Flight to London: Feedback

[lustforlife74]

Copywrite: Lust For Life 2003

Flight to London

So there I am on a flight to London. I’m sitting on one of the last transatlantic flights to allow smoking. I downed a couple of Gin and Tonics and had a smoke, when I noticed a woman about my age mid twenties, sitting alone on the other side of the cabin. I keep trying to make eye contact with her, but she seems enamored with the book she is reading. I noticed it was Anis Nin’s Diaries. I noticed her hand sliding unconsciously back and fourth across her upper thigh.

She was a brunette with cropped hair and dark ruby lipstick. I asked the stewardess to send her a drink and tell her I was a fan of Anis Nin.

The stewardess returned with the drink and pointed over to me. My little vixen gave me a wry little smile and her dark brown eyes hinted at a deeper attraction.

I walk across the cabin and say to her, “I love Anis Nin she has such a insight into her own sexuality. Do you know she had quite the affair with Henry Miller?”

She looks up at me and smiles, “Why, yes she does, it is poetic and erotic at the same time. Would you like a seat? I often get lonely on these flights.”

I graciously accepted.

At this point I could smell her arousal.

“What part are you reading?”, I ask.

She replies in a deep throaty almost embarrassed voice, “She is writing about her affair with another woman.”

The stewardess comes back at this point and my little vixen replies, “Not just yet, but maybe later.”

I just look over and smile.

I see her twirling her hair and giving me a not so innocent look. She whispers “Have you ever made love on a plane?”

At this point I say “No, but let’s give it a shot. Let’s just tease each other until the cabin lights go down.”

At this point, she puts her hand on my thigh and kisses me softly on the cheek. I touch her hand and move it slowly up my thigh as I reached over and slid my other under the fold of her breast. She breaths a little heavier and her hand moves to the bulge in my jeans rubbing it caressing it. Our eyes meet each other and lips touch exploring. Our tongues start to dance circles around each other, each nerve and taste bud tingle.

She starts breathing heavily as I run my hand down the front of her dress, exploring her navel and tracing my way down to her mons venus. Just making and outline around her lower lips lightly. She grabs my thigh and sinks her nails into it, blowing in my ear and whispering, “I want you, now.”

“Not yet, my vixen, patience.”

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Basic literacy and sentence construction good. You have the makings.

Pace

This happens absurdly fast, even by pr0n standards. I know it's Concorde and you haven't got that much time, but the flight is still in hours, not minutes. All this is is 'Wanna fuck?' - 'Yeah, okay' couched in sultry looks instead of words.

You can expand its time without actually adding new dialogue by saying things like 'We talked about Anais Nin for a few minutes', and if that sounds bland, add 'I could see the strong effect it was having on her.'

You say her voice is 'almost embarrassed' at one point: almost!? Has she no shame, no sense of how fast she's going (or being)? And she's 'almost' embarrassed not at what she and you are doing but only at what she was reading.

Now, 'a woman about my age' suggested to me the narrator was a woman. This is nowhere dispelled. It's increased by the fact that mid-seduction she's almost embarrassed by mentioning Anais Nin's affair with a woman. Then near the end all we get is 'the bulge in my jeans', which shifts the probability over towards male, but not necessarily, since her mons Veneris comes into prominence shortly after. Confusing.

Repetitions

I noticed it was Anis Nin’s Diaries. I noticed her hand sliding...

At this point I say “No, but let’s give it a shot. Let’s just tease each other until the cabin lights go down.”

At this point, she puts her hand...

Misuses

Anis Nin Anais Nin

She breaths a little heavier She breathes a little heavier

mons venus mons Veneris (Latin) or mound of Venus (English) or mons pubis (anatomical)

Punctuation

about my age mid twenties needs a comma after 'age', to show the tone dropping and resumed.

to the bulge in my jeans rubbing it caressing it needs two commas: intonation especially important if you're trying to convey gradual build-up rather than frantic grabbing.

Word choice

brunette Brunettes occur in porn stories: people are dark-haired, brown-haired, or black-haired.

a deep throaty almost embarrassed voice

A deep voice is a throaty voice, unless 'throaty' means 'husky', but it's probably deep anyway, so you don't need both of these. An unnecessary reminder of Deep Throat. You've thrown Concorde, literature, and a G&T at the 'sophisticated' end of the field, so the Deep Throat reference is an own goal.

"No, but let’s give it a shot... Not a very sophisticated or seductive way of putting it, is it?

Typos

such a insight such an insight

Just making and outline Just making an outline

I touch her hand and move it slowly up my thigh as I reachedreach over

 

[hiddenself]

Awful tense switches:

So there I am...
I’m sitting on one...
I downed... when I noticed...

I walk across the cabin...
She looks up...
I graciously accepted...


The misspelling of Anais Nin's name was particularly offensive. And if someone's reading her, then he/she'd definitely know about her personal life. There's even a movie about it (Henry and June, 1990). This is not someone you just read randomly. So, the pickup line about her affair with Henry Miller is pathetic and unlikely to elicit the response you describe. I'd give it a 1 on just these grounds alone.


Overall, not much as it stands. I'd say it needs depth and some kind of (psychological) conflict or tension. Pretty flat now.

 

[lustforlife74]

Hiddenself,

I love it, negative feedback. I whipped this think off in five minutes, after getting back from the bar. I’m glad I offended you with the misspelling of Anais Nin’s name. It was actually spell check that changed it and I didn’t pay any attention. Anis actually fits pretty well, since it is an ingredient in so many liquors.

I’ve read most of Miller’s books. I think he is a tad bit too flighty and poetic, not quite real enough, although revolutionary for his time.

 

[lustforlife74]

Basic literacy and sentence construction good. You have the makings.

Pace

This happens absurdly fast, even by pr0n standards. I know it's Concorde and you haven't got that much time, but the flight is still in hours, not minutes. All this is is 'Wanna fuck?' - 'Yeah, okay' couched in sultry looks instead of words.

You can expand its time without actually adding new dialogue by saying things like 'We talked about Anais Nin for a few minutes', and if that sounds bland, add 'I could see the strong effect it was having on her.'

You say her voice is 'almost embarrassed' at one point: almost!? Has she no shame, no sense of how fast she's going (or being)? And she's 'almost' embarrassed not at what she and you are doing but only at what she was reading.

Now, 'a woman about my age' suggested to me the narrator was a woman. This is nowhere dispelled. It's increased by the fact that mid-seduction she's almost embarrassed by mentioning Anais Nin's affair with a woman. Then near the end all we get is 'the bulge in my jeans', which shifts the probability over towards male, but not necessarily, since her mons Veneris comes into prominence shortly after. Confusing.

Repetitions

I noticed it was Anis Nin’s Diaries. I noticed her hand sliding...

At this point I say “No, but let’s give it a shot. Let’s just tease each other until the cabin lights go down.”

At this point, she puts her hand...

Misuses

Anis Nin Anais Nin

She breaths a little heavier She breathes a little heavier

mons venus mons Veneris (Latin) or mound of Venus (English) or mons pubis (anatomical)

Punctuation

about my age mid twenties needs a comma after 'age', to show the tone dropping and resumed.

to the bulge in my jeans rubbing it caressing it needs two commas: intonation especially important if you're trying to convey gradual build-up rather than frantic grabbing.

Word choice

brunette Brunettes occur in porn stories: people are dark-haired, brown-haired, or black-haired.

a deep throaty almost embarrassed voice

A deep voice is a throaty voicy, unlessy 'throaty' means 'husky', but it's probably deep anyway, so you don't need both of these. An unnecessary reminder of Deep Throat. You've thrown Concorde, literature, and a G&T at the 'sophisticated' end of the field, so the Deep Throat reference is an own goal.

"No, but let’s give it a shot... Not a very sophisticated or seductive way of putting it, is it?

Typos



such a insight such an insight

Just making and outline Just making an outline

I touch her hand and move it slowly up my thigh as I reachedreach over

"even by pr0n standards" What’s a prOn?

"You've thrown Concorde, literature, and a G&T at the 'sophisticated' end of the field, so the Deep Throat reference is an own goal."

What do you mean by this? It is very unclear.

"No, but let’s give it a shot... Not a very sophisticated or seductive way of putting it, is it?

No it isn’t, but it is real.

As I said, I whipped this think off in five minutes, after getting back from the bar, more as an idea.