follow the deer path

[annaswirls]

along the deer path (was follow the deer path)

Thanks in advance to anyone who is interested in reading and making suggestions. I am getting frustrated with this and could use another set of eyes.

along the deer path

I look for you, following their steps
over fallen trees into the soft decay
that crumbles under hoof
heel and sole.


Soft moss nests under grass-covered thicket
look like a place you would rest.
But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where to sit
and wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness.


~

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.

They come floating
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the broken branches
for their own space in the sun.

Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

~

You tell me:

Baby, things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

You tell me:

I am still here
after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.

Be still
I will show myself when you come.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.



follow the deer path

I come to this place of fishermen
and park among pick-ups and four-wheel drives.
V8s are hitched to trailers that carry
boats and canoes.

I know I will not find you on the docks.
It is never that obvious; it is never that loud.

I look for you along the deer path,
stepping over fallen trees
into soft decay that crumbles
into soil under hoof
heel and sole.


Grass-covered thickets conceal soft moss nests.
It looks like a place where you might rest.
But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where to sit
and wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness.


~

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.

They come floating weightless
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the fallen branch
for a open space in the sun.

Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

~

You tell me:

Baby, things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

And you tell me:

You must know I am still here
even after I disappear deep under
into painless buoyancy.

I will be here when you come.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

 

[Angeline]

Overall it is excellent, anna, very thoughtful and moving. My specific thoughts on it are in red.

Thanks in advance to anyone who is interested in reading and making suggestions. I am getting frustrated with this and could use another set of eyes.

follow the deer path

I come to this place of fishermen,
park among pick-ups and four-wheel drives,
the V8s hitched to trailers that carry
boats and canoes.

I know I will not find you on the docks.
It is never that obvious; never that loud.

I look for you along the deer path, how is the deer path related to the fishing hole? the two lines that precede this one give a clue, but it seems to need a bit more to me--maybe "it is never that obvious,/so I look...
stepping over fallen trees
into soft decay that crumbles
soil under hoofI don't think you need "into soil." Consider shifting this way "into soft decay that crumbles/under hoof, heel/and sole" that way you get an even stronger emphasis on "sole" that can also be read as a metaphor for "soul"--I don't know that you meant this, but I like the way it works
heel and sole.


Grass-covered thickets conceal soft moss nests.
It looks like a place where you might rest. who is "you"? "I"? "one"? or do you want to keep it ambiguous to mean either anyone or the person you're looking for? If that's the case, leave it
But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where to sit
and wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness.can "eyes" adjust to stillness? I guess they can, but it struck me odd--I prefer the image that comes with "until I adjust to stillness" it's more layered in meaning, but maybe that's just me


~

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.

They come floating weightless
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the fallen branch
for a open space in the sun.

Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold. check Webster's--I think it's probably "foothold"

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs. this whole section is gorgeous--it feels like the heart of the poem to me--don't change a thing!

~

You tell me:

Baby, things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

And you tell me: I prefer a repeated "You tell me" here

You must know I am still here
even after I disappear deep under again I like the ambiguity of "I'--it could mean "I' or "you" if you know what I mean; and I'd lose "under"--i think it's already implied by the context
into painless buoyancy.

I will be here when you come.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

Beautiful ending. Beautiful poem.

Hope this helps.

 

[ishtat]

Thanks in advance to anyone who is interested in reading and making suggestions. I am getting frustrated with this and could use another set of eyes.

follow the deer path

I come to this place of fishermen
and park among pick-ups and four-wheel drives.
V8s are hitched to trailers that carry
boats and canoes.

I know I will not find you on the docks.
It is never that obvious; it is never that loud.

I look for you along the deer path,
stepping over fallen trees
into soft decay that crumbles
into soil under hoof
heel and sole.


Grass-covered thickets conceal soft moss nests.
It looks like a place where you might rest.
But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where to sit
and wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness.


~

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.

They come floating weightless
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the fallen branch
for a open space in the sun.

Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

~

You tell me:

Baby, things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

And you tell me:

You must know I am still here
even after I disappear deep under
into painless buoyancy.

I will be here when you come.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

Quick comment before I go to work

Are the first six lines necessary at all? I can see how they lead into the telling of the poem but to me as a reader they're not essential.

I don't like "stepping" and "knowing" Stepping could lose the 'ing' perhaps and knowing go altogether?

From "I have seen many turtles" you really hit your straps, excellent. Strong ending.

 

[annaswirls]

Thanks so much Ange! It certainly helps.

As far as eyes adjusting to stillness.... I never thought about it! Maybe it is just me, but after a day, week etc of my eyes tracking everything moving so quickly, it takes a while for them to slow down, stop jumping from one thing to another, and after meditation, I can focus on things and really notice the subtlties. When I first sat down, I did not see turtles, just branches in the water as I scanned past the fishermen in canoes and ducks and frogs jumping when I scared them by unzipping my backpack...

then when I settled in, suddenly the turtles appeared... when my eyes adjusted to stillness. Exhale. and the phrase came to my mind, I had told my son about eyes adjusting to the light/darkness.

At any rate, thanks a bunch, very helpful!

J

Overall it is excellent, anna, very thoughtful and moving. My specific thoughts on it are in red.




Beautiful ending. Beautiful poem.

Hope this helps.

 

[annaswirls]

You know what Ishtat? After reading the poem again with Ange's comments, I thought to myself, you really need to go back and see what is not essential....


They were essential to me because they were important to the re-telling of the story from the beginning, to what led me to the story, but they are not the story itself. I am seriously considering cutting them. Maybe they will be included in the "Making of down the deer path....."





Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, much appreciated!

~J

Quick comment before I go to work

Are the first six lines necessary at all? I can see how they lead into the telling of the poem but to me as a reader they're not essential.

I don't like "stepping" and "knowing" Stepping could lose the 'ing' perhaps and knowing go altogether?

From "I have seen many turtles" you really hit your straps, excellent. Strong ending.

 

[annaswirls]

along the deer path



I look for you, following their steps
over fallen trees into soft decay
that crumbles under hoof
heel and sole.


Soft moss nests under the grass-covered thicket
looks like a place you would stop to rest.
But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where to sit
and wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness.


~

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.

They come floating
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the broken branches
for their own space in the sun.

Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

~

You tell me:

Baby, things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

You tell me:

I am still here
even after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.

I will show myself when you come.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

 

[Fast1]

I am partial to "follow the deer path as a title"
Do you need "heel"?
I'm not sure of "You tell me:" I think you have "Baby," as an immediacy effect.
What do you think of this slight rearangement

Baby,you tell me
things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

You tell me
I am still here
even after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.

Can I try another rearrangement? I like these two lines, I put them back in.

I know I will not find you on the docks.
It is never that obvious; it is never that loud.

Tell me

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.

They come floating
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the broken branches
for their own space in the sun.

Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

You tell me
along the deer path
I look for you, following their steps (to look for you?)
over fallen trees into soft decay
that crumbles under hoof and sole.

Soft moss nests under the grass-covered thicket
looks like a place you would stop to rest.
But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where to sit
and wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness.

Baby,
you tell me
things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

You tell me
I am still here
even after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.

I will show myself when you come.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

"Baby" and "You tell me" imparted a song like quality in my mind, so I added a few, and changed the sequence to give it a feeling of traveling. I hope I did not ruin anything with what you are trying to do.

 

[Sins666]

Overall a VERY good poem. Did not bore me in the least amazingly. The only thing that irk's me no matter how I read it is this

"that crumbles under hoof
heel and sole."

Now IMHO I really do not see the need for "sole". Its purty and all that but for me it just seems to stall the poem. Maybe:

"that crumbles under hoof and heel."

or

"that crumbels under
hoof and heel."

Just my opinion is all. Take it as you please.

[Was that cushy enough for everyone?]

 

[SeattleRain]

Overall a VERY good poem. Did not bore me in the least amazingly. The only thing that irk's me no matter how I read it is this

"that crumbles under hoof
heel and sole."

Now IMHO I really do not see the need for "sole". Its purty and all that but for me it just seems to stall the poem. Maybe:

"that crumbles under hoof and heel."

or

"that crumbels under
hoof and heel."

Just my opinion is all. Take it as you please.

[Was that cushy enough for everyone?]

cushy enough?

you forgot the at the end of every line and the at the end



anna does not mind being kicked around, as long as you alternate it with something like:


"mistress anna you are so beautiful"

even though you played some tired sole soul fillet of my soul word play idiocy

"and so intelligent, witty and talented"


even though most of your poems lull me to sleep like benedryl


"I have all your albums. Will you sign my ass and call it your own?"


You get the idea.

She appreciates honest feedback, she is just too tired to log out and sign back in as anna so I figured I would do it.

all the best, thanks-

~J

 

[annaswirls]

Fast1,

Thanks for the time you took to read and comment.

I am definately looking at the whole heel and sole and that mess.


I will think about the baby rearrangement.

I liked those two lines as well-- thanks for figuring how to get them back in.


As far as ruining the poem, only I can do that. I have ruined some of my best ones.



I will work on this another day I am feeling rebellious and not wanting to edit right now.

Thanks!


~J

I am partial to "follow the deer path as a title"
Do you need "heel"?
I'm not sure of "You tell me:" I think you have "Baby," as an immediacy effect.
What do you think of this slight rearangement

Baby,you tell me
things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

You tell me
I am still here
even after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.

Can I try another rearrangement? I like these two lines, I put them back in.

I know I will not find you on the docks.
It is never that obvious; it is never that loud.

Tell me

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.

They come floating
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the broken branches
for their own space in the sun.

Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

You tell me
along the deer path
I look for you, following their steps (to look for you?)
over fallen trees into soft decay
that crumbles under hoof and sole.

Soft moss nests under the grass-covered thicket
looks like a place you would stop to rest.
But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where to sit
and wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness.

Baby,
you tell me
things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

You tell me
I am still here
even after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.

I will show myself when you come.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

"Baby" and "You tell me" imparted a song like quality in my mind, so I added a few, and changed the sequence to give it a feeling of traveling. I hope I did not ruin anything with what you are trying to do.

 

[annaswirls]

damn it I thought I was finished grrrr


follow the deer path

I knew I would not find you on the docks.
It was never that obvious; it was never that loud.

Instead, I follow the cloven prints
past antler scratched branches,
over fallen trees and into soft decay.

You might be resting upon the moss quilt
hidden in the thicket but I continue

You will show me where to wait
for my eyes adjust to stillness
so I can notice you.

~

They come floating
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan broken branches
for a space in the sun.

I have seen many turtles slide into water
but never while trying to climb out.
Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

~

You tell me:

Baby, I am so heavy here,
Gravity presses my hollow body
back into a shell.

You tell me:

I am still here
even after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

 

[4degrees]

wow
wow
wow

leave it--right there--just like that yeah

 

[Rybka]

picky, picky, picky. . . me

along the deer path
I like just "The deer path", but that is just me.


I look for you, following their steps
over fallen trees into soft decay
that crumbles under hoof
heel and sole.
I don't like "crumbles". I've walked a lot of deer paths and nothing crumbles", maybe "crumples", but I don't really like that either. - I would use the illiterative "hoof and heel", but that again is me, not you.

Soft moss nests under the grass-covered thicket
looks like a place you would stop to rest.
But I continue down the path,
knowing you will show me where to sit
and wait until my eyes to adjust to stillness.
If "nests" is a plural noun and not a verb, then shouldn't "looks like a place" be made to match? - I like "my eyes adjust to stillness". I know what you mean, your ears adjust too.

~

I have seen many turtles slide into water
with a startled splash, but I never
witnessed one trying to climb back up.
I think you mean "never before". Obviously you did this time.


They come floating
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan the broken branches
for their own space in the sun.
The entire turtle segment is excellent, but "snake heads" is off-putting (I don't like seeing snakes in water.)


Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

~

You tell me:

Baby, things are so heavy out here,
the gravity of being presses in
and reminds me how it feels to have a body
that needs to be carried.

You tell me:

I am still here
even after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.
Could "when" or "as" replace "after"?

I will show myself when you come.
Could "you" be used instead of "myself"? "Myself" sounds to simple/blatant/obvious to my ear and the tone.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

This is excellent Anna, but I know how you want perfection for this one.

 

[annaswirls]

thanks Rybka!

I thought I waited long enough to finish this bear in the woods, but I know it needs more. I cannot believe how hard it is to write a poem.

 

[annaswirls]

wow
wow
wow

leave it--right there--just like that yeah

how reading a poem
is like getting a back scratch....




Thanks-as

 

[twelveoone]

follow the deer path

I knew I would not find you on the docks.
It was never that obvious; it is never that loud.

Instead, I follow the cloven prints
past antler scratched branches, around hollow depressions
of flattened grass, over fallen trees and into soft decay.

You might be resting upon the moss quilt
hidden in the thicket but I continue

You will show me where to wait
for my eyes adjust to stillness
so I can notice you.

~

They come floating
from all sides of the lake,
snake heads lifted from water
to scan broken branches
for a space in the sun.

I have seen many turtles slide into water
but never while trying to climb out.
Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.

~

You tell me:

Baby, I am so heavy here,
Gravity presses my hollow body
back into a shell.

You tell me:

I am still here
even after I disappear, deep
into painless buoyancy.

Look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

Instead, I follow the cloven prints
past antler scratched branches, around hollow depressions
of flattened grass, over fallen trees and into soft decay.
this is a little awkard; follow, past, around, over THEN into I am usure of your intent. The first four you are doing, the last one assumes the tree is doing, but one is also lead that maybe it continues for you into soft decay, (because of dead reference in the last sentence),

I have seen many turtles slide into water
but never while trying to climb out.
Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.
This is nice, I like the snake heads scanning, also

Baby, I am so heavy here,
Gravity presses my hollow body
back into a shell.
I'm bothered by this. Here you use shell as a cliche, this almost forgivable, because of the introduction earlier. The introduction of "hollow"bothers me, what else is hollow around it? The image that I'm getting here is a balloon cartoon character being squeezed into a turtle shell.Most will probably miss it, because they are so close to being cliches.

"mistress anna you are so beautiful
and so intelligent, witty and talented
I have all your albums. Will you sign my ass and call it your own?"
only do it with a felt tip

I question "cloven", think foot" is good enough.

 

[annaswirls]

This is excellent Anna, but I know how you want perfection for this one.

almost forgot, what crumbled was a rotted branch that maintained it's shape until I stepped on it, and it really did crumble. You have to visit Maryland woods sometime.

 

[annaswirls]

ta da

follow the deer path

I knew I would not find you on the docks.
It was never that obvious; it was never that loud.

Instead, I follow the deep path
past antler scratched branches.

You will show me where to find you,
there along the lake shore.

Quietly waiting for my eyes
to adjust to stillness.

~

The turtles come floating
from all sides of the lake,
their snake heads lift from water
to scan broken branches
for a space in the sun.

I have seen many turtles slide into water
but never before climbing out.
Thick legs struggle to lift shells
as awkward claws scramble for a foot-hold.

Finally balanced,
the sun dries the shine
from their backs.


~

You tell me:

Baby, I am so heavy out here.
I had forgotten the weight
of existence.

You tell me:

I am still here
even after disappearing deep
into painless buoyancy.

You tell me:

Baby, look for me on the bright side
of the lake. Always follow the deer path.
They too know how to warm their dead.

 

[annaswirls]

Yes you are right 1201! Always catch me when I get cheap or cheezey.


Now I want a poem about cartoon balloon animal being squeezed into a turtle shell.


it can be done.

will a Sharpie do?

Instead, I follow the cloven prints
past antler scratched branches, around hollow depressions
of flattened grass, over fallen trees and into soft decay.
this is a little awkard; follow, past, around, over THEN into I am usure of your intent. The first four you are doing, the last one assumes the tree is doing, but one is also lead that maybe it continues for you into soft decay, (because of dead reference in the last sentence),

I have seen many turtles slide into water
but never while trying to climb out.
Thick legs struggle to lift their shells
as claws scramble for a foot-hold.
This is nice, I like the snake heads scanning, also

Baby, I am so heavy here,
Gravity presses my hollow body
back into a shell.
I'm bothered by this. Here you use shell as a cliche, this almost forgivable, because of the introduction earlier. The introduction of "hollow"bothers me, what else is hollow around it? The image that I'm getting here is a balloon cartoon character being squeezed into a turtle shell.Most will probably miss it, because they are so close to being cliches.

"mistress anna you are so beautiful
and so intelligent, witty and talented
I have all your albums. Will you sign my ass and call it your own?"
only do it with a felt tip

I question "cloven", think foot" is good enough.

 

[twelveoone]

almost forgot, what crumbled was a rotted branch that maintained it's shape until I stepped on it, and it really did crumble.

This is interesting, this image, can it be put to use in the context of the poem.
I'm not sure what version is current, perhaps a reintroduction of the concept of crumbling in the beginning, a rewording of this.

"Baby, I am so heavy here,
Gravity presses my hollow body
back into a shell."

"hollow body back into a shell" strikes me as the weakest phrasing.

 

[twelveoone]

Thanks in advance to anyone who is interested in reading and making suggestions. I am getting frustrated with this and could use another set of eyes.

It's funny, I begin to notice my mistakes, as soon as I post them. It's as if another set of eyes is beginning....

Keep it going, freeze, walk away, come back. It's there, you just have to reach it.

 

[twelveoone]

Yes you are right 1201! Always catch me when I get cheap or cheezey.


Now I want a poem about cartoon balloon animal being squeezed into a turtle shell.


it can be done.

will a Sharpie do?

Hey, I know my cheap and cheezey, besides all my poems are about cartoon balloon animals being squeezed into turtle shells, sometimes they like it, sometimes they don't.

What color is the Sharpie?

 

[annaswirls]

Hey, I know my cheap and cheezey, besides all my poems are about cartoon balloon animals being squeezed into turtle shells, sometimes they like it, sometimes they don't.

What color is the Sharpie?

hmmm...deep purple? is this one of those personality tests
?