Foolishness

[mikeperk]

My new story entitled 'Foolishness' is now available for viewing at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=155677

I think it's my best yet. How about taking a look and letting me know what you think?

 

[MLyons]

I'm afraid this story just wasn't for me. I read it, and I "got it" I think, but I wasn't particularly affected by it. I don't think that had to do with bad writing, really.... I guess it was just the perspective, the emotions (or lack thereof), and the chain of events that I didn't respond to.

I couldn't relate to the guy in the story at all. I suppose I could relate up until the point that she asked for money, but once she was revealed as a prostitute that wanted less and less to do with him as time went on, all while he is simply becoming more and more turned on, my understanding of this guy's interest in fucking this girl just went right out the window.

Obviously you were going for something more than a simple fuck, and that's admirable, but whatever point you were trying to make didn't speak to me personally, perhaps because I understand myself and my motivations better than your characters understand themselves.

His reactions just didn't make sense to me. I don't know. The story just seemed unfocused in a way, like you didn't quite know why you were writing it. Near the end, when I was pretty much ready to bail out, she started crying, and I was immediately interested again because there was some actual identifiable human emotion, but then it was glanced over, ignored, and finally even negated by a strange ending that seemingly tried to make a point I didn't understand.

Anyway, like I said, I think maybe it's just not my kind of story, and that's about all there is to it. I do want to reiterate though that this isn't your average Lit. story, and I appreciate your attempt at trying to do something different. Whether it succeeded though, I'm not sure I'm qualified to say.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I thought it was a very good story, although the sex wasn't as much as it might have been. But in a story like this you can't really make a big deal about the sex. It would have left it very unbalanced.

I thought the storytelling was especially clean, very casual and offhand, just like the sex. I read MLyons’ comments and I understand where he’s coming from, but it seems to me that you just weren’t writing the kind of thing he was looking for. This story’s very light and fragile, and simply couldn’t bear any sort of heroic emotions or deep psychological insight. It’s about the most casual of casual sex, and it has that kind of casual feel about that perfectly matches its subject.

The only real problem for me was the payoff, the ending. It really didn’t have much emotional impact for me, and that, along with the brevity of the sex and the casualness of the storytelling made the whole story feel kind of insubstantial. I wonder if the ending could have been set up better, but I’m not really sure how. Maybe if he’d fallen for her, if he’d begged her to meet him again the next night? Not sure

All in all, I thought it was very handsomely done.

---dr.M.

 

[MLyons]

The only real problem for me was the payoff, the ending. It really didn’t have much emotional impact for me, and that, along with the brevity of the sex and the casualness of the storytelling made the whole story feel kind of insubstantial. I wonder if the ending could have been set up better, but I’m not really sure how. Maybe if he’d fallen for her, if he’d begged her to meet him again the next night? Not sure.

I think this actually sums up my biggest disappointment in the story better than what I actually said. It wasn't that I was looking for more sex, or even heroic emotions or deep psychology... but there didn't seem any emotions at all, and the ending is where I felt that payoff was most acutely missing. Like Dr. M said, perhaps it's not the ending itself, but the fact that it needed a set up that was more focused and clear.... I wouldn't want it spelled out by any stretch. In fact it might only be a matter of the tiniest tweaks to bring it out, but it's not entirely clear in what ways the character has changed because of this encounter--even if it's only a simple realization.

On revisting it, I think I was somewhat unfair in my earlier comments. Please forgive me.

This story definitely does make you work for the payoff, and it makes you think. For that I say bravo. That's a darn impressive feat for a story of this length.

I don't believe I would have near the skill required to write a story like this.

 

[mikeperk]

Thanks for your feedback gents.

The story was intended as erotic rather than sexy.

Perhaps you have to be an old bugger like me to appreciate the emotions generated by the situation

I note your disappointment with the conclusion.

Maybe I'll write a sequel that will add the guy's revenge & his wife's reaction.

 

[mikeperk]

Thanks for your feedback gents.

The story was intended as erotic rather than sexy.

Perhaps you have to be an old bugger like me to appreciate the emotions generated by the situation

I note your disappointment with the conclusion.

Maybe I'll write a sequel that will add the guy's revenge & his wife's reaction.

 

[vargas111]

When youpost a notice, I think you owe it to the reader to say something about the story in the post, the category at lease, but preferably more