Fly in the Ointment

[emptysoul173]

This is my first post on this forum so give me some leeway as I'm not too familiar with the various tricks.

The reason I'm here is for feedback and critique so in the spirit of self improvement, I submit to you a new story that has just posted here.

Fly in the Ointment is a Non-Erotic short that I admit is really more of a scene than a full story. I'd like to get some feedback on it if anyone is willing. I realize Non-Erotic isn't exactly the most popular category so I've come here in search of well thought out feedback.

The link is: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=320533

Thanks

P.S. I know there is a better way to link to things but I'm not sure how. Anyone willing to help me?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I didn't find it all that interesting. And not because it was non-erotic. The problem is we don't know either of the characters and we are immediately immersed in a conversation with them that seems to become acrimonious almost from the start.

I think if this was part of a larger story, I would have found it more interesting.

 

[emptysoul173]

I didn't find it all that interesting. And not because it was non-erotic. The problem is we don't know either of the characters and we are immediately immersed in a conversation with them that seems to become acrimonious almost from the start.

I think if this was part of a larger story, I would have found it more interesting.

I agree. Originally I was thinking of making it a scene in a larger story but I just couldn't generate the rest of it. This particular scene was stuck in my head so I wrote it out in an attempt to use it to improve my writing.

I tend to be longwinded, so this was also an exercise in trying to keep it short. For what it is, I'd like to know if it was worthwhile. Was the dialogue realistic and beleivable or did it sound like the voice of the author each time? Were there any other little flaws, syntax and such, that I should try to pay more attention to?

I don't mean to be pushy, I'm just in desperate need of good analysis so I can improve.

Thanks for your time and effort.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I wouldn't call a 5000 word conversation short.

Your dialog was decent, and at least to me, each character had a different voice.

Since the reader has no idea of what is going on, a lot of the conversation is has no meaning, or a point to it...it's a bit like walking into a room and listening to two people that you don't know talk about their lives.

 

[MarshAlien]

I agree with drk. Your dialogue was quite good, actually. I think you can really hear these people talking. The problem was that there was no context for it. You started off kind of philosophical, then had a paragraph with the very jarring "ding dong" in it. Then some more philosophy, then another ding-dong, then some grey swirls that I didn't really understand. And at this point, I'm starting to think, well, who the hell is this guy? And we never really find out. The beauty of first person narration is that it lets us get into the narrator's head (which you've done) but also that it lets us view everything (the house, his sister, and especially himself) through the narrator's eyes. I think you've made too much use of his voice (you can cut out a lot of the "how have you been" kind of dialogue) and of his head, but not of his eyes. Otherwise, you have a conversation and a thought piece, and together they're not enough to hold our interest. I would have liked more people I can touch and things I can see and smell.

 

[emptysoul173]

Thanks for the intelligent response

I see what you guys mean.

Thank you for your insight, I appreciate it.

 

[_Lynn_]

I agrree here with the guys that the dialogue was okay, but that's all you have. There isn't anything to keep me here.

So much is quite useless, you could get rid of it to add in things of more importance, like who these people are. Give us depth to them, let us see them, feel who they are.

Cutting this back and making it part of a larger story would go a long way in making it more interesting.

Your dialogue is confusing as well. Parts seem to get lost hanging at the end of the paragraphs. I put how I would do them next to yours. If it's wrong, someone ((or Marsh)) will correct me.

"Uh..." I was stunned. Of all the people I thought might someday wander out here to my little desert retreat, Candice was the last one I expected to see. "Yeah, nice to see you too."

"Uh..."

I was stunned. Of all the people I thought might someday wander out here to my little desert retreat, Candice was the last one I expected to see.

"Yeah, nice to see you too."


""Sure," she answered, sounding less enthusiastic with every syllable. "Got any beer?"

"Sure," she answered, sounding less enthusiastic with every syllable.

"Got any beer?"

Good luck.

My opinion only.

ML