SerenaSteeleMonroe
Virgin
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Flirting with the BNWO by SSM in Erotic Couplings
- Thread starter SerenaSteeleMonroe
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TheRedChamber
Apprentice
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- Mar 21, 2014
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- 2,423
After your first story, I can't help feeling this one is a little bit more by the numbers - guy wants his wife to 'go black,' she does. Honestly, after the set up of the unsuccessful persuasion, I had to smile at the line 'That's why, when Linda and I took a trip to Jamaica, I didn't expect much of anything.' Readers were, of course, well ahead of him.
I'm going to be giving constructive criticism below, but first of all, the strength of the piece is that it hits all the notes of an old standard well, all the sub-fetishes are present and correct, even if some of it is a bit overfamiliar.
One issue I think you have is a little too much vagueness in the story. The main characters are rich, but the exact nature of their wealth is not spelt out. The main characters came to believe in reparations, but how he ended up more 'socially aware' than his apparently awful family also isn't really clear - and given that's an erotic focus giving one or two specific incidents would probably strengthen the story.
Speaking on that, while I enjoy inter-racial stories, I'm not sure I feel particularly comfortable with 'sex in lieu of reparations' - I'm not going to get into a philosophical debate about this because ultimately it doesn't matter if it's not my kink - still, given the focus on reparations, is it significant that the couple are (presumably) American but the guy she sleeps with is no African-American. (Regarding my earlier point, if the couple were British and heirs to the Tate and Lyle Sugar Company...)
At the start it seems too much like he is badgering her, she shows no interest, he keeps raising it (admittedly you do say less and less as times goes on) and then she finally, out of the blue, does it. Cucks aren't usually portrayed as particularly attractive, but this behaviour really isn't attractive and he's rewarded for it.
I was going to say you avoid giving Badrick, the Jamaican character too much stereotypical dialect. However, looking through the guy only has two lines in the piece. This is not great, but actually it highlights what I would say is a bigger problem - too much of the story is told rather than shown*. I don't really get much of a sense of the wife either. We're told a lot about her, but we don't really get much in the way of scenes which paint her as a full person through little interactions with her husband or others. I'd suggest that this story needs to be longer, but looking at the word count 7k isn't unreasonably for the amount you have going on here (I usually estimate 3k for each major scene according to my personal style of prose)
(*'show don't tell' isn't universally applicable in all circumstances, telling can be okay sometimes)
Even though there is not much dialogue some of what there is appears contradictory. The first time he raises her sleeping with someone he says:
As always all of this is IMHO, and overall I enjoyed the story. I'm looking forward to reading the third one.
I'm going to be giving constructive criticism below, but first of all, the strength of the piece is that it hits all the notes of an old standard well, all the sub-fetishes are present and correct, even if some of it is a bit overfamiliar.
One issue I think you have is a little too much vagueness in the story. The main characters are rich, but the exact nature of their wealth is not spelt out. The main characters came to believe in reparations, but how he ended up more 'socially aware' than his apparently awful family also isn't really clear - and given that's an erotic focus giving one or two specific incidents would probably strengthen the story.
Speaking on that, while I enjoy inter-racial stories, I'm not sure I feel particularly comfortable with 'sex in lieu of reparations' - I'm not going to get into a philosophical debate about this because ultimately it doesn't matter if it's not my kink - still, given the focus on reparations, is it significant that the couple are (presumably) American but the guy she sleeps with is no African-American. (Regarding my earlier point, if the couple were British and heirs to the Tate and Lyle Sugar Company...)
At the start it seems too much like he is badgering her, she shows no interest, he keeps raising it (admittedly you do say less and less as times goes on) and then she finally, out of the blue, does it. Cucks aren't usually portrayed as particularly attractive, but this behaviour really isn't attractive and he's rewarded for it.
I was going to say you avoid giving Badrick, the Jamaican character too much stereotypical dialect. However, looking through the guy only has two lines in the piece. This is not great, but actually it highlights what I would say is a bigger problem - too much of the story is told rather than shown*. I don't really get much of a sense of the wife either. We're told a lot about her, but we don't really get much in the way of scenes which paint her as a full person through little interactions with her husband or others. I'd suggest that this story needs to be longer, but looking at the word count 7k isn't unreasonably for the amount you have going on here (I usually estimate 3k for each major scene according to my personal style of prose)
(*'show don't tell' isn't universally applicable in all circumstances, telling can be okay sometimes)
Even though there is not much dialogue some of what there is appears contradictory. The first time he raises her sleeping with someone he says:
Then after they meet Badrick the exchange is:
Given his opening line for this fetish and apparent badgering, it seems hard to believe that she finds any of his suggestions surprising or funny any more.
As always all of this is IMHO, and overall I enjoyed the story. I'm looking forward to reading the third one.
SerenaSteeleMonroe
Virgin
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Well, as quickly as I've written, and largely haven't edit, these first three stories, I'm afraid my mediocrity as writer of smut will continue. I'm slowing down now, and going to do a better job of reading, and producing a second edit from now on.
lovecraft68
Bad Doggie
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2009
- Posts
- 45,475
Not sure you picked the right category, score seems to agree.
I didn't get too far in. No offense, but it just reminds me of why I don't touch this trope with a ten foot pole due to what I feel it represents, but what I did read, you're writing seems fine-welcome to the club of sloppy editing and not really caring that much, just wanting to get to the next piece-and I'm sure for those who enjoy this fetish, it'll deliver.
I didn't get too far in. No offense, but it just reminds me of why I don't touch this trope with a ten foot pole due to what I feel it represents, but what I did read, you're writing seems fine-welcome to the club of sloppy editing and not really caring that much, just wanting to get to the next piece-and I'm sure for those who enjoy this fetish, it'll deliver.
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