each other. "People stick with their initial view," Gonzaga says. "As people get older, they get less attractive, but we don't update." It's why Katharine Hepburn's character in "On Golden Pond" could look at the aging, crabby character played by Henry Fonda and declare: "He's my knight in shining armor."

• Those who endure have a story, and they stick to it. Robert Sternberg, dean of the school of arts and science at Tufts University, has researched this and has come up with about two dozen relationship stories, some good, some bad. The "fairy tale story" has a prince and a princess; the "visionist story" is a business model, accumulating homes, goods and successful children; the "travel story" says that life is a journey; the "police story" divides the partners' roles into cop and perp, with the former constantly monitoring the latter; the "war story" means that two people expect constant fights. "What our research shows is that couples tend to be more satisfied if they have matching story profiles," Sternberg says. Pair a fairy tale believer with a war story believer and "it won't work," he says.

• Anxiety or depression is relationship poison. "Do everything you can to make yourself less anxious and depressed," says Arthur Aron, psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook.

The best predictor of divorce, Aron says, has little to do with love, even less to do with initial attraction. It has to do with the availability of other options. If people are happy, other options are less appealing and they're more likely to stay married. If they're unhappy but can't imagine an alternative that isn't even worse, again, they'll stay married. (This is the probable reason many abused women stay in their relationships.)

But if someone is gorgeous, rich and hot, he or she might have a hard time sticking with one mate. "Movie stars have a hard time because they constantly have great alternatives thrust in front of them," Aron says. -- Susan Brink

What I find most interesting is the "story" element (no surprise, right?). It goes back to that wonderfully true line in When Harry Met Sally where Sally learns her ex is going to marry someone else, she's sobbing over it and Harry, in confusion asks, "Do you want him back?" and Sally says, "No. But why didn't he want to marry me?" She knows her ex wasn't right for her, but it hurts her that he never wanted to marry her. And really, here's part of the answer: he couldn't marry her because her "story" of how the romance was to be wasn't his story. He had to find someone who shared his story, just as she had to find someone who shared her story.
 
• Those who endure have a story, and they stick to it. Robert Sternberg, dean of the school of arts and science at Tufts University, has researched this and has come up with about two dozen relationship stories, some good, some bad. The "fairy tale story" has a prince and a princess; the "visionist story" is a business model, accumulating homes, goods and successful children; the "travel story" says that life is a journey; the "police story" divides the partners' roles into cop and perp, with the former constantly monitoring the latter; the "war story" means that two people expect constant fights. "What our research shows is that couples tend to be more satisfied if they have matching story profiles," Sternberg says. Pair a fairy tale believer with a war story believer and "it won't work," he says.

Makes sense.

I'm a "travel story" person. Ex is a "fairy tale story" person.

ETA: Sternberg did that triangle research on types of love, too. Interesting stuff.
 
impressive said:
Makes sense.

I'm a "travel story" person. Ex is a "fairy tale story" person.

ETA: Sternberg did that triangle research on types of love, too. Interesting stuff.

Much as I hate to admit to anything so unromantic, I think Fiance and I may go for the business model.... We love each other, but there's things we want to achieve and we make ourselves very happy when we talk about what we want and how we're going to achieve it.

We could possibly be travel people, but I'm not sure.

I'm romantic, but fairy tale people annoy me... Life isn't like that.

x
V
 
Vermilion said:
I'm romantic, but fairy tale people annoy me... Life isn't like that.

x
V

Sure it is ;)

<---- Fairy Tale person.

So, am I annoying you, yet?
 
Vermilion said:
I'm romantic, but fairy tale people annoy me... Life isn't like that.
I don't think the other stories exclude romance; rather, I think that most people just identify fairy tale with romance--it is the first way most of us are introduced to romance after all, by being read a fairytale.

But romance isn't limited to such tales.

And I can understand what you mean about the fairy tale types. If you were raised, as I was, seeing the nitty-gritty reality of relationships, the hard times, bitter arguments, up-and-downs and such, then you're going to be annoyed by fairy tale types who put all their energy into attending glittering parties and enjoying carriage rides under the moonlight, with the expectation of marrying a handsome prince or princess and living happily-ever-after.

To be fair to them, however, it can work out fine if the prince finds a princess and vice versa.
 
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Gross. Gross, gross, gross.

Way to boil it all down until it's scorched in the bottom of the pot and you say "Eureka, this is what it's all about!"
 
slyc_willie said:
Sure it is ;)

<---- Fairy Tale person.

So, am I annoying you, yet?


I'm not trying to date you...

I had one boyfriend who seemed to think that once you were together that was it - tra la la - happily ever after. He ignored problems and pretended everything was fine. Drove me screwy.

There's room in love for reality.
x
V
 
I think I'm a traveler who tried to masquerade as a fairy tale person. Or a fairy tale person who became a traveler. Not too sure on that one.

Fairy Traveler maybe? :confused: No, wait, that just doesn't sound right.
 
Vermilion said:
I'm not trying to date you...

I had one boyfriend who seemed to think that once you were together that was it - tra la la - happily ever after. He ignored problems and pretended everything was fine. Drove me screwy.

There's room in love for reality.
x
V

Of course there is. Makes all the fairy tale bits better. ;)

Not that relationships can be qualified so easily. But like all those on-line surveys to see what kind of cat, or car, or shade of lipstick you are, it's fun to see where a person 'might' fit in.
 
Recidiva said:
Gross. Gross, gross, gross.

Way to boil it all down until it's scorched in the bottom of the pot and you say "Eureka, this is what it's all about!"

Spoilsport. ;) I seriously doubt anyone's taking this as gospel.
 
Well shit then I just have multiple personalities cos I fit in most to some degree. :rolleyes: No wonder I'm so difficult to live with...but you know what enough of my personalities know how to smooth out the edges. :D
 
slyc_willie said:
<---- Fairy Tale person.

So, am I annoying you, yet?
Naw. You're a very exciting fairy tale. Have you slain the giant, used the magic cloak of invisibility, gotten hold of the treasure, performed all three tasks and won the heart of the princess yet? :D
 
3113 said:
Naw. You're a very exciting fairy tale. Have you slain the giant, used the magic cloak of invisibility, gotten hold of the treasure, performed all three tasks and won the heart of the princess yet? :D

Nah, the Princess is still out there, and apparently, the cloak of invisibility only works on itself . . . :p
 
slyc_willie said:
Nah, the Princess is still out there, and apparently, the cloak of invisibility only works on itself . . . :p
Well, given how *I* view *my* story and my place in it...I'd be happy to meet ya in the big bad woods to swap some magical items and advice on how to win the princess...for a favor or two, of course ;)

You bring the picnic lunch, I'll bring the wine you're not suppose to drink...and please don't kill the wolf on your way in, he's an endangered species.
:devil:
 
3113 said:
Well, given how *I* view *my* story and my place in it...I'd be happy to meet ya in the big bad woods to swap some magical items and advice on how to win the princess...for a favor or two, of course ;)

You bring the picnic lunch, I'll bring the wine you're not suppose to drink...and please don't kill the wolf on your way in, he's an endangered species.
:devil:

Why do I get the feeling, if I told you to roll a 'reflex save,' you wouldn't bat an eye? :p

As for a date in the woods, me and my vorpal and invisible cloak will be there.
 
I probably have a bit of the incurable romantic "fairy tale believer" in me. I've always thought there was someone out there that would totally "get" me.

I thought I'd found him, but I was wrong, and the belief, while still there, is kinda tarnished.
 
Hmmmmmm,

Not sure how I fit in.

I've been married for the past 15 years. I'm more in love with my wife than when I got married.

My rules for marriage?

Keep it honest.
Talk.
Play a bit.

Keep it honest? Yep, we both know our financial situation. I keep track but I make sure she knows how much money we have at any given time. There are no mistakes made.

Talk? Oh hell yes. We tell each other our fanatsies. If she looks at a guy and finds him hot she knows she can tell me that. The same with me. (Thankfully we're both picky.)

Play a bit? Yes that's right. Play. Life's too damned serious.

My wife and I have been through some tough times and yet we have managed to pull through it all.

We're happy because we follow some very basic rules.

Cat
 
SeaCat said:
Hmmmmmm,

Not sure how I fit in.

I've been married for the past 15 years. I'm more in love with my wife than when I got married.

My rules for marriage?

Keep it honest.
Talk.
Play a bit.

Keep it honest? Yep, we both know our financial situation. I keep track but I make sure she knows how much money we have at any given time. There are no mistakes made.

Talk? Oh hell yes. We tell each other our fanatsies. If she looks at a guy and finds him hot she knows she can tell me that. The same with me. (Thankfully we're both picky.)

Play a bit? Yes that's right. Play. Life's too damned serious.

My wife and I have been through some tough times and yet we have managed to pull through it all.

We're happy because we follow some very basic rules.

Cat

Similarly, my wife and I had once figured out how to have the 'perfect' relationship (subjectively speaking). it comes down to three things:

Fidelity
Honesty
Communication

I've always thought about having those words tattooed somewhere . . .
 
slyc_willie said:
Similarly, my wife and I had once figured out how to have the 'perfect' relationship (subjectively speaking). it comes down to three things:

Fidelity
Honesty
Communication

I've always thought about having those words tattooed somewhere . . .

Gee, sounds familiar.

I do have it tattooed. It's called Honor.

Cat
 
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